For the love of god, and all that is holy, avoid the new Indiana Jones movie.

[Phildo]

<spoler..s?>

Greaser... fencing... on the hood of a jeep moving through the jungle... when the path-clearing machine had been destroyed ten minutes ago?



New and improved Howard the Duck for the new Millenium: actual sex scene between Howard and Beverly!  They do it Ducky Style.

[Kitsune]

<spoilers don't matter for shitty movies>

No, worse.  Greaser fencing on the hood of a jeep moving through the jungle when the path-clearing machine had been destroyed ten minutes ago, while spending a solid minute completely helpless while stretched between two vehicles and holding his balls after they got smacked by a shrub and the evil Russian woman with the sword didn't think to run him through when presented with an opening wide enough to do doughnuts in the Titanic.

Meanwhile, every time the good guys got captured, they immediately became best friends with the bad guys.  Indy would promptly start volunteering valuable information, translating documents for them, etc.  And when Greedy McObviouslyevil is all, 'Hey, I wanna come with you guys!', they just kinda shrug and let him come.

And what the fuck is with that line, "Indy, I'll be okay." <wink> <die>  At that point in the movie I was too busy screaming inside to spend any of my precious few remaining neurons trying to figure it out.

[Raph]

I am going in intending to enjoy it, after carefully prepping my children for weeks with the older movies, Young Indy DVDs, and even old Indy paperback novels. I refuse to acknowledge flaws until afterwards. 

[Phildo]

There are some nice bones thrown to fans of the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles.  One or two, anyway.

[veredus]

So do all these bad reviews make it morally ok to pirate it? 

[Kitsune]

I am going in intending to enjoy it, after carefully prepping my children for weeks with the older movies, Young Indy DVDs, and even old Indy paperback novels. I refuse to acknowledge flaws until afterwards. 

You showed your kids the good stuff and are planning to take them to this?

You realize that they'll remember this when it's time to pick your nursing home, right?

Well, maybe they won't notice the crap, if they're super-young.  Swinging around on vines and being racked in the balls is sufficient to amuse children if they're young enough.

[Phildo]

The problems that we have with this won't matter a damn to a child.  So no worries there.  We're old nerds.

[stray]

I, too, hated Temple of Doom when I was a kid. If this is worse, then I'd expect at least some kids to notice.

[UnSub]

I'll still go watch this. Personally, "The Last Crusade" is a worse film than "Temple of Doom".

[Triforcer]

I'll still go watch this. Personally, "The Last Crusade" is a worse film than "Temple of Doom".

WTF?  Last Crusade is my favorite alltime movie.  Temple is barely watchable. 

[Rishathra]

I've honestly never understood the Temple of Doom hate.  Maybe it wasn't as good as Raiders, but what is?  "You betrayed Sheba!" is one of my favorite movie scenes ever.

Now, having said that, the expression on my face for about 70% of Crystal Skull alternated between and .  That was some seriously ham-fisted shit on display.  Either Spielberg has lost his touch or he's been drinking too much of Lucas' Kool Aid recently.  Even the little details, that in other movies would make nice touches, were overdone.  That shot of the Ark in the beginning, for example.  You could feel the cameraman thinking "Look!  See?  There's the Ark of the Covenant!  Remember, from the first movie?  Yeah, that one!  I think I'll linger on it for too long and frame it in the scene just so, so that you dumb asses get the reference!"

My other favorite moment was when Indy tells Mutt to get his own weapon, and what does he do?  Instead of manning THE FUCKING .50 CAL MOUNTED ON THE FRONT OF THE FUCKING VEHICLE, he pulls out... a sword.  Yeah.  Good choice, kid.

[Slyfeind]

None of this stuff makes less sense than the zombie blood in Temple of Doom, or the bizarre roller-coaster mine cart in the temple, or the evil monkey in "Raiders," or Sean Connery being Ford's father, even though Connery is only like five years older, or Harrison Ford's ridiculous comic-relief Scottish Lord bit in "Last Crusade" or the creepiness about the girl fucking both the father and the son, or the ancient knight guarding the grail, or the fact that the girl in "Last Crusade" was a nazi being telegraphed as soon as she walked on screen, or Indiana Jones meeting Hitler, or Marcus catching a mean case of mental retardation between "Raiders" and "Last Crusade," or Connery shooting down a plane by scaring ducks with his umbrella, or the stupid riddles to get past the booby traps guarding the Holy Grail, or the invisible bridge, or the Holy Grail curing Connery's wounds, or the convenient earthquake swallowing the grail, or pretty much the whole last half-hour of "Last Crusade."

Quoted For Muther Fucking Truth. People have a hard time with interdimensional aliens, but they're okay with the holy fucking grail or God shooting lasers at Nazis? Um whut?

If people liked the ape-shit action and contradictory supernatural of the first three movies, then they'll like Indy 4.

