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f13.net  |  f13.net General Forums  |  PC/Console Gaming  |  The f13 Radicalthon  |  Topic: Baldur's Gate: The Baldening 0 Members and 5 Guests are viewing this topic.
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Author Topic: Baldur's Gate: The Baldening  (Read 51897 times)
WindupAtheist
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Posts: 7028

Badicalthon


on: June 10, 2009, 03:00:56 pm

So here's the score. The game is Baldur's Gate plus expansion, but it's ported over to the Baldur's Gate II engine. I'm going to play all the way through, and maybe through BG2 as well if I can ever learn to put up with the combat and magic. The thing is, listening to Xzar and Monty say the same 3 bits of bickering over and over just isn't as much fun as being able to tinker with my own complete party, so I'm running with my own gang of six player-created characters.

The rundown.

Nythrax, Human, Lawful Evil Blackguard. Our dynamic anti-hero, he's probably going to be relatively underpowered for much of the game. He doesn't get the Apply Poison ability until like level 4, and probably won't get Animate Dead until the BG1 endgame or early BG2 if I go that far. He can only spec up to two stars in weapon skills, and his low level abilities like Detect Good are nothing terribly useful. Oh, I also can't let my reputation get above 14 or else he'll lose his evil powers and become merely a gimped fighter ala a fallen paladin. It's a small price to pay for being cool. I might have put a point or two in wis/cha that didn't strictly need to go there, because I am a roleplay dork.

Korgrim, Half-Orc, Chaotic Evil Berzerker. Our dynamic anti-hero's right hand man, he has the charisma of a dead fish and will probably be a beast in combat. He's a freakin' berzerker, there was neither powergaming nor roleplay reason not to dump his charisma and bring his strength up to the racial limit of 19. I also specced him for dual wield since I can't imagine a berzerker with a shield and I already specced Nythrax for two-handed swords.

Vaere, Elf (drow), Lawful Evil Priest of Talos. I generally hate the nerdwanking associated with drow, but I liked Viconia's character concept (runaway drow who's STILL EVIL) so much that I shamelessly stole it. I dug up custom portraits for everyone and I probably like hers the most. High wis, enough in the physical stats to hang in melee as long as she lets the guys run in first.

Garrette, Human, Neutral Evil Assassin. I think if you chop the trailing E off, the guy in Thief was named this. My friend was using this for his thief characters even before the first one came out though, and that's where I got the name. Anyway, his points are all in stealth and trap detection, and his job will be to sneak around the dungeon scouting and backstabbing where possible. In open combat he'll sit back and fire away with a light crossbow. I put some points in intelligence even though they probably would have been better spent buffing his str/con further. Not enough to dual him to mage, but dammit I see him as being a cold calculating smart bastard. QUIT LAUGHING AT ME.

Alexia, Human, Neutral Evil Thief. Someone has to open locks and pick pockets, and for that matter carry a short bow to use all the fancy arrows I'll find. I used Safana's portrait, dumped a couple extra points in cha, and picked the real slutty voice for her. A skanky pickpocket type, as opposed to Gar's medieval hitman routine.

Mordak, Human, Chaotic Evil Necromancer. Well obviously I need a mage, and this was a no-brainer. I'll admit I don't really have much of a character concept behind this guy beyond EVIL WIZARD, but what the hell. Sometimes you just need someone who'll tie a girl to the railroad tracks and twirl his mustache.

Note that when I post, it'll probably be from the protagonist's point of view, but in a very not-serious kinda way. I'll probably embellish things and assign all kinds of non-existant motivations to my evil little battledrones, too. Whatever. Or maybe I'll get bored and quit after 2 posts. Who knows?

"You're just a dick who quotes himself in his sig."  --  Schild
"Yeah, it's pretty awesome."  --  Me
Yegolev
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I make poor decisions


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Reply #1 on: June 10, 2009, 03:11:28 pm

The game is Baldur's Gate plus expansion, but it's ported over to the Baldur's Gate II engine.

I'm not attempting to derail you, but can you elaborate on this?

Why am I homeless?  Why do all you motherfuckers need homes is the real question.
"The majority of my posts, though at times somewhat sarcastic, have remained confined to rational on-topic discourse" -- GUESS WHO
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Koyasha
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Reply #2 on: June 10, 2009, 03:14:04 pm

Either TuTu or BGT.  I am curious as to precisely what you're using and whether you're experiencing any odd bugs with it, because every time I've tried to set up one of these mega-mods there's crash bugs, particularly when I inspect items in inventory.

-Do you honestly think that we believe ourselves evil? My friend, we seek only good. It's just that our definitions don't quite match.-
Ailanreanter, Arcanaloth
WindupAtheist
Army of One
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Badicalthon


Reply #3 on: June 10, 2009, 03:32:13 pm

(Playing via Tutu, no real bugs so far but I'm gonna save to multiple files at differing intervals just to be safe.)

So my senile foster dad says we're going on a trip. Hooray. The old goat has left me cooped up in this stupid library for the last 18 years, and now suddenly it's time for a vacation. He said I could bring my friends though, so me and the rest of the cool kids have decided we're all going to run away as soon as the geezer isn't looking. With that in mind, we scattered about Candlekeep to steal everything not nailed down, so as to fund our new lives.

I didn't really find anything good, although I did have to beat the brains out of a couple random retards who were apparently there to assassinate me. What the hell is that all about? Anyway, Alexia came out of the inn with some kinda fancy gem worth a thousand gold. I didn't ask her whose salad she had to toss to get it, but Kor did and it was pretty hilarious. Fatguts (or whatever the hell his name is) let us pawn the thing off to him without a peep, and pretty soon we were all kitted out with the best weapons Fatshit's Library Hotel had to offer. Which wasn't saying much, but at least we all had swords and armor. Except for Mordak, who was armed with nothing but a sling, two spells, and that shitty little mustache of his.

Oh, and except for Vaere, whose evil god doesn't want her to spill blood. Even though they're evil. And unless it's blood spilled by crushing someone's skull with a warhammer. That's okay, apparently. I've long since learned not to bother questioning this stuff, lest I get that "I will chop your dick off!" look.

So anyway, we went to find gramps to tell him we were ready to go, when who should run up but Imoen, the little wannabe. "HEY THAR BELLYNAPPERS, I'M PLUM RETARDED! HURF!" I don't know why the hell she talks like that. Anyway, we told her she still wasn't cool enough to hang out with us and ran her off like usual. I'm sure we'll never have to see her again.

So gramps gives me this speech about how, if we're separated, I'm supposed to go look up two idiot friends of his so they can babysit me. Yeah, THAT'S likely. I'm just nodding and smiling though, because I just want to get our asses on the road so we can sneak away. We take off, and we're tromping down the road when we're accosted by this totally awesome guy in spiky black armor and his lackeys. He starts talking some shit to gramps, but we're not listening because we've just seen our chance and lit off into the woods. Based on the crunching and screams heard behind us, it sounds like we made the right choice. Sorry gramps.

