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Author Topic: Internet Dating: Everyone's still shallow  (Read 108312 times)
Phildo
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Reply #1365 on: September 07, 2018, 09:54:56 AM

But how can you move on from yourself, man?
Paelos
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Reply #1366 on: September 07, 2018, 10:26:04 AM

I might be, but you need to be more specific!

I think what has happened to me over the years is I have built up an intolerance to someone who is unwilling or incapable of taking care of themselves, not making any kind of real effort.  My ex's laziness with her appearance (and that's exactly what it was) carried over into 80% of everything else she did.  I am attracted to people who make the effort, and I won't apologize for that.

Edited to add:  Achieving perfection is not what I am talking about.  I am far from that myself.  I spend a lot of time at the gym, and I see women who are far from perfect, but trying their best anyway.  That's a super turn on for me.

That's fine, you'll be judged as being a dick by several people, but I get it. That's a hard thing to resolve when somebody is a fitness oriented person and the other partner isn't. Cuts both ways.

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Cyrrex
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Reply #1367 on: September 07, 2018, 10:36:09 AM

Yeah, it totally does cut both ways.

Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
schild
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Reply #1368 on: September 07, 2018, 10:56:26 AM

fitness-oriented : vanity
body acceptance : fat
Samwise
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Reply #1369 on: September 07, 2018, 12:44:54 PM

She asked me out. On our first date, which lasted an afternoon and a night, she told me about the imminent trial of the ex who raped her. She said she might not be ready for a relationship.

After my last horribly toxic relationship (which started and ended much as the one you describe did) and doing some reading on personality disorders I've concluded that if someone opens up a relationship with a show of vulnerability (especially if they say something like "I've never told anybody this"), it's a giant red flag of bad crazy.  The best case scenario is that they're well-meaning but going through a horrible crisis and they just happened to latch onto you when they should be seeing a therapist.  More likely, this is a well-practiced manipulation tactic they do to ensnare a new victim.  Either way, GTFO.

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Reply #1370 on: September 07, 2018, 01:39:47 PM

Because it was at this point I realised she constantly manipulates people. It's her thing.

There are some people who just get off on watching the people around them in conflict. They are so insecure about their own shit, they have to stir up drama with the others around them just to make themselves feel better about their lack of ability to have normal relationships. My brother-in-law's ex-wife and baby momma was one of these. She would talk all kinds of shit and stir up all kinds of things just to get people to fight her, her husband (my BIL) and everyone around them. It was a nightmare and even after he finally ditched that crazy bitch, my wife's relationship with her brother has never been the same.

Some motherfuckers just crazy.

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Reply #1371 on: September 08, 2018, 09:41:07 AM

She asked me out. On our first date, which lasted an afternoon and a night, she told me about the imminent trial of the ex who raped her. She said she might not be ready for a relationship.

After my last horribly toxic relationship (which started and ended much as the one you describe did) and doing some reading on personality disorders I've concluded that if someone opens up a relationship with a show of vulnerability (especially if they say something like "I've never told anybody this"), it's a giant red flag of bad crazy.  The best case scenario is that they're well-meaning but going through a horrible crisis and they just happened to latch onto you when they should be seeing a therapist.  More likely, this is a well-practiced manipulation tactic they do to ensnare a new victim.  Either way, GTFO.

This is very smart and very true, don't skim this post anyone who is messing around with online dating.

Nobody sane would trust you with some serious shit right out the gate. I mean I never liked telling people what street I lived on maybe a vague neighborhood or side of the city until I was feeling pretty sure they aren't insane. Anyone who is telling you about their abusive anything, or how they once tried to kill themselves or how they have struggled with xyz on date #1? Fucking. Get. Out. Times a thousand if they are hot.

A nation consists of its laws. A nation does not consist of its situation at a given time. If an individual's morals are situational, then that individual is without morals. If a nation's laws are situational, that nation has no laws, and soon isn't a nation.
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Khaldun
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Reply #1372 on: September 08, 2018, 09:46:36 AM

Basically someone who is doing that on first acquaintance doesn't see you as another human being that they'd like to know or understand; they're showing that they don't really care what you think of them, either. Both of those are bad signs--of insecure neediness, of sociopathy, of any number of things you do not want to be involved with. That's not just dating--if you're talking to a colleague and you've only just gotten to know them and that kind of unloading is going on right away, time to disengage fast.
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Reply #1373 on: September 08, 2018, 11:49:48 AM

True that. Although I thought I'd known her for a year. Many lessons were learned.
« Last Edit: September 08, 2018, 11:54:16 AM by Tale »
Paelos
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Reply #1374 on: September 10, 2018, 10:35:22 AM

There's different levels of vulnerability on first dates. Some are normal and some aren't. Some you get more comfortable with in your 30s than you are in your 20s.

