Episode 3

[AOFanboi]

Wonka is the lesser of most remake evils.

Argh! It's not a remake of the musical version, it's a new interpretation of the book! Get with the program already. It's like saying Gibson's "Passion" is a remake of "Jesus Christ Superstar".

[schild]

No shit sherlock, go read my last posts about Wonka. It's still looked at as a remake by the media though, so unfortuntely, I'll call it as such.

[Shockeye]

Ok, schild's raging man crush on Depp and his newfound love of DDR does not sit well with me.

I am afraid.

Someone hold me.

[Paelos]

Ok, schild's raging man crush on Depp and his newfound love of DDR does not sit well with me.

I am afraid.

Someone hold me.

Schild will, if you give him a Wonka Bar.

[Shockeye]

Ok, schild's raging man crush on Depp and his newfound love of DDR does not sit well with me.

I am afraid.

Someone hold me.

Schild will, if you give him a Wonka Bar.

Bad touch.

[Miguel]

I like Depp, but this remake just scares me.

I mean, haven't enough of my fond childhood memories been torn from my head already?

Unless the new Wonka is filled with cheesy midgets in bad makeup and snooty British people, you can have it.  I mean, if Gene Wilder thinks it's gay, doesn't that tell us everything we need to know?  :-D

God, I can see it already: Burton's Willy Wonka (directed by George Lucas)

<queue opening scene: camera zooms in on a dark, foreboding castle, complete with flashes of lightning, flying bats, and haunting music>
Depp, dressed in drag and with a face painted like a mime, enters the room to stir a bubbling cauldron.

Depp: Toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Depp: Perhaps I should have a contest, to see who should become my next tasty chocolate treat?
Depp: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Depp: I know! I'll put special tickets in with my chocolate.  They'll be Blood Red Tickets!

<cut to scene of young Charlie Bucket, played by a now too old Haley Joel Osment>

Osment: I'm so hungry! I see dead people eating chocolates!

<enter in Grandpa Joe, played by a heavily sedated Jim Carey>

Carey: RRREEEAAALLLLYYYYYYY!!! Here's some money I have saved away, go buy a chocolate bar!

<Carey contorts face in the same manner as his old Fire Marshall Bill skit on 'In Living Color'>

<Cut to scene from castle (I mean chocolate factory), showing the cholocate packaging room>
<George Lucas's Industrial Light and Magic is brought in to consult, meaning the factory is populated only with CGI animated undead Oompa Loompas>

Depp: Who has come forth to my castl...I mean factory to redeem their Blood Red Tickets?
Osment: Me sir! I have a Blood Red Ticket! Can I get in?
Depp: Of course not! You're too small to make candies from!
Carey: <makes another face>
Osment: But I ever so want a tour!
Depp: Fine you little brat, go inside with your Grandpa, and await me!

<Contestants enter the black building>

Depp: Actually, you were all brought here to be my next tasty treat!
Depp: You will all be made into a new candy, called "Mitoclorian Munchies"!!!!
Depp: MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

<Charlie Bucket tips over a steaming cauldron of black liquid, setting the factory on fire>

<As Depp dies, he screams>:

Depp: BUT YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!

<Cut to scene of everyone standing at the firey gates of Hell, which is modeled as a doctors waiting room>
<Enter in Michael Keaton, with a shrunken head>

Keaton: So, what number are you guys? Yuk yuk yuk.....

<El Fin>

---------------------------

Is anyone else feeling ill yet?

[WindupAtheist]

Depp: BUT YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!

LOL!   :-D

[AOFanboi]

I wish, at some point when Lucas has gone away, that someone makes a "non-director's cut" of the prequel trilogy, cutting it down to the ONE good film Lucas padded out to three. Half of it will end up being from the third, since that is the one with the least fluff.

(Or even do a remake of the core story, except there probably already is a samurai movie he lifted it from which presents the story better.)

[schild]

It's called Hidden Fortress.

[AOFanboi]

It's called Hidden Fortress.

No, elements of Episode 4 were lifted from that (I've seen it). There is no prequel-like  "samurai turning to the ninja" theme in HF. :)

[Llava]

"Rose...bud."

"It's his sled that he had as a kid.  There, I just saved you two long, boobless hours."

[schild]

It's called Hidden Fortress.

No, elements of Episode 4 were lifted from that (I've seen it). There is no prequel-like  "samurai turning to the ninja" theme in HF. :)

OOooooooooooh I see what you're saying. No, there's no Kurosawa flick like that. And thank god. It'd probably have bad dialogue.

[Murgos]

I've seen hidden fortress, there isn't really that much lifted from it.  Actually you REALLY have to stretch to get any significant comparison from it.

[AOFanboi]

C-3PO and R2D2 can be thought of as modeled on the two bumbling and half-criminal sidekicks; they pass a burning fortress, maybe that inspired the "burning moisture farm" scene. That's all I can think of at least, but I haven't seen HF in ages though.

[schild]

Yes, I'm trolling.

