Shockeye's Useless News

[Murgos]

That whole article is surreal, after reading it I feel like I'm drunk.

[stray]

I walked out of the mall and when I stopped at the robot next to the Tzaneen police station

That there was a robot in the vicinity I find even more strange.

[Shockeye]

[stray]

"Hey guys, whattya think? Tucked or untucked?"

[Shockeye]

Next up on Fox - When Good Editors Go Bad

Neighbors complain Globe editor twice brought them bad nudes
By Gayle Fee and Laura Raposa
Tuesday, January 11, 2005

A Boston Globe editor was arrested for ``open and gross lewdness'' after two young women complained he turned up at their front door ``naked and masturbating.''

     Don't you hate when that happens?

     Sources say Bryan Marquard, a married deputy city editor at the Boring Broadsheet, has been out on ``personal leave'' since the alleged incident. He is due back in South Boston District Court Friday for a pretrial hearing.

     ``The charge is false and should not be dignified further with a response,'' said Marquard's attorney, Ellen Zucker. ``We have every confidence that when a judge or jury sees the case, Mr. Marquard will be completely exonerated.''

     According to a police report of the alleged incident, the women - who are Marquard's neighbors - arrived home early in the morning of Dec. 20 and shortly thereafter, heard a knock on their door.

     ``When the victims answered the door, they observed the suspect, Marquard, standing outside in the hallway, in front of their apartment door, naked and masturbating in front of them.''

     The women said it was the second time the Globie had put on a peep show for them.

     ``Approximately three weeks ago, as they arrived home, they noticed that the suspect's door was open and he was sitting in a chair in plain view steering (sic) at them masturbating,'' the police report says.
     When the cops went to Marquard's condo to get his version of the alleged perversion, ``the first words he asked the officers,'' the report says, ``was `Am I being arrested?' ''

     The answer was yes. He pleaded innocent at his arraignment the next day.

     The Globe confirmed that Marquard is employed as a deputy city editor at the newspaper but would have no further comment on his status.

     A former editor and reporter at Newsday in New York, Marquard was moved to the Globe's city desk after stints on the copy desk and as co-editor of the paper's West Weekly section. As deputy city editor, he helped supervise reporters and coordinate coverage in the paper's City & Region section.

     A source close to the matter said Marquard will contend that the women made up the stories in retaliation after a neighborhood dispute. The alleged victims did not return our calls.

     File under: A Series of Unfortunate Events?

[Shockeye]

It looks like Micky Dolenz can't retire gracefully.

Dolenz is now a DJ
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
BY JAY LUSTIG
Star-Ledger Staff

It has been quite a few years since he had a hit record, so Micky Dolenz is trying to launch a new career. Yesterday, the Monkees drummer-singer made his debut as a morning (6-10 a.m.) disk jockey on WCBS-FM (101.1, New York).

The music was pretty much what you would expect --the Beatles, the Stones, the Beach Boys, the Monkees and so on, along with some slight surprises, like the Doobie Brothers' "Black Water" and Stevie Wonder's "Superstition." The affable Dolenz, 59, told stories, took phone calls from listeners, bantered with his producer and his weatherman, and chatted with his wife, his daughters, his lawyer and fellow Monkee Peter Tork.

 He also dealt with minor technical difficulties and made fun of himself, playing the following promo, for instance: "And now, here's the CBS-FM million dollar crapshoot ... Micky Dolenz in the morning. It might be good. Eh, maybe not so much."

Here are some highlights.

6:07 a.m.: Dolenz talks about going to England in 1967 and meeting "the royal family" -- the Beatles. He watched television with Paul McCartney and visited the band in a recording studio, where John Lennon played him a tape of a song they were working on: The "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" track, "Good Morning, Good Morning."

6:08 a.m.: The show's first song is "Good Morning, Good Morning."

6:12 a.m.: The second song is Wilson Pickett's "In the Midnight Hour."

6:15 a.m.: "Well, it's 15 minutes and I'm still on the air," Dolenz says.

6:22 a.m.: The third song is the Bee Gees' "Night Fever."