If you're in your 20s and they are throwing out stuff all over the place, that's a bad sign. If you're in your 30s and they mention they've been in the hospital recently due to a medical issue, that's in my mind somebody who is just trying to make sure you understand the current playing field they are on, or what their energy level is like right now.

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Cyrrex
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Reply #1375 on: September 11, 2018, 02:04:22 AM

The ex-girlfriend I mentioned a few pages ago sorta falls into the same generally category.  Early on, just before we actually started anything, she revealed some of her skeletons to me.  I guess I ignored the warning signs in favor of my hormonal urges, but in hindsight all the signs were there.  Not that she is a complete psycho or anything, but she has this general neediness that she is unaware of, a bit of sociopathy, a bit of aspergers, a bit of depression, and a complete dislike for most other human beings.  Combined with an utter love for me.  A messy cocktail.

But that's not what we're here for, am I right friends and neighbors?

Girl Number 1 - the pretty one who sorta blew me off and who I sorta blew off in return - is still communicating with me in her usual spotty manner.  She is clearly interested in me in some regard, because she had every opportunity to just drop it, and I would have been fine with that.  It occurs to me that she may just be interested in a Friends Only type relationship, where she just occasionally wants to chat about something stupid and maybe meet up once in a while for something or other.  And maybe that's okay, I probably need more of these kind of acquaintences in my life anyway.  And so, the pressure is off as far as I am concerned.  I am not pushing anything here.

GN2 is still of the every-two-or-three days kind of communication.  As I said before, she is careful, and probably wants my current living situation to settle.  Of the ones I am actively communicating with, she'd probably be the most suitable for a longer term thing, so taking it slow is fine.

GN3 is a new entry!  So this one is a bit different, to say the least....apparently she is in an open relationship and looking for a side dish.  As far as I can tell, she is just looking for a single, steady side dish, not an ever changing buffet.  Her chief requirements appear to be physical chemistry and sexual attraction.  She is dark skinned, which isn't usually my particular cup of tea, but seems to be pretty good looking.  Now normally I would not entertain something like this, but I will admit to being intrigued.  As several of you have suggested, I am probably not in such a good place to begin making an emotional investment in someone else, so maybe something like this is exactly what I need.  Hmmm.  Anyway, I will chat with her and see if it leads anywhere.

Oh, and sorta humorous update:  The girl who I asked if she was really 2 meters tall and then she disappeared?  Well, her whole profile had disappeared actually, but it has been recreated and she matched with me only now she's blonder than before.  And now her new profile is blocked.  So, she was a scammer or a prostitute, not offended by my question after all.  Okay, it's possible she was still offended.

Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
Paelos
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Reply #1376 on: September 11, 2018, 03:09:05 PM

RE: Side Dish, I'd suggest a mutual testing policy before starting up anything. People got the herp and won't tell you.

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Reply #1377 on: September 12, 2018, 12:53:19 AM

Yeah, it has crossed my mind.  Although, that could also apply to just about anyone.

Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
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Reply #1378 on: September 12, 2018, 02:46:03 AM

GN1 continues to send pics and show a general interest.  I don't know if she is just waiting for me to finally move out of my old place (she asks about it frequently), or what the deal is.  Whatever.  She might be a bit flakey (and forgetful, often asking me questions she's asked already), but I enjoy the banter for the most part.  And she is nice to look at.

GN2 actually prompted me yesterday to call her, and we ended up talking on the phone for about 45 minutes.  I like this one, we seem to be on more or less the same wavelength.  I am starting to think at this point that a meeting with her needs to happen sooner rather than later, if it turns out she is up for it after all.  Will have to chew on this for a minute or two.

GN3 continues to be a possibility for something...something.  I am pretty sure at this point that she is into me from a physical POV (well, as much as one can be from a couple pictures).  I am not convinced yet that I feel the same way in the other direction.  I have only seen one picture of her, and it wasn't totally conclusive.  Will probably have to get a few more before I agree to any kind of meeting.  Her claim is that she is totally new to this open relationship thing, and hasn't actually followed through on it yet (which sounds consistent with all the other facts so far).  There is every chance she could chicken out.  And also, I will drop this more or less immediately if I start pursuing GN2 in earnest.

