G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

[Merusk]

I dunno, if Ripcord's head (that is who that is isn't it?) exploded it'd be pretty fun.

[Trippy]

Ok, allow me to rephrase:

It's a summer blockbuster based on an eighties toy-commercial cartoon. If you ever even remotely think that more than 0.00001% of the world WANTS anything from it besides two hours of explosions and stupidity trying to win you over by being stupid fun, well, that's your brain damage.

That was not stupid fun. Mortal Kombat and Top Gun were stupid fun. That clip was pure stupid. No amount of explosions could cut the taste of fail in that clip.

Top Gun? You've clearly somehow managed to block those memories if you think Top Gun wasn't filled with horrifically stupid scenes like above clip.

[Ratman_tf]

Ok, allow me to rephrase:

It's a summer blockbuster based on an eighties toy-commercial cartoon. If you ever even remotely think that more than 0.00001% of the world WANTS anything from it besides two hours of explosions and stupidity trying to win you over by being stupid fun, well, that's your brain damage.

That was not stupid fun. Mortal Kombat and Top Gun were stupid fun. That clip was pure stupid. No amount of explosions could cut the taste of fail in that clip.

Top Gun? You've clearly somehow managed to block those memories if you think Top Gun wasn't filled with horrifically stupid scenes like above clip.

Well, if you put it that way, you must be right. 

[Hoax]

Yeah but it also had Val Kilmer and fighter jets.  This is going to have really terrible exosuit scenes, Dennis Quaid and less sex.  Fail.

[Evildrider]

Yeah but it also had Val Kilmer and fighter jets.  This is going to have really terrible exosuit scenes, Dennis Quaid and less sex.  Fail.

Yes, because Val Kilmer has such a huge career right now!   

[Lakov_Sanite]

Yeah but it also had Val Kilmer and fighter jets.  This is going to have really terrible exosuit scenes, Dennis Quaid and less sex.  Fail.

Yes, because Val Kilmer has such a huge career right now!   

Don't you diss Madmartigan.

[UnSub]

Yeah but it also had Val Kilmer and fighter jets.  This is going to have really terrible exosuit scenes, Dennis Quaid and less sex.  Fail.

Yes, because Val Kilmer has such a huge career right now!   

When Kilmer is on, he's on fire. Doc Holliday in "Tombstone" steals the entire film from some other veteran hams. Gay Perry in "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" was hilarious. He just also has a number of very ordinary roles under his belt too and has the rep of being hard to work with. Some of his cameos in more recent years have also been excellent (I'm thinking of "The Missing").

I get the  , but I felt it important to pound the keyboard in kilmerrage in case someone missed it. 

[HaemishM]

Look, I'm pretty sure that unlike Transformers, even Michael Bay couldn't fuck up a G.I. Joe movie. In fact, he could probably do it better. The source material in this case is pretty thin on plot and characters. For fuck's sake, the COMIC BOOK had more characterization than the TV show. Here, I'll write you a G.I. Joe plot.

1) Cobra builds some insanely improbable sci-fi destructo gadget like the weather dominator or the Vag Sealer or something equally stupid.
2) Cobra Commander makes some horribly douche moustache-twirling speech
3) Cobra flunkies get shot trying to do their jobs badly
4) Joes detect the use of the Vag Sealer with satellites
5) Joes send Snake-Eyes by himself to slaughter a division's worth of Cobra troops
6) Joes mount up on some horribly improbable vehicle device, like the Spinning Cube Burrower
7) Everyone screams YO JOE and CO-BRA! at each other while firing ineffectually in the air
8) Despite taking no casualties, Cobra fucks right off with a vow to get you next time my pretties
9) Duke shows up to tell kids not to insert weirdly shaped objects into their peehole because Knowing is Half the Battle.

Done. Film it, screen it, rake it in.

Or, they could just film a live-action version of Resolute, which has the same type of story, only with the ass-kicking turned up and blood and death.

[Slyfeind]

BRILLIANT!!!

[Sheepherder]

I was the person who said "respect the source" on the first page.  I don't see what the problem is...

300

Fuck no.

[tazelbain]

300 didn't respect the source?

[Sheepherder]

300 didn't respect the source?

It was missing something to the tune of several thousand (more) Athenians, several thousand Helots, and a massive fucking sea battle where and Anthenian navy fixed rams into the Persian fleet and then plowed them onto fucking cliffs.

But that might just be the retarded fucker who wrote the graphic novel as an allegory to the U.S.

[HaemishM]

But that might just be the retarded fucker who wrote the graphic novel as an allegory to the U.S.

The movie was respectful to the source material, which was the graphic novel, not the history.

[Sheepherder]

The movie was respectful to the source material, which was the graphic novel, not the history.

The fact that there is a more recent source doesn't give the more recent source authority, or make derivative works less of a steaming shitpile.

[HaemishM]

All I'm saying is that the movie wasn't trying to be respectful to the history, or historically accurate. Don't blame the movie for the failings of its source, i.e. the graphic novel.