6:36 a.m.: A listener, Arlene from Brooklyn, calls in and asks, "Why do you sing with your eyes closed?" Dolenz responds: "I just kind of drift into another world of music and rock 'n' roll, and all that kind of psychedelic stuff, I guess."

6:54 a.m.: Dolenz plays the Monkees' "Last Train To Clarksville."

7:04 a.m.: Martin Lewis calls in. Dolenz introduces him as a "humorist/Beatles historian/bon vivant." Lewis says he's in town to talk to Steven Van Zandt about developing a satellite radio show, and calls Dolenz' John Lennon impression, earlier in the show, "the worst John Lennon impression of all time." He says Dolenz sounded more like Freddie of Freddie & the Dreamers.

7:07 a.m.: Dolenz says he's not a yuppie, but a bobo -- "burnt out but opulent."

7:34 a.m.: Tork calls in from his car in western Connecticut. He lives in eastern Connecticut but drove across the state so he could hear the show. He plugs his blues band, Shoe Suede Blues, and requests the Dell-Vikings' "Whispering Bells."

8:07 a.m.: Dolenz offers a pair of tickets to the upcoming Elvis Presley-inspired Broadway musical, "All Shook Up," to a random caller. He can be heard saying hello to the caller as a commercial begins playing.

8:23 a.m.: Dolenz fields separate phone calls from his wife Donna and daughters Emily and Georgia. He dedicates Elvis Presley's "Can't Help Falling In Love" to Donna, and Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" to Emily. Georgia requests Bob Dylan's "Like A Rolling Stone." Dolenz plays it, and can be heard singing along.

8:55 a.m.: Referring to the difficulty of putting together the show for the first time, Dolenz says, "Thanks goodness I don't ever have to do this again." He then plays a song he says expresses the way he feels: the Beatles' "Help!"

9:10 a.m.: Dolenz plays the first song he sang in his pre-Monkees cover band, Micky & the One Nighters: The Animals' "House of the Rising Sun."

9:22 a.m.: Another daughter, Ami, calls in and requests The Monkees' "Pleasant Valley Sunday."

9:44 a.m.: Perhaps running out of ideas, Dolenz sings the weather forecast.

9:57 a.m.: "I can't wait to come in tomorrow morning, and hopefully all this equipment will work," Dolenz says. He closes with the Beatles' "Hello Goodbye."

[Shockeye]

I guess people don't like listening to sex while they eat.

No phone sex please - we are eating here!

    January 10 2005 at 04:42PM

Lisbon - A restaurant in Portugal has barred its customers from talking on their mobile telephones after a man had a racy conversation while having a meal at the establishment, a daily newspaper reported on Monday.

"He completely forgot that he was in a public place, everyone stopped to listen to the conversation which I can only say was really very sensual," the owner of the restaurant, Carlos Fernandes, told Correio da Manha.

Diners at the restaurant in the northern city of Guimaraes, located 350km north-east of Lisbon, are now asked to leave their cellphones at the door, turn them off or in case of an emergency, keep them on vibration mode.

"Of course if the conversation is not pleasant, I am the one who pays because the food will not taste as good and it will seem like it is a problem of the restaurant," Fernandes said.

Portugal has one of the highest rates of cellphone ownership in the European Union, with more than nine million cellphone owners.

[Paelos]

"Yeah baby, now I want you to pick up that hot oil and rub it all over your heaving, hold on a sec, yeah i'd like an iced tea and an order of crab cakes...now that's my dirty girl, you're DIRTY!"

[Shockeye]

Why the Amish and electricity don't mix.

Amish Teen Electrocuted in Ohio

CHARDON, Ohio (AP) - A 17-year-old Amish boy was electrocuted trying to remove a power line that got tangled in his horse-drawn buggy's wheels, authorities said.

The boy drove over a power line Tuesday that had sagged down within a foot of the road after separating from a pole, authorities said.

The line got stuck in the wheels and stopped the buggy. The boy got out and grabbed the 4,800-volt line in an attempt to remove it from the wheels, the Geauga County Sheriff's office said. He died at the scene.

The boy's name was not released because his family had not all been notified, officials said.

The Amish are a deeply religious group who shun modern conveniences such as electricity, telephones and car ownership. About 40,000 Amish live in Ohio, the most of any state.

