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f13.net  |  f13.net General Forums  |  General Discussion  |  Serious Business  |  Topic: You can't make this shit up... 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
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Author Topic: You can't make this shit up...  (Read 41016 times)
Engels
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Posts: 8753

inflicts shingles.


Reply #315 on: February 12, 2015, 03:57:29 PM

I wish they had slotted the memory horizontally.

Lant, you need help.

I should get back to nature, too.  You know, like going to a shop for groceries instead of the computer.  Maybe a condo in the woods that doesn't even have a health club or restaurant attached.  Buy a car with only two cup holders or something.

-Signe

I LIKE being bounced around by Tonkors. - Lantyssa

"let go of my dick you mother fucker!"  - Jimbo
Lantyssa
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Posts: 20848


Reply #316 on: February 12, 2015, 06:01:42 PM

It'd fool more people if they did.

Plus you've been playing Warframe with me almost every night for a month.  You already know I need help. tongue

Hahahaha!  I'm really good at this!
Jimbo
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still drives a stick shift


Reply #317 on: July 16, 2015, 09:09:48 AM

So the other night, they bring in a guy who is drunk and high on K2, he was found unresponsive, then woke up and started trying to punch the paramedics and cops, he hit the cop and the medic (The lead paramedic took the hit that was aimed at the paramedic student), ended up in soft restraints. He got into the ER, and we started the work up for overdoses/unresponsive pt's where he ended up breaking the soft restraints, had to put 4 point hard restraints on him. He spit on one of the cops face and kept trying to bite us and kick and fight us. Oh he had to small seizure from it too. But instead of going postictal he would go freaking crazier! By the way, I'm there helping at a secretary/tech since we were short that position, I'm not scheduled, and just there to help and shit rolls in of course. Any way, with the help of EMS/Police/Security/RN's and Techs, we put him in 4 point hard restraints and start doing testing and getting labs and getting meds ready to give. I was getting ready to start and IV in his right arm, had his arm restrained and some how he managed to twist his hand and grab my penis. I was furious! The first time I've ever yelled at a patient, "let go of my dick you mother fucker!" So we replaced his arms in different locations and started his IV and drew blood and gave him more medicine to try and calm him down. We ended up giving him a ton of medicine to calm him down and stop/prevent seizures. He admitted to drinking 3 beers, shooting up K2, Methamphetamine, and KDM (hell if we know, it could have been yard clippings as crazy as this guy was). He came back for blood alcohol level of .249 (0.08 is legal limit for reference) and negative on the Meth screen, so he had gotten into some bad shit that they sold him. Another incident report I never thought I'd have to write, "patient grabbed my genitalia and began to squeeze and patient was moved into a different restraint position to stop him from grabbing this RN or any other staff." And had to file the police report, since he was being charged with battery with bodily fluids on Police, battery on EMS, and battery on RN/Hospital personnel, and battery on police (spit on one cop, hit another cop). Someone asked if the judge would dismiss it since he had a seizure, I said it is the same if you get drunk and hit someone or get in a car and kill someone, impairment isn't an excuse.

Well we have good and bad things like always, we have our Trauma system going! The surgeons are like super nice! I asked one if he really was a surgeon because they aren't dicks like our local ones. The bad news is that I have to do more with less still. More patients, more things to do, and our headquarters gave orders to bring all patients back into the main bed area and place them in halls sitting in chairs or stretchers in 3 minutes, and the ER Doctor or PAC/FNP has to see them in 5 minutes. Oh my God, has that been a monkey fucking a football. We have patients everywhere, providers are stressed, RN's are stressed, but hey the dick head who get a bonus by cutting staff and get to go suck dick on a beach down in Nashville are happy. They can boast how awesome we are at getting things done. Some of it is great, I finally got a ultrasound machine to do IV's!!! We have been asking for this since 2004. Of course they didn't train us, just bought the damn machine :( but hey that is a start. We got a lot of equipment for trauma, neuro/brain/spine injuries, orthopedic, stroke, a new blood transfusion policy (ya!), and better threw put on getting patients admitted and a transfer center to help place patients we can't keep. Another bad thing is lack of psychiatric care. We seem to be housing behavior health patients in the ER because our stress center is full and we have a suicidal patient and we can't get them placed in another facility in the state (Indiana and Illinois).

