F13 St00pid Joke Thread

[HaemishM]

Well, in fairness, it's also possible that you are a crazy sadistic fuck.  But I suppose that depends on what she said that set you off.

Don't touch me there?

[Oban]

Well, in fairness, it's also possible that you are a crazy sadistic fuck. 

I already ruled this out for myself, I hate musicals.

[Merusk]

Well now you're just leaving us  hanging by not sharing the joke.

Tho, in this economy I dobut you'll have a shortage of apps for the position.

[Oban]

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[Draegan]

^^^^
My boss handed that one to me today.

Here's one I got today and it's awful, disgusting, in bad taste, but funny.

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean City
man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers.

'We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife,'
said one trooper. 'Tell me! Did you find her?' Rice shouted. The
troopers looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some
good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, 'Give me the bad news first.'
The trooper said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rt. 50 Bridge.'

'Oh my God!' exclaimed Rice! Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's
the good news?' The trooper continued, 'When we pulled her up she had
12 huge blue crabs and 6 extra large blue crabs on her.'

Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the great news?'

The trooper said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.'

[Ironwood]

Um.

Eh ?

[Endie]

Um.

Eh ?

They're using her to fish for crabs.

I might alter the great news to be "...if we get as much when we haul her up tomorrow, the sergeant says we can have a barbeque!" or something like that.  Just to make it more obvious.

[Merusk]

Um.

Eh ?

They're using her to fish for crabs.

I might alter the great news to be "...if we get as much when we haul her up tomorrow, the sergeant says we can have a barbeque!" or something like that.  Just to make it more obvious.

It also helps to know just how much Marylanders love their crab.

[Sky]

Three pollsters go duck hunting. After flushing the ducks, one shoots and misses high. The second shoots and misses low. The third yells "we hit it!"

(From an NPR show on how much pollsters fuck with numbers)

[Oban]

NSFW

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time .' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute ,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you ?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on' , she said, 'We don't have much time .'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on ?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did ,' and proudly held up my thumb to show her. She fainted.

[Sir T]

Joke that put me in the doghouse with a woman today

Q: How do you make a pound of fat look attractive?
A: Stick a nipple on it.

[Draegan]

Last two were awesome.

[Oban]

A Canadian man, bored with his mundane urban life, decides that it’s time to get back to nature and find his inner masculinity. He hits on the idea of hunting in the great forests of Canada, and ever the practical man, begins to prepare all the necessary provisions and equipment for camping and surviving a long weekend away. In addition he takes with him three guns; a pistol, a rifle and an elephant gun. He sets off from his home on the long journey up to the great forests and mother nature, and evenutally finds a place to set-up camp.

Waking up on his first morning and eager to start hunting, he sets off into the woods and takes with him his pistol. After a few hours skulking around the woods he spots a massive grisly bear – all of 8 foot tall – casually leaning against a tree scratching his arse. The hunter find himself a good spot to snipe from and then carefully takes aim with his pistol. “Pow!” the pistol rings out. A hole appears in the middle of the bear’s head and blood pours out. The bear slumps to the floor.

Very pleased with himself, the man struts up to the spot where the bear fell and finds that the bear’s not there. He scratches his head looking around. Suddenly he gets a tap on the shoulder, he turns round and the bear’s standing behind him. The bear says;

“You must be quite new to this mate - trying to shoot a big bear like me with a silly little gun like that? It’s just not going to work. But since it’s your first time I’ll do you a deal – either you let me fuck you up the arse, or I’ll rip you to shreds – what’s your answer?”

The man, terrified, weighs up his options carefully and decides that, despite the obvious pain, he could take the punishment and no-one need know. He agrees to the former.