[tazelbain]

History Fanboi?   

[Abagadro]

That stupid Branaugh movie totally misrepresented the Battle of Agincourt! 

[Ironwood]

Don't even get me started on U-571

Edit:  Shit, what did I type ??

[Cyrrex]

Some of you people are just strange.  What exactly is happening in your minds that makes you think a fucking Hollywood film needs to be historically accurate in any sense of the word?  I mean, it's fine to rail on a film for all manner of issues, but because it "doesn't respect the source" just means you are possibly the world's hugest dork.  This goes quadruply so when the "source" is just a bunch of made up shit to begin with.

[Ironwood]

While I tend to agree on stuff like 300, there is a line that shouldn't be crossed.

If someone genuinely made 'Springtime for Hitler' and presented it as a serious piece, you'd be a bit annoyed.  By the same token, films that trivialise actual events for cheap thrills should be fucked in the ass for all their worth.  Pearl Harbour Sucked.  And I miss you.

And then there are other films, not to be mentioned, where the cast of the actual historical events are changed and totally and utterly cheapen the very real sacrifice and effort of those who were originally involved and died for.

Yes, I'm talking about Chorlton and The Wheelies The Movie.

Fucking Shameful.

[Hindenburg]

Come on now, Braveheart was awesome.

[Cyrrex]

While I tend to agree on stuff like 300, there is a line that shouldn't be crossed.

If someone genuinely made 'Springtime for Hitler' and presented it as a serious piece, you'd be a bit annoyed.  By the same token, films that trivialise actual events for cheap thrills should be fucked in the ass for all their worth.  Pearl Harbour Sucked.  And I miss you.

And then there are other films, not to be mentioned, where the cast of the actual historical events are changed and totally and utterly cheapen the very real sacrifice and effort of those who were originally involved and died for.

Yes, I'm talking about Chorlton and The Wheelies The Movie.

Fucking Shameful.

I see what you're saying and generally agree.  But I guess I'm even okay with the trivialization of Pearl Harbor.  That's likely because I recall thinking that Kate Beckinsdale was so outrageously hot that the rest of the film hardly registered.

[LK]

I can't think of a movie where I saw Kate Beckinsale and didn't wish she was single.

[Sheepherder]

All I'm saying is that the movie wasn't trying to be respectful to the history, or historically accurate. Don't blame the movie for the failings of its source, i.e. the graphic novel.

I realize the graphic novel was a shitpile, hence the first post.  But it doesn't excuse the next shitpile any more than Transformers 1 excuses Transformers 2.  But I guess that's different... somehow.  Evidently Sunday cartoons designed to schill toys to children deserve more respect than the Battle of Thermopylae and Salamis, right tazelbain?

Right, thought so.

While on this note, we need a name for this phenomenon.  I'd suggest StarsAndStripesFucking, but that's a mouthful, just like 300.

[Hindenburg]

THIS SHIT. It is retarded.

[Lakov_Sanite]

Haemish will disagree but here's your example.

DnD....there's no plot, not even a single cohesive world. It's basically a blank slate to make whatever the fuck you want and what DID they make? One of the worst pile of shit movies in history.

So yes, you can fuck up G.I Joe, you can fuck up transformers, it has nothing to do with messing with the IP, it has everything to do with making a bad fucking movie.

[AutomaticZen]

300 didn't respect the source?

Did you compare the 300 graphic novel to the G.I. Joe cartoon?

Again, if anything, the movie is probably slavishly faithful to the cartoon, as illustrated by Haemish's outline.  Resolute was a aberrant that turned out well despite the source material.

[Velorath]

Again, if anything, the movie is probably slavishly faithful to the cartoon

It is and it isn't.

[tazelbain]

300 didn't respect the source?

Did you compare the 300 graphic novel to the G.I. Joe cartoon?

Again, if anything, the movie is probably slavishly faithful to the cartoon, as illustrated by Haemish's outline.  Resolute was a aberrant that turned out well despite the source material.

Ya, the "source is shit" argument. The exception that proves the rule.  Brilliant.

[SurfD]

Haemish will disagree but here's your example.

DnD....there's no plot, not even a single cohesive world. It's basically a blank slate to make whatever the fuck you want and what DID they make? One of the worst pile of shit movies in history.

Actually, DnD technically does have a "base" world, which would be Greyhawk, which was essentially the original DnD world setting.  Most of the famous DnD spells are named for Greyhawk mages (Bigby's hand spells, and the like)

[AutomaticZen]

Ya, the "source is shit" argument. The exception that proves the rule.  Brilliant.

Making a dark, hardcore, Conan-esque fantasy series out of He-Man doesn't make the He-Man source any more worthwhile.

Resolute and Rise share a source material and development time.  That Resolute was anything less than unmitigated shit was luck of the draw.  

Try again.

For illustration...here's your source:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3skqz_KYMFk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxIDlUAx7PI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhp0QSuQ0No
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OD8sOxhwQVo

[Margalis]

Resolute was fucking atrocious. Probably the worst feature length animation I've seen.

