Shockeye's Useless News

[HaemishM]

Apparently he's hung like a horse.

[sidereal]

And just imagine all of the prostitutes they'll be able to sleep with secondhand.

[Train Wreck]

Wow, nice work Colin. Proclaiming love as girl trouble. He's still single ladies, line up now.


The sad part is that they will.

They're liberated, after all.  They did it by sinking down to our level.

[schild]

As long as Colin doesn't become the new Bruce, I'll go ahead and say he got full frontal nude in A Home at the End of the World. Fortunately I haven't seen it so I can't vouch for his horsiness.

Maybe Signe will go see it, in a pervy way.

[Train Wreck]

Gives a whole new meaning to "The Furry."

I'm going to puke now.

[Signe]

No, I don't think I will.  Or were you mocking me in some way?  I'm never sure.  Someone should invent a sarcastic font.

[Train Wreck]

No, it was a remark on his "full-frontal" pics.

[Soukyan]

Someone should invent a sarcastic font.

Shockeye! Get to work on that! It's fucking brilliant!

[schild]

[Shockeye]

"It's like selling your soul. Selling your children to the devil"

Paris Hilton Not Welcome In Jersey Middle School

UPDATED: 3:20 PM EST January 6, 2005

BUENA BOROUGH, N.J. -- Parents in an Atlantic County, N.J., community say Paris Hilton has no place in their classrooms.

They are upset that the hotel heiress may tape a segment of her reality show, "The Simple Life," at Cleary Junior High School.

Officials say the possibility of the show coming to the school is still in the talking stage and nothing has been agreed upon. But some parents who have children at Cleary are furious and say that under no circumstances do they want any part of Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie. Hilton has appeared in at least two sex tapes that have appeared online.

"I think it's crazy," said Linda Burch, a parent.

"I'm hurt. I'm disgusted," said Cecilia Bachinsky, a grandmother of one of the students.

"One word -- livid," said John Krokos, a student's uncle.

Parents and other angry residents have started a grassroots effort to keep "The Simple Life" away from Cleary Junior High School.

"I think it's a very detrimental thing happening to our children," Bachinsky said.
 
"I can say there's probably a possibility, but we don't know anything definite. That's why I really can't comment," said Tom Kearny, the school district's business administrator.

Officially, administrators with the Buena Regional School District will confirm very little, but sources say the district was approached by people connected with "The Simple Life" last month about the possibility of a segment starring the often provacatively-dressed Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie being recorded at the school.

"It's like selling your soul. Selling your children to the devil," Bachinsky said.

The Fox series features the wealthy young women traveling the country, immersing themselves in the lives of more simple folk.

The parents, who complained that the school district has kept them in the dark, said that a visit to the school would be highly inappropriate and would have nothing to do with learning.

"I just don't feel that our children, our community, should be made a joke of," said Sue Barber, a parent and a township committe member.

Barber said that a crew from the show even came to one her son's classes recently without her knowing.

Philadelphia television station WCAU's calls to the Fox network for comment were not returned. There should be plenty of comments made at the next school board meeting on Tuesday night.

[WayAbvPar]

The same parents who are outraged that someone who was videotaped having legal, consensual sex might somehow convince the 7th graders to start performing oral sex on each other right in the classroom (instead of doing it in the bathrooms at school like they do now) are the same sanctimonious fucks that think nothing of plopping Junior in front of the TV to play GTA or watch [insert name of gratuitously violent TV show or movie here].

The whole American Puritanical 'sex is bad mmmkay?'  but violence is just fine hypocrisy makes me fucking crazy.  GAH.

[Paelos]

Um, I wouldn't want Paris near kids. You at least want them to TRY and pick the right role models and not have psuedo celebrities for all the wrong reason wandering around a fucking junior high. Do you remember middle school? I can't think of a time that was more image driven or socially akward.

Plus, I think the point was more that they were agreeing to tape a TV show for FOX in a classroom. That's just ridiculous.

[Shockeye]

While we wait for the American run, here's an update on the Jerry Springer Opera.

Jerry Springer Opera, featuring 'gay Jesus', sparks record 5,500 complaints

LONDON, Jan 6 (AFP) - Plans to broadcast a London musical that features a nappy-wearing Jesus who admits he is "a bit gay", have sparked a record 5,500 complaints, a television watchdog said Thursday.

