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Author Topic: Internet Dating: Everyone's still shallow  (Read 407354 times)
Ironwood
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Reply #1085 on: January 09, 2012, 01:06:32 PM

Ouch.  I thought it was going ok ?

"Mr Soft Owl has Seen Some Shit." - Sun Tzu
Samwise
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Reply #1086 on: January 09, 2012, 01:18:32 PM

She was the sanest girl I've dated yet, but I just couldn't get past us being at completely different places in our lives (and I'm way too antsy to wait a year or more for someone to "catch up" with me).  That's the big problem I've had with online dating in general; almost everyone I meet is in some sort of transitional phase where they don't quite know what they're doing with their life yet.  Which I guess makes sense, because why else would you be drifting around looking for dates on the Internet?

"I have not actually recommended many games, and I'll go on the record here saying my track record is probably best in the industry." - schild
Ironwood
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Reply #1087 on: January 09, 2012, 01:21:16 PM

Ouch x 2

Ding, Gratz.

"Mr Soft Owl has Seen Some Shit." - Sun Tzu
ghost
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Reply #1088 on: January 09, 2012, 01:23:21 PM

Am I setting the bar too high?

Yes.  Start with: "Must be sane" and go from there.  This alone will eliminate about 90%.

I don't know if I'd recognize a sane girl if I met one.  No frame of reference.

There is no such thing.
Paelos
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Reply #1089 on: January 09, 2012, 01:33:57 PM

She was the sanest girl I've dated yet, but I just couldn't get past us being at completely different places in our lives (and I'm way too antsy to wait a year or more for someone to "catch up" with me).  That's the big problem I've had with online dating in general; almost everyone I meet is in some sort of transitional phase where they don't quite know what they're doing with their life yet.  Which I guess makes sense, because why else would you be drifting around looking for dates on the Internet?

What do you mean different places in your lives? Like she's jobless and drunk dials you at 2AM, and you are at the office at 7AM?

Or like she's directionless and has no idea what she wants to do while you have a set career?

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Selby
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Reply #1090 on: January 09, 2012, 02:12:07 PM

Am I setting the bar too high?
Slightly.  My current girlfriend has a college degree, had her own place, but is having a hard time finding a job.  My previous girlfriend owned her own house and had a hard time finding a job (but did find one).  Another one had her own place with masters degree yet was a contractor with random hours and flaky clients, leading to money not coming in steadily.  Desire to work and effort being put in to finding a job are considerably more important to me than whether they have a job I think is appropriate or not.

What do you mean different places in your lives? Like she's jobless and drunk dials you at 2AM, and you are at the office at 7AM?

Or like she's directionless and has no idea what she wants to do while you have a set career?
This is quite important.  I am at work by 6:15AM and a previous ex was barely functional by 10AM.  We made it work, but the schedule thing sure made it difficult when she was leaving work at 9:30PM and I was getting ready for bed, having been off work since 4PM.  If you want to make it work, you can, but it does require considerable effort.

Now, those who aren't even bothering with life and drifting back and forth between Burger King & McDonald's while subsisting on unemployment in between are the kind who I avoid completely.
Paelos
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Reply #1091 on: January 09, 2012, 02:13:31 PM

I stopped seeing a girl because she was 30, living with her parents, and working at Starbucks.

I was like...  Ohhhhh, I see.

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ghost
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Reply #1092 on: January 09, 2012, 02:16:10 PM

I stopped seeing a girl because she was 30, living with her parents, and working at Starbucks.

I was like...  Ohhhhh, I see.

But was she hot?
Selby
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Reply #1093 on: January 09, 2012, 02:20:46 PM

I stopped seeing a girl because she was 30, living with her parents...
I was told that in California this is expected and if I didn't like this, I'd never get a date.  I personally think it's BS because I moved out of my parents place at 18 and owned my house by 24, so why would I expect that it was "too hard" to move out?
rattran
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Reply #1094 on: January 09, 2012, 02:21:48 PM

"Less crazy than I am" I think is the most important criteria. And if both people in the relationship believe that, it's even better.
Hawkbit
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Reply #1095 on: January 09, 2012, 02:28:49 PM

I stopped seeing a girl because she was 30, living with her parents, and working at Starbucks.

I was like...  Ohhhhh, I see.

But was she hot?

The real question was if she had made it to shift manager or not.  That's where the real responsibility shows. 
ghost
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Reply #1096 on: January 09, 2012, 02:39:45 PM

"Less crazy than I am"

You have a cat as your avatar.   Ohhhhh, I see.
tgr
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Reply #1097 on: January 09, 2012, 02:45:24 PM

"Less crazy than I am"

You have a cat as your avatar.   Ohhhhh, I see.
What of it? awesome, for real

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Samwise
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Reply #1098 on: January 09, 2012, 03:25:14 PM

Or like she's directionless and has no idea what she wants to do while you have a set career?

