For the love of god, and all that is holy, avoid the new Indiana Jones movie.

[Kitsune]

It touched me in my bathing suit area.  And not in a good way.

 

[schild]

More detail plz. Thanks.

Unless Indy fucks a kid, in that case, flat out say it and I'll stay away.

[Tebonas]

Since its clear as soon as they open the box at the beginning:


Kitsune is right, fuck that shit.

[lac]

They say they spend 20 years looking for a good script and that is what they come up with?

[Sairon]

Hehe, remember that Frank Darabont wrote a script which he and Spielberg agreed one was going to become one of the best films ever, George Lucas on the other hand didn't quite agree and scraped it for this.

[schild]

God I hate that chubby noneck fuckbag.

[Tebonas]

There was another script that was ditched for this? Lucas is the Midas of shit. Everything he touches gets crappy.

[Kitsune]

There was a scene that had a character swinging from vine to vine through a jungle.  Not like they were hanging on one vine and needed to reach another, I mean they were traveling at high speed by vine-swinging like fucking Spider-Man in the jungle.

That alone should really say enough, but let me say more:

Everything that happened in this movie was telegraphed at least two minutes in advance.  At no point was a single cliche avoided.  A dozen Russians fired at the heroes from ten feet away with automatic weapons and didn't hit anything.  Indiana survived a fall even more gratuitously fatal than the one in the Iron Man movie without any harm.  The whole thing had to do with crappy aliens.  Characters were thrown in without any reason to actually give a fuck about them, and other characters would just attach to them for no better reason than because the writer wanted them to.

I can handle an indestructible pulp action hero just fine, but the thing that really got me about the movie was that everything happened for no better reason than because George Lucas said so.  Pick up a useless sidekick kid?  Lucas said so.  Hook back up with the woman from Raiders without laying eyes on her in twenty years and decide that you love her after all?  Lucas said so.  Have to clear out centuries of cobwebs to reach a place that someone else had supposedly visited a month prior?  Lucas said so.

They had twenty years to come up with a worthy successor to the excellent originals, and this shit was the best they could do?

[ahoythematey]

Nevermind, Kitsune summed it up pretty nicely.  Time to drink more and black out the bad memories.

[Kitsune]

Nothing gelled because none of it was written to make even a scrap of sense.  The movie was basically Lucas sitting down in front of a piece of paper and writing "Things I think would look cool in a movie."  Beneath that, he wrote a list.  He then handed the list to a screenwriter, who strung the items on the list together and called it finished.  I'm being serious here, this statement is not green and is minimally exaggerated.  Rather than being a decent writer and trying to write an actual story with things like character motivations, he scattershotted a bunch of action scenes onto the thing and then tried to build a plot around them.

[Margalis]

The final script is a Frankenstein's monster made up of a few other scripts.

Usually when a studio spends a long time "looking for a script" what it means is that the studio did a bunch of rewrites and competing versions based on the idiotic feedback of dumbshit producers and execs, then hires someone to put them all in a blender and make a final version that makes everyone happy by including all their pet ideas at the expense of quality.

[lamaros]

So is it better than I Am Legend, or not? 

[Tebonas]

There IS a additional scene that makes I am Legend a better movie. I don't know if that would work here...

[murdoc]

 

[bhodi]

If it's so bad, why is it doing so well on RT?

[Trippy]

The "heavy hitters" currently have it at 64%.

[SnakeCharmer]

This thread makes me cry.

That bad, eh?  Just reading some of the spoilers here is enough....

[crawford]

64% is really low for Spielberg.

The fanboy types are going to expect this movie to be the second coming of Christ, and they'll get petulant that it isn't. 

None of this stuff makes less sense than the zombie blood in Temple of Doom, or the bizarre roller-coaster mine cart in the temple, or the evil monkey in "Raiders," or Sean Connery being Ford's father, even though Connery is only like five years older, or Harrison Ford's ridiculous comic-relief Scottish Lord bit in "Last Crusade" or the creepiness about the girl fucking both the father and the son, or the ancient knight guarding the grail, or the fact that the girl in "Last Crusade" was a nazi being telegraphed as soon as she walked on screen, or Indiana Jones meeting Hitler, or Marcus catching a mean case of mental retardation between "Raiders" and "Last Crusade," or Connery shooting down a plane by scaring ducks with his umbrella, or the stupid riddles to get past the booby traps guarding the Holy Grail, or the invisible bridge, or the Holy Grail curing Connery's wounds, or the convenient earthquake swallowing the grail, or pretty much the whole last half-hour of "Last Crusade."

[Merusk]

Since its clear as soon as they open the box at the beginning:


Kitsune is right, fuck that shit.

Um.. you DO know that's the whole legend of the real Crystal Skulls, right?  That'd be why it's the premise here.  Fuck, it's not even like they keep it a seceret, since it's mentioned in the latest trailer/ tv commercial by Nazi-chick.