[Phildo]

I can't find the right way to articulate how wrong it felt having Indiana Jones be Science Fiction.

[Merusk]

I've honestly never understood the Temple of Doom hate.  Maybe it wasn't as good as Raiders, but what is?  "You betrayed Sheba!" is one of my favorite movie scenes ever.

As we've covered in one or two other movie threads, the hate is directed at the early acts of the movie - particularly the club scene - and Kate Capshaw in particular.  To call her character unnecessary and mind-bendingly awful is being generous.  Goddamn, when I watched it over the last few weekends I wanted a "special edition" where her hammy screams are just cut the fuck out of the soundtrack.

Parts that she's not in?  Not bad.  It's a case of a few really irritating parts bringing the whole down.

[Slyfeind]

As we've covered in one or two other movie threads, the hate is directed at the early acts of the movie - particularly the club scene - and Kate Capshaw in particular.  To call her character unnecessary and mind-bendingly awful is being generous.  Goddamn, when I watched it over the last few weekends I wanted a "special edition" where her hammy screams are just cut the fuck out of the soundtrack.

Parts that she's not in?  Not bad.  It's a case of a few really irritating parts bringing the whole down.

I remember not minding her when I was little. She was just another Indy girl to me. Then I got the DVD collection for my birthday a few months ago, watched it again, and hate-hate-hated her. I was cool with the club scene, but she should have died on the end of a shish-kebab so Indy and his little pal could go on their fun adventure without her.

[Venkman]

Half of the angst seems rooted in the lack of background knowledge of the lore. It doesn't match up with two things a good chunk of the world has at least heard of, regardless of their beliefs (10 Commandment Tablets, Grail). And while Temple of Doom had some preposterous circumstances, what I felt was missing from that movie more than anything else was the BigImpressiveThing that was the end of the first Indy movie.

This one's fine. It's a fun ride if you can forget the 20 years of changes to expectations for movies, and pretty much forget the details of the other three. Certainly easier to that with this IP than the other one.

[UnSub]

I'll still go watch this. Personally, "The Last Crusade" is a worse film than "Temple of Doom".

WTF?  Last Crusade is my favorite alltime movie.  Temple is barely watchable. 

"Temple" is better put together than "Crusade" and, apart from Kate Capshaw, has less hokey crap in it than "Crusade" imo.

I'll probably go off and see the latest Indy film today. Rant / review later, if it's worth it.

[Slyfeind]

This Just In: Commies mad at Lucasfilm.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080523/film_nm/russia_indianajones_dc

Isn't Harrison Ford banned from Tibet already? Soon all of Asia will declare war on him. The crowd control on this will be interesting....

[Venkman]

That article is full of win. I couldn't make this up.

propaganda that distorts history

Read: A= fiction bad.

Our movie-goers are teenagers who are completely unaware of what happened in 1957... They will go to the cinema and will be sure that in 1957 we made trouble for the United States and almost started a nuclear war

Read: B= because we don't trust our own educational system to teach kids the difference?

In 1957 the communists did not run with crystal skulls throughout the U.S.

Read: A+B= because we can't tell the difference?

[Phildo]

At what point in the movie does it say that the Russians were threatening nuclear war?  I'm pretty sure it only shows the US making a fuss over The Bomb.

[UnSub]

At what point in the movie does it say that the Russians were threatening nuclear war?  I'm pretty sure it only shows the US making a fuss over The Bomb.

The Crystal Skull is meant to create a weapon to supercede the nuclear bomb.

Back from seeing it. Not worth ranting or praising, but it was an okay film with some horrible parts (swinging through the jungle ala George, for instance, or having punch-to-the-nuts humour; my biggest problem were the guys who apparently just hang around underground to chase any visitors to their graveyard and / or temple). I watched it as a pulp film, so having the supernatural element didn't bother me.

[Abagadro]

Based on this thread (and I avoided the spoilery parts) I went in with very low expectation and still thought that it stunk on ice.  As my wife said over dinner after the show, we need to go watch a good movie to cleanse our palates.  The hokey stuff in the earlier movies was acceptable because those were good movies. Hokey stuff in bad movies just makes you focus even more on its badness.


EDIT: Oh, and one funny thing. At least here in Utah people have a tendency to clap at the end of good movies, particularly in a packed house on opening weekend (don't ask me why). After this there was stone silence followed by a couple half-hearted claps and some actual hissing. Too funny.

[Murgos]

Some of the audience actually clapped after the showing I went too.

Overall I thought it stunk, but not unbearably so, I won't be rushing out to pre-order the DVD or anything, it just wasn't as bad as Lucas last effort (which isn't saying much).

If the Alien was just waiting to get his head back before leaving then why didn't he leave 500 years ago before the spanish dude stole it?  NM, I don't really care.

[schild]

I'm more excited to hear the remastered (possibly re-recorded?) indy music at the beginning than the movie itself.

