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f13.net  |  f13.net General Forums  |  The Gaming Graveyard  |  Archived: We distort. We decide.  |  Topic: Progressing the Suck: Bloodrayne Movie Review 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
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Author Topic: Progressing the Suck: Bloodrayne Movie Review  (Read 10197 times)
HaemishM
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 37177

Prevent all damage that would be dealt to you and other troops you control.


WWW
on: January 23, 2006, 02:55:03 PM


WayAbvPar
Moderator
Posts: 18539


Reply #1 on: January 23, 2006, 03:00:27 PM

You should just beat yourself in the beans with a tack hammer for a couple of hours instead. At least you save on the rental fee.

When speaking of the MMOG industry, the glass may be half full, but it's full of urine. HaemishM

Always wear clean underwear because you never know when a Tory Government is going to fuck you.- Ironwood

Who the hell taught you how to write? Fuck, that sentence is like internet transmitted face-attacking knives. Jesus. schild
Morfiend
Terracotta Army
Posts: 6009

wants a greif tittle


Reply #2 on: January 23, 2006, 04:03:24 PM

Rental? Its in theaters.
Samwise
Moderator
Posts: 16330

sentient yeast infection


WWW
Reply #3 on: January 23, 2006, 04:15:47 PM

I considered seeing this just to find out HOW bad it could be.  Now I don't have to.  Yaaaay!

"Nice attempted blast about my "drinking".  I do enjoy a nice cuppa, but that is because I am a bon vivant of gregarious nature and cheery disposition." - Ab
TheTijuanaBrass
Terracotta Army
Posts: 24


Reply #4 on: January 23, 2006, 04:39:45 PM

Uwe Boll, cinema's response to ebola. Ugly, messy, and you really don't want to be near anything that's produced by him.
WayAbvPar
Moderator
Posts: 18539


Reply #5 on: January 23, 2006, 04:53:45 PM

Rental? Its in theaters.

So make it a straight jacket rental fee to keep you from harming yourself and others in the theatre.  :-D

When speaking of the MMOG industry, the glass may be half full, but it's full of urine. HaemishM

Always wear clean underwear because you never know when a Tory Government is going to fuck you.- Ironwood

Who the hell taught you how to write? Fuck, that sentence is like internet transmitted face-attacking knives. Jesus. schild
Merusk
Terracotta Army
Posts: 26434

Badge Whore


Reply #6 on: January 23, 2006, 09:25:30 PM

I can't feel for you on this one, I just can't.

You paid good money to see Bloodrayne - a movie so insipidly stupid that my brain rebelled just reading the first paragraph of your summary - in the theater.  Not only that but you stayed for the whole thing.   If pain's your thing, just buy Poptart a lash and get yourself a gimp mask, man.

I can't get past the panties - Alluvian
I really like the cocks. - Lantyssa
People rarely believe just how good I am at sucking. - Lantyssa
I love the swinging dongs - Signe
schild
Administrator
Posts: 54074


WWW
Reply #7 on: January 23, 2006, 09:37:32 PM

just buy Poptart a lash and get yourself a gimp mask, man.

flugemhemhimler.
Strazos
Greetings from the Slave Coast
Posts: 15206

Trading Cotton for Chalupas in 2014!


Reply #8 on: January 24, 2006, 03:04:03 AM

I couldn't find screencaps in the internet.

I did, however, see that some retards are getting hot and bothered by the plasma on Lokan's face in that one scene. Ugh.

Fear the Backstab!
"Plato said the virtuous man is at all times ready for a grammar snake attack." - we are lesion
"Hell is other people." -Sartre
Sky
Terracotta Army
Posts: 28836

I love my TV an' hug my TV an' call it 'George'.


WWW
Reply #9 on: January 24, 2006, 07:31:12 AM

Quote
These bizarro swords, by the way, look quite fetching in the video game, but in real life are about as awkward as being caught masturbating by your mother in your teen years.
Yeah...by twenty it wasn't awkward at all any more. "Hey mom...can you bring me a tissue?"

HaemishM
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 37177

Prevent all damage that would be dealt to you and other troops you control.