The boy was traveling south on a road near Geauga-Trumbull County line in northeast Ohio, about 25 miles east of Cleveland.

The horse pulling the buggy was not injured.

[Shockeye]

Mola Ram is dead.

Amrish Puri is dead

rediff.com Moviesdesk | January 12, 2005 08:53 IST

Actor Amrish Puri died at the Hinduja Hospital in Mumbai on Wednesday following prolonged illness, hospital sources said.

He was 72.

Puri suffered a blood clot in the brain and slipped into coma, the sources said, adding he was also being treated for malaria.

The actor had undergone a surgery last week.

Initial reports had suggested that the actor, who is survived by his wife, a son and a daughter, had died of brain haemorrhage.

The funeral is likely to take place on Thursday, the sources added.

Puri was born on June 22, 1932 and made his Bollywood debut in 1971 with Reshma Aur Shera.

The younger brother of character actor Madan Puri, he initially screen-tested for a hero's role in 1954, but the producer rejected him.

He then turned to theatre and also lent his voice to several advertisement jingles.

After Reshma Aur Shera, he had to wait a long time before filmmaker Shyam Benegal offered him roles in films like Nishaant, Manthan and Bhumika.

His career-defining role came with Mr India in 1987, as Mogambo. The line, Mogambo khush hua, became one of the most famous in the history of Hindi cinema.

He also acted in Steven Spielberg's Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Aitraaz was his latest release.

[Signe]

STOP!!!  You're driving me crazy!

[Shockeye]

Squishy squashy parasites in the belly!

Woman riddled with parasites
From correspondents in Ankara
January 13, 2005

DOCTORS have removed parasites weighing a total of three kilograms from the stomach of a young woman in central Turkey in what they have described as a rare case in medicine, Anatolia news agency reported today.

Kemal Arslan, the surgeon who operated the 18-year-old patient in Alaca town in the province of Corum, told Anatolia that the size of the parasites varied between five and 20 centimetres.

"Normally intestinal parasites are easily treated with drugs, but we had to operate on this patient because her intestines were blocked," he said.

The woman was recovering well after the surgery, he said.

[Shockeye]

Seems Dr. Who has a midget shortage.

A Small Problem...
New Doctor Who Series  •  January 12
Reports in today's Daily Mirror and elsewhere have surfaced that the new series has been hit by a shortage of dwarf actors because of the filming of two films, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and the next Harry Potter film. "It's very difficult to employ persons of restricted growth when, as our producer Phil Collinson says, `Bloody Gringotts and the Chocolate Factory are filming at the same time'," executive producer Russell T Davies has been quoted by the Mirror as saying. The series is said to have needed them to play tiny blue aliens. "The two big movies have snapped up the talent. It's been hard to find who we want," said an anonymous source quoted in the Mirror, while another management agency for dwarf actors, Peter Burroughs, admitted he had been unable to supply Dr Who with a 3ft 8in star. "That was very difficult to find, especially with the other productions going on," Burroughs said. We're not sure if this is a recent development (Outpost Gallifrey did feature photos of dwarf aliens from an outdoor shoot last fall, but this could be studio-bound work for the same story or another). The story was picked up on Ananova, icWales, the Glasgow Daily Record, Sky News and other sources. (Thanks to Paul Engelberg, Steve Tribe, Chuck Foster, Sean Bradshaw, Kenny Smith, David Collins for the various links)

[Shockeye]

I guess the new robot jesus is nipple enlargement. Who knew?

NEW YORK -- You've had your breasts enhanced and now you have that Jayne Mansfield look. But something's still missing. Your nipples just don't have that perk.

Enter one of the fastest growing cosmetic surgeries in the United States... nipple enlargement. New York-based nipple surgeon Bruce Nadler performs the procedure on half a dozen people a year and says most do it because they want the "teasing look " of an erect nipple all the time.

Still others - mostly men - are nipple fetishists who want their nipples to be the biggest, most desirable nipples possible. The "super-sizing" is done with injections of collagen or cartilage taken from the patient's ear. Dr. Nadler says another popular procedure is nipple reduction surgery, which is done mostly by women who are self conscious about looking nipply in cold weather.

I think I missed my calling.

