F13 St00pid Joke Thread

[Lantyssa]

Are you called Myfanwy or something?

It's Irish, but same concept.

[Trippy]

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

Okay that one's not funny.

Way too long for the lame punch. A better engrish joke is:

Chinaman walks into the eye doctor. After his test, the eye doctor tells him he has a cataract. "I no have Cataract. I drive a Rincoln."

Except you fuckers keep getting it wrong. Chinese-speakers don't have problems distinguishing between Ls and Rs.

[Oban]

Bullshit, I have yet to meet a Mandarin speaker who can say my name.

Not my name, but Alexander gives them fits too.

[Trippy]

What's your name?

The "L" and "R" in sounds in Alexander are trivial for Mandarin-speakers to say. As in like you know "Lee". For the R sound there's "ren" which means person and is one of the most basic words in Chinese (if I know it it's gotta be real basic). It's pronounced sort of in between "Ren" (as in Ren and Stimpy) and "run" (it starts with the e sound but ends with the u sound) but the "R" sound is exactly like the R in Alexander.

There are many many other words in Chinese with those sounds as well. Now putting together the full name may be difficult for some speakers (e.g. the "ex" sound isn't typical) but they *do not* have trouble distinguishing between Ls and Rs.

[Yegolev]

I work with a guy from rural China and he doesn't have the L/R problem.  That's Japanese speakers you are thinking of.  Sometimes the R sounds a tiny bit like a W, but there are plenty of english-speakers that have that problem.  I blame A Christmas Story.

I assumed drinkio and crappio were made up since I seem to have understood them.  I'm interested in etymology and I'd like to know where these words came from, both as used in Welsh and English.

[Oz]

to counterpoint i work with 1 japanese guy and 4 chinese (2 women, 2 men).

Japanese guy adds O to everything (i.e. Labo meeting), but 3/4 of the chinese do seem to have the L/R problem.

[Endie]

I am pronouncing the "r" and the "l" in "More jokes please".

[Grand Design]

A diminutive Welshman was up before the magistrates in London charged with a sexual assault on a much larger Australian female.

The magistrates were baffled as to how he had managed it and closely questioned the policeman who had arrested him.

"How on earth did he do it, officer?"

"He used a bucket, sir."

"You mean he stood on it?"

"No, sir, he put it over her head and swung from the handle."

[Oban]

While in theory a mandarin speaker should be able to say Alexander or my name, it does not work in practice.

Go ahead, next time you encounter a Mandarin speaker tell them your name is Alexander or McAlistair.

[Trippy]

Which is separate from whether or not they can pronounce English Ls and Rs.

[stu]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Their names, if you know them. If not, just say, "Excuse me."

[Oban]

Which is separate from whether or not they can pronounce English Ls and Rs.

L is fine, r is mostly fine, but L and R together is... 

[Merusk]

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his philandering member in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."


*****

Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

[Trippy]

Okay that second one was LOL.

[Margalis]

Saw 5 spoiler warning next time please.

[WindupAtheist]

"BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!"

Holy shit I want that half hour of my life back.  It was funnier when it got cut off.

[Merusk]

Saw 5 spoiler warning next time please.

They used that vice one in Saw? Sad, that joke's older than dirt.

[Amarr HM]

So a brain and a pair of jump leads go into a bar, the jump leads turns to the brain and says "I'm goin to the toilet you get the drinks". The brain goes up to the barman and says can I have two pints please" barman says "sorry not tonight buddy". The brain pretty angry by this replies "what the fuck is goin on here this is the third pub we been in tonight and noone will serve us whats the problem?". Barman turns and says". Well for a start you're out of your head and your mate there looks like hes about to start somethin"

[climbjtree]

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, get out! We don't serve your kind here!"

The pair of jumper cables says, "Oh come on, I promise I won't start anything!"

[Nerf]

Guy and an alligator walk into bar, the gentleman loudly questions the bartender "hey, do you serve Mexicans here?".  The bartender, appalled, rushes to the man and quietly answers "sir, of course we do, we don't discriminate in any way at this bar, we serve everyone, regardless of race, color, or creed!"

"Outstanding!" replies the man, I'll have a beer, and my alligator here will have a Mexican.

[Sir T]

Terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers.

The called a press conferance and threatened to release one an hour till their demands were met.

[Oban]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

[Amarr HM]

Not bad Oban.

[Oban]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.  The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"  The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, evidence against the official version of 9/11, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities of Amazon Basin tribes.
 
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot.  He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.  Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100."  Immediately the robot starts talking about football, trucks, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
 
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes out and returns, the robot serves him the drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"   The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says, real slowly, "So....ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

[Cyrrex]

Gold!

[IainC]

[Amarr HM]

Gold!

Yeah totally!   

[Endie]

Someone is an Aubrey/Maturin fan, I bet.

[Sky]

Man walks into a doctor's office. Says "Doc, I've got this problem with uncontrollable silent farts. See, there goes one now. It's an awful stench. Oh, there's another one. Anything you can do to help?" Doc says, "First off, you're going deaf."

Stayed up way too late last night because Gilbert Godfrey was on doing a standup routine. That motherfucker is a bit hit-or-miss with lots of old material...but he fires them off non-stop for over an hour. Amazing joke knowledge and stamina.

[FatuousTwat]

What do you call a...

guy with no legs in a lake - Bob
guy with no legs in a pile of leaves - Russel
guy with no legs no arms in front of a door - Matt
guy with no legs no arms in a hole - Phil
woman with one leg one arm - Ilene
Asian woman with one leg one arm - Irene

When is a door not a door? when its a jar

What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs hanging above a window? Kurt N Rod.

[Oban]

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.

"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.".

[Trippy]

[Cyrrex]

Oban, you're like some joke telling mad scientist.  Bravo!

[Oban]

I had a peon bark at me today when I laughed at something she said, which she felt was very serious.  This caused me to laugh even harder and now I need to hire a new peon. 

Laughter is the best medicine for all sorts of things.

lol

[Cyrrex]

Well, in fairness, it's also possible that you are a crazy sadistic fuck.  But I suppose that depends on what she said that set you off.