Oh and the cute lab tech I went to high school with would call up later that night and say, "let me speak to the Charge Nurse Long Dick Dong" and laugh. They were like damn Jimbo you were hanging low tonight for him to grab you. Never thought I'd be having that happen...
Sir T
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Reply #318 on: July 16, 2015, 09:20:25 AM

You always get the cute ones, Jimbo.  this guy looks legit

"I think its pretty troubling when a backyard decoration comes out swinging harder against Nazis than the President of the United States." Stephen Colbert
Mortriden
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Posts: 344


Reply #319 on: July 16, 2015, 10:06:19 AM

I love Jimbo's stories... mostly because I am reading them and not living them.  Carry on son, carry on.

It's like calling shenanigans.  But you say "jihad" instead. - Llava
They are out there, but they are bi-products of funny families. If you know funny old people, see if they have daughters. -Paelos
Yes my seed is that strong. I literally clap my hands and women are with child. -Paelos
Engels
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Posts: 8753

inflicts shingles.


Reply #320 on: July 16, 2015, 04:18:57 PM

New sig addition, thanks to Jimbo.

I should get back to nature, too.  You know, like going to a shop for groceries instead of the computer.  Maybe a condo in the woods that doesn't even have a health club or restaurant attached.  Buy a car with only two cup holders or something.

-Signe

I LIKE being bounced around by Tonkors. - Lantyssa

"let go of my dick you mother fucker!"  - Jimbo
Paelos
Contributor
Posts: 26643

Error 404: Title not found.


Reply #321 on: July 16, 2015, 07:03:45 PM

Let go of my dick, motherfucker.

That's a gem. Jimbo's stories are great.

CPA, Sports blogger, Mount and Blade enthusiast
Braves by the Numbers, my sports blog
Nebu
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Posts: 17332


Reply #322 on: July 16, 2015, 10:08:07 PM

Jimbo needs to write a book... or a screenplay.

Life is stranger than fiction.

"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."

-  Mark Twain
RhyssaFireheart
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WWW
Reply #323 on: July 17, 2015, 09:52:45 AM

Thank you for making my Friday, Jimbo.  Your stories are just awesome to read (because I ain't living it!).


K9
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Reply #324 on: July 23, 2015, 04:22:17 PM

Thanks for sharing these Jimbo, they're always an interesting read.

Seconding Nebu, you need to write a book. It'd be like James Herriot books, only with fewer sheep and a lot more meth

I love the smell of facepalm in the morning
rk47
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Posts: 6185

The Patron Saint of Radicalthons


Reply #325 on: September 30, 2015, 09:26:24 PM

'Steve! Did you receive an email I forwarded you?'
'What is it about?'
'SOMEONE IN CHINA IS BUYING OUR DOMAIN STEVE! YOU NEED TO ACT QUICKLY! STOP THEM!'
'Oh really?'

I read the mail.
Quote
Dear President&CEO,

We are official network solution agency from China. On September 16. 2015,a applicant named Mr. Jack Lee from Rew Industries Co Ltd wants to record and register the brand name and some domains by our office.

After our original inspection,we find Rew Industries Co Ltd has nothing to do with you. But If you have permitted this company or you think the application will not damage the interests of your company,please DO NOT reply us, we will fulfill all the registration for Rew Industries Co Ltd automatically.If you have not allowed the company to apply,please let me know asap.Thank you!

 swamp poop Wah, this is serious. [Sarcasm 100]

'SEE?! DON'T DILLY DALLY! GET TO IT!'
'It's a scam.' [Perception 9]
'What'
'Here let me just google the title of your email...' [Science 47]



Colonel Sanders is back in my wallet
Pezzle
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Posts: 1611


Reply #326 on: October 01, 2015, 02:51:29 PM

Heard this in the front office yesterday.


'I went and bought a bigger monitor, but the internet is still the same size!'
Cyrrex
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Posts: 6983


Reply #327 on: October 02, 2015, 12:29:26 AM

Pretty sure that must have been deliberate, no?  I say shit like that basically all day long.

Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
Pezzle
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Reply #328 on: October 05, 2015, 02:50:03 PM

I wish they meant it as humor. 
Jimbo
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still drives a stick shift


Reply #329 on: May 11, 2016, 08:26:47 PM

I work for the Pope now. St Vincent Health is who runs our system in Indiana, then it goes up to Ascension Health, which is the Catholic Charities that runs/bankrolls it. My little local hospital is really weird on social media and posting things, so I'm glad this is in a web-site where people wouldn't normally go to find health care blogs. They wanted to fire people over posting on Facebook one of our RN's suited up to take care of a pt in full P.P.E. (personal protection equipment-she had a high risk of getting splattered, so she was in gown, mask, goggles, gloves, booties, and surgical cap), the post said something like still smiling even under all that, or some crap like that. The CEO blew up. He wanted to fire the RN's that night and all the ones who liked it. This is the same CEO that jumped up in the middle of my job interview with him and yelled, "damn my balls are freezing! Are your's cold too?" I didn't take the director position and as long as I'm nights he stays away from me. Anyway, I'll have to keep the posts semi-sterile, where I keep any pt's name or hints from showing...I usually do a good job, I change all of the RN's names usually.

The hospital is smaller, it is only 8 rooms, 4 hallway beds, 1 Doctor, and 2 RN's with a 3rd from 3pm to 11pm, so critical pt's can slow the place down big time. I quit my old job even though there were some awesome training going on, but the lack of staff when they tried to run a Trauma center, Stroke Center, and Heart Center with next nothing on RN's was crazy. My Medical Director followed suit, he quit and went to another hospital and still works with me at the small hospital part time.

I really love it there, other than some of the management is crazy, well mostly 2 of them- the CEO and CFO. My direct boss is great and the CNO is great.

But on to the nights :) I know that is more entertaining then listening to the state of health care in the USA.

I had Lucy from 50 1st dates the other night. This girl had gotten drunk, gotten dropped off at her apt, walked out side with out her keys, and the door shut. So instead of calling someone or knocking on neighbors or something, she punches out a window. Except that caused a huge cut in her right arm. Luckily, it wasn't an artery she hit, but the problem was it freaked her out. She would start crying and screaming, till she passed out, then she would wake up, start off fine, then look down and see her arm, then start yelling, "what the fuck!? What the fuck is this?!" Then she would go into a banshee wailing and crying til she passed out. It took a bunch of sedatives to get her controlled and restraints eventually, but then she slept hard and it took the ER Doc about 1 hour to suture her back up. When she came back in 3 days later for her wound check, she was so apologetic, didn't remember anything. The Doc's stitches did great and her arm looks great when I see her out and about. But the 1st hour she was in the ER she was in a state of yelling, then passing out, then waking up, not remembering what she did, then seeing it, then going crazy screaming till she passed out.

I've got a one legged stalker. The girl who is my stalker is someone I took out 2 times back 2006, she went super possessive after the 2nd date and would send me text after text and filled up my inbox on my phone. So I told her good-bye, you're a bit to crazy for even my tastes. So I might say hi to her or her kid if I ran into them in the hospital or on the town, but not much of it I would make. Then about 2 months ago, I take this new gal I met to dinner (I'll call her Amiee), we went to Red Lobster. She has a brand new black Jeep Cherokee, so she was nice and let me drive (she knows I'm a Jeep nut), and we had a great dinner, ate, drank, and talked till they closed, then I drove her home. She lives in another town about 45 minutes away, but is from the town I'm from, we both went to school in this town and new a lot of the same people. So she stayed with her cousin that night, and the next day her family was getting together for breakfast. The one gal that I had taken out back in 2006 is now engaged to Amiee's uncle, and that gal has also lost her leg stepping in a hole in the floor in her public housing unit. Amiee's never liked her, as she thinks peg leg is after her uncle to get money from, since he is 62 and she 32. When they meet up, Amiee is accosted by the one legged gal, where she started questioning her in a snippy tone about how Amiee knows me, how did I pay for dinner, and when did I get a black Jeep when he has a yellow one. She knew where I lived, how old my kid is, where I work at, and on and on about my life. Amiee said, "Listen here Eileen (the one-legged gal is named Adrian), it is none of your damn business what we did, and besides you're supposed to be into my uncle not what the guy I'm out with is doing." The one legged gal broke down and started telling Amiee how she never got over me and has been stalking me since then...so of course I'm watching out for boiling bunnies on my stove, especially since my son and I forget to  lock the doors at times. She even has had thoughts of switching her hospital to the new one I work at which is 30 miles from her! So the gals I work with have been screening any calls to not tell what staff is on.

