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grebo
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Reply #1295 on: September 03, 2018, 03:46:03 PM

My one contribution would be, don't try for anything serious until you're no longer living with the ex-wife.  In my experience that would be an instant deal-breaker with anyone worth keeping.

Good luck though!  Keep at it.

Why don't you try our other games?
Khaldun
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Reply #1296 on: September 03, 2018, 04:41:56 PM

I was gonna say that the current GF sounds pretty good to me, but what do I know, long-married guy.

Reading this stuff is enough to keep me married. Not that dating for divorced people seemed to be a cakewalk twenty years ago either.

I was at a friends' house last year where all these incredibly smart, interesting, middle-aged good-looking women they're friends with were talking over dinner about the absolute loser guys they get matched with on every app. (I was actually the only man there, and apparently regarded as safe to vent to as the long-married, non-sleazy man they all knew to some extent or another.) I felt really bad listening to the stories. It wasn't really even the dudes who were just looking for sex or the scammer guys, it was just the helplessness of a lot of the men they were talking about--basically dudes who were looking less for a partner and more for a mommy to clean up after them, or even just guys who didn't know anything about how the world works. They showed me their various dating apps and services and it really was pretty goddamn awful.
jgsugden
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Reply #1297 on: September 03, 2018, 06:31:08 PM

It has been about 15 years since I walked your path, but:

1.) I had no idea how misrable I was in my first marriage until I was out of it.
2.) I met the love of my life, online, while newly separated (but with initial divorce papers filed - I had to wait 6 months for the divorce to be final).
3.) I was so worried that I was rushing into something new that I came too close to ruining the best thing that ever came into my life.
4.) Ignore everyone's advice and trust yourself, but only after questioning yourself a bit.

2020 will be the year I gave up all hope.
Phildo
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Reply #1298 on: September 03, 2018, 08:09:11 PM

Most guys also don't realize how bad or cliched their profiles are.  Ask some female friends to help you out with it if you're not getting many matches.  A bad profile closes more doors than people realize.
Khaldun
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Reply #1299 on: September 03, 2018, 09:22:36 PM

Yeah, I have to say that I thought I had a low opinion of what those likely looked like, but I didn't know the half of it. They were just terrible, no matter what it was that the guys were looking for.
schild
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Reply #1300 on: September 03, 2018, 09:37:44 PM

as a general rule, every profile sucks
Strazos
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Reply #1301 on: September 03, 2018, 10:07:40 PM

I’d say just keep getting out there on dates. You also don’t need to wait until one girl works out or not necessarily - unless you feel really uncomfortable seeing multiple women at once. You’re not even physical with them yet, so I don’t see the harm, unless that’s culturally inappropriate where you are.

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Cyrrex
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Reply #1302 on: September 03, 2018, 10:18:13 PM

Yeah, the thing with the ex GF is essentially that we were both going through the same sort of long relationship break-up thing, and then rushed into something that neither of us was ready for.  On paper, we're a good match.  But she has certain issues I am just not sure I could ever get past.  And in the final sum, she is in love with me while I am not in love with her, and that just doesn't work.  I wouldn't say I was the "bad guy", but I am not the good guy either.  More like...a bit naive with this sort of thing.  She is still actively trying to get me back, more or less saying things like stating that I can have any kind of relationship I want with her just so long as I don't go see other people, for up to 6 months to see if that changes anything or if I magically fall in love somehow.  The part of me that's controlled by my hormones has a hard time turning this down (despite being an impossible nerd, she is capable of fits of extreme hotness), but in my head I know I would be just taking advantage.  I actually care about her quite a lot, and I think I have caused her enough hurt already.  It's a shame, because in other circumstances she would have been my best friend, and I lament that loss.

It occurs to me that I may be broken and incapable of falling for someone right now.  But I have find out the answer to that question somehow, and I won't do it by staying with her and damaging her further.