I don't get why people are so down on the source material for things like Transformers and GI Joe. The plots of those shows were thin but they were actually pretty well-written as far as moment-to-moment stuff goes. A lot of fairly well-known, well-respected people have worked on those old Saturday morning cartoons.

I haven't watched GI Joe in a long time but I've watched the old Transformers cartoons recently and IMO they hold up very well. A lot of good dialogue, a lot of stories and situations taken from classic fare.

[UnSub]

I was the person who said "respect the source" on the first page.  I don't see what the problem is...

300

Fuck no.

I was going to leave it alone, but someone else picked it up. HAHA!

"300" the graphic novel didn't respect the events that inspired 300 as a tale. "Iron Man" respected none - none - of the origin stories (unless someone re-wrote Ultimate Iron Man to be set in the Middle East, not South America, for the catalyst of his transformation) about the character and changed a number of other things to fit. LOTR is being discussed in another thread about its faithfulness to source. "Spider-Man" is probably the closest, but lest we forget the outrage over organic web shooters.

Someone else mentioned the fact that 1) the film actually needs to be good because the source won't save that, but the other thing is 2) you need to respect the source, but not slavishly follow the stupid stuff that fans get hung up on. So what if Spider-Man has organic webbing? Makes more sense (given the genre) than a high-school kid invents such an incredibly adaptive adhesive. "Iron Man" had the gist of the character's origin and Jeff Bridges was so awesome that who cares his character wasn't accurate to the comics? 300 was crazy Uncle Frank's exploration of totally not gay masculinity and how MACHO and MUSCULAR and WELL-OILED men can be when killing other men who deserve to be killed while the whores whores whores women look on.

If you are going to fork out money for the IP, you probably should use it to its fullest extent (unlike Transformers, which should be retitled "Sam Witwicky, His Hot Skankish Girlfriend and the Robots Who Transform" given the focus of the movies) but not following every little bit of lore doesn't invalidate the film. Look at "The Dark Knight". Batman kills someone through his actions. Batman kills. That's pretty much a 180 on the character. Yet it doesn't make the film any less awesome.

[WindupAtheist]

I think this movie should have no death in it at all. Every vehicle destroyed should have a guy somehow jumping out before the missiles hit. Every gunfight should end with somebody shooting a chandelier or some sandbags loose from the ceiling to clobber their opponent. I think it should be about a guy living on an island shaped like his own head using a mind-control device to hypnotize people into digging up diamonds to fuel a diamond-powered cloaking device that they use to turn the world's oil tankers invisible for some reason.

I think the heroes should count among their numbers a bunch of embarrassing stereotypes like an American Indian who goes around in braids and a hairband while he talks to animals, an Asian who runs into battle shirtless and barefoot so he can karate the shit out of people, and a huge black guy who speaks entirely in rhyme. I want to see guys hopping into tanks with big glass windshields and shooting each other with rockets that glide across the ground on skis. I want it to take place in like 1984, and yet somehow have every single firearm shoot laser beams despite looking like a normal gun.

I think it should be a fucking ridiculous nightmare where the villains steal DNA from Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, and a fat pro wrestler to create their ultimate leader, a screaming moron wearing a giant snake head around his face. I want the whole thing to be a giant disgrace that hews as closely as possible to the quality of the source material.

The cartoons you grew up with were stupid horrible toy commercials. The movie studio bought the IP to suck in nostalgic thirtysomethings and their kids, but they weren't about to make a movie that actually followed that silly horseshit too closely. They do want to make their money back.

[Lakov_Sanite]

I think this movie should have no death in it at all. Every vehicle destroyed should have a guy somehow jumping out before the missiles hit. Every gunfight should end with somebody shooting a chandelier or some sandbags loose from the ceiling to clobber their opponent. I think it should be about a guy living on an island shaped like his own head using a mind-control device to hypnotize people into digging up diamonds to fuel a diamond-powered cloaking device that they use to turn the world's oil tankers invisible for some reason.

I think the heroes should count among their numbers a bunch of embarrassing stereotypes like an American Indian who goes around in braids and a hairband while he talks to animals, an Asian who runs into battle shirtless and barefoot so he can karate the shit out of people, and a huge black guy who speaks entirely in rhyme. I want to see guys hopping into tanks with big glass windshields and shooting each other with rockets that glide across the ground on skis. I want it to take place in like 1984, and yet somehow have every single firearm shoot laser beams despite looking like a normal gun.

I think it should be a fucking ridiculous nightmare where the villains steal DNA from Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, and a fat pro wrestler to create their ultimate leader, a screaming moron wearing a giant snake head around his face. I want the whole thing to be a giant disgrace that hews as closely as possible to the quality of the source material.

The cartoons you grew up with were stupid horrible toy commercials. The movie studio bought the IP to suck in nostalgic thirtysomethings and their kids, but they weren't about to make a movie that actually followed that silly horseshit too closely. They do want to make their money back.

This is not a valid argument for turning it into halo:the movie.