Closer to that one.  She's 26, not quite sure yet what she wants to be when she grows up, hasn't gotten the paperwork for her college diploma done yet, stuck in a slightly awkward living situation, working on getting out from under a small pile of credit card debt... just not quite "set".  Sucks because she's a fantastic person, very sweet, super hot, ultimately wants most of the same stuff I want, but I was going nuts with the desire to "help" her get her life sorted, and I know from experience that that's a really bad road to go down.

"I have not actually recommended many games, and I'll go on the record here saying my track record is probably best in the industry." - schild
Engels
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Reply #1099 on: January 09, 2012, 03:31:40 PM

Yah, that's a biggie. The 'rescue' impulse is strong in most males, and its nearly impossible to not have that nagging impulse to help when really they should be doing it for themselves. You will either end up frustrated, embittered at having to do stuff for them, or both.

If after hearing the person's life situation your first thoughts turn to 'oh, I could help with that', that should be considered an alarm bell.

I should get back to nature, too.  You know, like going to a shop for groceries instead of the computer.  Maybe a condo in the woods that doesn't even have a health club or restaurant attached.  Buy a car with only two cup holders or something. -Signe

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Paelos
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Reply #1100 on: January 09, 2012, 03:35:47 PM

Or like she's directionless and has no idea what she wants to do while you have a set career?

Closer to that one.  She's 26, not quite sure yet what she wants to be when she grows up, hasn't gotten the paperwork for her college diploma done yet, stuck in a slightly awkward living situation, working on getting out from under a small pile of credit card debt... just not quite "set".  Sucks because she's a fantastic person, very sweet, super hot, ultimately wants most of the same stuff I want, but I was going nuts with the desire to "help" her get her life sorted, and I know from experience that that's a really bad road to go down.

Friend of mine had something similar with a girl he got married to. I'll give you the same advice I gave him. People change a lot at that point in their life, and if you can learn to roll with the punches for a couple years, you could be happy for the rest of your life.

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Tale
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Reply #1101 on: January 09, 2012, 03:36:31 PM

That's the big problem I've had with online dating in general; almost everyone I meet is in some sort of transitional phase where they don't quite know what they're doing with their life yet.  Which I guess makes sense, because why else would you be drifting around looking for dates on the Internet?

Isn't the transitional phase simply because their life plan was changed by the loss of a previous relationship? There's definitely an element of people who are not quite ready to move on yet, who have turned to internet dating as they heal. That may mean an unfortunate rebound relationship. Or accommodating whatever baggage it is that they're drifting around with.

Kissing a flight attendant by Sydney Harbour in summer is good, anyway.
Samwise
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Reply #1102 on: January 09, 2012, 03:51:27 PM

Friend of mine had something similar with a girl he got married to. I'll give you the same advice I gave him. People change a lot at that point in their life, and if you can learn to roll with the punches for a couple years, you could be happy for the rest of your life.

That's how I ended up married the first time.  Never again.   awesome, for real

"I have not actually recommended many games, and I'll go on the record here saying my track record is probably best in the industry." - schild
lamaros
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Reply #1103 on: January 09, 2012, 04:11:45 PM

Sucks because she's a fantastic person, very sweet, super hot, ultimately wants most of the same stuff I want, but I was going nuts with the desire to "help" her get her life sorted, and I know from experience that that's a really bad road to go down.

Whereas you and everyone else you know is sorted for life, right?

Everyone will go through moments of doubt and difficulty and frustration with how their lives are going. If you are looking for someone who is 'fixed' in that regard you might be waiting a long time. If the person is fundamentally someone you feel a strong connection with maybe you can just dial down on your own issues and come together?

If you aren't able to have a relationship where you can be there for each other when needed without it becoming awkward then it's probably a sign that you both have issues you need to deal with, not just her.

Fake-Edit: What Paelos said.

Of course, you might just be looking for something less stressful or fun at this point, which is fine.
« Last Edit: January 09, 2012, 04:30:14 PM by lamaros »
Ingmar
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Reply #1104 on: January 09, 2012, 04:13:38 PM

Or like she's directionless and has no idea what she wants to do while you have a set career?

Closer to that one.  She's 26, not quite sure yet what she wants to be when she grows up, hasn't gotten the paperwork for her college diploma done yet, stuck in a slightly awkward living situation, working on getting out from under a small pile of credit card debt... just not quite "set".  Sucks because she's a fantastic person, very sweet, super hot, ultimately wants most of the same stuff I want, but I was going nuts with the desire to "help" her get her life sorted, and I know from experience that that's a really bad road to go down.

So, honest question. Why are you looking? You don't sound ready to me. Not just from this post obviously, but there's always going to be something that you can latch on to as the reason something won't work, you know?
« Last Edit: January 09, 2012, 04:15:20 PM by Ingmar »

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Samwise
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Reply #1105 on: January 09, 2012, 05:21:08 PM

So, honest question. Why are you looking? You don't sound ready to me. Not just from this post obviously, but there's always going to be something that you can latch on to as the reason something won't work, you know?

Entirely possible.  I'm pretty sure that if I found the right person in the right circumstances, I'd be ready.  Won't know for certain unless I find such a person and it either works out or I find some novel way to cock it up.