[Phildo]

Also, why bother collecting all the priceless artifacts if they're just going to be destroyed when they leave anyway?

[NiX]

When the credits rolled the reaction of almost everyone in the theater was "Wait, what?" I, of course, said "Fucking lucas" a little too loud. Much like I said "He's black!?" about Nick Fury at the end of Iron Man.

I want my childhood back.

[Evildrider]

The new Indy was utter trash. 

Even the new Hulk movie can't be worse that that.

[Phildo]

Oh yeah, I just remembered.  I fucking hate wedding endings.

[Broughden]

Also, why bother collecting all the priceless artifacts if they're just going to be destroyed when they leave anyway?

Uh they werent destroyed. They were broken down into their component sub-atomic particles in order to be worm holed through the inter-dimensional doorway. They will be re-assembled on the other side.

Wow you guys really didnt get this movie.

Anyway I saw it Saturday and thoroughly enjoyed. Its not an artsy film...its a summer action hero movie. Stop thinking so much and enjoy it.


It was no worse than Ironman in his desert cave built suit with the big fucking holes cut in the helmet being able to withstand being shot at so much (without a single one coming through the helmet eye slot) and then plummeting 300 feet out of the air into the ground. And oh yeah rather than modern surgery using x-rays to remove the metal shards, we instead have a pocket fusion machine running a magnet to keep them out of his heart.  ie its not reality.

[Jeff Kelly]

Suspension of Disbelief only goes so far and it has different limits depending on the universe.

Indy 4 was so over the top ridiculous that I had a very hard time suspending my disbelief.

Nobody survives a nuclear bomb at that distance. Indy should have been deep fried in that refrigerator.
If the box is magnetic enough to pull gunpowder out of the air at distance of more than 100 meters then nobody should be able to handle anything magnetic in close distance to the box (Think MRI levels of magnetism) let alone that all of that crap is physically impossible and that the "magnetic field" turned off and on again if it was convenient.
Explain to me how they got the crystal skull in the first place since YOU NEEDED THAT SKULL TO OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR to get inside
That whole stupid amazonian car chasing scene with cars that use tree branches to drop to rivers, people that use swords to fight when there are perfectly acceptable autocannons available, people surviving a drop down the Iguazu waterfalls, the whole stupid "I'm a russian spy, no I'm not, yes I am, no I'm not" story line. Tarzan on speed.

I don't get it why every fucking Spielberg movie that is not about nazis must have some sort of Aliens instead.

[ahoythematey]

The aliens make sense from a 50's pulp sci-fi view, so don't act stupid and start hating the movie for the right reasons; there are plenty to choose.

[Abagadro]

I've figured out one of the things that bugged me so much. The other movies were goofy as hell but they were all somewhat internally consistent. This atrocity has no internally consistent logic whatsoever. You add that to the general way Lucas can fuck up just about anything and you have this pile.

[Phildo]

Wow, I had managed to forget about the A-Bomb scene and the magnet thing.  This bothered me so much while watching the film that I must have blocked them out.

And yes, I had problems with Iron Man for the same reasons you mentioned Broughden, but on the whole it was a MUCH better film than Indy 4.  As Abagadro just said, Indy lacked consistency while Iron Man was pretty much made of it.

[Strazos]

Much like I said "He's black!?" about Nick Fury at the end of Iron Man.

I want my childhood back.

Ultimate Nick Fury. Much cooler than the Hasselhoff version.

[Merusk]

Just saw it.  It wasn't anywhere near as horrible as folks are making it out to be.  It wasn't good, but it wasn't "Manos: The Hands of Fate" like some are making it out to be.  I had a good time for my $5 and that's what I was after.  Now there were SOME things that bothered me about it, yes.

For example, the fridge thing was over the top.  Even after showing the "lead-lined" sticker, I wasn't expecting it to turn into a projectile that travels a few miles but only roughs Indy up a bit.   

The inconsistency with the magnetism bothered the fuck out of me, though.  One minute it's hypermagnetic, the next it's not.  It'll pull gunpowder out of the air, and make dogtags come out of shirts to hover, but won't affect bullet trajectories or rip guns from hands.  Oh, and when it was behind the wood it wasn't able to affect crowbars, but move that protective 3/4" of planking and KLANG... 

Really, though, the part that bothered me most was that Lucas and Spielberg have both forgotten how to make movies.  They were originally the guys saying "The story comes before the effects" and "Effects should enhance the story not be it."  Now that we see what they both do with 'unlimited' budgets, I understand that was just the rationalization of poor men who couldn't afford big flashy effects in the 70s.

 Some of the shit that happened was obviously ONLY for the effects and to show off Lucasfilm's latest CGI crap.  And that's what it was, crap.  Hell, The Mummy did the bug scene better 10 years ago with lesser CGI. And with more consistency about squishing of the bugs.