Me, Myself, and My Right Hand: A Theory of Celluloid and Collegiate Sex

[Daydreamer]

[Editor's Disclaimer: This rant was composed under a combination of sleep deprivation, hunger, alchohol, caffine, and porn touched off by some parental guilt-tripping with regards to possible grand-children.  There is also a very real chance that this piece is based on a local statistical anomaly do to socio-economic-solar flares or some such.  But your still reading anyways.]

Hollywood's teen/college dramas are seriously fucked up.  This is not news, and has been a topic of much mental and verbal masturbation from culture mavens for a long time.  But what probably should be news is the sheer magnitude of their fuck ups - the distance of interstellar proportions that exists between the real world we inhabit and the one on the otherside of the Silver Screen.  These teeny-bob movies generally feature mature photogeneic looking 21-26 year-old caucasians playing 14-20 year olds that should be of all shapes, sizes, races, religions, and creeds.  I am twenty-one and there is not a single teeny-bop lead outside fucking Disney that I can name that looks as young or younger than me.  But this is the least of their sins.

What really and truly pisses me off is the way that everybody in every movie and every teen-angsty television show is always lusting after each other in unrealistic, irrational, comedic-dramatic ways that are none the less COMPLETELY PREDICTABLE.  The uncool lead always gets the cool costar in the end, the bullies are thwarted, the competition won, the world saved. YAWN.  Shot of lead and co-star moving to a secluded place, pan away to unfunny comic relief side kick for obligatory joke, pan back to couple, now partially or completely obstructed for the highly stylized and exaggerated movement suggesting sex (e.g. rocking van).  Slow pan out, cue catchy pop theme song.  PUKE.  BARF.  RETCH.  HURL.

The overall message of these soul-less braindead creations is that in this happening, modern, understanding age of [insert year here] everybody excvept a few unsympatheic villian characters will get laid in the near future, and no you don't have to get married to get any nookie.  To the creators of these fine, multi-million dollar  dreams I say - what fucking planet are you from?  Or has the need for creating a nearly universally accepted movie so clouded your judgement that making movies based in the REAL WORLD has become untenable?

You see, I just graduated from college but have not yet found a job.  As such I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the last four years - what I've learned and the people I've met and the things that have happened to me.  And the one unifying theme between all of the aspects of my life that I have examined is that none of them have lived up to my expectations.  I got a B average in the 40-somethingth university in the country by doing no stidying but cramming, worked 20 hours a week at a difficult but tedious job, and had a grand total of two girl friends for a few monthes each.    I am neither ugly nor handsome.  I am told I am a little neurotic, but am mildly funny and an engaging and knowledgable conversationalist.  I am told I am polite and mildly generous when I pay attention, but lapse often into forgetfulness and obliviousness. 

And I never got any where near getting laid.

But all is not lost - what if I am the exception that proves the rule - the villian or arch-rival whose loss catalyses another's gain?  But it is not so.  Over the last four years I have had 9 roomates, 20ish people I would consider friends, and at my job I worked with between 300 and 400 students total.  Of which I can say, beyond a reasonable doubt, at least 4 people I know got laid, and another 10-12 are possibles.  The single most promiscuous person I meet slept with, at maximum, 3 young women while I knew him.  Four years of exposure to these people, talking with them, eating with them, asking questions about them, and watching their behavior and from my little sample I conclude that between 3%-5% of them likely have had sex.  At a time in our lives when our culture - our books and our television shows and our movies tell us we should be at our wildest, that would should be experimenting and trying new things and new people and new relationships, we simply arn't.

We see a movie or a show, we watch half-heartedly as the hero beats the villian and Good triumphs over Evil, and when the credits roll and our systems are still pumping the endorphins and other chemicals of excitation and happiness, we say to ourselves "This is a fake, a sham, and its not real.   But something good and mundane somewhat like this will happen to me" and we leave happy.  And then, if we chance to look ourselves in the mirror too closely some day later we may feel a little doubt and despair that our lives arn't living up to our expectations - that we still have no chance with the Prom Queen/Childhood Friend/Generic Love Interest.  So we wash away our feelings of doubt and remorse with pop songs, and drink more deeply from our cultural well of happy endings and True Loves and Easy Lays.