[Nebu]

Seems Dr. Who has a midget shortage.

I don't know what made me more sick... the article about the parasitic infestation or the midget shortage word play.  

On a side note, everyone should take at least one course in parasitology.  You'll become the best hand washer in the neighborhood.

[Shockeye]

Having a goat once just isn't enough, it seems.

Man admits trying to have sex with goat
12 January 2005

A Nelson man has appeared in court for a second time for attempting to have sex with a goat.

George Kepa, a 41-year-old unemployed man, pleaded guilty in Nelson District Court yesterday to bestiality and unlawfully entering a building.

Police prosecutor Chris Stringer said Kepa went to visit a friend on January 7.

The friend was asleep and Kepa went to a tin shed where the goat was kept, took some of his clothes off and attempted to have sex with it, Mr Stringer said.

Judge Paul Whitehead remanded Kepa until February 1 for a pre-sentence drug and alcohol report.

In 2002, Kepa was sentenced to 80 hours' community work and 18 months supervision for committing an indecency with a goat.

[Shockeye]

Next time my wife wants some, she gets some.

Testicle torn off by ex-lover

Press Association
Wednesday January 12, 2005
The Guardian

A jilted woman admitted ripping off her ex-lover's testicle with her hands after he refused to have sex with her.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage after her former boyfriend, Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a drunken house party. She yanked off his left testicle, which was later handed to him by a friend with the words: "That's yours."

Monti, of Birkenhead, Merseyside, pleaded guilty to wounding at Liverpool crown court yesterday and will be sentenced next month.

The court heard that Mr Jones had ended his long-term relationship with Monti towards the end of May last year. The pair remained on good terms and on May 30, Monti drove him to a party and then home again, where friends joined them for more drinks.

Monti told Mr Jones she wanted to discuss their relationship and offered him sex. When he refused, she grabbed his face and a struggle ensued.

Mr Jones threw Monti out of the house. She then smashed a window. Another struggle took place and Monti was knocked to the floor, from where she pulled down Mr Jones's shorts.

Monti initially tried to hide the testicle by putting it in her mouth, but released it. Doctors were unable to reattach the organ.

Wendy Lloyd, defending, said her client did not remember much of the struggle. But she accepted the prosecution's version of events and did not claim to have acted in self-defence.

[WayAbvPar]

Monti initially tried to hide the testicle by putting it in her mouth,

Is she would have started with that move (gently), she might have gotten what she wanted.

[geldonyetich]

There was a point that F13 routinely locked threads that were simply a brief blurb and a news link.   Sometimes, I miss those days.   Ah well, at least it's confined to one thread.

I wonder if miss Monti had an alterior motive for going after her ex like that.  Was the offer for sex serious or a sarcastic barb hiding anger and aimed at one who abused her in the past?   If she was a powder keg of resentment and the man decided to throw a sarcastic barb right back, I could certainly see a resentful young woman pantsing him and giving his gonads a good swipe.

Ah well, ladies pulling Bobbits is always fun to read about, though often I wonder at the details behind the news.

[Shockeye]

There was a point that F13 routinely locked threads that were simply a brief blurb and a news link.   Sometimes, I miss those days.   Ah well, at least it's confined to one thread.

Which is why I confine my useless crap to one thread. Too bad you can't confine yourself to one thread.

XXOO

[EDIT] It has come to my attention that "XXOO" might've been "too gay", not that there's anything wrong with that.

[geldonyetich]

Not to say that Shockeye's links aren't the highlight of my day, of course.   I just thought it was interesting to mention how things have changed.

[schild]

Not to say that Shockeye's links aren't the highlight of my day, of course.   I just thought it was interesting to mention how things have changed.

Because THAT'S necessary.

[Paelos]

She yanked off his left testicle, which was later handed to him by a friend with the words: "That's yours."

That's tops on my list for jackass quote of the month.

[Train Wreck]

Not to say that Shockeye's links aren't the highlight of my day, of course.   I just thought it was interesting to mention how things have changed.

I find this to be one of the most interesting threads.  Putting it all in one place is definantly the way to go.

[Signe]

I really have to stop reading this thread.  It makes me nervous.

[geldonyetich]

Because THAT'S necessary.