Well it's the next day and we're all ready to set out after a nice nap, when who should turn up but Imoen again, and she's just totally bent on hanging out with the cool kids. Like hell. I didn't run away from Candlekeep just to keep listening to her bullshit. Finally she was all like "MUTTON MONGERING PUFFBIBBLE TOOTYKINS!" or something, and Garrette just snapped and started stabbing her in the face until she died of being stabbed in the face, which really didn't take very long. He's usually a pretty level-headed guy, but I think he realized after the past night's action that there was no law out here, and a guy can only take so much cutesy talk. We left her corpse in the middle of the road, and I'm sure we'll never have to see her again.

Once that was behind us, Alexia had the bright idea to go back to where gramps bought it and see if there was any loot left laying around after the fight. We took a stroll up there, and sure enough there was the old goat's carcass. Credit where due, he took out a few of the lackeys too, which was great because apparently Mister Spiky didn't bother to loot anything. We rifled through everyone's pockets and found a few coins and knicknacks. Gramps had some stupid letter in his pocket, but I didn't read it.

Well we knew that the old fart had friends up at the Friendly Arm Inn who were just waiting to take over babysitting us, so we unanimously moved to go in the opposite direction. We're going to trek south to Beregost, and see how much we can steal without getting caught. Or as Kor puts it, see how many guys Alexia will blow to make some cash. I think he likes her.

EDIT:  Screenshot!
« Last Edit: June 10, 2009, 03:49:11 pm by WindupAtheist »

"You're just a dick who quotes himself in his sig."  --  Schild
"Yeah, it's pretty awesome."  --  Me
Ard
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Reply #4 on: June 10, 2009, 04:40:38 pm

You know, in all my playthroughs of the beginning of that game, it has never once occured to me to just stick a knife in her face.  And yet, here it is, clearly the most appropriate solution to the problem.
WindupAtheist
Army of One
Posts: 7028

Badicalthon


Reply #5 on: June 10, 2009, 05:18:07 pm

On our way down the road we came across a very curious looking wizard in a green robe and a rather dirty little midget. The two of them were very accomodating, offered us potions, and suggested we travel south with them to Nashkel to investigate some kind of disturbance. I was amenable to this suggestion, provided we took the time to stop in Beregost and do some robbing, but then the wizard started shrieking out of the blue for Korgrim to stop touching him. Mind you, Kor is like ten feet away, but this wizard gets right up in his face and keeps screaming "STOP TOUCHING ME!" over and over again while poor Kor stands there confused.

Well Kor has only one response to things that confuse him, and he chops this wizard's head right the fuck off in front of everyone. Now granted the guy was out of line, but we've only been out of Candlekeep for like 12 hours and we're already up to our second murder, so I'm kinda pissed off. Third murder, actually, since the midget started to freak out and reach for his knife. I somehow hit him with my sword so hard that he exploded into chunks of meat. Not sure how that works, really.

Anyway, we took the rest of their potions and such and I gave a little speech about self-control. Vaere stood next to me giving everyone this real smug "Yeah what he said!" look while Kor gave me that kicked-puppy look and Mordak grumbled. I gave him the dead wizard's scrolls and told him to shut up. We're not going to get very far in our new life of crime if these nincompoops don't learn to temper their newfound sense of freedom and refrain from stabbing everyone who annoys them.

It must have paid off, because a few minutes later when this old man in a funny red hat came up and started babbling at us, I was able to tell him to fuck off without anyone going bonkers and hacking his arms off. He told us to go to the Friendly Arm Inn, too, which only hardened our resolve to not go there.

On to Beregost, and plunder.

"You're just a dick who quotes himself in his sig."  --  Schild
"Yeah, it's pretty awesome."  --  Me
Soln
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the opportunity for evil is just delicious


Reply #6 on: June 10, 2009, 06:54:33 pm

I think I will watch this thread.  Plz continue in your eviling.

Implicit ownership of wrecks
WindupAtheist
Army of One
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Badicalthon


Reply #7 on: June 10, 2009, 07:24:19 pm

Well, Beregost was an interesting town. A little routine burglary earned us some pocket change, and as it was raining we ducked into some dive of a tavern to spend some of it. This angry little dwarf comes stumping up to us, and announces that he's here to assassinate me. (By the way, you should hear Garrette rant about how stupid these guys are to just introduce themselves instead of murdering us in our beds or some such.) Needless to say, the dwarf's "assassination" strategy of rushing headlong into a heavily-armed band of six didn't work out very well and we hacked him to bits.

Deciding that this place was a bit too much of a dump even for our tastes, we scooted across town to someplace called Feldpost's. Nice enough joint, except for the meathead who had some kinda grudge against adventurers and challenged us to a "fair fight without all those weapons" or some such. This turned into me and Kor sinking blades into him from two directions, but other than some buddy of his who was too smart to really do anything, nobody said shit.

I think we're just going to have to get used to stepping over corpses in order to have a drink. The lot of us sat downstairs and got loaded while Alexia scampered off to pilfer upstairs. Somehow she relieved someone of their cloak (and even more surprisingly, Kor didn't make any jokes) which she insisted was magical. We gave it to Mordak to figure out what it does, and get this, it CONTROLS PEOPLE'S MINDS.

You just wear it, and sorta concentrate on someone, and suddenly they'll obey your every command. It doesn't always work, but you can just try it again if it doesn't. This is the best thing we've ever found, so naturally I insisted upon wearing it. Which Mordak didn't like. There was some grumbling, but all I had to do was point out to the girls that the necromancer would probably have both of them under his robe by the end of the night if he could cast the equivalent of Charm Person without having to talk or move. That changed the character of the conversation completely. You could tell Mordak wanted to be mad, but instead he just had this shit-eating grin on his face like "You got me man, I totally would!"

We slept off our buzz, and then set off to do some more stealing. We broke into a house that looked abandoned, planning to poke around for hidden loot, and it turned out to be full of really fucking big spiders. I mean spiders big enough to eat a cow. I don't know what the hell they were doing in there, or what they eat in there, or where the hell the guards were, but we sliced them up and ransacked the joint. Korgrim found some ugly boots that for some reason he just loves and insists on wearing, and Vaere lifted a bottle of wine, saying we'll use it to drink a toast when we make it big. Whatever. We hit a few other houses, pawned some knicknacks at Feldpost's, and found ourselves sitting on a couple thousand coin altogether. Funny how it adds up.

Apparently Beregost has some kinda hotshot blacksmith, so we went over to "Thunder Hammer Smithy" and took a look around. Holy crap. Everyone pretty much drooled over the goodies on display, none of which we could afford. We had Kor buy a new suit of splint mail to replaces his chain while we cased the joint. Later that night we broke in, but apparently they lock all the really good stuff up somewhere we couldn't find. We cleaned them out for a bunch of normal swords and one magical one, but there's no way I'm dumb enough to try to pawn them here in the same town.

By this point we had pretty much gone as far as simple burglary was going to take us, so I was quite pleased when some sniveling dipshit of a bard asked us to perform some "bodyguard" duty on behalf of his boss, this smoking hot actress. I wish Vaere would quit giving me that "Vile male scum!" look whenever I ogle some female. You weren't even raised like a real drow, you grew up in Candlekeep. Gawd.

