F13 St00pid Joke Thread

[SnakeCharmer]

MAKING LOVE

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above da bed in ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies. "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady , I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling"

[lamaros]

Bigot.

[Margalis]

Wow that was stupid.

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A: Slap her.

Sexist and horrible but the first time I heard this I couldn't help but laugh.

[hal]

A man with a pick, another with a shovel and a supervisor set out one fine morning to dig a ditch.

The supervisor had a clipboard with paper, a watch, and a pencil. He stood under a shady tree and every now and again would look at his watch and make a mark on the paper with his pencil.

And the morning wore on.

After a while the man with the pick turned to the man with a shovel and asked "Why is he just standing under that shady tree?".

The man with the shovel replied "Donno, I think I will ask him".

He walked over to the supervisor and inquired. The supervisor replied "intelligence".

The guy with the shovel said "intela what?

The supervisor said "I'll demonstrate". And put his hand in front of the trunk of the shady tree. He said "Now hit my hand with your shovel".

The man reared back and swung. Just at the last moment the supervisor pulled his hand away. The shovel hit the trunk and vibrated in the workers hands.

The supervisor said "That's a demonstration of intelligence. Now get back down in that ditch".

The worker went back to the ditch. The man with the pick asked" well, what did he say?"

"He said intelligence".

The guy with the pick said "Intella who?"

The man with the shovel looked around.

But, there wasn't any shady trees down in that ditch.

So, he put his hand in front of his face and said "Hit my hand with your pick".

[Yegolev]

Pirate walks into a bar.  Bartender says "Do you know you have a steering wheel on your crotch?"  Pirate replies "Aye, it's driving me nuts!"

[Evildrider]

What do you call cheese that is not your own?



Nacho Cheese!   

[IainC]

What is E.T. short for?


Cos he only has little legs!

I'm here all week, don't eat the fish.

[lamaros]

WHY DO RABBITS HAVE BIGEARS?

BECAUSE NODDY WOULDN'T PAY THE RANSOM.

(Capitals helps hide the punchline in text - and emphasise the awesomeness)

[Samwise]

Two peanuts were walking down the street.  One was assaulted.

[Merusk]

Damnit Yeg, I was gonna post that.

Why's Divorce so expensive?  Because it's worth it!

Why do men die before women? Because they want to!

Hm, I'll see how bad the thread gets before posting others.

[acerogue26]

Sodium Ion walks into the bar

Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Sodium Ion says, "I'm missing an electron!"

Bartender says, "You sure?

Sodium Ion says, "I'm positive!"

[lesion]

Two strings walk into a bar.

One says to the bartender, "I'd like a jack and coke pleaseØõ»üËŸÒÅqìÁH‡� ë¤"

The second one says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he isn't null terminated."

[Yegolev]

Ah, it's turning into one of those joke threads.  Must... resist... engineer/physicist/mathematician jokes....

[Margalis]

Please do. I suffered through that for 5 years of engineering. NOTHING on the world is more annoying than a classroom full of people who think Intel jokes are funny.

[gimpyone]

Why is a latin student a great date?
They can't decline sex.

[stray]

Some first-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

[Llava]

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?


She was a woman.

[NowhereMan]

Descartes is sitting in a bar, the bartender asks him, "Want another drink?"


Descartes replies, "I think not," and vanishes in a puff of logic.

[Rendakor]

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

[cmlancas]

There was a fire at the circus! It was in tents intense!

[Damn Dirty Ape]

How do you capture a unique rabbit?

Unique up on him.

How do you capture a tame rabbit?

The tame way.

Why did Buckwheat wash his clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold out tide.

[Arthur_Parker]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[bhodi]

Two fish are in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

[Sky]

Rudolph's wife is looking out the window at the dreary Moscow day. "I think it's going to snow, dear." she says. "No," he replies, "it's going to rain." "But it's too cold for rain," she states. "Look," he retorts, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

(that was my favorite joke when I was maybe 5 years old)

Bear walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve bear." Bear threatens to destroy a table. Bartender still refuses to serve him, so he destroys the table. "There, you see? I mean business, now give me a beer." "Sorry, we don't serve bear." "Look, if you don't serve me, I'll eat that woman at the end of the bar." Bartender doesn't budge, so the bear eats the woman. "Ok, now you see I mean business?" Bartender looks at him and says "Yeah, but we don't serve druggies in this place." The bear gives him a confused look. THe bartender explains, "That was the bar bitch you ate."

The pope, a boy scout, and George Bush are all in a small plane. The pilot enters the passenger cabin and says, "Sorry for the inconvenience, we're going to crash. We only have three parachutes. I have survival and first aid skills, so I can help whoever parachutes out." He takes a parachute and jumps. George Bush jumps up and grabs the next parachute, "I'm the leader of the free world and the world's smartest man!" He jumps out. The pope looks at the scout and says, "Son, I've lived a long and full life, you take the parachute and I'll gracefully go meet the Lord." The boy scout laughs and says, "The heck with that, padre, the world's smartest man just jumped out of the plane with my knapsack!"

[Murgos]

You may be an engineer if:

• If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
• If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
• If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
• If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
• If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
• If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
• If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
• If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
• If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
• If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."




And my favorite engineer joke:

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[murdoc]

Q. What is the definition of revenge?
A. A baby with a dingo in its mouth.

[Signe]

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?


She was a woman.

Because she drove with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on the road.

[Lantyssa]

That's a new version of driving-by-braile.

[Teleku]

Two men walk into a bar. 

The third one ducked.

[Phildo]

Q: How did Helen Keller's family punish her?

A: Rearrange the furniture.

[Paelos]

Moses, Jesus, and an old guy are playing golf on a Saturday afternoon. They get to a Par 3 with a water hazard in front of the green. Moses hits first and the shot goes right in the hazard. Moses confidently walks to the hazard, parts the water, and hits his ball out of the hazard onto the green.

Jesus hits next and the ball is heading toward the water hazard as well. Just as it's about to go in, the ball rests neatly on top of the water. Jesus walks out onto the water, hits his ball, and lands it on the green.

The old guy hits last, and his ball starts heading toward the water hazard. Just as it's about to go in, a large fish jumps up and grabs the ball in his mouth. At that moment and eagle swoops down and grabs that fish. The eagle flies over the green where it's struck by a bolt of lightning. The eagle drops the fish, which lands right on the green. The ball pops out of the fish's mouth, rolls 20 feet, and goes right in the hole for a hole-in-one.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man, I hate playing with your Dad."

[Yegolev]

When I said engineer/physicist/mathematician jokes, I meant these.  I love the fence one.  Linking since I can't take credit.

[Nevermore]

This one is the second funniest joke in the world.  I thought it was funnier than the funniest joke in the world.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[Mr_PeaCH]

Piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink.  Bartender says "We don't serve string here."  String walks out.  String folds himself into a loop, passes one end through, and then teases up both ends.  String walks back into the bar.  Bartender says "Hey, aren't you the string that was in here just a minute ago?"  "No, I'm a frayed knot."

[Furiously]

Q: How did Helen Keller's family punish her?

A: Rearrange the furniture.By leaving the plunger in the toilet.