Conan The Barbarian 3D

[lamaros]

And people gave me shit for complaining about Game of Thrones.

Conan ffs.

[Margalis]

Most Conan stories have a slow build-up and an air of mystery around them.  I realize these are just trailers and it's hard to judge pacing, but from what I've seen they seem to lack any sense of subtlety or anything other than generic action.

Yeah the tone here is completely wrong. I'm not a stickler for staying exactly true to the source material, to me it's more important to capture the spirit - which this does not do at all. The original Arnold movie was actually very good in that regard. This is just some kid being a bad-ass and doing kung-fu and shit. It just needs a nu-metal soundtrack. (Or did it have one? I forget) It's also kind of cute overall and that is one thing Conan definitely should not be.

Nothing about this said Conan to me. If you took out some of the proper names I don't think I could ever guess this is a Conan movie.

[DraconianOne]

I'm not a stickler for staying exactly true to the source material,

You're telling me - you were a moment ago complaining that nobody speaks like that in real life. Yes - this is a Conan film. They speak like they do in Howard's stories. Hell - some of the dialogue in the second trailer is lifted straight from "Frost Giant's Daughter".

As for the spirit or being cute? What do you mean? Because they showed a young Conan slaughtering all comers? How is that in anyway not in keeping with Howard's stuff - he regularly made reference to Conan's childhood.

"Did you deem yourself strong, because you were able to twist the heads off civilized folk, poor weaklings with muscles like rotten string? Hell! Break the neck of a wild Cimmerian bull before you call yourself strong. I did that, before I was a full-grown man...!"

"I was one of the horde that swarmed over the hills. I hadn't yet seen fifteen snows, but already my name was repeated about the council fires."

Fuck - the way you guys are talking it's as if Howard was the 20th century equivalent of Shakespeare or something, not the guy who wrote

"There is life beyond death, I know, and I know this, too, Conan of Cimmeria"--she rose lithely to her knees and caught him in a pantherish embrace--"my love is stronger than any death! I have lain in your arms, panting with the violence of our love; you have held and crushed and conquered me, drawing my soul to your lips with the fierceness of your bruising kisses. My heart is welded to your heart, my soul is part of your soul! Were I still in death and you fighting for life, I would come back to the abyss to aid you--aye, whether my spirit floated with the purple sails on the crystal sea of paradise, or writhed in the molten flames of hell! I am yours, and all the gods and all their eternities shall not sever us!"

[HaemishM]

You people are sometimes entirely too hard to please. I liked it just fine.

Have you ever read any of the Robert E. Howard stuff?

Nope. Still liked it.

[Velorath]

As for the spirit or being cute? What do you mean? Because they showed a young Conan slaughtering all comers? How is that in anyway not in keeping with Howard's stuff - he regularly made reference to Conan's childhood.

"Did you deem yourself strong, because you were able to twist the heads off civilized folk, poor weaklings with muscles like rotten string? Hell! Break the neck of a wild Cimmerian bull before you call yourself strong. I did that, before I was a full-grown man...!"

"With an egg in my mouth!"

[Margalis]

You're telling me - you were a moment ago complaining that nobody speaks like that in real life. Yes - this is a Conan film. They speak like they do in Howard's stories. Hell - some of the dialogue in the second trailer is lifted straight from "Frost Giant's Daughter".

As for the spirit or being cute? What do you mean? Because they showed a young Conan slaughtering all comers? How is that in anyway not in keeping with Howard's stuff - he regularly made reference to Conan's childhood.

There is a difference between tone and content.

What I mean by "cute" is that you see little runty Conan show up late to the party, it looks like he isn't going to go with the other older kids and is grateful for the opportunity, and 2 minutes later he's spitting the egg carrying some heads and proving he's a badass. It's like a full character arc packed down to a half-minute cliche. (Local boy does good!) The construction is cute. You can see the exact second the look on his face goes from normal kid to super badass.

I was actually going to write earlier that even if the dialogue and scenes came directly from a Conan story it could still be wrong tonally. If you are going to go with Conan being a badass from birth ok, but I don't need him to go from runt of the litter to badass complete with the physical equivalent of a parting one-liner in the span of a couple minutes.

I don't see what Howard's quality of writing has to do with anything. If you are going to make a Conan movie make a Conan movie, not Ong Bak 4. This is true whether Howard was a great or terrible writer.

If you replace "Conan" and "Cimmeria" what about this says Conan?

Watching more trailers it looks basically like Hercules, Xena, Sinbad or any of those serialized pulp shows that were popular for a while.

[Xuri]

"the barbarian"?

[Aez]

You're telling me - you were a moment ago complaining that nobody speaks like that in real life. Yes - this is a Conan film. They speak like they do in Howard's stories. Hell - some of the dialogue in the second trailer is lifted straight from "Frost Giant's Daughter".