There is a bad respiratory infection that is trying to kill half the population and another stomach infection that is making the other half miserable. But on a bright note, one of the RN's I work with, has helped deliver 2 babies! I tell her that is awesome, as I've still not caught a baby (or got my stork pin) and I've been doing this since 1990 in some capacity or another, and the only time I got to help with birthing a baby is during clinical rotation in labor and delivery where they are expected to come out.

More to come, have to start a better journal, since it has been pretty intensive and lots of nights.



Cyrrex
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Reply #330 on: May 12, 2016, 01:07:25 AM

You should be a TV show.  And it could just be called Jimbo.

Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
Nebu
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Reply #331 on: May 12, 2016, 09:06:11 AM

Thanks Jimbo.  You are a daily reminder of why going into research was the best choice for me. 

Glad you're enjoying the new job. 

"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."

-  Mark Twain
Fraeg
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Mad skills with the rod.


Reply #332 on: June 02, 2016, 03:32:44 PM

Meh I thought I had some cool work stories, mine suck compared Jimbos


"There is dignity and deep satisfaction in facing life and death without the comfort of heaven or the fear of hell and in sailing toward the great abyss with a smile."
Sir T
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Reply #333 on: June 02, 2016, 08:47:01 PM

Please share anyway.

"I think its pretty troubling when a backyard decoration comes out swinging harder against Nazis than the President of the United States." Stephen Colbert
Jimbo
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still drives a stick shift


Reply #334 on: November 14, 2016, 12:29:02 PM



Dude came into the County ER late one night complaining of arm and chest pain on the right side. He then proceeded to tell me, "I had a headache for 2 weeks, so I took my stun gun and shocked my head. And it got rid of it." This was while I was scrounging for a good IV site since we were going to have to scan his chest for a possible blood clot. He ended up getting mad and leaving because we weren't giving him IV narcotics quick enough for his pain.

I did have one lady who came in because as she said, "her damn boy toy was drinking and driving that damn scooter (the mobility kind) and ran over my fucking foot." It was possibly broke, but the worst was we can't find pulses even with the doppler or the portable ultrasound. So once again I'm scrounging for an IV site, the lady is coming down off of meth btw, and has crappy veins, finally get a nice one, and get her scanned. We found a big ass blockage in the knee and ankle, where the arteries had been occluded, probably from the trauma. No fracture of the foot, but real problem that she will loose that limb or worse the clot will break loose and kill her. So what does rational ass person do? She calls us a bunch of dumb mother fuckers and signs out against medical advice. So 2 days later her family finally convinces her to go to a bigger hospital (which is where we going to send her in the  first place) and by then the damage is so bad she looses her foot from the knee down on that leg. Thank God I had charted like crazy and had been making sure to do 15 to 30 mins checks and documented everything. The ER Doc and I spent at least 30 mins talking to her and her family but there was no convincing her to go to the bigger hospital that night and get treatment. Now, she comes in for the stump getting infected, like the last time, she put Bengay muscle cream on the site of her surgery wound. It smelled of rotting flesh and Bengay...ugh  swamp poop It made the purulent drainage freaking blue!! I've seen some pretty nasty pus from infections, but freaking slime blue?!?! Anyway, the kicker is she is a year younger than me, but looks like hell.