"I have not actually recommended many games, and I'll go on the record here saying my track record is probably best in the industry." - schild
Paelos
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Reply #1106 on: January 09, 2012, 08:24:39 PM

I don't know, sounds pretty defeatist to me.

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Viin
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Reply #1107 on: January 09, 2012, 08:49:30 PM

If you are professional looking for another professional (I never did want to date a girl that needed me to give her life direction), have you tried www.itsjustlunch.com?

- Viin
tar
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Reply #1108 on: January 10, 2012, 03:37:45 AM

"Less crazy than I am" I think is the most important criteria. And if both people in the relationship believe that, it's even better.

Nononono, no, you don't want someone less crazy than you. You don't want someone more crazy than you. You want someone just as crazy as you.

At least in terms of intensity, you don't want the same flavour of crazy though. After all, you wouldn't have a peanut butter and peanut butter sandwich would you? ACK!  Oh ho ho ho. Reallllly?
Ironwood
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Reply #1109 on: January 10, 2012, 03:55:30 AM

Have we finished analysing Sam yet ?

For what it's worth, I think he's done the right thing for him.

"Mr Soft Owl has Seen Some Shit." - Sun Tzu
Minvaren
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Reply #1110 on: January 10, 2012, 05:48:38 AM

If you are professional looking for another professional (I never did want to date a girl that needed me to give her life direction), have you tried www.itsjustlunch.com?

Some amusing reading regarding their business practices, fwiw.

"There are many things of which a wise man might wish to remain ignorant." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
lamaros
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Reply #1111 on: January 10, 2012, 06:16:00 AM

If you are professional looking for another professional (I never did want to date a girl that needed me to give her life direction), have you tried www.itsjustlunch.com?

Some amusing reading regarding their business practices, fwiw.

'Amusing' is an interesting way to describe con-artists.
Miasma
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Reply #1112 on: January 10, 2012, 06:45:33 AM

If you are professional looking for another professional (I never did want to date a girl that needed me to give her life direction), have you tried www.itsjustlunch.com?

Some amusing reading regarding their business practices, fwiw.
Thousands of dollars to use that site?  Holy crap, no wonder they can afford to send out actresses once in a while.

There was a story a few months ago about one of the normal sites automatically sending you fictitious winks when your subscription was about to expire or to get you to sign up again.
Paelos
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Reply #1113 on: January 10, 2012, 06:48:56 AM

Makes OK Cupid seem awesome.

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Chimpy
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Reply #1114 on: January 10, 2012, 07:11:28 AM

There was a story a few months ago about one of the normal sites automatically sending you fictitious winks when your subscription was about to expire or to get you to sign up again.

Match.com sends you "emails" and "winks" etc. to try and get you to pay them when you set up the free account. I am sure they do that when you are about to expire/have expired too. They also got in hot water for sending out paid staff on dates a few years ago iirc.

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NowhereMan
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Reply #1115 on: January 10, 2012, 08:38:58 AM

Reminds me of OKCupid's statistics analysis blog post that basically explained why any pay for dating site was probably a pile of shit, basically the fact that they have a real incentive to maintain as high a possible number of profiles combined with never knowing which ones aren't replying to you because they're not interested vs. not active and a few other points that made sense. This article disappeared pretty much as soon as they were bought over by match.com but they posted something about how it disappearing was nothing to do with the merger and simply reflected a change in the priorities they wanted for their statistics analysis blog. Though that blog is still one of the more interesting reads there, if you're actually into mathematical statistics you'll probably find it irritating but for a fun popcorn analysis of random things it's interesting.

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Nebu
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Reply #1116 on: January 10, 2012, 08:44:57 AM

I would think that the value of a pay site would be in gatekeeping the participants to those most invested in finding a partner.  

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-  Mark Twain
HaemishM
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Reply #1117 on: January 10, 2012, 09:02:44 AM

I would think that the value of a pay site would be in gatekeeping the participants to those most invested in finding a partner.  

Not for the company trying to make money on monthly subscriptions.  why so serious?

Minvaren
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Reply #1118 on: January 10, 2012, 09:18:42 AM

There was a story a few months ago about one of the normal sites automatically sending you fictitious winks when your subscription was about to expire or to get you to sign up again.

Match.com sends you "emails" and "winks" etc. to try and get you to pay them when you set up the free account. I am sure they do that when you are about to expire/have expired too. They also got in hot water for sending out paid staff on dates a few years ago iirc.

True.com also spams winks to a ton of your matches when you first sign up.  Thought I was losing my mind when people wrote me saying that I had winked at them, when I'd never even viewed their profile...

"There are many things of which a wise man might wish to remain ignorant." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
K9
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Reply #1119 on: January 10, 2012, 11:00:57 AM

mathematical statistics

I'm more into non-mathematical stats myself  why so serious?

The blog seems to have died sadly, nothing since april last year. It was such an entertaining read too, I can only hope they're taking the energy and turning it into a book.

I love the smell of facepalm in the morning
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