Shockeye's Useless News

[schild]

I was putting forth a bullshit theory. Not even a poster with Dark Helmet can save Star Wars Episode III.

[Rasix]

Ohh, don't tell me you're a Nic Cage fan too? Do you have a thing for shitty actors (he can be brilliant at times, but mostly he just mails it in)?

[HaemishM]

Windtalkers mixed with a spritzer of Con Air will be all you need to see to convince yourself that Nic Cage puts effort into about 1 out of 3 movie roles he's in.

[Rasix]

Put the bunneh, down.

[CmdrSlack]

Well, they shot a good deal of that Weatherman movie about a block from my apartment.

If the scene treatment I read (a neighbor of mine charmed some production assistant into giving it to her) was accurate, there's at least one point in the film where Cage's character "contemplates camel toe."

So yeah.

Dunno if that's a suck or not suck indicator, but take it for what it's worth.

[Paelos]

Put the bunneh, down.

Speaking as a Southerner, I was almost to the point of offended at how bad his Alabama accent was. I mean shit, the character could have been from anywhere in the US; he didn't have to butcher an accent to do the part.

[shiznitz]

Nic's performance in Adaptation gets him a lot of slack in my book.

[schild]

Yes. His last couple performances have been enough to redeem him. He's gone back to drama, and Matchstick Men and Adaptation were utterly brilliant. Snake Eyes was fucking eons ago, get over it.

[DarkDryad]

Matchstick Men was fucking outstanding so yeah I agree with ya there.

[Shockeye]

Excuse me while I re-rail this thread since it is all about ME.

DOTHAN, Ala. -- There's a potty prankster on the loose in Dothan (DOH'-thun), Alabama.

Since November, someone has tipped over about 50 portable toilets. The last two were tipped over the weekend.

Police are vowing to catch the culprit. Officers are keeping an eye on building construction sites, and they're considering setting up a sting operation.

Police suspect a group of people may be responsible, since a portable toilet can weigh up to 400 pounds.

The owner of Portable Toilet Services says each damaged toilet costs at least 150 dollars in time, energy and repairs, plus the drain on police resources.

The company is offering a reward for information leading to an arrest.

[Shockeye]

Britney watches too much CSI.

Britney quits pop music to become a forensic scientist

January 4, 2005, 12:55:25

Britney Spears is reportedly set to quit pop music - to become a forensic scientist.

The sexy star has allegedly told friends she is considering swapping her singing career for student life and enrolling at university to study for a degree after being motivated by a TV series.

A source told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "It sounds ridiculous but she's been inspired by TV's 'Crime Scene Investigation', which shows scientists solving crimes. "Brit has been growing tired of all the media attention and is thinking about taking a break from it all.

Insiders have revealed that the 23-year-old star, who launched her music career aged just 16, has even consulted 'Star Wars' beauty Natalie Portman - who graduated from prestigious Harvard University two years ago after studying psychology - about her plans to return to education.

And friends claim the pop babe's second husband, Kevin Federline, who she wed in a surprise ceremony last year, is also backing her decision.

The source added: "She's taking this university idea quite seriously." "She's happy with Kev and he'd support her in anything she wants to do. If she decides she wants to study then he'd be fine with that."

[schild]

DOTHAN, Ala. -- There's a potty prankster on the loose in Dothan (DOH'-thun), Alabama.

Since November, someone has tipped over about 50 portable toilets. The last two were tipped over the weekend.

Police are vowing to catch the culprit. Officers are keeping an eye on building construction sites, and they're considering setting up a sting operation.

Police suspect a group of people may be responsible, since a portable toilet can weigh up to 400 pounds.

The owner of Portable Toilet Services says each damaged toilet costs at least 150 dollars in time, energy and repairs, plus the drain on police resources.

The company is offering a reward for information leading to an arrest.

They're called teenagers. Good luck catching them all. Some are more elusive than Mewtwo.

[Shockeye]

Sir Charles just wants to be loved. Don't you love Charles?

January 4, 2005 --

NBA resident loudmouth Charles Barkley is letting his pen do the talking. The former All-Star forward, who's known for his outrageous off-the-cuff declarations, has a book due in May titled, "Why Do White People Hate Me?" The folks at Penguin have yet to see Barkley's manuscript, but assure us he's trying to get to the bottom of the Caucasian conspiracy against him by interviewing the likes of Maya Angelou, Magic Johnson, Barack Obama, Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton.

