Shockeye's Useless News

[Shockeye]

It seems Fitness Made Simple will continue. What a shame.

[stray]

John Basedow is a droid. Of course he can't die.

[HaemishM]

He's so fit, he swam his way back from Thailand!

[sidereal]

I guess I'm happy.

[Shockeye]

It seems the internet can teach you many things, including self-castration.

Nev. Man Castrates Himself to Lower Libido

RENO, Nev. - A 50-year-old Reno man who was hospitalized after he castrated himself told police he learned of the procedure on the Internet and did so to lower his libido. The man, whose name was not released, called 911 at about 1:30 a.m. Monday and asked for help because he could not stop the bleeding from a self-castration operation, police said.

Reno police and medics responded to the man's home and he was taken by ambulance to the hospital.

Washoe Medical Center officials cited privacy issues on why they could not release any information on the man, including his condition. But police said hospital officials confirmed Wednesday the man successfully castrated himself.

"The man obviously needs some sort of counseling," Reno police Lt. Ron Donnelly told the Reno Gazette-Journal.

[Train Wreck]

Alright, which one of y'all made this up?

[Shockeye]

"What's the worst I've ever done? Dance on a table? Like, get drunk and dance on a table, what's so bad about that?"

Tara Reid swears flashing her breast was accident

Associated Press
Jan. 21, 2005 08:57 AM

NEW YORK - Tara Reid says she had no idea she was flashing the paparazzi when the strap of her dress slipped off her left shoulder as she walked the red carpet at Sean "P. Diddy" Combs' 35th birthday party last year.

"I swear to you, I had no idea that had happened," Reid said in an interview Thursday on the syndicated entertainment TV show "Access Hollywood." Excerpts were released in advance.

"I had a fur coat on, so when I took the coat off, the coat was heavy, and the strap came out with the coat. They were like, 'Tara, let me see the dress, let me see the dress.' ... I didn't see the strap fall down, so I'm smiling like an idiot. ... Then, when someone came up to me, I was like, 'Oh, I'm so embarrassed!' "

 The 29-year-old actress said she was upset at the photographers' reaction to her wardrobe malfunction.

"I just hated that the paparazzi were high-fiving each other and laughing," she said. "It was so cruel. But it happened and ... you move on."

Reid also said she doesn't understand why she's labeled a party girl.

"What's the worst I've ever done? Dance on a table? Like, get drunk and dance on a table, what's so bad about that?"

Reid added that now that she's getting older, she's "calming down a lot."

[Shockeye]

"Ole, why is Bush worshipping Satan?" "Probably because all Americans are evil, Lena."

Norwegians Confused by Bush Salute

Fri Jan 21, 8:55 AM ET   

OSLO, Norway - Many Norwegian television viewers were shocked to see U.S. President George W. Bush (news - web sites) and family apparently saluting Satan during the U.S. inauguration.

But in reality, it was just a sign of respect for the University of Texas Longhorns, whose fans are known to shout out "Hook 'em, horns!" at athletic events.

The president and family were photographed lifting their right hands with their index and pinky fingers raised up, much like a horn.

But in much of the world those "horns" are a sign of the devil. In the Nordics, the hand gesture is popular among death metal and black metal groups and fans.

"Shock greeting from Bush daughter," a headline in the Norwegian Internet newspaper Nettavisen said late Wednesday above a photograph of Bush's daughter, Jenna, smiling and showing the sign.

Bush, a former Texas governor, was simply greeting the Texas Longhorn marching band as it passed during a Washington D.C. parade in the president's honor, explained Verdens Gang, Norway's largest newspaper.

Just the same, the Internet was abuzz Thursday with speculation about what the Bushes really mean by the sign.

[HaemishM]

I just want to see the Bush family do a cover of "Shout at the Devil" one time.

[Shockeye]

Something to help pass the time at work.

[Calantus]

I want your job Shockeye, 20 seconds sounds like a nice work-week to me.

[Shockeye]

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was rolled up and smoked.

Holy rollers stopped
Used pages from Bibles to make their cigarettes
By FRANK LANDRY, LEGISLATURE REPORTER

 Holy smokes! Inmates at Headingley Correctional Centre have had their prison-issued Bibles confiscated because too many pages were being ripped from the books and used as rolling papers.

The jail is supposed to be smoke free.