"...maybe if you cleaned the piss out of the sunny d bottles under your desks and returned em, you could upgrade you vid cards, fucken lusers.." - Grunk
Cyrrex
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Reply #1303 on: September 03, 2018, 10:20:34 PM

I’d say just keep getting out there on dates. You also don’t need to wait until one girl works out or not necessarily - unless you feel really uncomfortable seeing multiple women at once. You’re not even physical with them yet, so I don’t see the harm, unless that’s culturally inappropriate where you are.

To the extent my schedule allows it, that is probably what I would do.  Assuming there are enough fish out there to play that game.  But I will try to be respectful at the same time.

"...maybe if you cleaned the piss out of the sunny d bottles under your desks and returned em, you could upgrade you vid cards, fucken lusers.." - Grunk
Cyrrex
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Reply #1304 on: September 03, 2018, 10:39:01 PM

GN1 is not being super cooperative in terms of helping to find something to do on Wednesday, so it may be a subtle test for me to try to find something.  Worst case scenario is that I will take her to some nice sushi place, I think.  She still is being communicative in her funny way of using few words (she talks a lot in person, but not so wordy in text) but instead using GIFs and pictures.  She sent me another selfie last night (still not of the dirty sort), and holy fuck does she clean up nice.  I am half tempted to post a pic here, but that'd be fairly disrespectful  awesome, for real  Some part of me thinks she's a bit too good looking, and that can only mean that she is planning to harvest my pancreas or something.  She is clearly aware of her relative prettiness, will be interesting to see what sort of baggage that brings along with it.
« Last Edit: September 03, 2018, 10:41:44 PM by Cyrrex »

"...maybe if you cleaned the piss out of the sunny d bottles under your desks and returned em, you could upgrade you vid cards, fucken lusers.." - Grunk
Cyrrex
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Reply #1305 on: September 04, 2018, 03:16:32 AM

Question just sent to girl who keeps trying match with me:  Are you really 200 cm tall?

 why so serious?

I mean, being a head taller than me might be a deal breaker.  Even if she does appear to have proportionally big boobs.
« Last Edit: September 04, 2018, 03:20:21 AM by Cyrrex »

"...maybe if you cleaned the piss out of the sunny d bottles under your desks and returned em, you could upgrade you vid cards, fucken lusers.." - Grunk
Tale
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Reply #1306 on: September 04, 2018, 04:33:02 AM

Years ago in this thread I was the Cyrrex-style poster. I did get some shit for it too. Sometimes you can sound like an asshole writing bluntly about potential dates, but I still don't think I was (except in a few events below).

In 2008 I changed jobs and began cycling 45 minutes of hills to work, which transformed me from single overweight gamer to dating a hot young co-worker psychopath. Today she's still blazing a trail of destruction through other men (and a few women), but I remember despairing "what do I do now?" and she said "just get out there". So I did.

Five years of dramatic online dating later, I met my now wife via eHarmony. It could have been any platform really. I don't think eHarmony actually uses matching technology, it just drip-feeds you everyone gradually (so you keep paying). She only had a brief profile with hidden photos, and I just had a hunch that I should see who was there. That we met online feels irrelevant, although we do tell people. We arranged to meet for a drink. When people ask how we met, I feel like saying "at the pub".

Back in 2010, while camping alone in a freezing cold tent, I took a selfie that worked very well as a profile pic (just my grinning face in a sleeping bag hood). Another popular dating site had a "top 100 profiles" based on level of interest, and thanks to that pic I reached #2. Which led to me hiding my photo and approaching women at my own pace. Popularity is emotionally draining and useless for actually finding someone.

The worst thing that happened to me was a 2011 break-up with the single mother of a 2-year-old who had turned 3 and had basically become my stepson. I left them, broke her heart, realised I'd broken mine too, said how sorry I was and tried to win her back. She said no. I tried to make it up to her for a year, until one day she invited me round. We drank a bottle of wine, I read her son a bedtime story as he held me tight, she kissed me goodnight and we agreed to go out again. Then she met someone else and they moved away. That took some therapy and I will always feel like a parent to her son, though he's now 10 and doesn't know me. By all means go into such a situation - just know you're in it forever, so try to make it work.