[Ironwood]

So finally watched the film at the 6:20 showing in Glasgow.



Poopsock.


Totally.



UNLIMITED POWER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[WindupAtheist]

Natalie Portman pisses me off.  She couldn't even get choked convincingly.  I mean when Vader would slap the ch0x0r on an Imperial officer in the old movies, the guy would look confused, cough, tug at his collar, and so forth.  Portman just put both hands on her neck like she was trying to let people know she had a brussel sprout stuck in her throat.

[Bunk]

Yes, I'm trolling.

I don't care what the premise is, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Tom Arnold should not ever appear in the same movie. Ever.

[Merusk]

Yes, I'm trolling.

I don't care what the premise is, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Tom Arnold should not ever appear in the same movie. Ever.

What if it's a Tom Arnold snuff film with her as the killer.

[Samprimary]

Heh.  Stop ruining our fucking fun.

Next you'll be telling me that any science sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic.

 

Don't be silly. Elves can't use sufficiently advanced science.

[AOFanboi]

Don't be silly. Elves can't use sufficiently advanced science.

But only because cold iron hurts them.

Man, I wish some game would implement Terry Pratchett's utterly EVIL elves instead of the sissy-hippie crap that has grown from Tolkien's works.

[HaemishM]

Yes, I'm trolling.

To quote you about the Oscars:

It's like being beaten about the head with bad taste.

[WindupAtheist]

sb.exe

Edit:  Random note going back to earlier in the thread.  Apparently there was a scene cut from Episode 2 where the Jedi in the arena destroy the droid control device ala Episode 1, only to discover that the flaw was corrected and the droids keep fighting.

[HaemishM]

sb.exe

RAGE COCKSNIFFING CUNTWEASELS

[Shockeye]

Stop poking the caged animals.

[Evil Elvis]

Edit:  Random note going back to earlier in the thread.  Apparently there was a scene cut from Episode 2 where the Jedi in the arena destroy the droid control device ala Episode 1, only to discover that the flaw was corrected and the droids keep fighting.

A "flaw?"  What use is a droid control ship other than controlling the droids?  Who writes this shit? 

Oh, yeah...

[HaemishM]

The same man who had missles fired at starfighters that exploded, showering the starfighter with BUZZ DROIDS that apparently drilled into the starfighters in order to remove their controls. I mean, instead of, you know, JUST COVERING THE STARFIGHTER WITH EXPLOSIVES AND BLOWING IT THE FUCK UP.

Then these impotent little buzz droids crawl all over the ships buzzing, and the JEDI inside the cockpit doesn't even think to use his JEDI MIND POWERS TO PUSH THE LITTLE FUCKERS OFF. I just... the mind fucking wobbles.

[WindupAtheist]

A "flaw?"  What use is a droid control ship other than controlling the droids?

Nothing.  But it might be nice for the droids to continue functioning, even in the event it gets blown to shit.

The same man who had missles fired at starfighters that exploded, showering the starfighter with BUZZ DROIDS that apparently drilled into the starfighters in order to remove their controls. I mean, instead of, you know, JUST COVERING THE STARFIGHTER WITH EXPLOSIVES AND BLOWING IT THE FUCK UP.

The Jedi and clones flew two very different types of fighters.  The clone fighters were blown up immediately, while droids were launched at the Jedi, presumably to take them alive.  A soon-to-be-moot consideration, but it's not as if the Separatists knew about Order 66.

Then these impotent little buzz droids crawl all over the ships buzzing, and the JEDI inside the cockpit doesn't even think to use his JEDI MIND POWERS TO PUSH THE LITTLE FUCKERS OFF. I just... the mind fucking wobbles.

Point.

[Murgos]

Jedi mind powers are apparently ineffective through plexiglass.

[Viin]

Jedi mind powers are apparently ineffective through plexiglass.

Oooh, time to find some plexiglass armor in KoToR2!

[Llava]

I was just going to say that Jedi mind powers don't work in space.  Like screaming.

[schild]

I was just going to say that Jedi mind powers don't work in space.  Like screaming.

Heh. Star Wars. Space. Jedi mind powers don't work.

That's a good one.

[Llava]

I was just going to say that Jedi mind powers don't work in space.  Like screaming.

Heh. Star Wars. Space. Jedi mind powers don't work.

That's a good one.

Thank you.

Man, that would be such a nerf to Jedis.

[WindupAtheist]

What annoys me are geniuses who spot "inconsistencies" based on the assumption that episodes 3 and 4 took place maybe a week apart.  You know what I mean.

"OMG WHY DIDNT VADER RECOGNIZE C3PO IN THE CARBON FREEZING ROOM?!"
"HEY WHY DIDNT OBI-WAN RECOGNIZE R2D2???"

Because it's been two fucking decades since they were last seen?  Because droids identical to those are a commonplace sight?  How accurately do YOU recall... say... the stereo your buddy owned in 1985?

[Llava]

Still, though.  Vader BUILT C3PO.  Seems like he should've thought about it.  How accurately would you recall a stereo that you built by hand in 1985?