"We're a little bit surprised (inmates) would go to such lengths to try and make a home-made cigarette," said Cathy Sandney, the jail's superintendent.

Sandney said Bibles used to be available for inmates in the living quarters of the prison -- including cell blocks, dorms and common areas. About two weeks ago the chaplains asked for the books to be removed after it was learned Bibles were being defaced and pages were going up in smoke, she said.

Inmates wanting a copy of the Good Book must now ask for it from chaplains, who assess whether the Scriptures will be read or burned, Sandney said.

Tory justice critic Kelvin Goertzen said he finds burning Bibles offensive, but taking away the scriptures is not the answer.

Goertzen said Justice Minister Gord Mackintosh should have hired additional staff to crack down on prison puffers when Headingley and other provincial jails went smoke free in 2003.

"It's a foolish NDP government system where you can get crack pipes on the street for free if you're a cocaine addict but you can't have access to Bibles in prison anymore," Goertzen said.

SUPPORTS CRACKDOWN

Mackintosh declined to comment on the situation at Headingley, saying he was unfamiliar with what's been going on. A spokesman later said Mackintosh supports the crackdown.

The Winnipeg Sun first reported in December inmates in Manitoba's provincial jails were getting around a smoking ban by making "tobacco" from nicotine chewing-pieces and used tea leaves.

Rolling papers are fashioned from pages ripped out of Bibles, apparently because the paper is thin and burns well.

Sandney said guards have never caught an inmate puffing on a holy smoke, but defaced Bibles and a spike in tea bag sales is evidence it's happening. If an inmate is nabbed, they could be forced to pay for the book or even be charged for damaging government property, she said.

Goertzen said tougher sanctions are needed to discourage inmates from smoking.

Headingley inmate Robert Mayo said the jail's policy is an assault on his religious freedom.

Mayo, who is awaiting trail for a violent home invasion, said many prisoners are afraid to ask for copies because they will be ridiculed by other inmates. He's been lending out a personal copy.

"If you take away the written word of the Lord, where else is there to turn?" Mayo said.

Graham Stewart, executive director of the John Howard Society of Canada -- a prisoners' rights group -- said it seems the provincial jail had no choice but to implement the Bible ban.

"We know chaplains have very few resources in prisons -- practically none," Stewart said. "If this was becoming a significant cost factor than they're doing what they have to do to preserve that resource."

[Shockeye]

I guess De Niro can't stop making sequels.

January 21, 2005 --  ROBERT De Niro has confirmed he's in talks with Martin Scorsese about a possible sequel to their classic "Taxi Driver." The acting legend, who starred as crazed cabbie Travis Bickle in the gritty 1976 masterpiece, says he and Scorsese have been mulling over script ideas. De Niro, 61, recently told journalists: "I was talking with Martin Scorsese about doing what I guess you'd call a sequel to 'Taxi Driver,' where he is older." The reunion would come just in time for De Niro, whose reputation is eroding with critically panned films like "Meet the Fockers."

[Shockeye]

It's official: Pokemon causes cancer.

Oncogene Plays a Critical Role in Tumor Formation

NEW YORK, January 20, 2005 - Scientists at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center (MSKCC) have identified a new cellular oncogene essential for the development of cancer. Oncogenes are genes that, when mutated or dysfunctional, lead normal cells to become cancerous. The investigators have named the gene POKEMON (for POK Erythroid Myeloid Ontogenic factor). The work is being published in the January 20, 2005, issue of Nature.

"There are a number of genes that can cause cancer, the so-called oncogenes, but Pokemon is unique in that it is needed for other oncogenes to cause cancer." said MSKCC cancer geneticist Pier Paolo Pandolfi, MD, PhD, the senior author of the study. "More important, because the Pokemon protein plays such a crucial role in the formation of cancer, it could prove to be an effective target for new drug therapies."

Pokemon works by controlling the pathways that are required to transform normal cells to cancerous ones. The researchers found that when they "knocked out" the Pokemon gene in mice, that transformation was blocked and cells do not become cancerous. (Knocking out a gene means inactivating it through genetic engineering.) A drug that could block the protein's function in the same way could be a powerful anticancer agent.

"Pokemon is a main switch in the molecular network that leads toward cancer," Dr. Pandolfi added. "If we could turn Pokemon off, it may block this oncogenic circuitry and stall the malignant process."