WWW
Reply #10 on: January 24, 2006, 09:21:39 AM

You paid good money to see Bloodrayne

Don't assume things you know you shouldn't.

Shockeye
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 6668

Skinny-dippin' in a sea of Lee, I'd propose on bended knee...


WWW
Reply #11 on: January 24, 2006, 10:26:38 AM

You paid good money to see Bloodrayne

Don't assume things you know you shouldn't.

Which is why Haemish hasn't really suffered enough. He doesn't know true suffering and until he does these reviews of his aren't tortured enough art.
Merusk
Terracotta Army
Posts: 26434

Badge Whore


Reply #12 on: January 24, 2006, 10:54:08 AM

You paid good money to see Bloodrayne

Don't assume things you know you shouldn't.

You're in a bad mood today. I retract my joke!

I can't get past the panties - Alluvian
I really like the cocks. - Lantyssa
People rarely believe just how good I am at sucking. - Lantyssa
I love the swinging dongs - Signe
HaemishM
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 37177

Prevent all damage that would be dealt to you and other troops you control.


WWW
Reply #13 on: January 24, 2006, 11:01:35 AM

It's Tuesday. I never could get the hang of Tuesdays.

Strazos
Greetings from the Slave Coast
Posts: 15206

Trading Cotton for Chalupas in 2014!


Reply #14 on: January 24, 2006, 11:38:30 AM

Maybe this is Haemish's new spin on monasticism or something, where rather than praying on our behalf and sparing us the suffering, he instead views very bad movies.

Fear the Backstab!
"Plato said the virtuous man is at all times ready for a grammar snake attack." - we are lesion
"Hell is other people." -Sartre
Samwise
Moderator
Posts: 16330

sentient yeast infection


WWW
Reply #15 on: January 24, 2006, 12:32:46 PM

I suddenly have a mental image of Haemish strapped to a chair in a movie theater screaming out "DEO GRATIAS!" after every scene.

"Nice attempted blast about my "drinking".  I do enjoy a nice cuppa, but that is because I am a bon vivant of gregarious nature and cheery disposition." - Ab
UD_Delt
Terracotta Army
Posts: 999


WWW
Reply #16 on: January 24, 2006, 03:38:59 PM

I couldn't find screencaps in the internet.

I did, however, see that some retards are getting hot and bothered by the plasma on Lokan's face in that one scene. Ugh.

I'm good at teh interweb... or maybe I just dig naked chicks and porn... whatever...

***Following link is NOT SAFE FOR WORK***


http://www.iwatchstuff.com/archives/2006/01/kristanna_loken_topless_sex_sc.html
Shockeye
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 6668

Skinny-dippin' in a sea of Lee, I'd propose on bended knee...


WWW
Reply #17 on: January 24, 2006, 03:47:04 PM

Wow, that just saved me some money. Thanks!
Signe
Terracotta Army
Posts: 18727

Muse.


Reply #18 on: January 24, 2006, 03:47:55 PM

You actually went to the theater to suffer for us?  Wowsers.  You are even better than a hero.  You are Comfy Chair.

My Sig Image: hath rid itself of this mortal coil.
Llava
Contributor
Posts: 4602

Rrava roves you rong time


Reply #19 on: January 25, 2006, 02:48:28 AM

I was looking at other reviews posted, and I found this sentence in a review that was... I guess positive. He said it's good brainless theater fun, but Uwe Boll still sucks.

Anyways.  This sentence just really, really pissed me off:
Quote
the perfect video game to film adaptation, complete with level bosses and magical power-ups.

That the saints may enjoy their beatitude and the grace of God more abundantly they are permitted to see the punishment of the damned in hell. -Saint Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica
Signe
Terracotta Army
Posts: 18727

Muse.


Reply #20 on: January 25, 2006, 04:23:13 AM

God, I could use some magical power-ups.  Unfortunately, my magical power-up guy isn't answering his phone.   cry

My Sig Image: hath rid itself of this mortal coil.
Strazos
Greetings from the Slave Coast
Posts: 15206

Trading Cotton for Chalupas in 2014!


Reply #21 on: January 25, 2006, 06:59:50 AM

I guess that means the 900-numbers must be packed today...odd.