[Paelos]

Britney watches too much CSI.

Britney quits pop music to become a forensic scientist

January 4, 2005, 12:55:25

Britney Spears is reportedly set to quit pop music - to become a forensic scientist.

The sexy star has allegedly told friends she is considering swapping her singing career for student life and enrolling at university to study for a degree after being motivated by a TV series.

A source told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "It sounds ridiculous but she's been inspired by TV's 'Crime Scene Investigation', which shows scientists solving crimes. "Brit has been growing tired of all the media attention and is thinking about taking a break from it all.

Insiders have revealed that the 23-year-old star, who launched her music career aged just 16, has even consulted 'Star Wars' beauty Natalie Portman - who graduated from prestigious Harvard University two years ago after studying psychology - about her plans to return to education.

And friends claim the pop babe's second husband, Kevin Federline, who she wed in a surprise ceremony last year, is also backing her decision.

The source added: "She's taking this university idea quite seriously." "She's happy with Kev and he'd support her in anything she wants to do. If she decides she wants to study then he'd be fine with that."

Perhaps she can team up with Paris Hilton and they can ride around hunting lost dogs. I'll pitch it to the networks.

[schild]

Sir Charles just wants to be loved. Don't you love Charles?

January 4, 2005 --

NBA resident loudmouth Charles Barkley is letting his pen do the talking. The former All-Star forward, who's known for his outrageous off-the-cuff declarations, has a book due in May titled, "Why Do White People Hate Me?" The folks at Penguin have yet to see Barkley's manuscript, but assure us he's trying to get to the bottom of the Caucasian conspiracy against him by interviewing the likes of Maya Angelou, Magic Johnson, Barack Obama, Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton.

I swear to fucking god, if he turns Obama into someone who looks like a raving loony and destroys his chance at the presidency in the future, I will personally find Barkley and DESTROY HIS TESTICLES WITH A MALLET.

[Rasix]

Scary.  

You think being worth a billion dollars would make them look less like a pair of undead models.

[DarkDryad]

meh why not? When one is ungodly wealthy one can do with ones life as they see fit. At least we wouldnt have to tollerate her music anymore.

[DarkDryad]

Scary.  

You think being worth a billion dollars would make them look less like a pair of undead models.

Holy shit Blind troll dolls with Teh Stamos!

[schild]

Scary.  

You think being worth a billion dollars would make them look less like a pair of undead models.

Three eyewitnesses report seeing John Stamos mug the Olsen Twins and run off laughing maniacally. Later he was seen buying 700 hot dogs.

[shiznitz]

Hey, the Olsen twins stole my 66-year old aunt's sunglasses! WTF?!

[Signe]

Those sunglasses are very Jackie O, aren't they?  Or maybe they just look that large on those wee, shriveled up faces.

[HaemishM]

You think being worth a billion dollars would make them look less like a pair of undead models.

Unfortunately, cocaine and bulimia puts the undead right back in those withered young bones.

[schild]

More useless news:

Today in a shocking turn of events, Schild vows never to read Penny Arcade again. Why? Gabe is a night-elf and was drawing his toon.

Fag. What's next? Sig pics?

[Signe]

What's next? Sig pics?

Hey!  I don't want to be dragged into his sick fantasies.

[Shockeye]

Coming soon to a theatre near you!

I Dream of Jeannie (2006)

Directed by
Gurinder Chadha

Writing credits
Cormac Wibberley
Marianne Wibberley

Credited cast:
Lindsay Lohan

[Boogaleeboo]

destroys his chance at the presidency

He's not white.

There, that was fast.

[Murgos]

Coming soon to a theatre near you!

I Dream of Jeannie (2006)

Directed by
Gurinder Chadha

Writing credits
Cormac Wibberley
Marianne Wibberley

Credited cast:
Lindsay Lohan

If there is a solid soft core sex scene I'll be in line at midnight.  If she spends the whole movie in a see-through silk harem outfit I'll skip dinner.

[DarkDryad]

Freak

[Merusk]

Insiders have revealed that the 23-year-old star, who launched her music career aged just 16, has even consulted 'Star Wars' beauty Natalie Portman - who graduated from prestigious Harvard University two years ago after studying psychology - about her plans to return to education.