The investigators confirmed Pokemon's cancer-causing role by inserting the oncogene into mice. Pokemon does its damage by repressing the function of other proteins, including a tumor suppressor called ARF. The mice developed aggressive, fatal forms of lymphoma. In further work, using a technique called tissue micro arrays to study tumor samples from people with many types of cancer, they confirmed that Pokemon is present in very high levels in certain types of B-cell and T-cell lymphomas. They also found that tumors with high levels of Pokemon protein were much more likely to be aggressive.

"Pokemon is a member of a family of proteins that are known to be transcription factors and are mutated in human cancer," said Takahiro Maeda, MD, PhD, a postdoctoral research fellow in Dr. Pandolfi's laboratory who was the paper's first author. "It is likely that the protein plays a role in solid tumors as well, and we now have means to specifically interfere with the activity of these transcription factors."

Other authors on the paper were Robin M. Hobbs, PhD; Taha Merghoub, PhD; Ilhem Guernah, MS; Carlos Cordon-Cardo, MD, PhD; and Julie Teruya-Feldstein, MD from MSKCC; and Arthur Zelent, PhD, of the Institute of Cancer Research in the United Kingdom. The work was supported in part by a grant from the National Cancer Institute.

Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center is the world's oldest and largest institution devoted to prevention, patient care, research and education in cancer. Our scientists and clinicians generate innovative approaches to better understand, diagnose and treat cancer. Our specialists are leaders in biomedical research and in translating the latest research to advance the standard of cancer care worldwide.

Yes, long article for a rather poor joke. Thank you for playing.

[Train Wreck]

"...Dr. Pandolfi added. "If we could turn Pokemon off, it may block this oncogenic circuitry and stall the malignant process."

Does this really surprise anybody?  I've always known that turning Pokemon off, or at least changing the channel, was beneficial to my health.

[Shockeye]

Razors, staples, and needles. Oh my!

'Copycat' charged in McD's scheme
Cops say man placed objects in sandwich, then claimed injury
Thursday, January 20, 2005
By Michaelangelo Conte
Journal staff writer

WEST NEW YORK - A Cliffside Park man has been charged with cutting his own mouth with a razor and stuffing his McDonald's chicken sandwich with staples and a paper clip in an apparent copycat attempt to cash in with a lawsuit against the company, officials said.

The incident follows a lawsuit filed earlier this month by Beatriz Bermeo of North Bergen against the same Bergenline Avenue McDonald's, in which she claims she ingested five needles that were inside her chicken sandwich.

 At about 2 p.m. Tuesday, West New York police arrested Jose Rodriguez, 48, and charged him with supplying a false report to law enforcement and tampering with or fabricating evidence, Capt. Robert Antolos said.

Police responding to a call of someone biting into a sandwich containing a sharp object arrived at the McDonald's to find Rodriguez bleeding from the mouth, Antolos said.

Rodriguez had created a scene in the restaurant, showing other customers and police the sandwich, which had staples and a paper clip protruding from it, Antolos said.

Rodriguez was taken to Palisade Medical Center while police began an investigation in which "evidence was recovered at the scene indicating that this new incident was nothing but a scam," Antolos said.

The investigation revealed that Rodriguez ordered a chicken sandwich and took it into the restroom, where he bit into it and spit the portion out into the garbage, Antolos said.

He then placed a row of staples and a bent paper clip into the middle of the sandwich and rewrapped it, Antolos said.

Finally, he took out a razor blade and used it to cut the inside of his mouth before discarding the blade in the garbage, Antolos said.

Rodriguez then walked back into the restaurant, sat down at a table and faked biting the sandwich before pretending to have been cut, Antolos said.

Armed with the evidence, police visited Rodriguez at the hospital and gave him another chance to say what happened, but he gave them the same story, Antolos said.

They then showed him the evidence against him and he admitted he had fabricated the story, Antolos said.

Rodriguez was arrested and his fingerprints and mug shot were taken in the hospital before he was released on his own recognizance to receive treatment for the cut in his mouth, which was serious enough to require stitches, Antolos said.

He said the investigation leading to Rodriguez's arrest used procedures put in place at the restaurant in consultation with police in the aftermath of the Bermeo incident.