Anyway, the broad tells us that evil Feldpost is sending thugs to kill her because she didn't perform at his tavern. Which is pretty funny, because as far as I can tell, Feldpost is a harmless fat old drunk. Supposedly we'd get 300 gold to kill the lot of them. The situation became pretty clear when the three middle aged milquetoast "thugs" walked up and innocently told her they had her delivery ready.

She immediately begins shrieking that she won't let them hurt her, in a fashion totally not convincing for an actress, and ordering us to attack. Now look, I'm a guy who basically believes in keeping his word, which is why I don't give it often. But I don't appreciate being treated like a moron, and as far as I'm concerned an agreement negotiated in bad faith doesn't count. If she wanted to hire assassins she should have hired us as assassins, not bodyguards.

We chopped up the whole lot of them. The three guys, the actress, the sniveling bard, the whole lot. The actress had 400 gold and a magical quarterstaff on her, the guys had some potions, and the bard had jack and shit. Then we split out of town before anyone could notice the huge pile of corpses. I think this is probably going to become a pattern.

I think we'll head to Nashkel. We still need to sell all these swords we stole, and it wouldn't hurt to let things in Beregost die down for a while. Plus the wizard and the midget said something about adventurers being needed down there... uh... before we chopped them up.

"You're just a dick who quotes himself in his sig."  --  Schild
"Yeah, it's pretty awesome."  --  Me
MrHat
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Out of the frying pan, into the fire.


Reply #8 on: June 10, 2009, 09:52:08 pm

 Oh ho ho ho. Reallllly?

Go on...
WindupAtheist
Army of One
Posts: 7028

Badicalthon


Reply #9 on: June 10, 2009, 10:54:49 pm

I just wait for a little reaction before I go spamming into the void. Writing this crap has me poopsocking the game today.

---

They weren't joking when they talked about the roads being dangerous. Between Beregost and Nashkel we had to kill a couple ogrillions, a squad of hobgoblins, a few bandits, and one Flaming Fist mercenary. That last one was the interesting bit. This imbecile comes running up to us screaming "AH SURV THA FLAYMING FEEYUST!" and insisting that we're bandits who need to be arrested. I could have explained that no such thing was the case (although technically...) or even asked him how he planned to arrest all six of us on his lonesome. Instead I mentioned that "Flaming Fist" is possibly the most blatantly homosexual name anyone could ever give to anything, and explained why in graphic detail.

He's about my size. I'm wearing his fancy plate armor now. Vaere took his goofy looking helmet and put it on as a souveneir. It was shortly afterward that we encountered the actual bandits and killed them when they tried to rob us. The long and the short of it is that between that and the hobgoblins and what all, it seems me and my little band of homicidal teenage library escapees can actually fight a bit. Burglary is a nice sideline, but I think it's time we cracked more skulls in the future.

We finally reached Nashkel and immediately went to hit the tavern. Yet another idiot "assassin" barged up and announced herself, only to be skewered from six directions. These guys need to get more creative, or I think Garrette is going to try to kill me himself just to show them how it's supposed to be done. Har. Regardless, this one had a magic helmet that lets me see in the dark like a dwarf. Spiffy.

After a few drinks, we went for a little stroll to see what could be seen. This place is a bit of a stupid backwood compared to even Beregost, but what the hell. Speaking of stupid, some flabby moron of a minor functionary accosted us on our way down main street and offered us 200 gold. Apparently he took me for a bounty hunter named Greywolf, who had performed some service and was owned the money. I did not disabuse him of his misconception, and pocketed the cash.

After that, he told me of a couple bounties still up for collection. One was for a former captain of the guard who apparently went batshit, hacked up his family and some other guards, and ran off into the woods. The other was some sissy artist who stole a couple of valuable emeralds and high-tailed it out of town. The guy made a point of telling me they didn't care what happened to said artist.

Let's review. Artist with presumably no particular fighting skill, valuable gems, and nobody cares what happens to him. Yeah, we knew what our next job was going to be. The professional soldier become homicidal maniac can wait a little.

And while I'm on the topic of potential work: The mayor of this little dump explained to us how the local mines are putting out only defective ore, and how "demons" are killing the miners. He promised a "handsome reward" since the two adventurers he was expecting had never showed up. I didn't mention that I'm pretty sure we'd butchered them for their potions.

Anyway, on our way out of town we experienced an amusing reversal of situations. This time someone got mad and tried to chop US up for being annoying. We found this apparently insane bald-headed man with facial tattoos talking to his pet gerbil, or whatever. When he saw us, he ran up and started babbling about how "his witch" had been kidnapped by gnolls and taken off to the west, and we had to save her, and blah blah blah. I told the lunatic he could cram his gerbil back up his keister and solve his own problems, at which point he shrieked like a moose with a lit torch up it's nose and attacked.

I chopped him in half, and stomped his gerbil into the ground as it scurried away for good measure. Idiot. At least I learned that there's an encampment of gnolls off to the west. Perhaps we'll go and pillage them at some point. Killing and looting is a lot less of a headache when it's against victims whom it's legal to brutalize.

A search to the east, in the vicinity of the mines, turned up the artist with the stolen emeralds. Turns out the fop was madly in love with... some bitch, I don't know, I wasn't paying attention... and "needed" the emeralds to serve as eyes in the statue of her he was sculpting. What a laugh. I was about to tell him to fork over the gems or die, or maybe die and then fork over the gems, when Alexia slipped behind him.

Now you should understand, back in Candlekeep this was a little game we used to play. One of us would go up and ask one of the monks a question about some inane subject of their interest just to get them talking, while Alexia would sneak up behind them and empty their pockets. She'd always give us this little wink to let us know she'd pulled it off. (Vaere would get Imoen to try this, and then scream "THIEF!" when she went for it. Good times.) Well this artist is yammering about how this bounty hunter (the same Greywolf they mistook me for) is out to get him, and how he'd give us what little he owned to protect him while he finished his statue, when I see Alexia give me the exact same little wink. I knew we already had the gems and the rest of this was just a game. I smiled and nodded and told him we'd be happy to help.

Well sure enough Greywolf shows up, and apparently he knows I claimed his bounty and is proper pissed off about it. He goes for his fancy sword, and Vaere casts a Command spell that makes him fall asleep. We bashed his brains out where he lay. Tee hee. Then the artist makes some grand final statement about his great love, or whatever, and falls over dead for no good reason. I immediately looked at Mordak and Garrette, but neither claimed to have done anything. (Nor do they have cause to deny.) Maybe he realized the gems were gone and died of a broken heart. One can only hope.

Turns out Greywolf's sword is some sort of fancy magical artifact. I could tell Korgrim wanted it really bad, and I already had the Nythraxian Cloak of Mind Bending (as I have come to call it) plus the Nightvision Helmet, so I let him keep it. So to recap, gems ours, fancy sword ours, Greywolf dead, silly artist dead. Another flawless victory for the cool kids of Candlekeep. Especially after we got back to town and the fat little shit in charge of bounties was livid about our taking him for 200 gold. Claimed he wouldn't pay us for the bounty on the artist. So we took the emeralds across town and pawned them for 10 times the reward money. Sucker.

Things are looking up, especially since we realized I can use my fancy cloak to make people not mind being robbed. We walk into a house, I put the whammy on whoever is around, and then we ransack the joint. We pilfered the guard barracks and Alexia stole herself a little magical sword that way. Good times indeed.