My god that's a conversation I'd have like to have heard what was ringing around inside NP's head.  She's no slouch intellectually, and had to have been wondering what the fuck the 'blonde' bimbette in front of her was thinking even trying to apply for college, much less a scientific persuit.  

I'm sure we'll have a tell-all crying book/ song/ media extravaganza when she either flunks out or it's revealed that she slept with/ paid off her profs to get through.

[Shockeye]

At this school, if you happen to be in a wheelchair you will have to wait for a fireman.

School Emergency Policy: Leave Wheelchair-Bound Kids Behind

POSTED: 5:55 am EST January 5, 2005
UPDATED: 10:00 am EST January 5, 2005

WESTMINSTER, Md. -- When a Carroll County, Md., high school had an emergency evacuation, everyone got out except for two students who were confined to wheelchairs.

They were abandoned in the stairwell on the second floor.

WBAL-TV in Baltimore said there is a policy at Westminster High School for what to do with the two students in wheelchairs in case of a fire. The policy said because their classrooms are on the second floor, teachers are to lead them to the second-floor stairwell and leave them there and wait for the fire crews to come to their rescue while everyone else evacuates.

I'm aware that this isn't useless, but it's also not evil enough to get its own thread.

[sidereal]

That's probably pretty standard if the emergency is a fire, since the first rule of fires is DON'T USE THE FUCKING ELEVATORS (I have no idea why, but by God it's beaten into my head) and the elevators are how you get around if you're in a wheelchair.  I'd like to think that in an actual emergency there would be at least 4 non-jackasses who would carry the handicapped kids down.

[Train Wreck]

I'd like to think that in an actual emergency there would be at least 4 non-jackasses who would carry the handicapped kids down.

Being somebody that works in a public school, especially in southern California, I know finding 4 non-jackasses is a tall order.

Chances are, most of them would be afraid of dropping the kid and getting sued.

[Shockeye]

Scarlett Johansson is very proud of her... girls.

Scarlett Johnasson calls her breasts 'girls'!
January 5, 2005, 11:37:39

Scarlett Johnasson loves her breasts. which she calls 'girls'.

The stunning actress says she is very proud of her assets as they make her feel very womanly.

She said: "I'm proud of my girls. They're my charms, my feminine wiles."

However, the 20-year-old beauty says she's not entirely happy with her looks, especially her face.

She said: "Sometimes I'm not comfortable with my face but it's stuck there and there's nothing I can do about it.

Scarlett, who has an on/off relationship with Hollywood heartthrob Jared Leto, recently admitted she will have plastic surgery when she gets older to keep her looking young.

She confessed: "I definitely believe in plastic surgery. I don't want to be an old hag. There's no fun in that."

Yes I'm aware they spelled her name wrong. Don't let that distract you from her girls.

[Dark Vengeance]

That's probably pretty standard if the emergency is a fire, since the first rule of fires is DON'T USE THE FUCKING ELEVATORS (I have no idea why, but by God it's beaten into my head) and the elevators are how you get around if you're in a wheelchair.  I'd like to think that in an actual emergency there would be at least 4 non-jackasses who would carry the handicapped kids down.

Apparently some idiots in that school didn't figure out that while you may need to leave the wheelchair behind, you should not leave the students behind.

What a godawful retarded policy. Situations like that are why God invented football players.

Bring the noise.
Cheers............

[Shockeye]

Even when you're a Supreme Court Justice, you still should report for jury duty.

Justice is Supreme, but not on jury

By Gina Holland, Associated Press  |  January 5, 2005

No one took notice of the tall, slim man who appeared yesterday for jury duty in Marlborough. Had he worn his black robe, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer no doubt would have drawn more attention.

Even District Court Judge Thomas Sullivan Jr. didn't recognize Breyer until he read the justice's name on a document listing potential jurors. "When I looked at the slip, I said, 'Oh, my God,' " Sullivan said.

Two cases were to be heard, one for drunken driving and another for assault. Enough jurors were picked for the assault case before Breyer's name was called, and the defense attorney in the drunken driving case excluded the justice from that jury.

Breyer, 66, said he felt it was important to do his civic duty. "It proves that everyone can participate," Breyer said.