As for the spirit or being cute? What do you mean? Because they showed a young Conan slaughtering all comers? How is that in anyway not in keeping with Howard's stuff - he regularly made reference to Conan's childhood.

There is a difference between tone and content.

What I mean by "cute" is that you see little runty Conan show up late to the party, it looks like he isn't going to go with the other older kids and is grateful for the opportunity, and 2 minutes later he's spitting the egg carrying some heads and proving he's a badass. It's like a full character arc packed down to a half-minute cliche. (Local boy does good!) The construction is cute. You can see the exact second the look on his face goes from normal kid to super badass.

I was actually going to write earlier that even if the dialogue and scenes came directly from a Conan story it could still be wrong tonally. If you are going to go with Conan being a badass from birth ok, but I don't need him to go from runt of the litter to badass complete with the physical equivalent of a parting one-liner in the span of a couple minutes.

I don't see what Howard's quality of writing has to do with anything. If you are going to make a Conan movie make a Conan movie, not Ong Bak 4. This is true whether Howard was a great or terrible writer.

If you replace "Conan" and "Cimmeria" what about this says Conan?

Watching more trailers it looks basically like Hercules, Xena, Sinbad or any of those serialized pulp shows that were popular for a while.

Just watched the trailer and I didn't get the same vibe.  He seems instantly bad ass.  He doesn't hesitate when he saw the enemies.  With your take on it I was expecting a cute little boy to start a blood lust after his village is destroyed.  To me it was more : shy and disorganized but fearless and talented.  Like Naruto?

[Lakov_Sanite]

The impression I get from all the commercials? He talks too much.

[SurfD]

Sooo yeah.  Conan.  Yeah.  Fucking TERRIBLE movie.  And I say this as someone who is capable of watching just about anything on the big screen and finding some redeeming quality to it.  Hell, even a fair shake of gratuitous tits in the middle of the movie couldnt even begin to scratch the surface of attempting to redeem it.  Terrible acting, terrible editing, boring plot.  Even the tiny bit of sorcery we get (pretty much an extended version of the pale dudes scene from the trailer) was weak.

Sadly, the kid they get to play 10 or 12 year old Conan did a better job of looking like a badass in his one limited fight scene then the guy playing conan did for the entire rest of the movie.  And a little something in me died during the fight with the giant snake / tentacle monster thing when Conan didnt even kill the fuckin thing at the end, but just ran off to chase after the entirely uninteresting evil villian character.

My opinion: Go see fucking spykids.  Even if it sucks, it is probably better then Conan.

And oh yeah, the 3d is completely fucking forgettable.  There were large chunks of the movie where I could have taken my 3d glasses off and not even noticed.

[Arthur_Parker]

Pity, seen this?

Terry Pratchett's Troll Bridge

[Sir T]

Fuck - the way you guys are talking it's as if Howard was the 20th century equivalent of Shakespeare or something, not the guy who wrote

"There is life beyond death, I know, and I know this, too, Conan of Cimmeria"--she rose lithely to her knees and caught him in a pantherish embrace--"my love is stronger than any death! I have lain in your arms, panting with the violence of our love; you have held and crushed and conquered me, drawing my soul to your lips with the fierceness of your bruising kisses. My heart is welded to your heart, my soul is part of your soul! Were I still in death and you fighting for life, I would come back to the abyss to aid you--aye, whether my spirit floated with the purple sails on the crystal sea of paradise, or writhed in the molten flames of hell! I am yours, and all the gods and all their eternities shall not sever us!"

Was the next line "Uh, ok. So, I pay the guy at the door then?" 

[Threash]

Just go to youtube and watch the khal drogo scenes from game of thrones instead of watching this piece of shit movie.

[SurfD]

Just go to youtube and watch the khal drogo scenes from game of thrones instead of watching this piece of shit movie.

Yeah, I had to wonder about that.  The guy who plays Conan also plays Drogo, and supposedly his scenes in GoT were pretty good.  Maybe he shot Conan before the acting lessons payed off.

[Speedy Cerviche]

terrible movie

[DraconianOne]

"What's it like when your movie flops?" One of the credited writers of Conan talks about it's failure at the box office.

[stu]

In the words of Ed Wood, “My next one will be BETTER!”

or... "This'll be the one they remember me for!"

This guy's lame. I like how he tries to tactfully throw the other writers under the bus half-way through.

Douchey Writer: "I'm just a script doctor! Weren't my fault!"

[Comstar]

The directing was bad, the script was bad, the acting was bad, the special effects were bad, the plot was bad, the fighting was bad, the art backgrounds were bad. Kevin Sorbo was better in Kull.

[Zetleft]

The directing was bad, the script was bad, the acting was bad, the special effects were bad, the plot was bad, the fighting was bad, the art backgrounds were bad. Kevin Sorbo was better in Kull.

  wow worse than Kull

That's pretty sad.