I think next we'll figure out what the hell is going on in those mines, and if we don't get our "handsome reward" we'll sack that shit little town into ruins, guards or no.

(Garrette and Alexia have dinged level 2, and for the record I haven't actually lost even a single reputation point yet. Haw.)
« Last Edit: June 10, 2009, 10:59:55 pm by WindupAtheist »

"You're just a dick who quotes himself in his sig."  --  Schild
"Yeah, it's pretty awesome."  --  Me
Koyasha
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Reply #10 on: June 10, 2009, 11:12:16 pm

So far I'm finding your writeup hilariously awesome.  I usually play a loner type, or with standard characters, so your custom party of sociopaths is highly amusing.

-Do you honestly think that we believe ourselves evil? My friend, we seek only good. It's just that our definitions don't quite match.-
Ailanreanter, Arcanaloth
trias_e
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Reply #11 on: June 10, 2009, 11:22:41 pm

Quote
(Garrette and Alexia have dinged level 2, and for the record I haven't actually lost even a single reputation point yet. Haw.)

lol, what?  How is this possible with so much wanton theft and carnage?  

This is highly entertaining, nostalgic, and informative for me considering I never played evil.  I'm such a loser goody-two-shoes.  Keep up the good work.  Well, not good, exactly.   DRILLING AND MANLINESS
WindupAtheist
Army of One
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Badicalthon


Reply #12 on: June 10, 2009, 11:34:40 pm

Well party members and potential party members don't give reputation loss when killed, presumably to avoid difficulties with friendly fire. Hell, the guards won't even care if you murder them in plain sight. That's how I whacked Imoen, Xzar, and Monty without losing anything.

Fighting Marl in Feldpost's gives no rep loss by design. The guy does technically swing first. With the whole actress subquest, you don't lose rep for killing the 3 guys. You lose rep when you talk to the chick and get your reward. So if you turn around and kill her instead, you STILL don't lose any rep because refusing to attack the guys and killing her instead is supposed to be the goodguy quest path. As for all the burglary, I just make sure not to do it with any non-charmed bystanders around.

The Flaming Fist merc on the way to Nashkell swings first for no actual justified reason, and so you don't lose rep for whacking him. The whole Greywolf situation just isn't regarded as serious enough to result in rep loss no matter what you do, and anyway the game thought I was doing the good path in offering to protect the artist. It honestly didn't recognize the fact that Alexia had already pickpocketed the gems and that I was just jerking off to get Greywolf to show so I could take his sword.

A lot of metagaming, basically, but as long as I can sell it RP-wise what the heck? If/when I start gaining rep from quests I may well need to go out of my way to do some rep-losing evil, lest I lose my Blackguard status.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2009, 11:37:58 pm by WindupAtheist »

"You're just a dick who quotes himself in his sig."  --  Schild
"Yeah, it's pretty awesome."  --  Me
Triforcer
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Posts: 4510


Reply #13 on: June 11, 2009, 03:36:56 am

WUA, I disagree with you on many many things, but this shit be hilarious.  Reading this and reading your little killing Mission KOTOR screed has convinced me you could/should be writing professionally. 

All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu.  This is the truth!  This is my belief! At least for now...
UnSub
Contributor
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WWW
Reply #14 on: June 11, 2009, 04:23:56 am

Yeah, this is fun.

More pics (in spoiler tags) plz.

Ironwood
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Reply #15 on: June 11, 2009, 05:08:53 am

More.

 Heart

"There should be a rule that says you can't sig what someone says in this board section."  - Stray
"Iain is pronounced 'Your arch-cromulence' while Ian sounds more like a filthy dwarf toucher kind of name." - IainC
WindupAtheist
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Posts: 7028

Badicalthon


Reply #16 on: June 11, 2009, 09:54:58 am

So we're getting ready to brave the depths of the Nashkel mines, to fight the demons that haunt it (okay it's probably just a couple of bugbears or something, but still), to really cut our teeth as doers of deeds, and I'm getting myself psyched up. I'm kinda jumping around with my sword, supposedly practicing my form but really imagining I'm killing some worthwhile opponents. Take that you... you... not a ninety pound actress! Eat steel, something other than an unarmed merchant! I mean we've killed a few hobgoblins and bandits here and there, but mostly it's been the six of us blitzing a single overwhelmed combatant at best. Anyway, Vaere says this whole "sword-flapping" display is the douchebaggiest thing she's ever seen. Frankly I think that I look awesome, and that she needs to ride this dick and chill out, but I'm not about to say that last part out loud.

Where was I? Yeah, I'm standing there pretending to chop up people who can fight back a little bit and thinking of filthy things to not say to Vaere when the rest of the crew runs up and starts hopping up and down like idiot children with too much sugar in them. Okay Garrette wasn't really jumping around, but the fact that he was even putting up with the others in this state meant a lot. I can't even get "What the fuck is wrong with you nimrods?" out of my mouth before they're all squealing "CARNIVAL!" Yeah, apparently the circus is in town or something. I briefly contemplated enslaving them all with the Nythraxian Cloak of Mind Bending and just making them come to the mine with me, but whatever. Fine, the carnival it is.

So we get there and it's just a nonstop cavalcade of stupidity, but everyone else is having a good time so I keep quiet. At least until the metaphorical shit hits the anachronistic gnome-constructed fan, WHICH I'M GUESSING IT WILL. Some fruity bard type comes right up to Korgrim and starts spouting some kind of poetry and I'm like, this is it, it's gonna happen, his head is coming off any second. I'm already looking for guards. But to my utter surprise, Kor just starts clapping like it's the greatest thing he's ever heard. He even had a little tear in his eye. Then Alexia called him a pillow biting poof, he made some choice comments in return about her, a halfling, a donkey, and a tub of grease that ran the bard right off, and it was back to form.

We keep tramping along, seeing what there is to see, when we get accosted by a dipshit in some kind of neon luminescent ponce's uniform. Poofy hat, silly tights, and all of it going from green to red to blue even as you look at it. He called himself Lord Binky and went out of his way to tell us how horribly he thought we were dressed. Until I bent his mind with my magic cloak, after which he thought we looked great. I had him tag along with us, intent upon doing something fun to teach him a lesson, but not entirely sure what just yet. As it turned out, I didn't need to. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

There's this mage there, hyping an act called Oopah the Exploding Ogre. Based upon the title alone, I am intrigued. So we ask to see the act. He waves his wand, and sure enough an ogre appears. And sure enough, it fucking explodes. I don't mean there was a poof of fire and smoke and it vanished, I mean it detonated into flying chunks of screaming meat right before our eyes. We're a pretty gore-hardened bunch, but 500 pounds of giblets unexpectedly blown up in your face will turn anyone off. We're all covered in ogre bits and on the verge of throwing up, except for Mordak, who has this huge grin on his face and is just like "AGAIN! AGAIN! AGAIN!" That boy ain't right.

The rest of us took a big step back, except for Binky who I had stand even closer. Maybe if his silly clothes soak up enough blood, I won't be able to see the shifting colors anymore because they're making me almost as sick as the dollops of ogre intestine stuck to my breastplate. Well sure enough, the mage waves his wand again, the ogre appears again, and there's another shower of meat chunks. If people didn't mind eating ogre you could probably feed the world with this trick.