Call it nostalgia or strange Geldonyetich style fucktardary.  Either works by me.

[Calantus]

You guys should try leaving this thread alone for a few days then being hit by a bunch of these stories at once. I am feeling rather disturbed after the naked old man in a sack, the gang of masturbators (seriously... wtf WAS that?), the masturbating globe exec, goatboy, mr phone sex, and the testicle rip-off.

[Train Wreck]

You guys should try leaving this thread alone for a few days then being hit by a bunch of these stories at once. I am feeling rather disturbed after the naked old man in a sack, the gang of masturbators (seriously... wtf WAS that?), the masturbating globe exec, goatboy, mr phone sex, and the testicle rip-off.

Just be glad he didn't mention the U.N.'s latest weapon(s):  Shaft, Stretch, and Dick.

[Shockeye]

I was going to post the link to the three amigos, but I decided I had given people enough for one day. I shared the link in IRC. I thought that was enough.

[Shockeye]

It seems that if you live in Germany you can get off AND help tsunami victims. Those Germans are so progressive.

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German brothel owner has been so moved by the plight of survivors from Asia's tsunami disaster that she is donating part of her takings from clients.
 
"It's not every day you can make a charitable gesture by going to a brothel," said Mercedes Mueller, who is giving five euros ($6.60) of the 39-euro ($51) entrance charge clients pay.

"It's so terrible what happened there and I wanted to do something," said Mueller, who owns the Happy FKK Club in the western city of Dortmund.

Mueller said clients, prostitutes and the public had all responded with great enthusiasm to her gesture, and that about 1,300 euros ($1,700) had been raised so far.

"We have as much of a right to raise money as any other business," she said. "We all have a heart too. I hope it will serve as an example to others."

[stray]

Pair arrested outside Long Island courthouse

The Associated Press
Updated: 3:03 p.m. ET Jan. 12, 2005MEPSTEAD, N.Y.

Did you hear the one about the two guys arrested for telling lawyer jokes?

It happened this week to the founders of a group called Americans for Legal Reform, who were waiting in line to get into a Long Island courthouse.

“How do you tell when a lawyer is lying?” Harvey Kash reportedly asked Carl Lanzisera.

“His lips are moving,” they said in unison.

While some waiting to get into the courthouse giggled, a lawyer farther up the line Monday was not laughing.

He told them to pipe down, and when they did not, the lawyer reported the pair to court personnel, who charged them with disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor.

“They just can’t take it,” Kash said of lawyers in general. “This violates our First Amendment rights.”

Dan Bagnuola, a spokesman for the Nassau County courts, said the men were “being abusive and they were causing a disturbance.” He said he did not have the name of the lawyer who complained.

Americans for Legal Reform monitors the courts and uses confrontational tactics to push for greater access for the public. The pair said that for years they have stood outside courthouses on Long Island and mocked lawyers.

On Monday, however, Kash said he was due in court to answer a drunken driving charge from a year and a half ago. The men are due back in court on the disorderly conduct charge next month.

[Paelos]

It's amazing how who I thought was the real idiot in that article totally shifted on the last couple of sentences.

[Shockeye]

It looks like Madonna's Esther's favorite religion is saying stupid things. Again.

Madonna's Kabbalah Center in Holocaust Row

Thu Jan 13,12:26 PM ET

By Mike Collett-White

LONDON (Reuters) - A documentary about a branch of Kabbalah, the mystical form of Judaism that counts pop idol Madonna (news - web sites) among its devotees, will show a senior figure saying Jews died in the Holocaust because they did not follow the sect.

The program, to be aired by the British Broadcasting Corporation on Thursday evening, also features members of the London Kabbalah Center trying to sell an undercover reporter bottles of "healing" water they say could help cure cancer.

John Sweeney, who made the film with the help of three undercover "moles," said it would throw an unflattering light on the Kabbalah Center in London, part of an international network led by Philip Berg, who is based in Los Angeles.

"It's a devastating indictment," Sweeney told Reuters.

"The perceived view is that this (the Kabbalah Center) is a Hollywood craze, fluffy, a bit silly. But we found a score or more ex-members all of whom said it was a dangerous cult."