The bear brutally sodomises the man with his enourmous furry length for what seems like hours, and when spent, disappears into the forest. The man, taking time for the pain to fade, gradually gets up and limps back to his camp. Undtererred and humiliated, as soon as he arrives at camp he picks up his rifle and goes out into the woods again, hungry for revenge. A few hours later, he spots the same bear leaning against a tree – all 8 ft of him casually picking his teeth. The man picks his spot and takes aim with his rifle. “POW!” the rifle booms through the forests. A large hole appears in the bears head and blood pisses out. Pleased with his revenge kill, the man confidently strides up to the tree.

The bear’s not there. A sinking feeling engulfs him and he gets a tap on the shoulder. Turning around the bear is standing behind him dabbing it’s forehead.

“Look mate, you don’t learn do you? Trying to kill a big bear like me with a stupid gun like that – it just won’t work. I’ll do you a deal though; either you let me and my bear mates fuck you up the arse or I’ll tear you apart.”

Thinking back to the pain of last time, he realised it at the very least was preferable to death. So he agrees to the bear’s punishment. The bear wolf whilstles, and out of the forest lumbers 6 or 7 of his bear friends, all equally large and fearsome. They take turns in fucking the poor man into sorry oblivion, and then when done, saunter off into the forest again.

The man, shaking with pain and humilition, composes himself and drags himself back to camp. Once there, he staunches the not incosiderable flow of blood and vows revenge. Picking up his elephant gun he waddles back into the forest to find his bear.

Sure enough, after an hour of wandering he spots the very same bear leaning against a tree, filing it's claws. He levels his huge elephant gun takes aim at the bear’s head and pulls the trigger.

“BOOOOOM!!!” The gun cracks through the forest, knocking the man to the floor. A HUGE hole appears in it’s head and the bear spins round fountaining blood in all directions. Once back on his feet, the man puffs up his manly chest and strolls over to the bears body.

Except it’s not there. Bile rises in the mans stomach and he get’s a tap on the shoulder. He turns round to find the bear standing there, pressing leaves to it’s head. Once satisfied that the bleeding has stopped, the bears sighs and says:


“You’re not here for the hunting are you mate?”

[Bungee]

Bad pictures man...

[Draegan]

To long of a joke for such a bland punchline.

[Oban]

To long of a joke for such a bland punchline.

See thread title.

[Cyrrex]

I loved it.

[Endie]

Less critique, more st00pid jokes.

[IainC]

The Pope is back home after a long and exhausting world tour. His plane lands at the airport and he's hurried through to his limo waiting just off the tarmac. He's about to get in when he suddenly gets a gleam in his eye. Without warning he turns around marches up to the driver's door, leans in and tells the astonished chauffeur to get out.

'I haven't driven a car for years' he says, 'Let me take it for a spin.'

The driver can't believe what he's hearing. 'Holy Father, I can't let you do that, I would lose my job!'

'It's ok' says the Pope, 'I think I can pull rank on your supervisor if there's any trouble, now get in the back.'

The chauffeur has little choice so he gets in the back as the Pope gets behind the wheel.

As it turns out the Pope is something of a speed freak. The powerful limo is doing 70 by the time it reaches the exit road and over 100 mph as it hits the autostrada. The Pope's foot stays firmly on the gas and the poor driver in the back is soon gibbering with fear as the speed increases. Inevitably the speeding limo catches the eye of a motorcycle cop who tucks in behind the car with lights flashing and siren blaring. The Pope pulls over and the cop swaggers up to the driver's window, takes one look inside and sprints back to his bike.

'Central, I have a problem' the cop says into his radio.

'What's the problem'

'I've just pulled over a limo doing double the speed limit.'

'So book it then.'

'No, no' says the cop, 'this is big.'

'Who is it? The Mayor?'

'Bigger than the mayor'

'The President?'

'Bigger than the president.'

'Holy crap, don't tell me you pulled over the don!'

'It's bigger than the don.'

'Who the hell is it then?'

'I think it's God!'

'WHAT?'

'Well he has the Pope as a chauffeur.'