And the cycle endures.  So long as we don't change our ways, or try to hard, or look ourselves in the mirror to closely we can entertain ourselves with false visions of Could Bes and Maybes and Possiblys.  But our friends arn't so easily convinced, so we channel our Comedy/Romances and study our sitcoms and inspect todays teen idols, and apply what we've learned to our everyday life.  The guys will walk with a swagger and talk down to each other in the presence of women, and compete to look confident and attractive and masculine but not macho, whist they suck in their tummys so that no one sees that they haven't been following their Atkins/South Beach/Fad diet and 5 workout/week plan like they swore to themselves they would.  And while the guys lounge around while women walk past, swinging their hips to and fro in brightly colored short shorts that follow their thighs like second skins, breasts jiggling are Lifted and Separated by bras a cup size too big, chemical masks on their faces reflecting more colors than the rainbow can hold.

And when we are done for the day, and we leave the classroom or the bar or the workplace or the club for the last time, we separate and go home our separate ways to our happy movies and peppy underdog television stories - you to yours and I to mine.  Just me, myself, and my right hand.





PS: Anyone responding to this angst ridden rant with vacuous platitudes or anecdotes about their love life turning around or picking up or meeting The One will be biblically pressed to death under a pallet containing printouts/tapes/and magazines of all the smut available to me.  And believe me, when its all assembled upon your sorry broken body, there will be nothing left but a large and slightly chunky red smear.  I HATE platitudes.

[Signe]

Angst suits you and mayl eventually serve you well.  Keep up this sort of lifestyle out of uni and you could be in for a life of fame, fortune, cheap women and liver disease.  It'l keep you edgy and interesting to read. 

Oh... and here's a kitten:

[Ironwood]

Man, that was almost painful to read.  I don't mean emotionial evocative or anything like that, just bloody painful.

My short answer would be who cares, but in deference to the love at F13 I'm just going to comment that, as a UK person, I find the idea that someone would do the college/uni thing and NOT get laid insanity.  It's madness.  What the fuck were you doing ?  Studying ?  Why ?  FFS.

That IS the time to go wild and break out.  I feel sorry if you don't.  At my Uni, it was RIFE and despite being a shy quiet guy on the inside, I loved it.

And if you are honestly benchmarking your life against Hollywood, I suggest suicide.  Seriously.
Never mind finding 'the right one' if you haven't found 'anyone' by this time, you're just not fucking trying.


Oh, and seriously - American TV & Film gives the wrong impression of sex.  As an overseas viewer, I know that Americans all have sex with a full set of underwear on and that they are so mucky that they must instantly shower afterwards.  Always.  And sometimes before.

This should be in Useless news...

[Fargull]

Waiter or Bartender

Both = Pussy

Wow.. I can not imagine going through college and not getting laid.  May karma turn around for you.

[Signe]

Don't worry, Daydreamer. Everyone says they got laid at uni....

(geez, you guys are SO mean!)

[Evangolis]

Daydreamer, your college experience was very different from mine.  Granted, I was pre-AIDS, post-Summer of Love, and I hung out with druggies and loons, becauswe I was a druggie and a loon, but there was a lot of sex going on, even among the less druggy and loony.

Mind you, none of us, (well, except for Shawna, who lived in my closet [it was a BIG closet] for a term) looked like movie stars.

[CmdrSlack]

Obviously, if you overthink it, you will never get laid. 

Instead of researching and posting a lament for the death of your cock, perhaps you should have been out partying and having fun....

[Ironwood]

Winnar.

[Signe]

I think he's just looking in the wrong places.  English Lit and Sociology majors are very nearly a sure thing and Liberal Art students will fuck anything.  That's why they call it Liberal Arts!