The BBC nevertheless vowed to go ahead with its plan to show "Jerry Springer The Opera", based on the controversial US talk show and which is still playing to packed houses in the West End of London.

The opera contains a total of 3,168 "f"-words and 297 "c"-words. The expletive-laden songs include Pregnant By A Transsexual and Here Come The Hookers.

British media regulator Ofcom said it had received 5,500 complaints about the plan to broadcast the show, which is due to be screened on Saturday as the centrepiece of Jerry Springer Night on BBC2.

That figure is three times as many as the previous record holder, Martin Scorsese's film "The Last Temptation of Christ," which sparked 1,554 complaints when it was shown on television here in 1995, it said.

The BBC added that it has received more than 15,000 calls from viewers concerned about the programme.

But the National Secular Society urged the national broadcaster to stand firm against "religious bullies".

"This organised attack is the latest of a series of attempts by religious interests to control what we can see or say in this country," said the group's vice-president Terry Sanderson.

The furore follows a Sikh protest in Birmingham over the staging of a controversial play "Behzti" (Dishonour), which depicts murder and rape in a fictional Sikh temple.

Violent protests led the Birmingham Repertory Theatre to cancel the prdouction.

01/06/2005 18:34 GMT - AFP

[Boogaleeboo]

The whole American Puritanical 'sex is bad mmmkay?' but violence is just fine hypocrisy makes me fucking crazy.

Basic logic. A punch to the mouth from your friend is easier to shrug off than a shot to the cootch that leaves you with a kid at 14. Amazingly enough even when you give them sex ed classes and pregnancy rates drop a bit there's always someone that believes their boyfriend when they say you can't get pregnant if you do it in water. And I don't know what culture you've been watching, but we aren't exactly lacking for sexual content if it comes to that.

Also, it's not hypocritical in the least. It's a different opinion on the matter. Sex is a lot more fun than violence, and it's a lot easier for people to drop their guard in response to it. Whereas you pretty much figure out the downside of violence the first time you stub your toe. That's like saying that being against violence on television and smoking in front of your kids is hypocritical.

[Shockeye]

MC Hammer is going to marry Vince Neil.

MC HAMMER TO MARRY MOTLEY CRUE NEIL

Rap star MC HAMMER is set to officiate at the wedding of MOTLEY CRUE frontman VINCE NEIL on Sunday (09JAN05).

The GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS rocker, 43, and the PRAY rapper, 42, struck up an unlikely friendship during the first series of VH1 reality TV show THE SURREAL LIFE in 2002.

Neil gets on so well with 80s star Hammer - real name STANLEY KIRK BURRELL - he has asked him to conduct the ceremony to girlfriend LIA GERARDINI in Las Vegas, Nevada.

MC Hammer was ordained as a minister last year (04).
06/01/2005 17:55

[Shockeye]

Quick tip, if you're paying for sex, don't flaunt your kiddie porn.

Police: Hooker Turned In John After Seeing Child Porn At His Home

POSTED: 6:07 pm EST January 6, 2005

HOLLYWOOD , Fla. -- A hooker turned in a customer after seeing child pornography, including a video of an apparent toddler rape, on the man's home computer, police said Thursday.

Detective Carlos Negron said police were contacted by the woman two days ago, saying that while at the man's apartment working as a prostitute she saw numerous pictures of children who appeared to be between the ages of 3 and 16 performing sex.

The woman told police that it was a disturbing video that showed the rape of a younger child, perhaps no older than 2, that caused her to make the call after she left the apartment, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported.

Negron said Federico Eduardo Amezaga, 29, let investigators search his apartment, where they found numerous photos and videos of children performing sex acts.

Hollywood officers arrested the man on 15 charges of possessing child pornography and took him to the Broward County Jail, where he was booked under total bond of $150,000.

The jail had no information about his legal representation.

[Shockeye]

After reading this I am glad I missed it.

When Ashlee came on and began to perform, though, I literally dropped my fork. Then I cupped my hands over my ears, but it didn’t help. Ashlee’s singing sounded like a cross between a political prisoner being tortured and a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.

I desperately searched for the remote so I could hit the mute button, but I must have misplaced it. But I also couldn’t believe that someone didn’t rush the stage and stop her. The local police. The FBI. Homeland security. Even an angry mob of vigilantes. Instead, they just let her keep going. I’ve never felt so helpless or vulnerable in my life.