According to the BBC, the program will show a senior figure at the Kabbalah Center saying: "Just to tell you another thing about the six million Jews that were killed in the Holocaust: the question was that the Light was blocked. They didn't use Kabbalah."

The center declined to comment on the documentary before it was aired, but added in a statement: "For millennia, Kabbalah has been misrepresented by some members of the community trying to discourage others from studying its wisdom."

It said the center welcomed people of all creeds to join, and invited them to find out more at an open house next week.

ANGRY RESPONSE

But leaks from the Kabbalah Center, which has attracted some of the biggest names in showbusiness, have angered Jewish leaders, who argue that the organization is distorting the movement's teaching.

Many distinguish between Kabbalah, a branch of ancient Jewish mysticism, and the Kabbalah Center which has attracted fashionable supporters like Madonna and actress Demi Moore.

"This center is trading on the name Kabbalah and duping people into thinking it is a legitimate source of study," said Rabbi Barry Marcus of the Central Synagogue in London.

Commenting on the remarks made in the program, he added: "It's preposterous. It is insulting to the memory of people who died in the Holocaust. This is arrogance I can only condemn in the strongest terms."

Sweeney said that one of the undercover reporters, who was suffering from cancer, was offered a package of remedies for the disease costing a total of 860 pounds ($1,600).

They included nearly 400 pounds for 10 cases of Kabbalah water, 150 pounds for "extra-strength" water and 289 pounds for Zohar books, the Kabbalah "bible."

On the Kabbalah Center International's Web site, a 23-volume edition of the Zohar is on sale for $415. Also featured is a length of red string costing $26 which, it claims, protects people from the "Evil Eye... a very powerful negative force."

Kabbalah shot to prominence in the late 1990s, helped by Madonna's keen interest. In June last year, the Catholic-bred singer said she had adopted the Hebrew name of Esther, and in September she went on a spiritual pilgrimage to Israel to practice her newfound faith.

[Shockeye]

It seems all women want Mini-Me. Just ask him.

Mini-Me Verne Troy Not So Mini With 3 Playboy Girls
January 13, 2005, 7:34:00

TROYER: 'I PLEASURED THREE PLAYBOY GIRLS'

Diminutive actor VERNE TROYER shocked fellow housemates on reality TV show THE SURREAL LIFE, by boasting about his wild five-in-a-bed romp at porn baron HUGH HEFNER's Playboy Mansion.

The pint-size star, who plays MINI ME in the AUSTIN POWERS movies, is sharing a California home for two weeks with model ADRIANNE CURRY, former BRADY BUNCH actor CHRISTOPHER KNIGHT, wrestler CHYNA, GO-GOS guitarist JANE WEIDLIN and model MARCUS SCHENKENBERG.
And he attacked Weidlin's belief women aren't attracted to smaller men by pointing out he pleasured three beauties at Hefner's infamous home.

The 36-year-old said, "I did three girls at the Playboy Mansion. There was another guy with me, but there was plenty of p**sy to go around.

"I know what women want, and it's me."

[Shockeye]

It seems Arizona's beloved asshole Sheriff Joe Arpaio has a new plan to make criminals feel the error of their ways: pink handcuffs.

Bright pink handcuffs latest additional to sheriff's arsenal

Jan. 13, 2005 12:00 AM

First it was pink underwear. Then pink sheets. And now it's pink handcuffs.

Starting today, Maricopa County sheriff's deputies will begin using fluorescent pink handcuffs to transport inmates.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio said he got so tired of losing handcuffs to his own deputies and other law enforcement agencies, he wanted to put a stop to it. So he ordered 1,000 hot-pink handcuffs, which are made in England, at $19.44 each. (The regular ones cost $18.84 a pop.)

"We presume nobody else has pink handcuffs, so we can spot them and know they're ours," he said.

The sheriff bet that even stores like Castle Boutique don't carry pink handcuffs. But in fact, they do. The Castle Boutique on Camelback Road sells pink metal handcuffs for $9.99.

Patrol deputies will still carry the normal silver cuffs, which they pay for on their own.

The part I love is the fact that the sex shops sells them retail for $10 less than the Sheriff is getting them for. My tax money at work.