Anyway, Daydreamer, because of your hatred of platitudes, here is a Platypus on a keychain.

[MrHat]

Here's to unreal expecations of love and romance in modern day media turning us all into sociopaths.

This bud's for you:

[Merusk]

Those who never try, often lament that they never succeeded. 

 I'm with Ironwood, I got laid in college as much as I needed/ wanted to.  See, the thing is you have to go out and talk to people for it to happen.  An object of sexual desire doesn't just land on your doorstep, tied-up and waiting to be used unless it's on Mastercard.

You lament, bitch, piss an moan about it on a web board instead of going out and asking a girl home, yeah you're going to discover you're not getting laid very much. 

[Strazos]

Wow, teh #hate is strong in this thread.

But anyway, I feel your pain so much that it is almost creepy. I do know 2 guys who get vast amounts of "action," but it's not with people from my school. I go to a decent-sized school, but I don't know where any of these people are who are going "crazy and experimenting."

I'll admit, I've personally gotten jack and shit from anyone at my school in the 4 years I've been attending there.

So, I'll leave you with one word of advice: Amsterdam. 

But in all seriousness....you've all heard my shit about my school before, so I won't repeat myself. Just keep in mind that YMMV, since I'm a commuter to my school, rather than a resident (I've been told by people from other schools that this is a huge hinderance). And I still have 1 semester left..and I go to school with people from NJ...joy...

[Shockeye]

I got action in school. I don't think you know her, she's in Canada.

[CmdrSlack]

Wow, teh #hate is strong in this thread.

But anyway, I feel your pain so much that it is almost creepy. I do know 2 guys who get vast amounts of "action," but it's not with people from my school. I go to a decent-sized school, but I don't know where any of these people are who are going "crazy and experimenting."

I'll admit, I've personally gotten jack and shit from anyone at my school in the 4 years I've been attending there.

So, I'll leave you with one word of advice: Amsterdam. 

But in all seriousness....you've all heard my shit about ym school before, so I won't repeat myself. Just keep in mind that YMMV, since I'm a commuter to my school, rather than a resident (I've been told by people from other schools that this is a huge hinderance). And I still have 1 semester left....joy...

I lived on campus freshman year, then moved to apartments and the like for my next 3 years.  I dunno if being on campus helped, but I sure did know a ton of people after freshman year.  Yeah, ok, it helped, now that I think about my living arrangement for sophomore and junior years....

[Merusk]

Being a commuter only hurts you if you never hang around on-campus after classes.  If you make friends with folks and meet them regularly outside of class you will have a great time.

If have a schedule that demands you go from class to class to class then drive off to your job, and you never go to any parties, yeah you're not going to meet anyone and college will be a miserable, miserable experience.

Not having fun in college is only to blame on yourself.   Sure, there's the driven Type-A personalities who dual major and rush through college in 3 1/2 years like it's a job who think college is an impedement to 'the rest of their life.'  Chances are, though, since you're reading this board, this ain't you. 

[angry.bob]

English Lit and Sociology majors are very nearly a sure thing and Liberal Art students will fuck anything. 

This is the truest thing ever posted on a message board. Also, sharing a house or an apartment with a person of the opposite sex is a guaranteed fuck eventually. It may take a while, but eventually a "sexual tension reliever" or "curiosity" fuck always happens. Always, even if they're in a relationship. The one exception is if you're a tool.

[AcidCat]

And if you are honestly benchmarking your life against Hollywood, I suggest suicide. 

No shit. I guess TV and movies should show nothing but documentaries? This shit is fiction, I thought that was understood. Whatever lead you to believe that fictional media was supposed to show life as it actually is? How boring would that be?

Aside from that, I also didn't get much action in college ... after I dropped out was a different story though. My wife and I, newly married, were kind of frisky, seems like everyone we met wanted to fuck ... threesomes, foursomes were the norm.