The new hospital is great by the way. After I quit the small hospital, long story for another time, I started at a bigger hospital near my house. But it is a non-profit, so we have ER Techs, Orderlies, and even HOUSE KEEPING all night long! Now we still help each other, because we have 50 beds and some nights we rock out 180 patients. Some nights we don't. But still even being busy all night, it doesn't get overwhelming like it could. Anyway, EMS brings in a lady, she was black, had been drinking, and had gone for a walk form her house to the gas station and back at around 1130pm. She called EMS because, "something jumped out of my trash can on my property and bite my leg." She had like 3 small puncture wounds on the top of her right thigh and 4 small puncture wounds on the back side of her right thigh. Didn't really look like an animal, but whatever. So I'm teaching a new ER Nurse how to fill out an animal bite form that the state of Indiana requires, and our Doc comes in, he doesn't know what type of bites, says they look like insect bites, the damn lady doesn't say a damn word to the ER Doc. So when he leaves, I clarify with her, "you said an animal bite you, even though you can't say what animal it is right? This wasn't from an insect bite?" And of course, now I'm the bad guy with her, she says, "yeah it's fucking animal that bite me, I want you to get out of my room you damn fat fonky." The girl I was training couldn't keep from laughing, so she did the right thing and walked out. I said sure I'll leave and I'll go tell the ER Doc what she thought had happened. He chuckled, but we treated it as an animal bite wound and gave her the rabies vaccine and treatment. Plus we got a chuckle that she was drunk enough to call me a "Fonky" instead of "Honky".

More to come, it's still a wild ride in the ER  cool
Signe
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Muse.


Reply #335 on: November 14, 2016, 12:58:56 PM

When was the last time I told you that I love your stories, Jimbo?  I love your stories, Jimbo.   awesome, for real  You should write a book.  NOT a scratch and sniff book, though.

My Sig Image: hath rid itself of this mortal coil.
Paelos
Contributor
Posts: 26643

Error 404: Title not found.


Reply #336 on: November 14, 2016, 01:03:32 PM

Nothing like a blue slime meth infection to really make a story pop!

CPA, Sports blogger, Mount and Blade enthusiast
Braves by the Numbers, my sports blog
Nebu
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Posts: 17332


Reply #337 on: November 14, 2016, 01:28:33 PM

In other words, Jimbo understands exactly how Trump got elected.   Oh ho ho ho. Reallllly?

You're a great man, Jimbo.  Hang in there.


"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."

-  Mark Twain
K9
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Posts: 7435


Reply #338 on: November 14, 2016, 01:58:12 PM

Now, she comes in for the stump getting infected, like the last time, she put Bengay muscle cream on the site of her surgery wound.

This almost sounds like it could be a Jeff Foxworthy skit

Love the stories Jimbo, thanks for keeping on fighting the good fight!

I love the smell of facepalm in the morning
Cyrrex
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Posts: 6983


Reply #339 on: November 15, 2016, 01:18:16 AM

Jimbo, you need a blog or something, you could call it Purulent Drainage.  Or preferably, just come here every day an post about the previous day's events.  I suspect your lunch breaks are more interesting than my entire day.

Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
Engels
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Posts: 8753

inflicts shingles.


Reply #340 on: November 15, 2016, 11:54:52 AM

Thanks Jimbo, it does a body good. In this time of existential crisis, it is refreshing to hear that some brave git like you is facing blue puss, amputations all while getting called a Fonky and still able to face the next day.

I should get back to nature, too.  You know, like going to a shop for groceries instead of the computer.  Maybe a condo in the woods that doesn't even have a health club or restaurant attached.  Buy a car with only two cup holders or something.

-Signe

I LIKE being bounced around by Tonkors. - Lantyssa

"let go of my dick you mother fucker!"  - Jimbo
Jimbo
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still drives a stick shift


Reply #341 on: December 21, 2016, 12:26:33 AM

So election night was fun, I mean what does my crazy ass town do? Some of them celebrate by drinking, "2 big ass bottles of dark eyes vodka, those almost half-gallon sized bottles. Then he got on a razor scooter, road it in the house down the hall about 4 feet, fell and hit his head." Dude was unconscious, and drunk beyond what monkey's get. He was not responding, reaked of alcohol, so we treated it as an overdose-trauma patient, since he did ride a Razor Scooter off into the sunset...well hallway, then fall and hit his head. He was so drunk we had to intubate him, taking over his breathing. It was wild, as when I dropped the oral gastric tube down into his stomach and hooked it up to suctions (on ventilator patients we do that so they don't vomit and so we can give some oral meds if needed) I got about 500ml of pink clear fluid that really smelled of alcohol. I then asked if his family was coming, the paramedics said, "no, the whole house was drunk as hell, I don't think anyone is going to come, I'm not sure who called 911." To make it even worse for the guy, he had a possible broken neck too. So to ICU he went, with a c-collar on, intubated and ventilated, and family too drunk to come see him. The charge RN said his girl friend did call to check though...but she was pretty hammered on the phone talking to her.