Antolos would not comment on whether video security cameras were employed. The case against Rodriguez is to be presented to a grand jury.

Bermeo's lawsuit alleges that on Dec. 29 she was in the restaurant when she bit into a sandwich and pain shot through her, said her attorney, Rosemarie Arnold of Fort Lee.

Bermeo clutched at her throat, thinking she was choking, and her husband opened her mouth, saw two needles stuck in her, and pulled them out, Arnold said.

Bermeo was taken to Palisades Medical Center, where three more needles were surgically removed from her digestive tract, Arnold said, adding that Bermeo spent three days in the hospital before her release. She is suing McDonald's for an unspecified sum, Arnold said.

A criminal investigation is actively being pursued into all aspects of the Bermeo incident, Antolos said yesterday. Antolos credited Detectives Ed Monty, Ray Hernandez and Victor Martinez for the teamwork that led to a quick determination of what happened on Tuesday.

"Hopefully this will stem any copycat crimes," Antolos said.

[Shockeye]

I guess an "X" wasn't enough. Next time make sure to write, "This one dumbass."

Dancer's Surgery On Wrong Knee Despite "X" Marking

"X" did not mark the spot where a New York surgeon performed knee surgery on a dance director and choreographer.

A New York hospital and the New York Rangers' hockey team doctor have been ordered to pay $450,000 to Douglas Hall, who had surgery on the wrong knee.

Hall went to St. Vincent's Hospital in November 2001 for arthroscopic surgery on his right knee. Despite marking the right knee with an "X," Doctor Andrew Feldman operated on the left knee.

The parties disagree on how the mix-up happened.

The defense is asking for a reduction or dismissal of the jury award.

Hall, a dancer for 20 years before becoming a choreographer, is now studying drama production.

[Shockeye]

Going to the grocery store for food is so last millenium. Right Boog?

Student Skins, Cooks Pet Store Animals In Class

POSTED: 10:41 am EST January 21, 2005

THOMPSON, Ohio -- The principal of a high school in Ohio is promising to change the guidelines of a living skills class -- after a student skinned and cooked a rabbit and a Guinea pig in class.
 
The principal said the 16-year-old prepared the animals on Wednesday , adding that the student said he got the teacher's approval.

Now police in the town, which is north of Cleveland, are investigating the matter, as are officials from the humane society. A humane officer said, "Something irrational and wrong happened" -- and added that the agency may bring animal cruelty charges.

However, the principal said the boy's actions aren't criminal.

The animals were bought at a pet store. The student who cooked them said he killed them at home before bringing them to school.

[Train Wreck]

Student Skins, Cooks Pet Store Animals In Class

Now police in the town, which is north of Cleveland, are investigating the matter, as are officials from the humane society. A humane officer said, "Something irrational and wrong happened" -- and added that the agency may bring animal cruelty charges.

Another indication that America is becoming pussified.  So much for trying to appear to be strong to our enemies.

Granted, purchasing them from a pet shop rubs me the wrong way.

[Shockeye]

Completely SFW site with a funny name. Just thought I'd share.

[Shockeye]

Step 1. Die
Step 2. Have obituary published
Step 3. Slam hockey lockout

Blast from the grave: Hockey fan slams lockout in own obit

January 21, 2005

OTTAWA (AP) -- An ardent hockey fan who died this week used his obituary to denounce the NHL lockout.

Archie Bennitz, 84, instructed his son to criticize NHL commissioner Gary Bettman and union leader Bob Goodenow in his death notice.

Bennitz called Bettman and Goodenow ``skunks for denying him the pleasure of watching the NHL on TV this year,'' the obituary in the Ottawa Citizen read. Bennitz also urged Bettman to step aside in favor of Wayne Gretzky.

David Bennitz said his father had become increasingly angry during his last month in the hospital as the lockout dragged on. Hockey was the only thing he watched on TV.

Bennitz, who was born in Nova Scotia and grew up just north of Toronto, was a dedicated Maple Leafs fan. He developed a soft spot for the Ottawa Senators, however, after he moved to Ottawa about three years ago to be closer to his family.

[Shockeye]

Got MILF?

ARVADA, Colo. (AP) - A 40-year-old Arvada woman who police say wanted to be seen as a, "cool mom", is suspected of supplying drugs and alcohol to high school boys, and having sex with them.

