F13 St00pid Joke Thread

[Phildo]

I went to google zombie babies after reading Rattran's post...  but what I found was pretty fucking repulsive.  You have defeated me, sir.

[Sky]

Guy in the hospital. Girl comes in to give him a sponge bath. He asks, "Can you see if my testicles are black?" She replies that she's just to do the non-private areas. He asks again, "Please, can you just take a quick look to see if my testicles are black?" She denies him again, "Sir, I'm not a nurse, I can't do that for you." He persists, and finally she relents. She lifts the sheet and gently inspects his testicles, lifting and turning them. "They seem fine to me," she says.

"Well, thanks a lot....but COULD YOU SEE IF MY TEST RESULTS ARE BACK?"

[Oban]

...groin...

[DraconianOne]

We've had the Scottish jokes, so here's some Welsh ones.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields.

Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man "Paid a yfed yr dwr! Mae'n uch-y-fi!"¹

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking. Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer.

"Paid fachgen! Dwr ych-y-fi! Mae defidau crappio yn y dwr!"²

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Dim drinkio!"³

"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said dear boy!" said the man at the stream in a fine English accent;

"Oh I see, you're English" said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get a lot more in..."

¹Don't drink the water! It's dirty!
²Don't do it, boyo. The water's dirty. Sheep have crapped in it.
³It's dirty water! Don't drink it!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Two American tourists, on a driving holiday through Wales, stopped for lunch in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllantysiliogogogoch. One tourist asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The waitress leaned over and said,"Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Gordon Brown was giving a speech in Cardiff.  He said "I was born a Scotsman, I have lived all my life as a Scotsman and I will die as a Scotsman."

A voice called out from the crowd "What's wrong boyo? Got no ambition?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Rhys: Doctor, I can’t stop singing the Green, Green Grass of Home.

Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Rhys: Is it common?

Doctor: It’s not unusual.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It's the final of the 2009 Six Nations rugby tournament and Wales, once again, are ahead on points going into the final against England.  They've been playing so well all season that the morning of the final, Shane Williams turns to the rest of the team and says "Listen lads. There's no point all of us wasting our day. Why don't you all go down the pub and I'll beat England by myself."  The rest of the team agree.

After a few beers, the Welsh team decide to see how Williams is doing so they turn the televison on and, sure enough, at the end of the first half, he's beating England by 21 points to 3. They go back to their drinking and don't watch the rest of the game.  A couple of hours later, Shane Williams turns up at the pub looking dejected and apologetic. "What's wrong?" they asked. "Didn't you win?" "No," Williams replied, "England won 23 - 21". "Ah well! They said. You were playing by yourself so it's still a damn good result."

"I know," said Williams, "but I got sent off after 2 minutes of the second half."

[NowhereMan]

It's the final of the 2009 Six Nations rugby tournament and Wales, once again, are ahead on points going into the final against England. 

I thought that was all you really needed for the last joke

[IainC]

It's the 2009 Six Nations rugby tournament and Wales are going into the final. 

I thought that was all you really needed for the last joke

FIFY

[NowhereMan]

At the risk of repeating myself...

 

[DraconianOne]

England playing rugby.

I thought that was all you really needed for the last joke

FIFY

Properly fixed.

[DraconianOne]

While we're at it...

Q. What do you call an Englishman holding the champagne after a 6 nations match?

A. Waiter.

[Oz]

Q:what is long, brown and sticky?
A:a stick

Q:what do you call a fish with no eyes?
A:a FSH

Q:what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A:where's my tractor?

Q:how do you call a duck that is hard of hearing? (great one to say in public)
A:HHHEEERRRREEEE DDDUUUCCCKKKK!!!

[Murgos]

In a similar style:

Do you want to hear my duck call?

Hey, you!  With the feathers.  Get over here!

[Nonentity]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?




Dr. Dre

[Oban]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"


The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

[K9]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?




Dr. Dre

I liked this one.

[Pennilenko]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain the toy ... you explain the kids."

[Oban]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake"

[Oz]

I’ll explain the toy ... you explain the kids

GOLD!