Fear the Backstab!
"Plato said the virtuous man is at all times ready for a grammar snake attack." - we are lesion
"Hell is other people." -Sartre
Llava
Contributor
Posts: 4602

Rrava roves you rong time


Reply #22 on: January 25, 2006, 10:28:20 AM

I guess that means the 900-numbers must be packed today...odd.

I think she was talking about marijuana.  Call me crazy.

That the saints may enjoy their beatitude and the grace of God more abundantly they are permitted to see the punishment of the damned in hell. -Saint Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica
schild
Administrator
Posts: 54074


WWW
Reply #23 on: January 25, 2006, 10:30:14 AM

I guess that means the 900-numbers must be packed today...odd.
I think she was talking about marijuana.  Call me crazy.
It's not funny if you just come out and say it like that.
Paelos
Contributor
Posts: 26543

Error 404: Title not found.


Reply #24 on: January 25, 2006, 06:22:06 PM

I guess that means the 900-numbers must be packed today...odd.
I think she was talking about marijuana.  Call me crazy.
It's not funny if you just come out and say it like that.

Yeah it's only funny if you're alluding to something that sounds funny and you come right out and say it.

Like nipples.

CPA, Sports blogger, Mount and Blade enthusiast
Braves by the Numbers, my sports blog
Cheddar
I like pink
Posts: 4857

Noob Sauce


Reply #25 on: January 25, 2006, 06:30:14 PM

Hello Kitty

No Nerf, but I put a link to this very thread and I said that you all can guarantee for my purity. I even mentioned your case, and see if they can take a look at your lawn from a Michigan perspective.
Lt.Dan
Terracotta Army
Posts: 758


Reply #26 on: January 27, 2006, 11:17:56 AM

Quote from: Haemish
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, I thought only running water or holy water caused this effect in vampires

ZOMGzors what if superman was a vampire could a lightsaber hurt him?
Sky
Terracotta Army
Posts: 28836

I love my TV an' hug my TV an' call it 'George'.


WWW
Reply #27 on: January 27, 2006, 12:22:51 PM

We watched the early sequence of House of the Dead where they rent the boat to take them to the island. That's some atrocious shit there, I love making my girl squirm watching it, but after a couple minutes of that gorton's fisherman character sliding from accent to accent with the frequency of a cheap ham radio, even I have to change the station. So abysmal I can't believe anyone ever let that Boll guy work again.

Big Gulp
Terracotta Army
Posts: 3057


Reply #28 on: January 28, 2006, 04:16:07 PM

So abysmal I can't believe anyone ever let that Boll guy work again.

He's probably made money with every movie he's made.  That's really all there is to it.  You make money, you get to keep working.

That's sort of why I make fun of the whole, "Conservative actors don't get work in Hollywood!" bullshit.  If you bring in the bank you'll find work in Hollywood.  Even if they have you on tape raping nuns and drinking the blood of infants, as long as you make money you'll still get a table at Spago.
Margalis
Terracotta Army
Posts: 12335


Reply #29 on: January 28, 2006, 04:37:21 PM

Conservative actors don't get work in hollywood though. Especially Mel Gibson. What does that guy have to do to get a gig?

vampirehipi23: I would enjoy a book written by a monkey and turned into a movie rather than this.
Paelos
Contributor
Posts: 26543

Error 404: Title not found.


Reply #30 on: January 29, 2006, 01:05:48 AM

Conservative actors don't get work in hollywood though. Especially Mel Gibson. What does that guy have to do to get a gig?

I'd state the answer, but it's blasphemous.

CPA, Sports blogger, Mount and Blade enthusiast
Braves by the Numbers, my sports blog
squirrel
Contributor
Posts: 1765


Reply #31 on: January 31, 2006, 02:41:39 AM

It's Tuesday. I never could get the hang of Tuesdays.

See wednesdays are the suck for me. Hell between you, me and Arthur we could pretty much cripple a whole week!

EDIT: fucking graduate degree and i still can't write a single sentence that gets 's vs. s right.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2006, 02:44:09 AM by squirrel »

Speaking of marketing, we're out of milk.
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