Ah, those were the days. Having kids tends to put a damper on that kind of thing. :(

[Strazos]

Being a commuter only hurts you if you never hang around on-campus after classes.  If you make friends with folks and meet them regularly outside of class you will have a great time.

If have a schedule that demands you go from class to class to class then drive off to your job, and you never go to any parties, yeah you're not going to meet anyone and college will be a miserable, miserable experience.

Not having fun in college is only to blame on yourself.   Sure, there's the driven Type-A personalities who dual major and rush through college in 3 1/2 years like it's a job who think college is an impedement to 'the rest of their life.'  Chances are, though, since you're reading this board, this ain't you. 

I go to my classes, and maybe work during my breaks at my office, then I go the fuck home, because I've usually been on campus for more hours than I would like. Then I don't go to parties, because that requires going back to campus, ugh.

Also, my aversion to beer (and heavy drinking in general) and small talk don't help much either. Being a history major helps even less. Being a geek makes it the Ultimate Evil Trifecta.

Chicks from outside of NJ are...easier.

[CmdrSlack]

I go to my classes, and maybe work during my breaks at my office, then I go the fuck home, because I've usually been on campus for more hours than I would like. Then I don't go to parties, because that requires going back to campus, ugh.

Also, my aversion to beer (and heavy drinking in general) and small talk don't help much either. Being a history major helps even less. Being a geek makes it the Ultimate Evil Trifecta.

Oh man, you have to spend time on campus.  Not doing so is a bad idea.  Yeah, campus sucks compared to off-campus, but part of the fun of going to shit on campus is to talk shit about how bad campus sucks.  Then you invite the girl you've been chatting up over to your place that is off, yet near campus....

This has been proven to work.  Eventually.

And if it doesn't, well, you now know another girl who has friends you can meet.  Sometimes the Mike Damone theory actually applies in that situation.  /fasttimes reference

EDIT -- had to add qualifiers

[Rasix]

PS: Anyone responding to this angst ridden rant with vacuous platitudes or anecdotes about their love life turning around or picking up or meeting The One will be biblically pressed to death under a pallet containing printouts/tapes/and magazines of all the smut available to me.  And believe me, when its all assembled upon your sorry broken body, there will be nothing left but a large and slightly chunky red smear.  I HATE platitudes.

Damn, I had a really good anecdote too. 

[Strazos]

Oh man, you have to spend time on campus.  Not doing so is a bad idea.  Yeah, campus sucks compared to off-campus, but part of the fun of going to shit on campus is to talk shit about how bad campus sucks.  Then you would consider inviting the girl back to somewhere, if you weren't still living at home, because it's free.

Bolded correction mine.

Also, if you paid me to just think of something I could do, that I would actually want to do, on campus outside of class, I wouldn't make any money.

[Xanthippe]

Just two things I want to say here. PLATITUDES.  You're welcome.

People can sense desperation and nothing, not anything, is less of an aphrodisiac than desperation.  Not even being a "really nice guy" although that's a close second.

And for some odd reason, it never rains but it pours.  Once you have one girlfriend, suddenly women see how attractive you are.  I don't know the reason for this but it is sure as, er, rain.

On the plus side, you don't have to worry about stds.  Or complications in your life.

[Why in the world are your parents talking about grandchildren?  You're only 21.]

[schild]

I think I've figured out the unspoken details.

Get rid of your requirements in women if you're looking to get laid. Fat chicks need lovin too. Double baggers do as well. Also, butterfaces. Basically, I'm pretty sure that's its not that you want sex. You want the sex you see people around you getting, which doesn't seem to be working out.

[Strazos]

I think I've figured out the unspoken details.

Get rid of your requirements in women if you're looking to get laid. Fat chicks need lovin too. Double baggers do as well. Also, butterfaces. Basically, I'm pretty sure that's its not that you want sex. You want the sex you see people around you getting, which doesn't seem to be working out.

Butterfaces I can deal with, but the rest? Sorry, that sounds like a step down from his hand if you ask me. Though fat is a realitive thing. It doesn't take much to be "fat" to me. Out of my weightclass = no go.