"AGAIN! AGAIN!" from Mordak. I told Binky he should keep his mouth open for this one. So the mage waves his wand and the ogre appears, only this time it's understandably sick of exploding, pissed off, and wants revenge. The carnival mage knew enough to immediately take off running. Mordak grabbed Binky by the collar and pushed him toward the ogre, screaming "HE DID IT!" and then running toward the rest of us. Poor Binky got his head clubbed clean off his shoulders. And when I say "poor Binky" I mean that it was awesome and the best thing I saw that day.

The ogre came after us once the ponce was dead, and we got to kill a halfway credible opponent. I guess. If killing circus performers counts. After that I insisted we take a long break to wash ourselves off before we could begin to smell like a slaughterhouse floor.

I was ready to go back to town at this point, but everyone else insisted that this was the best day ever, so I relented. We picked up from where we left off with the ogre, and the very next tent we poked our heads into turned out to be set up as a gambling parlor. Roulette wheels and everything. Garrette started rubbing his hands together in a way that I knew meant trouble, so I grabbed everyone and told them to get the fuck out. I'm tolerant to an extent, but there was NO WAY that was ending well.


I was in a hurry to distract the lot of them with something, anything else, so we all piled into the very next tent I saw. Of course it couldn't just be full of jugglers or clowns or something, no. There's some crazy wizard dude in there holding some other wizard chick at spellpoint, screaming that we should stay back or he'll finish saying the magic words to kill her. I'm just like "Fuck you buddy, it's always something!" and true to his word, he said something or other and the chick dropped dead. No skin off my ass, I didn't even know her. Then he started to cast something at us, so we rushed him. Vaere maced him in the back of the head so hard his eyes flew out the front. Kor was impressed.

Then Mordak runs up and just starts stripping the guy naked while we all stare open-mouthed. Yeah, seems the guy was wearing some kinda spiffy magical wizard robe. Mordak being Mordak, he saw no reason not to just switch clothes with the corpse right in front of us. Looted the dead girl too, took all their scrolls and assorted wizard shit that nobody else would know what to do with anyway.

After that things calmed down for a little while. We did a little shopping. Also a little stealing. Some snake-oil salesman wanted to sell us some crazy potions. We love potions but hate paying, so I gave him a dose of the hypno-cloak and he wished us well as we cleaned out his goods. We went a few tents down and sold most of them, plus all the other shit we'd "acquired" lately. We're up to ten thousand gold in total, and we haven't really even done anything hard yet. I don't know why everyone says crime doesn't pay, because as far as I can tell it pays great.

Oh, there was one other incident of interest. We met this little dwarf who wanted to sell us a Stone to Flesh scroll for 500 gold, presumably to de-petrify the woman standing nearby. God knows how long she'd been standing there as a statue, but I got the impression that it was a long time and that the circus had been set up around her. I was curious to find out what the woman's story was, but like I said we hate paying. Then Alexia did that little "brush up against a guy inappropriately to unnerve him while picking his pocket" thing and gave us the "I got the loot!" wink, so I knew it was all good.

Mordak is going on about how this woman is beautiful, and how we must haul the statue away to break the spell in private so that he can "question" her, and everyone is just rolling their eyes. Then as he's taking a step forward, Garrette sticks his foot out and he goes toppling right into her. CRASH. Yeah, I don't think she's getting unpetrified as anything other than meat fragments anytime soon. Mordak was pissed, Garrette just told him it was punishment for making everyone look at his naked ass earlier. Mordak just started laughing. For a perverted necromancer he has a surprisingly good sense of humor about things.

The dwarf was looking at us, all pissed off, and I don't think he'd even realized his scroll was missing yet. I decided it was time for us to get scarce again and we beat feet. We're going to the god damned mines to get some real work done now, whether anyone likes it or not.

Oh, we still have the Stone to Flesh scroll. Korgrim used his magic sword to carve a vagina on the side of a rock and gave it to Mordak, said he could use the scroll on it so he could see what one looks like. Yeah, I think that one pissed Mordak off a little.

(Alexia's portrait changed to a more appropriate custom one, Vaere dinged level 2, still haven't lost any rep.)
« Last Edit: June 11, 2009, 06:47:50 pm by WindupAtheist »

"You're just a dick who quotes himself in his sig."  --  Schild
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WindupAtheist
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Reply #17 on: June 11, 2009, 05:51:31 pm

Well that was simpler than expected. I dragged everyone directly from the carnival to the mines, kicked the rude old foreman in the ass to have him let us in, and then we got down to work. The miners were all crying about demons and god knows what else, the pissant local soldiers were quaking in their boots nearly as badly, but it turns out that we were looking at a simple kobold infestation. Way to panic, morons. You have like 200 soldiers but some little two-foot tall goblins have managed to paralyze your entire economy. Oh well, leaves room for us to make money.

These kobolds really loved shooting people with bows though, so I used the cloak to mindfuck a couple of guards and the odd miner or two into serving as arrow magnets. That worked really well until we got in deep enough that there were no more miners. But they were still just kobolds and we sliced through them with alacrity.

There was the odd occasional ghoul, and we did come into a chamber with a bunch of those huge-ass spiders in it. We killed them all with ease and then Kor just starts staring at Vaere until she's like "WHAT?" I get what he's doing, so I start doing it too, and pretty soon the five of us are all just staring at her. Until finally she gets it and she's like "Oh fuck you guys, what I'm a drow so I'm supposed to love spiders? Kiss my ass!" Everyone laughed.

After that it was just Garrette disarming shitty kobold traps while we hacked the little bastards up, until we were so far down that we started seeing lava. This is one deep mine. IT'S CALLED MAGMA WHEN IT'S STILL UNDERGROUND, YOU OAF! --M. Oh shit that won't come off. That's what I get for leaving this out while I get up to piss. Fuck you, Mordak. If he does that again I'm going to draw a giant cock and balls on the inside cover of his spellbook while he's sleeping.

Where was I? So eventually we come to this huge rock in the middle of a small underground lake, and the rock has an opening in the side that looks like it's been traveled. So we barge in and there's this cleric standing there. Apparently he's the one in charge of all the kobolds, making them put this vile green shit on all the iron ore to ruin it. Green shit that looks exactly like an antidote potion, I might add, so I made sure to throw all the green poison shit away lest a hilarious mishap ensue at some future point.

Anyway, this cleric thinks we work for his boss, a guy named Tazok. Seems he has reason to believe his boss is pissed off at him, and is afraid we're the hit squad sent to get rid of him. He starts begging for more time, or some shit, so I just tell him I don't know who Tazok is but his ass is grass. Then suddenly he gets all cocky and calls for his guards, and the fight is on. A bunch of koblds and skeletons run up behind us, but Mordak puts the kobolds to sleep while Vaere drops the cleric with a Command spell. We dispatched the skeletons easily and then butchered everyone else where they lay.