2 meter tall girl has reappeared yet again.  She is now 5 foot 6 inches, so her height varies.  Hair now a reddish brown color, and she appears to have gained a few pounds.

Tinder has this redonkulous new feature....Top Picks - Featured profiles of the day, picked just for you!  While I can't be quite sure how the algorithm works, it has something to do with taking the absolute hottest looking women within 100 miles and showing them to you.  These women are so out of my league that they would be out of the league of other people who are also out of my league.  But, thanks for eye candy I guess.  So pointless.

Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
Nebu
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Reply #1379 on: September 14, 2018, 08:42:22 AM

Edited.
« Last Edit: September 27, 2018, 11:51:26 AM by Nebu »

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Ironwood
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Reply #1380 on: September 14, 2018, 08:54:44 AM

 Heartbreak

"Mr Soft Owl has Seen Some Shit." - Sun Tzu
Cyrrex
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Reply #1381 on: September 14, 2018, 09:11:08 AM

And it is beyond creepy. Women have some strange idea it makes them cuter, and it never, ever does.

Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
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Reply #1382 on: September 14, 2018, 09:15:47 AM

Not just women.

"Mr Soft Owl has Seen Some Shit." - Sun Tzu
Paelos
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Reply #1383 on: September 14, 2018, 11:53:50 AM


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Reply #1384 on: September 14, 2018, 12:15:24 PM

Not true ones.

"Mr Soft Owl has Seen Some Shit." - Sun Tzu
Cyrrex
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Reply #1385 on: September 19, 2018, 12:25:29 AM

Quick updates on the current/former crop.  GN1, the flakey but pretty woman, is essentially off my active radar.  She still sends Messenger pics to me of this and that, but beyond that it is nearly impossible to engage her and totally not worth it.

GN2 and I have decided to meet finally.  Will probably be this weekend.  We'll see.

GN3, the one in the open relationship....I dropped it.  I figured if I was going to be someone's sex toy (which I am not sure I could really do for very long), then that person probably would need to be a bit better looking than she was.  A bit shallow, but it was a shallow thing, so yeah.

I have otherwise had a strange epiphany.  Tinder seems to be the app that everyone uses (or at least, has a profile), and in general it seems to be where the more attractive people gather.  At least where I live, I am not suggesting this is universally true.  Anyway, you can quite easily delete and then re-create your profile.  Pretty obvious, but what is also clearly revealed is that the "boost" you get from a new profile is MASSIVE.  I always knew it was there, and they of course try to get you to buy their little boost packages, but it never dawned on me how much the initial boost really was.  At the same time, I had basically given up on Tinder, because it was literally getting me nothing.  So I re-created myself, only this time I took only three of my best pictures (instead of 7 or 8 less good ones), and came up with a simple but clever text to put in the description.  I won't repeat it here, but basically it does nothing to describe me or what I am necessarily looking for.  24 hours later, and I am swimming in Likes.  Relatively speaking.  The last 24 hours has seen both more quantity than the last 2 months.  What's more, it is no longer the trash hits that I seem to usually get, easily half of them are profiles I myself would have "liked" anyway.  So I have apparently been Tindering all wrong.

As a result there is this one girl I have been chatting with, and by the gods I hope it doesn't turn out to be some guy in prison with skull tattoos.  And half my age  Oh ho ho ho. Reallllly?  Just stupidly good looking.  And a few other prospects as well, should be fun to see how things develop.

Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
Cyrrex
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Reply #1386 on: September 24, 2018, 03:15:40 AM

GN1 continues to send me pictures (she is on vacation).  Some of these now include pics of her in a bathing suit, and yes, she looks pretty good for her age.  I don't know if she is just trying to keep me on the line until I move out of my house, or if she just likes having people in her circle and just sends pictures to everybody.  Question:  Can you mass send text and pictures via messenger without creating a group?  I can't figure out if she is sending them to me alone, or if they just go out to a bunch of people.

GN2 - now this took a veeeeeery strange twist.  I feel one part kinda bummed, and one part thankful that I probably just dodged a bullet.  Last week I spoke to her on the phone, and she strongly hinted at the fact that she was fighting some kind of serious illness (without saying what it was and clearly not wanting to say what it was).  Maybe something recently discovered by the sound of it, and she was sounding quite out of sorts.  Fast forward a couple days, and she expresses interest in meeting on Saturday anyway.  We exchage a couple of texts (she dislikes texting...more on this shortly) and it was all fairly positive.  She sends me on Saturday morning with a place and time.  And then it goes something about like this.....