Sylvia Johnson faces charges of sexual assault and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Police say she had parties for the boys almost every week between October 2003 and October 2004.

She's accused of giving them marijuana, methamphetamine and alcohol.

Investigators said Johnson told them she wasn't popular in high school, but recently felt like "one of the group."

Police began investigating her after one of the boys told his mother about the alleged encounters.

A preliminary hearing in the case is set for next month.

[Shockeye]

It seems Police have better things to do than respond to burglar alarms.

Police in California City to Ignore Burglar Alarms

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Police in a prosperous Californian city near San Francisco will begin ignoring most burglar alarms, prompted by too many false alarms and too little money.

Fremont police said the overwhelming majority of warning signals they receive are false alarms that cost the city $600,000 a year. Because of budget cuts, starting next month they will only respond if they have additional verification, such as a video feed of a crime occurring or a witness report.

"We had 7,000 alarm calls last year and 66 of those were burglary," police chief Craig Steckler told KTVU television. "What do you want us to do?"

Several large cities have similar policies, including Salt Lake City, Milwaukee and Las Vegas, the police department said.

The city estimates 41 percent of Fremont's 209,000 residents earn more than $100,000 a year.

But California's state and local governments have faced money problems in recent years. Salinas, author John Steinbeck's hometown, recently said it would close all its libraries for financial reasons.

[Shockeye]

Some people steal money. Some people steal food. This guy steals dildos.

Mounties seek dildo thief
 
VANCOUVER (CP) -- The Mounties are on the hunt for a man who made off with three vibrators from a suburban adult entertainment store.
 
Police say late Thursday night the man was browsing the aisles of the store when a clerk saw him stuff the vibrators into his clothing.
 
"The clerk clearly witnessed the male fumbling and stuffing three expensive battery operated male appendages in his clothing and decided to intercept this shoplifter," the RCMP said in a news release on Friday.
 
"The employee asked the male if he was going to need batteries for these objects. The male calmly stated 'No,' and then panicked and fled, running out of the store with the three objects, minus batteries."
 
Police described the suspect as about 22-years-old, standing five-foot-six and weighing 150 pounds, with a thin moustache and short sandy blond hair.

[Train Wreck]

ARVADA, Colo. (AP) - A 40-year-old Arvada woman who police say wanted to be seen as a, "cool mom", is suspected of supplying drugs and alcohol to high school boys, and having sex with them.

Poor boys, I'm sure they're devestated.  How will they ever get over all the pats on the back from their friends, and people they've never met before?

[stray]

Feeling lonely?

[Strazos]

Got MILF?

Hilarity

My burning question is:

Is she a Hot mom?

Feeling lonely?

lol

[schild]

This is the best thread ever.

Shockeye fears Sigourney Weaver more than Silverback Gorillas.

I still haven't bought Zoo Keeper.

That is all.

[Rodent]

How can anyone fear this sex-machine? Woman and Giger art is the hawtness. Mindless killing and boobies... YAY!

[Shockeye]

The Brad/Jen split seems to throw everyone's world out of whack.

Star-crossed and suffering

    People heartbroken by the Brad-Jennifer breakup viewed the celebrity couple's marriage as proof that "happily ever after" could come true. ... Oh, well.

By KELLEY BENHAM, Times Staff Writer
Published January 22, 2005

 Yes, we know there is great suffering in the world, sorrow and awfulness. Tsunamis and mudslides. Politics. War. We have reporters working on that stuff. Thanks for the tips, though.

And no, Cecilee Schirmer, you are not alone.

Yes, there are others feeling sick and sad and a little heartbroken, and asking themselves which is worse: the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston breakup or their reaction to it.

We asked, and caller after caller said this hurt worse, for some reason, than Ben and J. Lo, Tom and Nicole, Demi and Bruce, worse even than Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton (either time). Maybe that's silly. Lots of people were shy about how they felt.

None of them knew Brad and Jen. But maybe when you think about it, this isn't really about Brad and Jen anyway.

Like anything that makes your heart hurt, it's more personal than that.

She'd just seen the Star at the Publix checkout. It assured her everything was fine and a baby was in the works.

Then came that awful morning when she woke up and her husband turned on the television like always and the Today show was talking about the breakup. First she only half-heard it. Then it settled in. Then she understood.

Sadness overwhelmed her.

