Me, Myself, and My Right Hand: A Theory of Celluloid and Collegiate Sex

[Pococurante]

Deep breaths.  Think of head tilty owls.  Non-linear game stories.  Games without grinding.

It's not easy raising parents but I'm proud you two have stuck to your guns.  Good for society and all that.  Bravo.

[Hanzii]

I like the platitudes (and the platypus on a chain, that was classy). So I'll agree with everything Haem said from the ageing dude with wife and kids point of view.
And with whomever said "it never rains, it pours".
I was you for most of college. NIce, friends with a lot of girls, saw very little action, was probably stupidly busy looking for Miss Right, when I should be looking for Miss Right Now. Then I met this girl, completely the one I wasn't looking for. Had one crazy weekend (which involved a bottle of vodka on the backseat of Portisheads tourbus), she broke up shortly after.
Being suddenly very selfconfident, complety indifferent (ie not looking for The One) and a wee bit pissed with women in general was the best thing that could have happened poonwise. Only meeting my wife-to-be and deciding that monogamy probably was worth it, broke my new track record.

So my advice would be. Hide desperation. If you can't be confident, fake it - alchohol helps, you just have to find the magic point where you believe you can do anything, but doesn't drool and mumble, so you can't convince a girl of the same.
... and stop worrying.

[Strazos]

SPT, Signe, Voodoo, you want to back me up on that?  (At least one of them will be sarcastic and say that they love the fratboy douches, but now that I've pointed that out they might not.  What will you do now? Sarcasm=PWNED.)

Hehe, I found this fairly amusing.

[Signe]

Careful, Strazos.  I'm still in the process of forgiving you.

[Strazos]

So my advice would be. Hide desperation. If you can't be confident, fake it - alchohol helps, you just have to find the magic point where you believe you can do anything, but doesn't drool and mumble, so you can't convince a girl of the same.
... and stop worrying.

Believe it or not, I've tried this...

Both Alcohol and Drugs have no effect on my personality whatsoever. Sure, my balence becomes slightly off, and my head feels a bit swimmy, but I'm still the same coherant, overly-analytical person....sucks.

And to top it all off, it takes a lot of alcohol to get me even buzzed, and I don't even like to drink to get drunk. A nice White Russian is enough for me.

[Llava]

If you can't be confident, fake it

I agree.  Most people who appear confident are faking it.  If they can pull it off, there's no reason you can't.

And notice how both SPT and I mentioned walking upright?  It's weird, but it's important.

I took my cues from the opening cutscene of Vampire: Bloodlines.  The shot with the Prince explaining things to your character and you following behind him, both walk with this confident, almost haughty swagger.  Of course you won't be able to copy it exactly, and you'd probably look ridiculous if you tried to, but it's a good starting point.  And I tested it on my girlfriend, and it works.

[penfold]

I see the problem. You want poon, but you don't just want poon, you want poon with the right person. Unacceptable. You'll never get poon that way, nor will you meet the right person.

Since the original poster says he hates platitudes, I wont say anything other than "wrong!"

The main thing I was trying, and apparently failing to get at, was that it seems like eveyone around me was lying their ass off to make their lives seem more like the movies that they wish they were.

There's probably a bar, on a planet in the Sigma Tau system, and 2 Impregnator Greeples are in there knocking back some fermented sulphur beverages exagerating how many Birthing Greeples they have had. Its not a Hollywood thing. When the whole reason for our existence seems to be procreation, no one is going to admit they never get any, or if they have had some, it wasnt good, they were crap and it happens once a blue moon (or above, once in a 3 moon conjunction).

[Rasix]

So my advice would be. Hide desperation. If you can't be confident, fake it - alchohol helps, you just have to find the magic point where you believe you can do anything, but doesn't drool and mumble, so you can't convince a girl of the same.
... and stop worrying.

This is what ultimately worked for me.  Up until my junior year of college, it was a dry, dry season.  Not really any reaction to my presence from the opposite sex.  Then I started hanging out with a friend that was a big time partier and I dragged myself a long.  Most of the first half of my junior year was lost in a booze soaked binge.  I get drunk very easily and I'm not a bad drunk, as in I don't embarass myself and still contain 90% of my brain but none of the inhibitions or conscience.  Most girls that probably thought I was gay or asexual earlier were all of the sudden making passes at me.  I even got disdainful glances from the prudes in my Honor's dorm (seriously, I'd highly suggest not being in an honor's dorm if you want some action, too many puritans).  Too bad I met my wife early second semester, I could have gone on quite a tear.  Ironically with my wife, I noticed something in her that made me resist making a pass at her or engaging in a drunken make out session.  I got her number and it went from there..

Funny enough, it was also advice from my dad that brought me some sage advice that has been mirrored here: "you're going to kiss a lot of frogs, before you find your princess".  Put the blond, sorority cock-holster bitches out of your mind and your world opens up.