Nothing lives up to childhood memories.  NOTHING.  If they released Raiders or Last Crusade today you all would bitch in the same manner.  (As Crawford shows...) Get over it, turn off the brain and watch the movie.  Lord knows that's what I'll do.

[Salamok]

They had twenty years to come up with a worthy successor to the excellent originalsmovies 1 and 3, and this shit was the best they could do?

fixed for you

[sigil]

Agreed, even as a kid, Temple of Doom was a big load of fail. Although I wouldn't have used that more modern meme to describe it as such ;)

[Kitsune]

Nothing lives up to childhood memories.  NOTHING.  If they released Raiders or Last Crusade today you all would bitch in the same manner.  (As Crawford shows...) Get over it, turn off the brain and watch the movie.  Lord knows that's what I'll do.

Incorrect.  All three movies were watched this week, marathon-style.  Raiders and Last Crusade both held up fine.  Temple of Doom, well.  Was my least favorite to begin with.

[ahoythematey]

Temple of Doom was hated back in the day, but I still consider all three pretty awesome.  Same cannot be said for Crystal Skull.  I didn't hate the movie, but I dare any fan of the other movies to watch this and not be disappointed.  Not only did it not live up to the unreasonable hype surrounding it, but it just wasn't good.  Everything about the concept makes sense in the Indiana Jones world, and yes all that mystery about the crystal skull is inspired by real speculation, but a motherfucking greaser doing tarzan shit?  Fuck that.  Indiana Jones spouting off goofball one-liners instead of presenting himself as just plain irritated at the outrageousness of the situation?  Fuck that.  Shia as the heir?  FUCK THAT.

I am probably the biggest Spielberg fanboy here at these boards and I am having a hard time trying to defend this movie as anything more than mediocre summer fare.

[crawford]

Shia is no worse than River Phoenix as young Indy in the opening of Last Crusade.

[Tale]

[Trippy]

This thread makes me cry.

That bad, eh?  Just reading some of the spoilers here is enough....

It's not that bad.

[Phildo]

It's pretty awful.  I liked the Nazca angle, but space aliens... area 51... all The Mummy references.

What redeemed this movie for me, at least until the second half, was Janitor from Scrubs.

[stu]

You mean, the janitor from The Fugitive?!?



Kinda cool that he's in this. I'll keep an eye out since I won't be able to resist watching this movie.

Shia is no worse than River Phoenix as young Indy in the opening of Last Crusade.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I always thought River Phoenix was a pretty solid actor.

[Logik]

SPOILER: Snape kills Dumbledore.

Real Spoilers:
Seriously though, about five minutes into the movie, you realize that it's all downhill from here, and you better buckle up.  If I had to take a stab at it, I'd say that the stupid peaks with the vine scene.  From there, it's a denouement of retardation to the end.   Kitsune even left out some of the more horrid parts, like the monkeys, or the goddamn refrigerator scene.  Not to mention the "riddle" that took Jones all of ten seconds to solve--and that's including the time spent translating the text from some ridiculous dead language into Mayan. 

The characters are all pretty worthless as well.  Shia LaBeouf is gut-stabbingly terrible--as he has been in pretty much every movie--and brings nothing to the table except to serve as a deux ex machina to bring an old love-interest into the story.  Mac is written poorly and feels exactly like Elsa from Last Crusade--christ on the cross, we get it, he's obsessed with treasure.  What's even more annoying is that they made Jones a former OSS officer just to flesh out some worthless scenes with this character.  It doesn't help; the viewer still feels disconnected from whatever bond they're supposed to have.  Marion is interesting for about two minutes until she's disarmed by a charming Indy line; she spends the rest of the movie with a vapid smile on her face acting like $Lucas_love_interest[6].  It leaves you to wonder if the script only had those first few lines for her.  I imagine Lucas interrupting filming to say, "No!  No!  Look more wistful and fall back in love with the man who left you pregnant!  Hurry, the movie's almost over!"  There are a few characters left to assassinate, but honestly, it's not worth the time--just assume they're all bad.


Coming away from this movie, the only comforting thought you'll have is that at least George Lucas is done raping your childhood.

[stu]

Good thing he fucked Howard the Duck right off the bat then.

[Jeff Kelly]

Oh God, can I please have those two hours of my life back.

[Signe]

I always wait for the DvD.  I am almost never disappointed.  I either get to see a good film or I get a good nap.  I like both.

[Mazakiel]

As psyched as I've been to see this, when I heard way back when that Lucas was heavily involved, I worried, and that's been in the back of my mind the whole time since.  And rightfully so, it seems.  All the same, I won't be able to stay away. 

[HaemishM]

Coming away from this movie, the only comforting thought you'll have is that at least George Lucas is done raping your childhood.

Do NOT underestimate the powers of Jabba NostalgiaRaper.

[sigil]

He could do a reimagined version with a CGI Howard that would just melt your brain into a small pile of melted poprocks.