[Oban]

A priest dies and goes to heaven. There, he is met by a reception
committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of
the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of
the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the
languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the
library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working
back from the most recent "Easy Reading Version" to the original
script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come
running to him, only to find the priest huddled in a chair, crying to
himself, and muttering, "An "R"! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem
is. After collecting his wits, the priest sobs again, "It's the letter
"R" ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

[DraconianOne]

Stoopid and poorly spelled.

[Oban]

Considering two thousand years and the 14th century Latin forms of the words, celebratus and caelibatus, it is not too far off.

But yeah, the joke belongs here.

[IainC]

Continuing the Catholic theme.

The board of McDonalds is meeting and they're looking at the global sales figures. All over the world sales are up and profits are soaring except in South America, Spain, Italy and Ireland. The board are discussing this and how they can bring up sales in those areas. One of the execs points out that they are all strongly Catholic countries so perhaps they could use the Church to help spread the message. Everyone agrees this is a brilliant idea and the guy who came up with the idea is dispatched to the Vatican to negotiate with the Pope.

He's shown into the audience room and begins his pitch.
'Holy father, we at McDonalds would like to donate 100 million dollars a year to worthy Catholic causes.'
'Thank you my son' says the Pope. 'What would you like in return?'
'Well, father, we would like to sponsor the Lord's Prayer, we'd like to have it changed so that instead of saying 'our daily bread' it goes 'our daily Big Mac' instead.'
'I cannot do that, it is not possible to change the holy service in this way.' The Pope sounds sad. 'Not for 100 million dollars a year.'
'How about 200 million dollars a year?' the eager exec asks.
'It is not likely we could do it for 200 million dollars either.'
'I can pay 500 million dollars a year for this' says the exec.
'I will have to ask the cardinals' says the Pope. 'Such a grave step must be properly debated.'

The next day the Pope calls together a council of all the cardinals.
'I've got good news and bad news' he says. 'The good news is that McDonalds want to give us 500 million dollars a year. The bad news is that we're going to have to cancel the deal with the bread company.'

[Ironwood]

Moses comes down from the mountain;  "Good news and bad news, boys :  I've got him down to 10, but he won't budge on adultery."

[Sky]

Moses comes down from the mountain;  "Good news and bad news, boys :  I've got him down to 10, but he won't budge on adultery."

That's how you do a joke, kids. Stop with the novelettes!

[Murgos]

An engineer dies and goes to hell.  After a while he gets tired of the heat and suffering and puts in Air Conditioning, sets some temperature regulators on the pools of boiling oil, organizes the tormented masses on public works projects and generally goes about fixing the place up.

One day God comes down to talk to his old best friend and says, "Wow you've really cleaned this place up, I'm impressed." And the devil replies, "Yeah, I can't believe you sent that engineer down here, he really knows his stuff." 

"You have an engineer?  That's not right, send him back!"

"No, way.  I can't give up all these modern conveniences, we're getting running water in next week."

"Give him back or I'll sue!"

"Sue?  Yeah, right.  Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[rk47]

Hahaha good one.

stoopid joke?  ok here's a shot. what's the smalliest planet of them all?

uranus.

[Righ]

Only if it clears the neighbourhood around its orbit.

[carnifex27]

Wow.  I've been reading these forums for years.  This time I have to post.

Q: Why don't women need watches?

A: There's a clock on the oven AND microwave

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?

A: Who the fuck cares?  I wanna know why she left the kitchen and WHERE DID SHE GET SHOES???

now here's my favourite (yes Canadians like the extra u.......fuck off) extremely long joke

So three guys show up in front of St. Peter at the same time.

St. Peter: Unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded.  Yeah, we didn't expect it to happen either. So anyways, the one of you three with the most interesting story about how they got here gets into heaven, the other two don't.