And notice how both SPT and I mentioned walking upright?  It's weird, but it's important.

Heh, that reminds me of a girl I knew who kept tell me to stand up straighter and push my shoulders back.  This was a bit harder for me, since no one knew I had a degenerative spinal disease that required surgery after my sophomore year.  Perhaps being a bit straighter helped me out that year (Junior) also. 

[SuperPopTart]

*Shrug* I've given lots of advice to guys on how to improve their love lives and I can give you no better example then my brother. He's a gorgeous 22 year old that had no confidence so he let women drag all over him and ended up a doormat.

Then one day he listened to me when I said "Get a Spine".

And he did.

And now he has women swarming over him.

Confidence is it boys.

[schild]

So, to sum up:
If you want poon, be a douche. Perferably drunk and without standards.
If you want poon with Missus Right, stop looking cuz she doesn't exist.
Flip lifestyles and date SPT's brother.

It's all starting to make sense.

By the way, confidence doesn't pick up your stereotypical hottie in a bar unless she's with friends. Girls don't lower standards or change their own when they're with friends. They'll often try to bat out of their league, like men do. Basically, play the minors and do a lot of laundry at the seedy shithole laundromat down the road. Also, hang out at places like libraries, parks, and restaraunts with cute waitresses (not bars, restaraunts). Cuz you ain't picking up Sally the Socialite down at your local college dive.

[Daydreamer]

Good advice all of it, and thank you.  Except for the slight problem of me having a girlfriend as I tried to explain on the second page - though I imagine if or when this relationship ends I will have a chance to put it to use.  I was trying to make a more generalized statement about people lying to each other and themselves about their sex lives using my (mostly) unsuccessful experience as a starting point.

So how often and how much do people lie to themselves and others about their sex lives?  And why do we continue to drop billions of dollars on movies and books and outtings each year, as consumers, reassuring ourselves of these pretty little lies?

[schild]

Good advice all of it, and thank you.  Except for the slight problem of me having a girlfriend as I tried to explain on the second page - though I imagine if or when this relationship ends I will have a chance to put it to use.

Is it wrong for me to want to kick the shit out of you?

[SuperPopTart]

Good advice all of it, and thank you.  Except for the slight problem of me having a girlfriend as I tried to explain on the second page - though I imagine if or when this relationship ends I will have a chance to put it to use.  I was trying to make a more generalized statement about people lying to each other and themselves about their sex lives using my (mostly) unsuccessful experience as a starting point.

So how often and how much do people lie to themselves and others about their sex lives?  And why do we continue to drop billions of dollars on movies and books and outtings each year, as consumers, reassuring ourselves of these pretty little lies?

....Because sometimes stepping into an alternate reality is well.. interesting at least?

....or we need a good laugh?

And I'm not sure what society you come from or live in but how many people do you know are completely and brutally honest about their own sexual needs/situations/persuasions?

[Daydreamer]

Good advice all of it, and thank you.  Except for the slight problem of me having a girlfriend as I tried to explain on the second page - though I imagine if or when this relationship ends I will have a chance to put it to use.

Is it wrong for me to want to kick the shit out of you?

Not really.  You'd be surprised how often I get that too.

[Margalis]

My advice is to do what I'm doing - working on a psuedo-magic the gathering based strategy game, listening to Apocalyptica play Master of Puppets, and wearing an Iron Maiden t shirt. Ok, I'm not doing that last one but I could run to the closet and get the trifecta.
---

In all sersiousness I will say these things:
Anyone can get laid if they want to enough.
"Nice guys finish last" because most self-described "nice guys" are actually annoying whiners.

People need to learn to enjoy life for what it is. Nothing is more depressing sometimes than reading magazines, watching TV, and feeling like there is some cotton-candy existence you've totally missed out on. Live life instead of worrying what you should be doing or what other people are supposedly up to.

Your hand right can give you a better hand-job than any girl anyway.

[stray]

Margalis, you have better articulated what I've been trying to say.

"Turn off the TV" and "Don't be a dick" was probably a little too concise.

[Paelos]

Man, I turn off the computer for the day and I miss most of this thread. Very very interesting stuff.

That being said I think a lot of you are jaded dicks, but that's standard. Getting to know people is very key, and not just in the meet them in a bar way. I've had great relationships with women based on mutual friends mostly. I think using your connections that way is key rather than just randomly hitting on people. It's the difference between selling by cold-calling and selling to someone you know by casual aquaintance. The ice is broken, and the door is open. Make sure to seize your moments then, you don't get many.

And I don't lie much about my sex life, being that I don't have one.

[Xanthippe]

So how often and how much do people lie to themselves and others about their sex lives?  And why do we continue to drop billions of dollars on movies and books and outtings each year, as consumers, reassuring ourselves of these pretty little lies?

