F13 St00pid Joke Thread

[Bunk]

What do you call a...

guy with no legs in a lake - Bob
guy with no legs in a pile of leaves - Russel
guy with no legs no arms in front of a door - Matt
guy with no legs no arms in a hole - Phil
woman with one leg one arm - Ilene
Asian woman with one leg one arm - Irene

When is a door not a door? when its a jar

[NowhereMan]

What's wrong with a circular argument? There's a hole in it.

What's wrong with string theory? It's full of loose ends.

[Mrbloodworth]

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?


She was a woman.

[Merusk]

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer were debating the professional aspect of God. The doctor said, "I know that God is a doctor...when you look at the anatomy of the human body and its ability to heal, God can only be a doctor."

The lawyer disagreed, "Consider the precise analytical capabilities of the human mind. Unlike any other animal, Man is able to extrapolate logical conclusions from major and minor premises. God is definitely a lawyer."

The engineer shook his head. "No...you all have it wrong. God is a civil engineer. Only an engineer would locate a sewage treatment plant right in the middle of a recreational area."

--------

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field between 40 & 41 degrees latitude and 120 and 124 degrees West longitude."
"You must be an Architect," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to me and I still don't know where I am."
The man below says, "You must be a contractor."
"Well yes" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've made a promise that you can't keep, but now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[Murgos]

The man below says, "You must be a contractor woman."
"Well yes" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've made a promise that you can't keep, but now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

FIFY.

Reminds me of another one:

A helicopter pilot is flying around Seattle in a thick fog trying to find the airport.  After a while he decides to ask for directions so he pulls up to a building, rolls down the window and shouts to a guy working in his office, "Hey, where am I?"  The office worker yells back, "You're at the 5th floor." and then the pilot rolls the window up flies a short distance, makes a left turn and lands perfectly at the heliport.

His passenger says, "That's amazing, how did you know where you were from those directions?"  The pilot replies, "Oh, that answer was absolutely correct and at the same time absolutely worthless so I knew I was at the Microsoft Help Center."

[Samwise]

Q: How do you tell if the stage is level at a bluegrass concert?
A: The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: Is it possible to get pregnant from anal sex?
A: Of course -- where do you think lawyers come from?

[voodoolily]

Q: Why did God create Man?
A: Because dildos don't mow the lawn.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a man?
A: One's a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Q: How many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Frat boys don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in puddles of vomit.

[Phildo]

guy with no legs no arms in a hole - Phil

I'm taking that one, if you don't mind sir.

[Merusk]

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

----

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
 A whine and cheese party

----

A woman went to a doctor and said , "Doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The doctor said, "Oh really, what have you been doing for it?"
The woman replied, "Snorting pepper."

----

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

----

What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
  A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

[cmlancas]

What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
  A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

I'm not going to lie, this was fairly clever. 

[WayAbvPar]

Heh. I had a Fantasy Football team called the Cunning Runts a few years back.

[Polysorbate80]

Sorority joke time?

Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A: You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

[Tragny]

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?



For drizzle. 

[WayAbvPar]

Copied and pasted from a forwarded email, so most of you probably have 10 copies waiting in your inboxes...

A Redneck is driving down a back road in Nevada, on  his Harley. 
 
A sign in front of a Casino reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
 Lobster Tail and Beer
 
"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"

[Ironwood]

Warning :  Scottish Jokes.

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from  Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

Aman takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says  Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an  Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an  Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in  Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

A  Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down  Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

[Yegolev]

Ah, I actually got a few of those.

[Ironwood]

Excellent, that'll be 4 people on the boards.

Also, your avatar is starting to creep me out.  It's like the before and after picture when we're talking.

[Soukyan]

I only got three of the Scottish jokes. I fail at globalism.

[Lantyssa]

About half.  The easy half.

[Yegolev]

Also, your avatar is starting to creep me out.  It's like the before and after picture when we're talking.

Only just now?  I had a good run.

[voodoolily]

Excellent, that'll be 4 people on the boards.

Also, your avatar is starting to creep me out.  It's like the before and after picture when we're talking.

I got a couple too, but I had to read them out loud using my best Alan Cumming impression.

[SurfD]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Shopping Bag?
- One is made of plastic and is dangerous to children, the other is used for carrying Groceries.

[Endie]

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Most... obscure... joke.. ever.

I like it, though.

[Ironwood]

It is a Glasgow Joke, right enough.

[stu]

A guy and his family are sitting at a local restaurant. The dad notices that the waitress' blouse is undone quite a bit, and when she bends over, he notices she's not wearing a bra. The guy sees her tits in all their glory. He gets an erection, and leaves a nice tip. Later that night he goes home, and tries to have sex with his wife, but she turns him down. The next day he goes and talks to a psychologist. His marriage is failing.

[Aez]

Holy necro.

Q: What do you say to a women with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice.

[bhodi]

Holy necro.

Q: What do you say to a women with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice.

Read the thread before you necro it.

[Paelos]

An undertaker loads a coffin into his hearse and takes the corpse to the graveyard. On the way, he has to go up a step hill. Halfway up the hill, the door in the back flies open the coffin goes sliding out down the road. It slides all the way down the hill, goes over a curb, and goes into a drug store. It slides through the aisles, goes all the way back to the pharmacy, and rolls up onto the desk. The lid pops open, and the corpse looks up at the pharmacist and asks, "Do you have anything to stop this coffin?"

[Aez]

Holy necro.

Q: What do you say to a women with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice.

Read the thread before you necro it.

I did... missed it.

[Pennilenko]

Split body text:

http://forums.f13.net/index.php?topic=26299.0

[stray]

Dude. That's so not funny. 

[Pennilenko]

It got cut off........

- every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!", he ran over the snake.

[schild]

Oh goddamn. It being cutoff made it hilarious.

[Pennilenko]

Oh goddamn. It being cutoff made it hilarious.

Meh, im a forum putz. Its still my favorite joke.

[rattran]

tl;dl

Too long; didn't laugh.

Why can't Hellen Keller have babies?

Because she's dead.