I happened to look out the window and noticed that some of my neighbors were running down the street, their hands over their ears, screaming for help. I wanted to help them, I really did. Yet I was gripped by horror and disbelief. I was practically catatonic. For their sake — and for mine — all I could hope for was a swift end to the halftime show.

Shrieking like a hyena giving birth, she closed her “song” with something that approximates the phrase, “you make we wanna SCREAM!” And then she waited for applause.

Instead, she got boos, the kind of irate and vindictive boos that usually occur after a pro wrestler taunts a crowd.  Through the cacophony, the gentle strains of “You suck!” could be heard. Ashlee was escorted off the stage and through a tunnel, and let’s just say the Indiana Pacers were received more warmly by Detroit fans when they walked toward the locker room after the brawl.

[Rasix]

It was mortifying to watch.  It was the worst life vocal performance I've ever heard, on par with Dirk Diggler's "You've got the touch!" (yes, I know it was intentionally bad).  

She looked so happy with her performance when it ended, and they quickly panned away from her as the boos rained in.  It was glorious.

[Zetleft]

I heard the last part of her 'singing' on the radio this morning, dear god I hope she disappears now for the sake of my ear drums.

[geldonyetich]

I didn't hear it myself, but I was on teamspeak when some of the guildies were watching the game.  

"Don't worry", one of them said, "Her 5 minutes of fame are about over."
"Doesn't matter, she can keep riding her sister's money", said another.
"Her 5 minutes of fame are almost over too.", claimed the original guildy.
Somebody whose mic wsa a bit too quiet said something along the lines of, "So long as there's an MTV generation, they'll still be famous enough."

<groan>

[Dark Vengeance]

Dirk Diggler's "You've got the touch!" (yes, I know it was intentionally bad).

Every time that scene is played, if you listen carefully you can hear Optimus Prime in the background. Weeping.

Bring the noise.
Cheers.............

[Paelos]

The Ashlee Simpson thing was so bad that I was in a full scale duel in Pirates and lost because I had to turn and watch the trainwreck. So bad that it actually diverted my attention from gaming when I wasn't watching in the first place.

As a frame of reference I've been known to tune out loved ones, needy pets, children, and atomic blasts while PC-bound.

[Shockeye]

Job Tip #62 - Don't hand out pictures of yourself wearing only a sack when you're greeting customers.

Rolling back bad taste

A Wal-Mart worker showed a photo of himself wearing only a sack.

By CLARK KAUFFMAN
REGISTER STAFF WRITER
January 7, 2005

A 65-year-old Wal-Mart greeter has been fired for greeting customers with a computer-generated photograph of himself wearing nothing but a Wal-Mart sack.

Dean Wooten was fired in September from his job as a greeter at the Muscatine Wal-Mart store where he had worked for seven years, state records show. He was accused of greeting customers with a picture of himself in which he appeared to be naked except for the carefully placed sack.

Wooten allegedly told customers that Wal-Mart was cutting back on expenses and that the sack represented the new employee uniform.

After some customers complained, a supervisor told Wooten not to display the picture. Five days later, after more customers complained, Wooten admitted he had brought the picture back to work and had been showing it again to customers. He was fired that day.

Wooten applied for unemployment benefits but was denied by Administrative Law Judge Susan Brightman, who ruled that "a reasonable person would know the act of showing a naked body wearing a Wal-Mart sack would not be good for the employer's business."

Wooten said he thought customers would find the photo amusing. It wasn't intended to be critical of Wal-Mart, he said.

"I didn't have nothing against Wal-Mart," he said. "A friend of mine got the photo of the body off the Internet, and he had a picture of me and he put my head on it. When I first seen it, I pretty near died laughing."

[Train Wreck]

While searching for an audio of Ashlee's performance so I could hear for myself what a real trainwreck sounds like, I came across an amusing article about it on Daily News.  It's worth a read if you like articulate venum.

Lately, we've been besieged by public shams, from Jason Giambi's alleged steroid use to never-realized assurances about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. But it's hard to voice our dissatisfaction.

...Ashlee made it easy. She took the stage. She sounded bad. We booed...

...Ashlee, meanwhile, is unfazed by her detractors.

In the upcoming March edition of Teen People, she tells music editor Zena Burns that those who complain about her "are just old people who watch the news and don't know anything about me."

Love how she thinks *watching the news* is a horrible insult to throw at somebody.