I thought with the one crazy patient who put Bengay on her surgical wound was bad, but then we got a guy who had let his legs rot! I mean he came in with maggots on the wound on his foot, one toe so rotten it was down to the bone, and just looking like hell. We then started cleaning him up, and the other foot/lower leg was swollen but not rotten, or so we thought. It ruptured where it was swollen down around the ankles and maggots came out!!! I was like what the hell! We ended up calling adult protective services, as his wife was normal as hell, but didn't care one bit he was emaciated and full of maggots! This would be one patient I wish they would have filmed it. You don't see infections that bad, hell, I didn't see infections that bad in the MedCaps in Panama or the Philippines.

We had one crazy fucker come in for shop lifting 332.42 dollars worth of items from a grocery store. He wasn't very obvious, he had a back pack with his name on it, walking around the store at 2 am, grabbing items and throwing them in his back pack, then when he tried to leave the store, the security guard (off duty deputy) stops him. He throws the back pack and takes off running, the local police catch him, but he grabs a bottle of Xanax and downs almost 30 pills. He had all this chewed up pills in his mouth and was also kinda foamy at the mouth. Anyway, cops bring him in, he ends up getting restrained and we have to work him up. He admits to trying to overdose, then admits to doing Bath Salts. I'm thinking great another junior grade chemist gone wrong in my town again. The thing is he, had a ton of warrants out for him, so the police were not just releasing him and having us call, they stayed. While we were checking him in, he was fighting us and the cops, so he ended up getting put in restraints, and one gal was starting the IV and one was straight cathing him for urine (sticking a tube up his penis to get urine then pulling it out after we get the urine). One of the registrars asked what he was wanted for, I just replied all dead pan, "he was teaching Sunday School on Saturday." While the wonder patient was yelling, "my dick, my dick, what the fuck I didn't put the pills in my dick! You bitch!."

We did have some recent pediatric saves that were nice, then we got more crazy people doing drugs again...never ending cycle sometimes.
Ironwood
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Reply #342 on: December 21, 2016, 09:54:46 AM

What the fuck.  Thread Title is Warranted.

"Mr Soft Owl has Seen Some Shit." - Sun Tzu
Shannow
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Reply #343 on: December 21, 2016, 11:19:36 AM

I laughed, I cried, I threw up. Shouldn't read this thread before lunch.

Someone liked something? Who the fuzzy fuck was this heretic? You don't come to this website and enjoy something. Fuck that. ~ The Walrus
Khaldun
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Posts: 8640


Reply #344 on: December 21, 2016, 12:31:22 PM

I keep thinking sometimes about all the stuff that the rest of us don't know about the world beyond our experience of it--like we're all holding one piece of a hugely complicated cypher that is humanity. Jimbo seems to be holding an important and distressing part of the code.
Viin
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Reply #345 on: December 21, 2016, 05:23:01 PM

We did have some recent pediatric saves that were nice ...

As a parent, thanks for this!!!

- Viin
ezrast
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WWW
Reply #346 on: December 21, 2016, 09:08:06 PM

You're a light in the darkness, Jimbo. Don't ever let them change you.
Soln
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Posts: 4447

the opportunity for evil is just delicious


Reply #347 on: December 22, 2016, 05:06:56 PM

Yes, thank you Jimbo, particularly on behalf of parents and kids everywhere.
Pennilenko
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Reply #348 on: December 22, 2016, 06:19:23 PM

If anything ever happened to my son, I would hope that I could find somebody like Jimbo. The level of care that he appears to still have even after everything he has seen is admirable.

"See?  All of you are unique.  And special.  Like fucking snowflakes."  -- Signe
Sir T
Terracotta Army
Posts: 10604


Reply #349 on: December 22, 2016, 07:02:23 PM

I couldn't do what you do, Jimbo.

"I think its pretty troubling when a backyard decoration comes out swinging harder against Nazis than the President of the United States." Stephen Colbert
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