[Draegan]

Kull was awesome.

[schild]

Thread makes me sad, I liked it. It was 122 minutes of utter nonsense and violence while a soundtrack screamed in my ear.

[Merusk]

Kull was awesome.

Except for the really bad-looking demon Tia turns into at the end, I agree.

[angry.bob]

I just wached the BluRay version of this movie and thought it was perfectly fine. The only part I didn't like was Rose McGowan, they needed a much hotter, gothier spooky witch daughter. Like Dakota Fanning with black hair or something. This guy was a way closer match to the comic book Conan of my childhood than Arnold was. Also, nothing like the TV shows except that the main bad guy played King Whatever in the terrible beastmaster TV show.

Anyway, you people are fucking ridiculous. Almost all of you will excuse the most banal, insipid, shit as a good "popcorn movie" regardless of its subject and tone, but you get all fucking picky about a Conan movie? If you've ever used the words "popcorn movie" or "turned my brain off" in a thread here you need to take a long, hard suck on the unwashed cock of reality.

[Evildrider]

I finally saw this and I thought it was decent.  I mean it wasn't any worse or better than the original, but it was still worth the time to watch.

[Sand]

Guess I will have to watch it then.

[calapine]

I finally saw this and I thought it was decent.  I mean it wasn't any worse or better than the original, but it was still worth the time to watch.

umm, of course this was worse. The original Conan film was all kinds of special, this one isn't

[stu]

If they had the balls to make it R-rated, you'd think they'd make sure it was an awesome Conan movie. Instead, it's passable, but not enough to get a buzz going on the walk out. The thing with the nose that happened near the beginning made me squeal and Ron Perlman went out like a champ. The movie was way more violent than I expected, so that's cool.

There were a few landscape shots in the movie that were straight-up gorgeous.

There was too much going on for the sub-2 hr. run time. A few setting shifts were abrupt and I forgot what was going on. The supporting characters were too flat.

There was more T&A than I could have hoped for.

[Sand]

Watched it tonight on PPV.
   Dear God what a horrible movie. I almost turned it off in the first five minutes when Ron cut Conan out of his mother's belly with a dagger.
The acting, it was bad.

[SurfD]

I still maintain that pretty much the best scene in the whole movie is the Fight scene at the beginning with Young Conan vs the guys in the woods.  If the rest of the movie had been that good, it would have been fine.

[MahrinSkel]

I still maintain that pretty much the best scene in the whole movie is the Fight scene at the beginning with Young Conan vs the guys in the woods.  If the rest of the movie had been that good, it would have been fine.

After that, Conan started talking.  Coincidence?

--Dave

[Ghambit]

Good sword&sorcery is such a subtle thing, especially done with Conan flare;  there was almost zero chance this movie would get it right.  They didnt get it right, but it was still a decent movie I thought.  They nailed a few scenes, but failed in the transitions...  something that Arnold's Conan excelled at to the point you actually looked forward to the filler.

Also, my original comment about the filming medium after watching the trailer still applies after watching the movie.  It was just simply too clean to pick up all the imperfections necessary to make Hyboria pop, which is impossible w/o a ridiculous budget.  This is why many people compare it to Xena, Kull, or some such Syfy crap.  You cant hide behind high-def/3D as it makes all the imperfections too perfect.

If they'd filtered it (sticking to digital) similar to 300, Immortals, Watchmen, etc. I think the reviews would be a bit more appealing, even with the shitty Howard dialog.  And further, if they'd used a more old-school analog medium I think it would've been better.  Occasionally you see directors going this route to pull off a particular effect...  they'll search forever looking for the camera they need.

This Conan just looks too much like someone made it with a WalMart high-def Sony.

[Sheepherder]

Just saw this on a movie channel.  Not good.  Badly directed and terribly written.  The acting is shit too, but I don't know as I can blame them.  Lots of tits and gore though.

One of the Villain's Longest Dialogues, Paraphrased:

"You killed my poor innocent wife."
"She was an evil witch."
"Fair enough."

[Azazel]

I watched this about a week or two ago. HD version for free. I thought it was fine as forgettable popcorn fare. I didn't need to take a boredom break halfway through. It wasn't a classic like the Arnold version, and I have no need to purchase the Blu-Ray/etc, but I don't regret having seen it.

[Ratman_tf]

I loaded this up on netflix last night. I didn't even make it to Mamoa Coanan. They were in the smithy, and kid Conan had attacked the guys looking for the piece of the mask. My brother asked me to turn it down because he was going to bed, so I just turned it off and haven't had the desire to start it up again.

A movie about Conan can be many things, but one thing it really shouldn't be is boring.

[SurfD]

Sadly, Kid Conan did a better job of kicking ass and looking like a badass in his single fight scene at the beginning of the movei then Adult Conan did for the entire rest of the film.