[Oban]

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The old man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Aren't you afraid of me? Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep, " was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[TheWalrus]

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the innkeep three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"

[Sky]

Told Oban's to the fiancee last night. For some reason I often drop into accents. I gave the old guy a Maine accent and it worked great (and changed yep to ayuh, naturally).

[Ironwood]

I was given a joke book for my birthday with some good ones in it.  For giggles, I shall drop by here every now and again to post the bad ones.

[Yegolev]

crappio
drinkio

I'm starting to think you are making up these words.

[DraconianOne]

crappio
drinkio

I'm starting to think you are making up these words.

Whatever gave you that impression?

[Trippy]

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

Okay that one's not funny. The Satan one was good, though.

[Merusk]

q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun
a: A roaming Catholic

q: What's green and sings?
a: Elvis Parsley

q: What's got 10 letters and starts with gas?
a: An Automobile

These horrible jokes thanks to Laffy Taffy.

[schild]

I hate you, Laffy Taffy.

[Endie]

crappio
drinkio

I'm starting to think you are making up these words.

I just thought it was because Welsh, like Gaelic, lacks words for anything invented after somewhere around.. oh, I dunno... the Mesolithic?  Stupid Gaelic telly on BBC Scotland is like that:

Tha 6,590 duilleagan computer ann an helicopter seo. Tha a h-uile tè Gordon Brown saor rin monkey-brains chleachdadh. Cha bhi sinn a' economic policy ach anns na fetid monkey poop h-aistidhean air penis a' pencil-sharpener ach na halfwit dragh English Bastards.

Despite centrally-funded attempts to make up neologisms, French has much the same issue.

[DraconianOne]

I just thought it was because Welsh, like Gaelic, lacks words for anything invented after somewhere around.. oh, I dunno... the Mesolithic? 

I've been lead to believe that drinking and crapping have been around for quite a long time.

Actually, crappio might well be a real word in Welsh - "pisio" is.  "To shit" is "chacu" (like "kacky" but with aspirated k). "Rydw i'n chachu brics" means - well, you can work it out.

Swearing in Welsh is fun for all the family.

[Sky]

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

Okay that one's not funny.

Way too long for the lame punch. A better engrish joke is:

Chinaman walks into the eye doctor. After his test, the eye doctor tells him he has a cataract. "I no have Cataract. I drive a Rincoln."

[Merusk]

I hate you, Laffy Taffy.

They are truly, truly awful.  A girl here at the office put Laffy Taffy in her candy jar and we discovered they had riddles on them recently.  Those were the ones I could remember.  Now that I'm at the office I could write all of the horrible puns and jokes that 10 year olds wrote-in to put on the wrappers.. but I won't.

[Lantyssa]

Tha 6,590 duilleagan computer ann an helicopter seo. Tha a h-uile tè Gordon Brown saor rin monkey-brains chleachdadh. Cha bhi sinn a' economic policy ach anns na fetid monkey poop h-aistidhean air penis a' pencil-sharpener ach na halfwit dragh English Bastards.

Why can I mostly understand it when spoken (when I have great difficulties hearing the person next to me on a good day), yet when written it makes no sense at all?

[MahrinSkel]

Because the phonemes are almost entirely shared with English (even more than romance or scandinavian languages), but the spelling is a deliberately archaic and obscurantist code.

--Dave

[Lantyssa]

Because the phonemes are almost entirely shared with English (even more than romance or scandinavian languages), but the spelling is a deliberately archaic and obscurantist code.

Good point.  My middle name is unpronouncable without knowledge of the secret code.

[IainC]

Because the phonemes are almost entirely shared with English (even more than romance or scandinavian languages), but the spelling is a deliberately archaic and obscurantist code.

Good point.  My middle name is unpronouncable without knowledge of the secret code.

Are you called Myfanwy or something?

[MahrinSkel]

Because the phonemes are almost entirely shared with English (even more than romance or scandinavian languages), but the spelling is a deliberately archaic and obscurantist code.

Good point.  My middle name is unpronouncable without knowledge of the secret code.

Technically, the reason English spelling is such a mess is because of transliterating to French spelling at a time when the King (and most of the rest of the nobility) didn't speak the King's English, they spoke the lingua franca (French).  If we used the same sound to spelling maps of Welsh, spelling bees would be marathon events because it would be hard to get words wrong.

--Dave