F13 St00pid Joke Thread

[Amarr HM]

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who the fuck cares?  I wanna know why she left the kitchen and WHERE DID SHE GET SHOES???

I support that notion. We need more misogyny.

Q: Why shouldn't you buy a woman a clock for her birthday?
A: Sure there's already one on the cooker.

[Mattemeo]

Three Jamaicans walk up to a nightclub on a fancy dress night and get in the queue. The theme of the night is 'emotions', but the Jamaican trio don't look the part. The bouncer says "So what're you supposed to be then?" to the first, who has come as a drag queen. "I'm in dis dress!" protests the Jamaican. The bouncer lets him in. He turns to the second Jamaican, who looks like a large fruit. "What the hell are you?" "I'm in dis pear!" says the Jamaican, and the bouncer lets him in. Then he turns to the last Jamaican and realises he's not in costume, in fact, he's totally naked except for a bowl of yellow stuff he's covering his crotch with. "Ok, the other two I got, but you're not coming in" says the bouncer, gesturing for the Jamaican to leave. The Jamaican stamps his foot and leaves the line, shouting "Well, I'm fuckin' disgusted!".

[Teleku]

Took me a second, but got it.  Good joke overall, but I imagine the punch line works alot better if your saying it out loud.

[Mattemeo]

I imagine the punch line works alot better if your saying it out loud.

Most of my jokes are like that. Still...



How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but they have to be pretty small.

[Lantyssa]

Oh no.  Matt's found the joke thread.

[Segoris]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but they have to be pretty small.

That was the worst joke, and yet so awesome at the same time.




Using a spoiler for this joke since there are ~10 images to do it


The History of Presidential Limos 


And for my next funny:

If a woman with a nice set of breasts works at Hooters, where does a woman with one leg work?



IHOP

[FatuousTwat]

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who the fuck cares?  I wanna know why she left the kitchen and WHERE DID SHE GET SHOES???

I support that notion. We need more misogyny.

Q: Why shouldn't you buy a woman a clock for her birthday?
A: Sure there's already one on the cooker.

Q: Why do women wear makeup and use perfume?
A: Because they are ugly and they smell bad.

[Cyrrex]

Q.  What do 747s and blondes have in common?
A.  Both have HUGE cock pits.

[Hindenburg]

Q: Why do women wear makeup and use perfume?
A: Because they are ugly and they smell bad.

Thank you.

[IainC]

Q: How do you make a duck sing?

A: Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

[Oban]

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair..."

Here the husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

"Please, ..... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[Merusk]

Heh, I figured it was going that way but it was worth it.

A classic:

Why's Divorce so expensive?

[lamaros]

 

Damnit Yeg, I was gonna post that.

Why's Divorce so expensive?  Because it's worth it!

Why do men die before women? Because they want to!

Hm, I'll see how bad the thread gets before posting others.

Heh, I figured it was going that way but it was worth it.

A classic:

Why's Divorce so expensive?

[Ironwood]

Actually, it bears repeating.

...


Lots.


 

[Merusk]

Hm, I forgot I posted it before.   However, as Ironwood said, it bears repeating.  The longer I'm married the more I begin to contemplate its truth, as well.  Hmm.

[TheWalrus]

Why do men die before women? No one nags the women.

[Murgos]

Why do men die before women? No one nags the women.

I heard that as:

Why do men die before their wives?  To escape.

[Miguel]

A man and his wife are making love in their room when they are interrupted by their 4 year old son. 
"What are you doing?", asks the child on seeing his father on top of his mother.  The man is unable to come up with a good answer, and stammers something incoherent.  "Are you playing horsey?", the child asks.  "YES!", answers the father, relieved at not having to come up with an excuse.  "Well, hold on, I want to play to!"

The child returns wearing a cowboy hat and belt with a large silver buckle.  He jumps onto his father's back, and yells "RIDE EM COWBOY!".  The man looks anxiously at the woman, and she screams "JUST GO WITH IT!".  He shrugs, and gets back to business.

After a while, the wife's begins to moan, and her eye's roll back into her head.

"HOLD ON DAD!", the boy shouts. "This is usually the part where the mailman and I get thrown off!"

[Draegan]

It was once said that a black man will be president "when pigs fly". Indeed 100 days into Obama's presidency...Swine Flu.

-Sorry

[Oban]

My nephew was born without eyelids.  When he was circumcised, they used his foreskin to make him some.

When the doctor was asked if there would be any side-effects, he dead-panned "He'll be cock-eyed for the rest of his life."

[Oban]

A Consultant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, St Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations my son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Consultant sheepishly looks at St Peter and says "St Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, I tried to be ethical with all my mates and comrades, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive." "Congratulations for what?" says St Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The Consultant is awestruck and can only look at St Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at St Peter and says "St Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible my son," says St Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

[IainC]

What do you call cheese that does not belong to you?


Nacho cheese.

[Oban]

Possibly not safe for work offensive stupid joke:




A pirate bursts into a bar with a ships wheel protruding from his pants.

He shouts: ARRRRRRRRRRR Its driving ME NUTS!



A man says to his doctor, "Doc, I cant stop singing "She's A Lady."

The doctor replies, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me."

The man says, "Is it common?"

The doctor replies, "It's not unusual."



A Seal walks into a bar, the bartender asks "what do you want?"

The Seal replies "Anything but the Canadian Club."

[IainC]

A famous grouse walks into a bar and asks for a whisky.
The barman says 'Excuse me, but are you a famous grouse?
The famous grouse says 'why yes! Yes I am!'
So the barman says 'Well I bet you want the whisky named after you then.'
To which the famous grouse replies ' You have one called Colin?'

[Sky]

She's got more chins than a chinese phone book.

[lac]

A man says to his doctor, "Doc, I cant stop singing "She's A Lady."
The doctor replies, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me."
The man says, "Is it common?"
The doctor replies, "It's not unusual."

I've must have heard/read this one a hundred times by now and it still gets me everytime.

[Megrim]

An English census-taker walks into an Irish hut in the highlands, and asks how many people live there.

The woman replies "twalf, sor".

[Endie]

An English census-taker walks into an Irish hut in the highlands, and asks how many people live there.

The woman replies "twalf, sor".

idgi

[Trippy]

ndi

[Sky]

Y'like dags?

[Endie]

Y'like dags?

"Sfor me ma"

I get that she's saying "twelve, sir".  I just don't get what I guess to be a pun.

[Cadaverine]

Well, it is the stupid joke thread.  And so far, it's the first stupid joke.  The rest being actually funny on one level or another.

[Lantyssa]

I get that she's saying "twelve, sir".  I just don't get what I guess to be a pun.

Oh good, it wasn't just me.

[Oban]

Michael Jackson has canceled all his upcoming dates.

They were James (aged 9) and Thomas (aged 11).




What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett?

About 3 hours.

[dusematic]

They discovered the real Cause of Michael Jackson's death.  It was food poisoning.  He ate a 9 year old wiener.



But seriously.  It was a hereditary heart defect.  It was in his Billy gene.