She could not understand why she felt this way. Cecilee Schirmer is 60, a retired paralegal in Spring Hill. She has children and grandchildren and a husband and a life. Brad and Jen are not aware that she exists.

The sick feeling lingered all day. She told herself how pathetic this was. Pathetic and stupid and none of her business. But still.

She called her 34-year-old daughter. "Mom, they're movie stars, what do you want?"

She called her 11-year-old granddaughter. "You know, Gram, you just can't get into these movie people. You just don't know where they're coming from."

She knows this is true.

She ironed her pillowcases to stay busy. She has not ironed pillowcases in 40 years.

"I don't know. I'm questioning myself. Where am I coming from? Is it that, gee, I haven't dealt with my own life because I'm living life through Brad and Jen and now that there's no baby what am I going to do?

"I'm trying to hold my own marriage together, so why do I care about Brad and Jen?"

The morning after the breakup, her husband asked her if she wanted him to turn on the TV.

No, she told him. No more morning news. No more Extra.

"I don't want to know," she says. "I need to regroup."

* * *

Like a lot of people, Charlene Lewis can't believe she's bothered by this. But everyone wants to believe in fairy tales, even at 45.

To her, Brad and Jen were like Ken and Barbie. Ken and Barbie, plastic and perfect, are supposed to last. Brad and Jen should stay skinny forever and repopulate Hollywood with pretty babies.

Anything else is so ... human.

Looking back, Santa Claus was the first fantasy to crumble. Then the tooth fairy. Then the notion that parents are infallible. Then the first marriage.

Then Princess Diana, and so much for Prince Charming, and now this.

"You're just still hoping or wishing there's still something magical out there," said Mrs. Lewis, who lives in Largo. "You want someone to make it."

Her second marriage is fabulous. She still believes in Happily Ever After.

Remember how nice it was, though, when every story ended that way?

* * *

She had it figured out in fourth grade.

"The whole world's mixed up," she told her mom. "They're thinking about money and this and that. It's all about love, mom. Isn't it?"

Now Esther Rupp is 59. "I'm an old lady," she says. "But I still believe that."

She teaches middle school in Plant City, and consoles the brokenhearted every day. Her own heart was first clobbered in seventh grade, and she remembers how that hurt. She tells her students they will break up with everyone but the last one.

"And the last one," she says, "is going to be so cool."

She met a boy in high school and she knew he would be the last one. They didn't date then, just sat on the steps and talked about their crushes and disappointments. Then he joined the military and she noticed how good he looked in uniform. Then she married him. She was absolutely certain it would last forever.

She thinks Brad and Jen must have felt like that once. Everyone feels like that once, if they're lucky.

Her marriage lasted 20 years, but not forever. He died in a motorcycle accident, and just like that, she would not grow old with him after all.

In his place was emptiness. A lonely uncertainty. She thinks Brad and Jen must feel some of that now.

She's not obsessed with celebrities. She's in love with love. She figures no matter who you are or how old you get, it is as thrilling and as devastating.

"Nothing feels the same," she says.

It turns out her last one wasn't who she thought it was. She found someone new, despite the magazine articles that told her it would never happen.

He makes her tea when she doesn't even ask for it and brings her roses on Monday mornings.

She wants that for Brad and Jen. She wants it for everyone. One more chance.

* * *

They were in the living room. He said, "I just heard that Brad and Jen broke up."

She said: "That's not funny."

How could he joke about something like that with their wedding just two months away? She brushed it off and went to take a shower.

Then he was banging on the door. Said he wasn't kidding.

"You're confused, Michael." Jennifer Garner maybe. Jennifer Lopez. Not Jennifer Aniston.

She heard her voice getting louder. You're confused! You're thinking Ben and Jen! Liar!

Jessica Wallace, 30, and Michael Milisci, 35, have been together five years. They watched Friends together, saw 12 Monkeys, Troy, Ocean's Eleven and Ocean's Twelve.

They felt connected to Brad and Jen. Sort of imagined their marriages would parallel each other. Maybe their kids would grow up together. Sort of.

"I would die to meet either one of them," Jessica says. "But not in a psycho way."

Michael had a dream about them. They were in Mexico and Brad and Jen had the room next door and they were all hanging out together.

Not like they were famous or anything, just hanging out like normal people. When Jessica finally accepted the news, she felt like it had happened to friends.