We rooted through all his shit and came up with some magic boots, a ring, and a bunch of letters from this Tazok dude bitching this guy out for letting his kobolds stir shit up. Whatever. Apparently the boots are some kind of Talos-related relic that protect you from lightning, while the ring is one that lets clerics cast more spells. Vaere loves Talos and was all like "Mine, bitches!" and put them all on, telling us she deserves them for putting up with our silly racism. Pfft. The boots aren't important and nobody else can use the ring anyway, so nobody cared.

We found a back door exit from the mine that dropped us in the middle of nowhere, but everyone wanted to walk rather than wind our way through the caves again. One long march later and we're handing the letters over to the mayor of Nashkel and taking our 900 gold reward. Which isn't as generous as I might have hoped, but it's enough to keep me from mindfucking all the guards and sacking the city, so whatever.

So yeah, another flawless victory for the cool kids. Victory over actual armed and organized opposition, for once. We all headed over to the local pub to get trashed, when who should greet us outside but another moronic assassin. This one was a mage, but he didn't cast spells so good after Garrette sunk a crossbow bolt into his eye socket. We picked him clean and found another letter. Apparently this Tazok guy not only set out to screw over the mines, more importantly he's also the one trying to have me whacked.

There are lots of good reasons, I must admit, for someone to want me dead. But I was dealing with these idiots even before I set off on my life of crime, so I'm a bit mystified. Well one of the letters we found in the mine made reference to this Tazok having a man in Beregost by the name of Tranzig, so I think we'll track him down and beat some answers out of him. This constant stream of bumbling assassins is getting old as shit.

We'll get on that as soon as this hangover fades. We got so hammered the bartender cut us all off, then we retreated to their best rooms (which were still pretty crap) and slept it off. Korgrim puked all over the carpet and we just let it lay. Fuck it, we're famous adventurers now.

(Nythrax, Korgrim, and Mordak ding 2. Garrette and Alexia ding 3.)
« Last Edit: June 11, 2009, 05:53:38 pm by WindupAtheist »

"You're just a dick who quotes himself in his sig."  --  Schild
"Yeah, it's pretty awesome."  --  Me
Montague
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Reply #18 on: June 11, 2009, 07:03:47 pm

I cannot wait for the endgame recap.  Oh ho ho ho. Reallllly?

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Reply #19 on: June 11, 2009, 08:27:07 pm

One thing that annoy me most about this game is how much trash mobs are there in game, I basically loaded up every fighter with bows and just pincushion them to hell. Once I've got fireball it's much more tolerable.

When I was younger, I used to be a clumsy, slow and awkward girl.
However, just like the story of ugly duckling, people told me that I have really matured and changed over the years. I feel confident in my abilities now, and I'm eager to show you what I can do.

Why don't you get to know me a little better?
www.internetexplorertan.com/download
WindupAtheist
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Reply #20 on: June 11, 2009, 09:30:53 pm

So we got back to Beregost without incident, and the coast was clear. Not only was there no pitchfork-waving mob awaiting us, but a little girl ran up and told us that a member of the Flaming Fist wanted to meet me at the Jovial Juggler tavern. I asked her how she knew who we were and apparently we really are fucking famous now. For clearing out the mine, even, and not for robbing the town and killing half a dozen people. Korgrim high-fived me on the spot. This is how it's supposed to be.

Obviously we were suspicious about the Flaming Fags asking after us, so we went in there all careful like, with Alexia on lookout outside and Garrette scoping the place out before we went inside. Turns out this Officer Vai was there to beg for our help. Apparently the whole bandit thing is so out of control that these guys are totally cut off from getting back to Baldur's Gate. She'll pay us 50 gold for every bandit's scalp we bring her.

I rubbed her face in shit a little bit, metaphorically speaking, and she just took it which was great. I'll probably end up doing the job anyway. I don't like the Flamers any, but I love killing people and getting paid for it. Kor and Mordak want to just start scalping everyone we meet, but I managed to calm them down.

Once we were on the street again, that old dipshit in the red hat that accosted us straight out of Candlekeep turned up again. He introduced himself by name this time. Turns out he's Elminster. Yes THE Motherfucking Elminster. I'm pretty sure Mordak peed a little bit, but I wasn't impressed. The old goat congratulated us on whooping ass in Nashkel, making him as informed as that five year old who told us the Flamers were looking for us. Then he said something about how we were on a morally grey path, straddling the fence or some shit. HAW! If that's what he thinks then he clearly doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about after all.

He kept blabbering about how he used to know Gorion, but I just cut him off and told him we had to go. He made a point of telling us we should go investigate the bandits in the northeast. Dude, you're the dimension-hopping godfucker, why don't you go over there and vaporize all the bandits with a fart and save everyone else the trouble? But of course not.

Enough with the distractions, this Tranzig asshole owed us some answers, and the letter we got his name from said he was staying at Felpost's. We scoped the place out and caught up to him in his room. He was already packing to get the hell out of town, so we told him the jig was up and to spill his guts if he wanted to live. Oh but he's a MAGE, and he's going to teach us a lesson. Yawn. One vicious beating later the guy is telling us how he meets Tazok in Peldvale and Larswood to carry messages for him, but that's all he knows, and can he please go now?

We cut his throat and Mordak took his magic ring that makes you slightly harder to hit in battle. I got these boots that are supposed to make you almost impossible to hit with arrows, and Garrette got a ring that lets him see in the dark, which is pretty handy given the sneaky sorta shit we always have him doing. Or did we get some of that loot from Firebead? You kill enough wizards and it all starts to run together.

Okay, I should expalin. Firebead Elvenhair is one of gramps' old friends from Candlekeep, and unless I miss my guess at least half a pedo. He never did anything blatant that I know of, but he was the sorta guy who always wanted one of us kids to sit on his lap. Yeah. Well anyway, we were doing a little go-round of town to see if there was anything new to burgle, and sure enough there's the guy just standing there in his front room. Awkward.

Ah, but he seemed to think we knew he lived there, and had come to visit him. Whew. Yeah, he starts "consoling" us on the loss of gramps (like we care) and offers to give us "a few coins" if we bring him some book, since "it must be so hard" with him gone. Which was pretty insulting, really. Yeah right asshole, in case you haven't heard I'm a famous adventurer with enough money to buy out your entire miserable life several times over. Anyway, I think he must have been more of a pedo than I thought, because he goes to put his hand on Garrette's shoulder in a fatherly sort of way, and out of nowhere Kor bellows "BAD TOUCH! KOR WILL NEVER WEAR THE CLOWN SUIT AGAIN!" and hacks the old fart's arm right the hell off at the elbow. Garrette almost shit himself, but still had the presence of mind to jam a dagger in the geezer's throat before he could start screaming.

Screeny:
Mordak starts spinning around where he stands, waiting for Elminster to appear out of the ether and smite us, but nothing happened. Just like I figured. So we looted the old guy, and his house, and crammed him in a closet. Kor absolutely refused to explain himself or say much of anything at all, and Alexia was actually nice to him for once.

We stopped by Thunder Hammer, and apparently the guy never figured out who robbed him because he was friendly as ever. We bought some goodies. Nothing super great, a magic sling here, a better sword there. Between the Flaming Fist, Elminster, and the info we murdered out of Tranzig, it's pretty clear that everyone expects us to go to Peldvale and tangle with the bandits. With that in mind, we decided to head back south and plunder the gnolls that crazy asshole with the gerbil mentioned before he died. There's WAY too much going on here. Maybe things will cool off a little bit with time, and then we can track down that Tazok.