During the time I wasn't healed enough to be dating at all, I dated madly and left my own trail of destruction, especially with a kind, sexy Chinese girl who just honestly wanted to stay with me and start a family, but I kept calling it off and eventually she found someone else. So Cyrrex, I vote for your Chinese girl.

Now back to being on holiday with my wife. Marriage is a whole other discussion, with no smooth voyage involved... But even as she fell asleep on my shoulder watching TV last night, I was unbelievably happy. Keep going. More things happen.
« Last Edit: September 04, 2018, 04:34:33 AM by Tale »
Cyrrex
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Reply #1307 on: September 04, 2018, 04:46:57 AM

Thanks man, that was good stuff and I appreciate the perspective.

And I realize by putting all this out there, somewhat just for the sheer entertainment value but also as a way of legitimately seeking advice, I might come off as dismissive, assholish or blunt, but that is just kinda how this medium works and it probably is more interesting to read as well.  In the middle of all this, I am insecure, inexperienced, in over my head and fucking terrified.  Keep that in mind as you torch me.

Chinese lady, also known as GN2, is wary of my current situation.  My house sale is thiiiiiiiiiiis close to being final, and I am in earnest now looking for a place to live.  She senses the chaos, and I think she wants to put off meeting until some of that is behind me.  It is almost certainly for the best, especially as I already have GN1 to deal with.  So I won't push anything on that front.  There's also possibly a Girl Number 3 in the picture, but it hasn't advance far enough to get into just yet.

Khaldun - how would you characterize all these shitty profiles you were shown?  Certainly there is some informative or entertainment value in there.

"...maybe if you cleaned the piss out of the sunny d bottles under your desks and returned em, you could upgrade you vid cards, fucken lusers.." - Grunk
Cyrrex
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Reply #1308 on: September 04, 2018, 05:25:05 AM

Critical update:  GN1 just sent me a picture of her sink full of rinsed mushrooms.  This obviously is code for something, because what else could it possibly mean.

"...maybe if you cleaned the piss out of the sunny d bottles under your desks and returned em, you could upgrade you vid cards, fucken lusers.." - Grunk
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Reply #1309 on: September 04, 2018, 05:32:28 AM

Critical update:  GN1 just sent me a picture of her sink full of rinsed mushrooms.  This obviously is code for something, because what else could it possibly mean.

Were they magical mushrooms?

'Reality' is the only word in the language that should always be used in quotes.
Cyrrex
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Reply #1310 on: September 04, 2018, 05:34:47 AM

Erm, uncertain.  She says they are poisonous, but that doesn't exactly clear it up, does it.  They are also fucking huge, which I thought the magical kind were generally not.

"...maybe if you cleaned the piss out of the sunny d bottles under your desks and returned em, you could upgrade you vid cards, fucken lusers.." - Grunk
Khaldun
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Reply #1311 on: September 04, 2018, 05:53:37 AM

Let's see. Ok, for one, when there were photos, like three-quarters of them were dudes who were posing with guns, with dead animals, or with sporting gear. It was like they were sharing a message with their frat brothers or the local Rotary Club or something. Also terrible clothes, and often badly lit or blurry photos too.

About 2/3 were functionally illiterate. Like, spelling "cat" wrong and barely forming sentences.

Most self-descriptions wobbled between weird and cliched. "I like outdoors hiking, i'm chill don't need much, lots of fun that's what people say, low maintenance plz". That's one I remember all the women just sighing in exasperation about--was a schlubby looking dude holding a dead duck in the profile pic.

"Hope u like cooking, because I like to eat if u know what I mean". Like, I couldn't tell if that was supposed to be literal or some kind of innuendo. Either way it was pretty unappealing to this group at least.

Pretty much everybody at that table--and they were all professors, doctors, and other professionals--said that the few times they'd matched and tried going out, the men were lousy conversationalists, almost monosyllabic, had no real interests (at least not they talked about), and in at least a third of the cases turned out to be in long-term relationships or marriages that they hadn't disclosed. At least half the women there weren't looking for a long-term relationship themselves--just someone to have a good time with (including possibly sex) but they almost never even found that much.