Her:  Meet at (place) located at (address) at 14.00?
Me:  Yes
Me:  (after looking a google maps) Is that a shopping street or something? (I had never been there)
Her: In a city like X, it is the only street.  Is there a question within your question?
Me:  No, just curious about where it is you want to meet.
Her:  I don't like texting
Me:  I know
Her:  Should we cancel?
Me:  Why do you say that?
Her:  You know I don't like to text but here we are texting along, and it doesn't matter if it is necessary even though we can have real conversation very soon.  I would like to cancel our meeting, sorry.

...and then a couple more where she sarcastically apologizes for the cafe (note: there was no previous indication that it was even a cafe) not being located in a forest or on a mountain, blah blah blah.  I am thinking to myself "what the actual fuck just happened".  It isn't like there was much texting proceeding what you just read above, and what I wrote above is close enough to verbatim.  Not sure if she is just stressed by whatever is going on with her health, but damn.  One way ticket to crazy town.  It is one thing to dislike idle chit-chat, and quite another to misinterpret an information request and go completely nuclear.

So, one Asian lady off the radar.  I might have another one to replace her though, will see how that goes.

Super hot young girl is not responsive enough to be serious.  Oh well.  The banter is at least amusing.

Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
Tale
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Reply #1387 on: September 24, 2018, 05:20:04 AM

This is one part of online dating that I found emotionally draining. These women you've spent the last few weeks posting about are probably just smoke and mirrors. You've clearly spent a lot of time and thoughts on them, but you'll probably never meet them. I hope I'm wrong, but that's my take.

GN1 sounds like a photogenic self-promoter who enjoys the attention she receives from online dating. I think you might be right that those photos are going to a distribution list. And that's okay, but a person who does that is not ready for a relationship. GN2 also sounds like someone who is not in the right frame of mind to meet someone at the moment.

"Super hot young girl" also happened to me a few times, but I never met any of them. We'd have a great conversation back and forth in messages, but then she'd fall silent. Because you're not actually going to meet someone half your age. All of internet dating is open to them already. They are probably just experimenting with following through (to a limited extent) on being attracted to an older person. Exceptions exist, but in your forties I'd say about 10 years younger is the maximum age difference that could result in an actual date from the internet.

The other emotionally draining part is when you find a GN1 or GN2 or GN29 who actually meets you, and you find out that you're absolutely unsuited to each other, despite the messages. Because these weeks of messages mean absolutely nothing. The only thing that really matters is meeting up in person. And be prepared to do a lot of that, with hope in your heart, fruitlessly, until when you least expect it, GN43 is onto the fourth date and you're not seeing anyone else and it's good. And then three months later you're heartsick because it didn't last and you go back and forth for a few months about why. And then, unexpectedly again, making slow progress this time, you can forget her because of GN51. Or GN200 in my cousin's now-husband's case.

Reality, man. GN1 and GN2 are just the first two letters in a post as long as this.
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Reply #1388 on: September 24, 2018, 05:42:50 AM

I have no doubt you are right about a lot or even all of that.  I am actually fine with the thing with GN1, because as indicated before, I have basically already divested from that one.  If I meet her again one day, fine.  If not, fine.

But as you say, you invest a lot (relatively speaking) in some of these things that just then suddenly disappear for whatever reason.  It's a bit of a jolt, but I am learning to handle it better and better.  The actual numbers are well beyond just GN1, 2 and 3 at this point, but most of them are not worth mentioning because they simply turn into vapor (by my choice or theirs).  The illusion of choice women have works against them, I suspect, because they are as a rule TERRIBLE at keeping up any kind of conversation.  They must be juggling too many at the same time or something, and they are as rule too passive.  Personally, I prefer to have two, maybe three on the burner at any given point, no more than that.

The Super Young Hot Girl has self-professed daddy issues, so there's a good chance she is legit on some level, though that only means she has a billion older dudes to choose from, many of whom would no doubt shower her with material shit (which I would not).  The interplay was fun while it lasted, I probably won't hear from her again.  She probably gets bombarded with Likes and messages, I can only imagine.

Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
Selby
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Reply #1389 on: September 24, 2018, 06:49:36 AM

Exceptions exist, but in your forties I'd say about 10 years younger is the maximum age difference that could result in an actual date from the internet.
I was the exception... 29 year age difference. It was quite interesting though and not as crazy as people make it out to be. I don’t brag about it often because people are super judge-y about it ;-)

I talked to 4 different people, met 2, had relationships with both. Pretty good numbers but that was 7 years ago now. As much as men bag on women for being passive, women are completely inundated with dudes on dating sites. It’s unreal compared to what guys get.
Der Helm
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Reply #1390 on: September 27, 2018, 10:44:26 AM

Saw this in 'funny pictures' and realized that it was far more appropriate here.



THIS is online dating after 40 in a nutshell.

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Nebu
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Reply #1391 on: September 27, 2018, 11:51:42 AM

I removed it. Was a bad joke anyway.

"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."

-  Mark Twain
Cyrrex
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Reply #1392 on: October 01, 2018, 06:42:16 AM

GN1 was silent for a few days - her last barrages were all kinds of vacation pics from Turkey and Cyprus, but once she got back she quieted up again.  Anyway, she sends me a photo today out of the blue (surprise surprise).  This one is one of those gym selfies, where she has photographed herself from behind while looking over her shoulder in the mirror.  Damn.  This time, I am rather sure it was directed at me alone, a calculated move to make sure I like what I see.  And I have to say, it's hard not to.  41 year-old women rarely look this good.  She mentions now that she wants to change gym to the same one I am using, once they come up with one of those "join free!" offers.  And what do you know, they happen to have such a campaign going right now.  I still don't know quite what she wants from me, but apparently it's something.  I am investing no hopes in this right now, but I will keep my options open.

Super Young Hot Girl made a re-appearance yesterday.  I sent her some flippant, overly direct message ( Oh ho ho ho. Reallllly?) after hearing nothing from her since the initial conversation two weeks ago.  For whatever reason, that got her to respond, and positively.  Had a lot of entertaining banter...she is both scorching hot and witty to go along with it.  Really hard to parse what is going on here, but she pretends at least to be interested.  Fast forward a bit, and I haven't heard anything from her today.  Which doesn't necessarily mean anything as she could just be busy, except that I won't be surprised if she goes silent again.  God I hope not.  This one's a unicorn.

Couple other threads open, but not worth getting into just yet.  This stuff seems to ebb and flow for some reason, I can almost track it according to the days of the week.

I am rather surprised how I have learned to be more aggressive and direct since starting all this.  In the beginning I would fret over even writing anything in the first place.  Now it is second nature.  There is also a confidence carryover that comes from women who I thought were unobtainable showing an interest in me, even if it is sometimes fleeting.  A strange world.


Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
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Reply #1393 on: October 03, 2018, 10:53:58 AM

So apparently Match.com has decided to go to a ‘real name’ policy for profiles. Their message did say that if you are concerned about privacy you can use a nickname. Damn right I am not going to use my real name.


'Reality' is the only word in the language that should always be used in quotes.
Cyrrex
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Reply #1394 on: October 10, 2018, 05:15:11 AM

Well, Tinder uses Facebook for authentication, which drives me fucking bonkers.  With phone verification.  Which doesn't stop the hookers anyway, so whatever.

GN1....I don't know if it is because now she knows I am finally moving out of my house in about three weeks (currently sharing with my ex), but I am getting pretty strong indicators that she has, in fact, been sending all these pics just to me, and that she wants me to ask her out.  I am a so far making her stew in it as a sort of way of payback for when she gave me the runaround last time with the gym meetup.  I mean, she sends me pictures of herself in a bikini in the sauna (and for the umpteenth time, she looks really good for being 41) where she is clearly posing.  She just sent me a picture of the same little cafe where we had our first meetup.  The other day she sent me a "looking forward to see your new place!" message.

Super Young Hot Girl only answers sporadically, and while the conversations tend to be fun, she then disappears for days.  She obviously has a hundred other dudes dangling the same way.  Oh well, it's amusing but will never lead to anything.

Had a cute young one on the line that definitely wanted to get together for a bunch of sex.  The catch?  Her boyfriend gets to play fluffer for two minutes, before taking his leave.  WTF.  I mean, I guess if that's your cup of tea, then fine.  But seems you are narrowing down your options a great deal by putting that kind of stipulation into the mix  swamp poop

Have a few other random conversations going, but I swear to christ women are terrible at keeping up a conversation.  I get that they are drowing in choices, but here's a hint:  focus your shit.  Don't match with people you aren't going to talk to.  Don't start conversations you aren't going to see through. 


Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
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