Don't confuse popular culture movies, books and TV shows as reflecting real life.  They don't.  They reflect somebody's idea of how they wished their life was.

And don't get involved in the whole scene of allowing popular culture to dictate to you how life should be lived.  Sure, there are people who do that.  It's not real, though, and they're confused.

Movies, TV and books are for escape, not for directions on How One Lives Life.

Living life is just a string of moments made up of drinking good coffee, stressing about bills/love/lack/loss, once in a while watching a nice sunset, relaxing in the quiet, dancing in the loud....  It has very little to do with how Hollywood portrays life at all. 

[And Daydreamer, I still don't get why your parents are bugging you about grandchildren at the tender age of 21.]

[MrHat]

lol Day, I think you really fucked your point by posting all that personal stuff.


 

Holy shit, where'd that come from.

[Evangolis]

Holy shit, where'd that come from.

Probably the same place most of us keep our regrets and disappointments, would be my guess.  Not really a bad idea to take them out and look at them in the light of day, now and then.

[Strazos]

In all sersiousness I will say these things:
Anyone can get laid if they want to enough.

That's not fair...

Standards, etc...they get in the way, as it were.

[schild]

In all sersiousness I will say these things:
Anyone can get laid if they want to enough.

That's not fair...

Standards, etc...they get in the way, as it were.

Swing and a miss. If you want to get laid that badly, there aren't standards.

[Evangolis]

Swing and a miss. If you want to get laid that badly, there aren't standards.

Standards and ideals are necessities to the young, and luxuries to the old.  Or that's how it's working out for me, at least.

[schild]

Swing and a miss. If you want to get laid that badly, there aren't standards.

Standards and ideals are necessities to the young, and luxuries to the old.  Or that's how it's working out for me, at least.

We're talking about a quick fuck here, not a lifelong relationship. Again, if you want to get laid badly enough standards go out the window.

Edit: You should see some of the guys and girls my friends in high school and college messed around with and never talked to again.

[Strazos]

Let me put it this way:

If I don't like what I'm banging, then why should I bother with the hassle at all.

Our own casanova Schild sure seems to have a lot to say.

[schild]

Let me put it this way:

If I don't like what I'm banging, then why should I bother with the hassle at all.

You're still missing the point. If you don't like what you're banging, you're obviously not that desperate for sex. That's the point. If you can choose to have or not have and be happy either way - you are not desperate. That's where your making the mistake. I'm not faulting you for having standards. Nor am I calling you desperate. Nor am I saying you have bad standards. I'm simply saying you're missing the point of wanting that badly to fuck something.

Our own casanova Schild sure seems to have a lot to say.

Thanks for trying to be cutting but calm it, junior. Nothing above (this comment) was a comment about you personally but rather elaboration on what Margalis said.

Edit: Clarity.

[Ironwood]

You are all fucking mental.

As for Daydreamer;  when you mentioned you already had a girlfriend, THAT should have been the point at which you asked the mods to delete the thread.  What a pointless waste of time.



Edited to Add :  Savage Love is particularly relevant this week, I feel.

[Signe]

I'm disappointed in you, Daydreamer.  I was feeling sorry for you because you were the only boy who couldn't get any at uni, but now I just want to pinch you really, really hard.

I want to leave pinch marks, too.

[Evangolis]

We're talking about a quick fuck here, not a lifelong relationship.

While I am no moral paragon, it is worth remembering that every quick fuck has the potential to become a lifelong relationship.  That is the bitch about heterosexuality.

[Furiously]

If you want to put your standards in the hands of a stranger... you could always try this....

http://www.greenlighter.org/index.php?sid=8fb26b610055fec5c23e3409eea2d9f9 Note - this link may not be a workplace appropriate place to visit. No pictures, but subject matter.

[SuperPopTart]

That being said I think a lot of you are jaded dicks, but that's standard.

You know, Paelos. That is not a very Christian thing to say. Really. What would god think?

[Evangolis]

That being said I think a lot of you are jaded dicks, but that's standard.

You know, Paelos. That is not a very Christian thing to say. Really. What would god think?

Probably that a lot of us are jaded dicks.  It's probably a fairly accurate statement, after all.

[SuperPopTart]

That being said I think a lot of you are jaded dicks, but that's standard.

You know, Paelos. That is not a very Christian thing to say. Really. What would god think?

Probably that a lot of us are jaded dicks.  It's probably a fairly accurate statement, after all.

I'm not jaded. I'm a happy monkey.

[Furiously]

Can we please discuss the creepiness of greenlighting.

Or maybe Rainbow/lipstick parties Note - this link may not be a workplace appropriate place to visit. No pictures, but subject matter.

[AcidCat]

And why do we continue to drop billions of dollars on movies and books and outtings each year, as consumers, reassuring ourselves of these pretty little lies?

The purpose of entertainment/fiction seems to really escape you, doesn't it?