Tale
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Reply #1312 on: September 04, 2018, 06:34:19 AM

Why is she washing poison mushrooms in her sink?

Let's see. Ok, for one, when there were photos, like three-quarters of them were dudes who were posing with guns, with dead animals, or with sporting gear. It was like they were sharing a message with their frat brothers or the local Rotary Club or something. Also terrible clothes, and often badly lit or blurry photos too.

About 2/3 were functionally illiterate. Like, spelling "cat" wrong and barely forming sentences.

Oh, shirtless dudes with guns were the main complaint of the women I dated. I am not god's gift to women, but I was online at the same time with my hidden photo looking for someone I could relate to. Every type is out there. The most visible profiles are the stupid ones and the narcissists.

Back then I was regularly cycling 100km events on the weekends and had professional photos of me looking fit on my bike, but those were received like the shirtless dudes with guns. It worked better when I just had a few smiling selfies and merely mentioned the cycling, maybe with one cycling pic at the end.

The flipside is... heterosexual man sees good-looking woman with stupid bikini shot, and wants. I even went on a second date after receiving a terrible sloppy tongue kiss at the end of three boring hours talking to what may have been her single brain cell, because she was hot and more might happen (the second date was all about her child who died before he left her, and yeah no, and I am so sorry for her). Later I had a first date with woman #3 in the top 100, who had been doing this for years and could only talk about the dating service and her other men, because that was her entire life.

You are drinking from the fire hose of humanity, and most people are not your people. But yours are there somewhere.
« Last Edit: September 04, 2018, 07:01:57 AM by Tale »
Paelos
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Reply #1313 on: September 04, 2018, 07:21:13 AM

Met my wife 2 years ago on OK Cupid. She and I got married this year in April. We're doing well, and internet dating eventually works if you're looking for something serious.

It also works if you're not looking for something serious, but you better guard against Herpes because man people are gross out there.

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Viin
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Reply #1314 on: September 04, 2018, 07:31:54 AM

In the areas you live, do they have 'its just lunch' or whatever its call? Anyone have experience with those premium dating services? There seems to be a $$$ barrier for those.

I also heard about one where the women initiate all contacts.. Bumble?

(I'm not looking (happily married) but it's interesting to hear your stories!)

- Viin
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Reply #1315 on: September 04, 2018, 07:38:17 AM

Marriage is hard but better than this nonsense.  Good luck!

Why am I homeless?  Why do all you motherfuckers need homes is the real question.
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Reply #1316 on: September 04, 2018, 07:59:44 AM

Salsa is how the kids dry hump these days.
Strazos
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Reply #1317 on: September 04, 2018, 09:04:22 AM

Went on a few dates with the various services, but eventually met the girl I’m seeing at a mutual friend’s house, so there’s that.

One I went out with twice. First date was pretty good - we closed down the restaurant we were eating at. Unfortunately the second date she just seemed bored and distracted the whole time. I offered to walk her to her car, but she declined because it was in the wrong direction from mine, and it was hot out...she went on vacation for a week or two, and didn’t message me whenever she got back, so I let her go.

Other one was an architectural grad student. Not a fantastic talker, but she was a foreign national, so there was that. She was hard to get a hold of, and I let her drop off after she was gone for two weeks or so, which was probably for the best - saved me from having to report the foreign contact anyway.

Had a ton of people match me (I could see when they swiped on me), but most had to be using the shotgun method because there was a zero percent chance I’d message them voluntarily. The few others I chatted with were just bad - it’s a wasteland out there, though perhaps I’d have fared better if I was looking for random sex, who knows.

Fear the Backstab!
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"Hell is other people." -Sartre
Cyrrex
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Reply #1318 on: September 04, 2018, 10:06:10 AM


GN1 was joking about the poison content of the mushrooms.  They were apparently some edible delicacy types that she scavenged from the forest and cooked up.