"I wanted to call Brad up and say, "Hey, what's the problem?"'

Maybe the wedding stress is freaking her out. She doesn't think this is some kind of sign. But divorce is everywhere, and model marriages are rare. Her parents are divorced. Her grandparents seem happy, but can you really tell? Brad and Jen seemed happy.

She's sure that she and Michael will be happy.

They live in Holiday. That's a long, long way from Hollywood.

* * *

It was dark and they were falling asleep.

Linda Flack, for whatever reason, turned to her husband and said, "I can't believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have broken up."

Stan didn't say anything. He's a sensitive guy, but apparently this did not interest him. So Linda just kept talking.

"You'd think with everything they had going for them, all that money, great careers, they'd have a shot at making it."

She's not sure why Brad and Jen even came into her head. Maybe it's that when you have a happy marriage, you want everyone to have a happy marriage. She has known Stan since high school. Sometimes, she wonders if they would have been too independent to make it work if they'd met later. Sometimes, he does something irritating and she thinks, "If this were a date, I'd ask him not to call back." But it has been 20 years and three kids and a dog and house in Seminole, and she has never been able to imagine a future without him. He knew it was right before she did, but how do you ever really know?

Then came Stan's quiet voice. "I don't know why you think about these things," he said.

"Give me the guy whose hours have been cut from his job, and no, there is no extra money to do this or that, and yet he and his wife manage to stay together. That's reality. Not Hollywood."

They laughed a little, and he said, "Can we go to sleep now?"

She was thinking that she married the right person. And he had just reminded her why.

Kelley Benham can be reached at 727 893-8848 or benham@sptimes.com

The "elephant' in the room

I can remember hearing the news as if it were only yesterday, or at least very recently. I was driving to work, channel surfing on the car radio. The news reported Brad and Jen were calling it quits. I nearly had an accident. Luckily, the coffee spilled onto the passenger seat and not my new white shirt. I pulled to the shoulder of the road. The breakup news was big. It was on all the stations. Well, except for NPR. They were talking about tsunami relief, upcoming Middle East elections and changes to the Social Security system. Unbelievable! No reports about Brad and Jen. They wonder why they have to do pledge drives to stay on the air. I quickly changed the channel.

At work, tension was everywhere. We tried to keep our minds off the breakup. We talked about job responsibilities for the day. We started working. Who were we trying to fool? No one wanted to acknowledge the "elephant" in the room. Not one of my colleagues talked about the breakup that day, or the next, or the next. In fact, they have yet to talk about it. I don't know how they keep it all in. It can't be good. Call Dr. Phil!

As a nation we have had much to endure. First, the Lopezes call it quits. Now, the Pitts have destroyed our romantic fantasy, too. We lost Ben and Jen. Then, we lose Brad and Jen. For my sanity and comfort I turn to the only couple who have never let me down. I am drowning my sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream.

Strength America,

John E. Ruddy

St. Petersburg

[Strazos]

She should just hang herself then...I mean really, does anyone here really give a flying fuck about celeb news?

[Shockeye]

She should just hang herself then...I mean really, does anyone here really give a flying fuck about celeb news?

I do. So step off.

[schild]

I remember hearing about the Aniston/Pitt breakup like it was yesterday. I was on a train from Detroit to Pawtucket listening to random spanish radio station #23847247. I heard familiar names and started paying attention. It was shocking.

The flounder I was eating in the dining car found it's way into my hand and across the room. I picked up tables and chairs and threw them at any patrons near me. It was as if a nuclear war had started in my brain. Synapses were firing at an unbelievable rate.

 The angel on my left shoulder told me everything would be fine, while the devil to my right was telling me that Bill & Hillary would be next. I just couldn't take it.

I killed 7 people that day, including myself. Twice.

Π

[Megrim]

I killed 7 people that day, including myself. Twice.

 
Wau Schild, that was unbelievably funny, in a PWOT kinda way. Made my morning, thank you.

 - meg

[Calantus]

I killed 7 people that day, including myself. Twice.

 
Wau Schild, that was unbelievably funny, in a PWOT kinda way. Made my morning, thank you.

 - meg

I'm usually pretty good figuring out acronyms in internet lingo if I don't know them, but I can't for the life of me figure out what PWOT means.