[schild]

It's all about proportion.

[Strazos]

not anything, is less of an aphrodisiac than desperation.  Not even being a "really nice guy" although that's a close second.

Oops, totally forgot about that one, somehow.

Is there such a thing as a Quadfecta?

[stray]

An object of sexual desire doesn't just land on your doorstep, tied-up and waiting to be used unless it's on Mastercard.

I think that may be one of the particular problems of the younger generation in general (i.e whatever comes after "X"). Everything is "instant" to them. From dot com boom era "instant success" to chapter skipping DVD's.

Everything is instant. Except sex. And people.

Then again, that's been cheapened and simplified too. If you're willing to sell yourself out a bit, sign up on an Internet dating site. That's pretty much sex on queue.

[schild]

And for some odd reason, it never rains but it pours.  Once you have one girlfriend, suddenly women see how attractive you are.  I don't know the reason for this but it is sure as, er, rain.

This is true. This is how you end up with 2 women in 24 hours, neither of whom you particularly care about.

I've gone through a pretty long dry spell here - but I'll admit that I don't particularly give a shit. I have neither the time nor patience for your average woman right now.

[SuperPopTart]

A. What's a butterface please.

B. Where the hell is your confidence Daydreamer? Did you lose it in some virtual backseat somewhere along with common sense? I am not saying this to be mean I am saying this to be honest. Every man I know that has been successful with women (and I know a lot of them considering most of my friends ARE male) has had one thing going for them: confidence.

If you breathe and walk upright convinced of your own self worth women find that unbelievably attractive. The one thing we don't do well is deal with men that pity themselves for their lack of a social life. A great smile never hurts either.

Hollywood quite often writes high school in the way that pervy little directors that used to be no-confidence weenies write it as they see it should have been for them. It isn't real life. Get yourself out from under your rock and talk to someone. Preferably female.


Kisses!

[schild]

Then again, that's been cheapened and simplified too. If you're willing to sell yourself out a bit, sign up on an Internet dating site. That's pretty much sex on queue.

It's not. I actually made a concerted effort to see what it was like for an article I almost did a few years back. It's only sex on queue if you're willing to drop all requirements on women and enjoy a buffet of disease. Because really, internet dating sites that are set up for one thing - dating and sex (see: lavalife, match, etc) are as skeezy as skeezy gets. AFAIK, eHarmony is the only place that you won't be trolling for crabs.

Edit: SPT, butterface.

I'd fuck her, butterface. Say it out loud.

[Shockeye]

Butterface - smokin' hot body, face that'll scare small children.

[DarkDryad]

I think I've figured out the unspoken details.

Get rid of your requirements in women if you're looking to get laid. Fat chicks need lovin too. Double baggers do as well. Also, butterfaces. Basically, I'm pretty sure that's its not that you want sex. You want the sex you see people around you getting, which doesn't seem to be working out.

We have a winnar! Remember Fat chicks are like mopeds. Fun to ride you just dont tell your friends. :D

[SuperPopTart]

I think I've figured out the unspoken details.

Get rid of your requirements in women if you're looking to get laid. Fat chicks need lovin too. Double baggers do as well. Also, butterfaces. Basically, I'm pretty sure that's its not that you want sex. You want the sex you see people around you getting, which doesn't seem to be working out.

We have a winnar! Remember Fat chicks are like mopeds. Fun to ride you just dont tell your friends. :D

Don't you have a rock to crawl back under?


Editing...

I have never before today heard the term butterface, but now that I have I am a happy girl.

[Strazos]

A. What's a butterface please.

B. Where the hell is your confidence Daydreamer?

A. Already answered.

B. I'm assuming it died in high school. I sure as hell know mine did, probably.

Though for me, "lack of confidence" is often confused with "lack of aggression."

[WayAbvPar]

Ladies, this is what happens when you don't give it up enough. Just think, a couple  minutes of akward fumbling and this whole rant could have been avoided.