And in terms of plans, we figured some of that out, too.  She wants to meet at and go to the gym together.  This is an interesting development, because I practically live at the gym and there is nowhere I am more comfortable.  I have to be careful to show off the exact right amount.  Guys...what's the right amount to show off at the gym on meeting number 2?  I assume I will take her to eat something afterwards if she is game.

"...maybe if you cleaned the piss out of the sunny d bottles under your desks and returned em, you could upgrade you vid cards, fucken lusers.." - Grunk
schild
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Reply #1319 on: September 04, 2018, 10:13:29 AM

what's the exact right amount to show off at the gym?



stop that
Cadaverine
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Reply #1320 on: September 04, 2018, 02:42:02 PM

Guys...what's the right amount to show off at the gym on meeting number 2?

I suppose it depends on what you mean by showing off.  That said, probably none at all.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats.
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Reply #1321 on: September 04, 2018, 02:54:39 PM

Guys...what's the right amount to show off at the gym on meeting number 2?

I suppose it depends on what you mean by showing off.  That said, probably none at all.

This.

Don't do the macho show-off thing (unless she asks you to).

'Reality' is the only word in the language that should always be used in quotes.
Hawkbit
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Reply #1322 on: September 04, 2018, 04:11:04 PM

“I like your form” works well as a double entendres here. That said, that’s kind of a weird date for me. I don’t think she would want to see me carried off on stretcher yelling for beer and cheese sauce and tortilla chips.
Strazos
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Reply #1323 on: September 04, 2018, 04:53:59 PM

Um...just do the workout. You can maybe be flirty while doing so, but don't try to do anything stupid. Also, it's probably not the time to try to set personal bests.

Fear the Backstab!
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01101010
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Reply #1324 on: September 04, 2018, 05:05:43 PM

Um...just do the workout. You can maybe be flirty while doing so, but don't try to do anything stupid. Also, it's probably not the time to try to set personal bests.

Agreed. In fact, I'd go the more 'humble' route as not to pull anything.

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schild
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Reply #1325 on: September 04, 2018, 05:16:55 PM

this date just sounds miserable
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Reply #1326 on: September 04, 2018, 06:37:32 PM

The gym is a weird date but since she's into it:

Go a little under what you'd usually do, which is probably still an impressive amount, and look just bored enough while lifting to make it obvious that you *could* be a total showboat if you wanted to, but aren't because you're mature. If pressed, be super humble and say you're taking it easy because <reason>. If pressed further (this won't happen), then go up to your regular amount and ham it up a little.
Signe
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Reply #1327 on: September 04, 2018, 07:17:30 PM

The right amount of what?  I know some women like to show some cleavage but what the fuck do men show?  Penis?   ACK!  Whatever it is, no one wants to see it. 

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jgsugden
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Reply #1328 on: September 04, 2018, 09:06:07 PM

She just wants to make sure he actualy goes to the gym and isn't lying about it. 

Don't show off at all. 

One tactic is to treat her like your sister's cool hot lesbian friend.  Trying to make something happen would be a waste of time,so you should just hang out while enjoying her company.  Add a few compliemnts where they're due as a garnish.  This gets you far away from looking desperate or distant.

2020 will be the year I gave up all hope.
Cyrrex
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Reply #1329 on: September 04, 2018, 11:19:40 PM

She just wants to make sure he actualy goes to the gym and isn't lying about it. 

Don't show off at all. 

One tactic is to treat her like your sister's cool hot lesbian friend.  Trying to make something happen would be a waste of time,so you should just hang out while enjoying her company.  Add a few compliemnts where they're due as a garnish.  This gets you far away from looking desperate or distant.

I was joking about the showing off thing, but yeah, this is along the lines of what I am thinking.  The whole gym thing was basically her idea anyway, not something I would have ever offered up at this stage.  I figured I would just go along with it, it's kind of an okay neutral territory.  I am working under the assumption that I will invite her to go eat somewhere afterwards unless it's an utter failure.

"...maybe if you cleaned the piss out of the sunny d bottles under your desks and returned em, you could upgrade you vid cards, fucken lusers.." - Grunk
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