Man #1: Well, for a while now, I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me.  So a few days ago I asked for today off, but I didn't tell her.  Today I woke up and got ready for work like any other day, but instead of going to work I just went to the Timmy Hortons around the corner.  A few hours later I decided it was time to go home and see if my suspicions were well founded or not.
            I went back to my home, went up to my apartment and walked inside.  My wife ran out of the bedroom and started screaming at me immediately.  This is normal for me when I come home, so I ignored her and started to look around my place.  She was still yelling at me a few minutes later and I hadn't found anything out of there ordinary, but I knew there was something wrong so I continued to ignore her.  Eventually her tirade worked all the way up to her accusing me of cheating on her, like it usually does. 
            Instead of denying it like I usually do I just stared at her like she was crazy.  After a few moments of staring at each other in blessed silence, I heard a tapping at the window.  Now, we live on the 17th story of our building, so this was a little unusual.  I went over to the window and lo and behold, there was the dirty motherfucker who had been fucking my wife, hanging off our window sill.
            I opened the window and tried to push his hands off the ledge, but he just wouldn't let go.  So I went into the kitchen, got my hammer from the tool drawer and started smacking his fingers.  That fucker must have been pretty desperate because he still wouldn't let go.  So I went back to the kitchen and pulled the fridge out of the wall, pushed it over to the window and pushed over onto the bastard.
           Unfortunately the fridges cord wrapped around my ankle and pulled me out the window after him.  I fell 17 stories, landed on a fridge and died.

St. Peter:  WoW!!!  That's pretty extreme.  Let's listen to everyone else's story before I decide though.
Man #2:  Me?  I was running on my gerbil machine when the power went out.  The machine lost power but I was still running! I flew forward and, just my luck, went right out the window.  I fell a few stories and eventually managed to grab a hold of a window sill below me.
           I heard a bunch of yelling from the apartment whose sill I was holding onto so I knew someone was home.  I was barely able to even hold on to the sill, but I somehow managed to start tapping on the window, hoping they would hear me and come rescue me.  Eventually someone must have heard me, because a man came over and openeed the window.
           Just as I started to try and haul myself up the man started screaming at me and punching my fingers.  I was kinda freaked out, but by God I was trying to live, so I kept working at pulling myself in the window.  Eventually the guy left, and just as I started to really make progress, he came back with a hammer. That's right....a Fucking hammer..... and he started smashing my fingers.
           I went from trying yo climb up to barely hanging on.  After that dirty motherfucker broke my fingers I still wouldn't let go.  Eventually he left, but I couldn't pull myself up due to all the broken fingers and such.  Since I couldn't pull myself up I started asking God to save, but apparently his idea of a sick fucking joke was for that guy to come back and drop a fridge on me.  I remember falling.  Then I landed on the nice soft grass.  I remember thinking "I can't feel my legs, but Holy SHit I'M STILL ALIVE!!!"
           Then the fridge landed on me
St. Peter:  That's Crazy!!!!  No, seriously, that's incredible.  This last guy needs to have one of the best stories ever to even have a shot at heaven.  That was seriously one of the most intense stories I've ever heard.  All right man.....What's your story?
Man#3:  So imagine you're butt ass naked, hiding in a refridgerator.......

[Hindenburg]

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who the fuck cares?  I wanna know why she left the kitchen and WHERE DID SHE GET SHOES???

I support that notion. We need more misogyny.

[Oban]

Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A: The thought had never entered his head before.

[Merusk]

Alright, another one like that and I break-out the Laffy Taffy again.

[pxib]

Two of my favorite for the eight-and-under set:

Why was Cinderella so bad at football?
Her coach was a pumpkin.

What lies on its back, a hundred feet in the air?
A centipede.

[Oban]

Not sure where to put this since it is neither suitable for the funny nor awesome pictures threads, so I will just leave it here.

Software devs playing basketball against 

[Endie]

Why did the halfling government ban pipeweed?

Because of evidence it was hobbit-forming...

OK, that's poor, but I thought of it last night and this thread seemed the right retirement home for it.  I have no intention of googling it to find the other, previous inventors.