(Vaere dings level 3. Repuation falls from 10 to 6. Funny thing, I'm so good at being bad without losing rep that I actually got one of the goodguy chapter-recap dream sequences. Bullshit. I reloaded and went looking for a way to lose rep. It was just dumb luck that I found Firebead in his house. Killing him seemed much better than whacking a random peasant, so I invented a story to go with it. Edited to add screenshot.)
« Last Edit: June 11, 2009, 09:51:36 pm by WindupAtheist »

"You're just a dick who quotes himself in his sig."  --  Schild
"Yeah, it's pretty awesome."  --  Me
rk47
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Reply #21 on: June 11, 2009, 09:45:26 pm

lol. Not too low of a rep, man. Baldur's Gate is gonna be hell with low rep later on.

When I was younger, I used to be a clumsy, slow and awkward girl.
However, just like the story of ugly duckling, people told me that I have really matured and changed over the years. I feel confident in my abilities now, and I'm eager to show you what I can do.

Why don't you get to know me a little better?
www.internetexplorertan.com/download
WindupAtheist
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Reply #22 on: June 11, 2009, 10:46:03 pm

Six is about as low as I'll go. Between six and nine. Remember that as a blackguard, anything above 14 will perma-cripple Nythrax. Thus I plan to avoid double digits entirely.

"You're just a dick who quotes himself in his sig."  --  Schild
"Yeah, it's pretty awesome."  --  Me
rk47
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Reply #23 on: June 11, 2009, 10:56:28 pm

Yeah i know, i had a playthrough once when i got below 5 on nashkel. I had to stealth a thief around just to turn in my quest reward. Every flaming fist merc I killed is -1. But those plates are worth 500g a piece  awesome, for real

When I was younger, I used to be a clumsy, slow and awkward girl.
However, just like the story of ugly duckling, people told me that I have really matured and changed over the years. I feel confident in my abilities now, and I'm eager to show you what I can do.

Why don't you get to know me a little better?
www.internetexplorertan.com/download
Goreschach
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Reply #24 on: June 11, 2009, 11:15:15 pm

Been a while since this forum had a worthwhile thread, but you just totally redeemed it.
Mosesandstick
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Reply #25 on: June 12, 2009, 05:22:53 am

 Heart
WindupAtheist
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Reply #26 on: June 12, 2009, 11:12:03 am

Nashkel really is the armpit of the Sword Coast. I swear this place gets to be more of a bumpkin shitheap everytime we pass through. We finally sat out to do some real proper burglary on the place, and let me tell you, it was slim pickings. Most of the place is a bunch of bullshit farmhouses. I could sell the deeds to these places and barely come up with enough cash to bother. There's exactly one rich-looking manor house in the entire town, so we set out to break in.

Lex picked the lock easily enough, and the household wasn't too glad to see the six of us come barging in. At least not until I exposed them to the Nythraxian Cloak of Mind Bending, after which they smiled as we helped ourselves to their valuables. Which, let me tell you, weren't very valuable. These guys might be "rich" by the standards of this hee-haw hellhole, but a few wizard scrolls for Mordak and a couple handfuls of coin aren't anything we're going to get excited about at this point.

We were tired though, so everyone sprawled out and put their feet up on the couches, and had the mindfucked homeowners bring us some snacks. I got bored pretty quick, so I decided to go check out the upstairs by myself. I come around the corner to a bedroom, and there's this girl maybe my age just standing there in the middle of the room with a look on her face like she just got caught stealing from the collection plate. She asks me what the hell I'm doing there, so I improvise.

"I know what you did, and it's time for you to die!" I scream this at her and wave my sword over my head, and the bitch zooms out of the room screaming at the top of her lungs. I was already bent over with laughter as she ran past me. I didn't really know what she was doing to have that guilty look on her face, at least not until her naked boyfriend burst out of the closet in a ridiculous boxing stance.

Oh yeah, this naked guy is gonna teach me a lesson. He's trained with the local dipshit guards for a whole two years, you see. I'll admit that two years ago I was still sneaking copies of Faerun Geographic out of the Candlekeep periodical section so I could fap at the pictures of topless wood elves, but I learned a lot more in my first three days of freedom than this retard was ever going to learn from these cowardly moron backwater guards.

Screenshot:
Also, I had plate armor and a giant sword while he was buck naked. I chopped him in half with ease. Go figure. When I got back downstairs everyone was still laughing hysterically, because apparently this girl came running down, saw her parents serving crumpets and tea to another bunch of dirty mercenaries, and (not realizing they were mindfucked) decided they were out to get rid of her for disgracing the family with her slutty ways. She kept shrieking "I'M SORRY!" as she ran out the front door. She apparently split out of town without daring to alert the guards, too, which was nice.

As we were walking out of town, I spied a tavern I had never been in before. I waited patiently for a moment, and to my surprise no one came walking up to tell me they were assassinating me. I was puzzled, so we went inside, and STILL we weren't laid into by any super talkative hired killers. Maybe we're finally thinning their ranks.

I ordered a beer just because it seemed like a novel change to order a beer in a new tavern without having to step over any dead bodies first, and this fat neckbeard who called himself Volo came up and started his routine. "Oh isn't this such a fine rustic tavern! Oh the charm of a small town! Would you like to hear my stories?" This guy was clearly enjoying the role of Jovial Tavern Guy, and way too much so for my tastes. I told him to cram his stories up his hairless blown-out asshole.

The guy has the gall to ask ME to leave. I did, but only after bending his mind with the cloak and telling him to get the bouncer's dick in his mouth no matter what he had to do. He's either gonna get an ass-kicking or a new best friend. Haw.

So we're on our way out of town, when this mage in a red robe comes up to us and tells us he wants to hire us to kill someone. I'm all ears. The "witch" the crazy guy with the gerbil fetish wanted to rescue like weeks ago? This guy wants her dead. I'm like... what does he think those gnolls are doing with her that she'd even still be alive in the first place? But fine, if she's already dead that just means I get a reward for doing nothing. Only problem is, the guy steadfastly REFUSES to even hint as to what this job of his pays.

One might think I should just say yes anyway since I'm already going there, but I don't countenance this sort of bullshit when it comes to dealmaking. What's more, the bitch COULD still be alive, and I don't know where she's being kept. It could be a lot of work getting her out, and I'm not signing on for that just so some chucklefuck can thank me and offer me my mystery prize of two gold pieces and an old boot at the end. I told the red mage to fuck off on principle.

Hmm, what else happened before we got out of sight of town? We met a man named Noober who followed us all across the field saying the most ignorant things over and over, refusing to leave us alone. Garrette thought he reminded him of Imoen without tits, which is even worse than just plain Imoen, so he reached back behind him and shot the guy in the face with his crossbow point-blank, without even turning around. It looked pretty awesome, and you could tell he had just been waiting for a chance to do that to someone.

Off into the forest with us, to find these gnolls.

(Whose Mary Sue is Volo? The guy is invincible. I tried killing him but even crits weren't doing any damage. Bullshit.)
« Last Edit: June 12, 2009, 02:19:36 pm by WindupAtheist »

"You're just a dick who quotes himself in his sig."  --  Schild
"Yeah, it's pretty awesome."  --  Me
Tebonas
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Reply #27 on: June 12, 2009, 12:04:23 pm

Volo is a traveling mage (writing down and selling his travel guides) who survived way to many things such a retard shouldn't survive up to the point that people think he might be the chosen of one of the gods. Which proves gods are indeed cruel and heartless.

He is the ingame voice that many of the Forgotten Realms sourcebooks are written in. The Baldurs Gate manual is "written" by him too, and the comments show that even Elminster hates him.
WindupAtheist
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Reply #28 on: June 12, 2009, 12:06:40 pm

One of these days we'll see if he can survive the insta-kill meatsplosion cheat. I don't have it set up on this install, but last time it wouldn't kill Elminster, so maybe it won't work on Volo either. Meh.

"You're just a dick who quotes himself in his sig."  --  Schild
"Yeah, it's pretty awesome."  --  Me
Lantyssa
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Reply #29 on: June 12, 2009, 01:00:35 pm

Probably not as a special guest NPC.  "Volo's Guide to" X was a series using him.  Or something like that.  I mean, even when I killed that silly dark elf who was upset I didn't help against a pack of gnolls he far outleveled apparently returned.

Hahahaha!  I'm really good at this!
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Reply #30 on: June 12, 2009, 01:29:37 pm

Great read, keep it up.

One must bow to offer aid to a fallen man - The Tao of Shinsei.
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Reply #31 on: June 12, 2009, 01:46:16 pm

Did you run into Biff the Understudy yet or did I miss it?
WindupAtheist
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Badicalthon


Reply #32 on: June 12, 2009, 02:08:54 pm

So we're trekking through the woods and everything is going fine. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and other than the odd kobold there's nothing to bother us. There's an old abandoned keep in the mountains to the west, and since that's probably where our gnolls are, we're headed that way. Sure enough the relative peace couldn't last.

We hear a bunch of little screams, and see a troop of little blue goblins rushing toward us. No big deal, but at the very same time some moron is trying to stick us up. He's got a friend backing him up from a distance, and he's telling us his friend is "the fastest dart thrower in the west" like that's scary or something. I'm like "Asshole, see the goblins?" but he's just going on about how great his friend is at throwing darts. Man, darts are a bitch weapon. Even Mordak laughs at darts and he can hardly stomach lifting any weapon heavier than a table knife.

So I just gave this dipshit a dose of the Nythraxian Cloak of Mind Bending and told him to go murder his retarded dart-tossing friend while me and my crew diced up the goblins. Once we finished with that simple task, we found the two would-be robbers in the middle of a bloody slugfest. The dart guy didn't seem to know what was wrong with his friend, and never found out as we fell upon them and hacked them asunder. Turns out the dart guy had some magical bracers that made him an ace with ranged weapons. Not that they helped him much. Heh. Gar and Lex did rock-paper-scissors for them and Gar won.

Oh, speaking of goblins, we had a very disturbing run-in shortly thereafter. We're trudging down the road when we see a kobold, an xvart, and a tasloi coming in the other direction like they're any plain old travelers. Weird enough that three different breeds would band together, but after we cleaved them into chunks and pilfered them, we found a little note that said "To Nythrax and friends from Larry, Darryl, and Darryl!" What the hell was that about? How did they know who I was? How did they know we'd be there? As far as we can tell they must have been assassins who were planning to track us down and kill us, and leave that note on our corpses as a calling card. Which doesn't make much sense as they were utterly trivial to kill. I guess if this Tazok is paying enough money, all sorts of idiot amateurs are going to take their shot. Yeah, that explains a lot.

It was several hours before our next run-in with anything, and when it came it was decidedly more pleasant. This half naked dryad comes running up to us out of the woods, and all the men's eyes pretty much jump out of their heads. I mean I guess she wasn't that great, but usually when someone comes running up to us they have a sword in each hand and a dog's head instead of a real head, or some shit like that, so we're easy to impress. I whistled and Vaere kicked me in the ass. I don't know what the hell her problem is.

So this dryad comes running up and the first words out of her mouth, in this little girly voice, are "Please, kind spirits, a wondrous ancient oak is in peril!" I immediately knew this was going to be some bullshit. Turns out a couple of the yokel hillbilly dipshits had decided her tree was full of treasure, and were going to chop it down. I'm not sure but I think this would kill her. I told her she had better hork up some cash if she wanted some muscle, and she was all like "I live in the forest, what the hell would I have gold for retard?" But I told her no pay means no slay and she started getting desperate.

Finally she told us that the birds had told her about a "shiny pile" hidden somewhere nearby. Rumors heard by crazy half-naked forest spirits out of the mouths of birds don't carry much weight with me, but unlike that mealy-mouthed wizard in Nashkel who wanted us to kill the witch for a totally undisclosed reward, I could see that this chick was telling us everything she could. So I told her I'd do it.

Like I said, a couple of real inbred fucks were planning on hacking the tree down because they thought it was full of gold. They invited us to join in for a cut, except this bitch lives in the forest so what the hell would she have gold for? We slaughtered them pretty easy, and the stupider of the two had a magic belt that repels blunt weapons. I let Korgrim have it. Then the dryad told us real bitchy like that the "shiny pile" was in a wolf cave a little bit to the south, then disappeared to wherever the hell she goes when she's not bothering people.

So we marched over to the cave, killed a couple of wolves, and sure enough it looked like the cave was originally a tomb. We ransacked the half-open coffin, and came out with a little gold, a few assorted knicknacks, and an enchanted halberd. Halberds really aren't my thing, but there are some creatures that can't be hurt by normal weapons and I didn't have any magical weapons yet, so I kept it. I probably won't use it unless we meet one of said creatures.

That was about it. We were attacked by a white wolf, and I remembered the shopkeeper in Nashkel saying he'd pay 500 gold for the pelt of one, so we skinned it. But we reached the old keep without further incident. Based on the shit and garbage strewn all over the place, I'm guessing the gnolls are in fact here.

Time to get in there and visit some legally unassailable havoc upon sentient beings. God I love the racism inherent in society.

(Nythrax and Korgrim ding 3. Editing a screeny of Nythrax versus the naked boyfriend into the prior post shortly. No, there has been no sign of Biff the Understudy. I haven't even played yet today. I've just been expanding last night's notes into story form here and there between other things. I'll probably play more tonight.)
« Last Edit: June 12, 2009, 02:25:41 pm by WindupAtheist »

"You're just a dick who quotes himself in his sig."  --  Schild
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Soln
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the opportunity for evil is just delicious


Reply #33 on: June 12, 2009, 02:20:28 pm

+1

Implicit ownership of wrecks
Ingmar
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Reply #34 on: June 12, 2009, 03:23:37 pm

Did you run into Biff the Understudy yet or did I miss it?

If he's playing a heavily bugfixed version its unlikely he'll run into Biff unless he kills a script NPC or whatever - Biff only shows up when the character who is supposed to deliver a given line in the script is dead or otherwise can't act (in BG1).

The Transcendent One: AH... THE ROGUE CONSTRUCT.
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