Just think of Melissa Etheridge, who struggled with a faulty microphone and detuned guitar during the sold-out, nationally broadcast Concert for New York at Madison Square Garden in 2001. Where Simpson would have smashed the guitar and stormed out, Etheridge persevered and the audience loved her for it.

That about sums it all up.  Nothing is worse than watching a performer crumble.  A real pro can make mistakes look like part of the performance.  I was looking for an audio to find out why the audience hated her, but I think the last paragraph summed it all up: shitty attitude.

[Shockeye]

Felony Growing Pains.

'Growing Pains' Actress Pleads Guilty

VENTURA, Calif. (AP) - Former "Growing Pains" child star Tracey Gold pleaded guilty to driving drunk when her sport utility vehicle overturned, hurting her husband and two of her three children.

Tracey Gold Marshall, 35, sobbed as she stood before a Superior Court judge Thursday and heard the charges against her - one count of felony drunken driving causing injury to her husband and two allegations that she caused injury to two of her sons.

When asked how she intended to plead, she replied an almost inaudible, "guilty."

The former actress, who played Carol Seaver during the seven-year run of "Growing Pains," which ended production in 1992, was behind the wheel of the SUV on Sept. 3, 2004, when it went off a highway in Moorpark and rolled down an embankment.

She will be sentenced March 21. The crimes could lead to a five-year prison term, although Deputy District Attorney John Vanarelli said she would likely be placed on probation because it was her first drunken driving offense.

Mrs. Marshall, her husband Roby Marshall and defense lawyers declined comment.

"For good reasons, we've decided not to discuss this until it is presented to the court for sentencing," defense attorney Chuck Samonsky said.

Mrs. Marshall and her infant son weren't hurt in the crash, but her husband suffered neck injuries and the couple's 5- and 7-year-old sons suffered minor injuries.

[Train Wreck]

After some customers complained, a supervisor told Wooten not to display the picture. Five days later, after more customers complained, Wooten admitted he had brought the picture back to work and had been showing it again to customers. He was fired that day.

I nominate this brave employee for "Jackass of the Year."

[HaemishM]

See, I don't get it. If he wasn't doing it to beef Wal-Mart cutting back on expenses, what the fuck was he doing it for? It only sounds funny in the context of Wal-Mart screwing its employees. Otherwise, it's just a creepy old man handing out even creepier pics of himself.

A trenchcoat is a better disguise than a sack.

[Shockeye]

Fox doesn't want to show us Mickey Rooney's ass and I'm not upset over it.

Actor's backside bared in cold remedy spot
 
ESPN.com news services

Nicollette Sheridan's back before Monday Night Football: yes, though even that pregame spot sparked apologies galore.

Mickey Rooney's backside in a Super Bowl ad: no. Especially not after Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at last year's Super Bowl ...

Fox has rejected a proposed ad for Airborne, a natural cold remedy, that reveals the 84-year-old's rear end, USA Today reported Friday.

In the spot, the veteran movie star freaks out when someone coughs behind him in a sauna -- jumping up, screaming and heading for the door, with his towel slipping in the confusion and baring his backside for about two seconds, according to the newspaper.

"Our standards department reviewed the ad and it was deemed inappropriate for broadcast," Lou d'Ermilio, spokesman for Fox Sports, told USA Today.

Although there's nudity involved, Airborne co-owner Rider McDowell categorized the commercial as harmless. "It's tantamount to showing a baby's bottom," he told the newspaper, expanding on his statement that there's "nothing sexual about the ad."

Rooney concurred, releasing a statement that included the following: "There's nothing sensual about the brief exposure of my backside, and it's not gratuitous. ... It's a fun spot, and the public deserves to see it."

McDowell told USA Today that he thinks Fox is being "overzealous" in rejecting the ad after months of talks. The $1.2 million Airborne planned to spend on the 15-second spot represents 10 percent of the California-based company's budget, according to the newspaper.

David Rice, McDowell's lawyer, sent a letter Monday to the Federal Communications Commission, arguing that the ad is "amusing and entirely appropriate for broadcast" and urging the commission to issue an order directing Fox to broadcast it, USA Today reported, adding that an FCC spokeswoman had responded Thursday that such an order would never happen because the commission responds to complaints after things air.

[HaemishM]

With all due respect to Mickey Rooney, no one needs to see his bare wrinkled ass. Any ad man worth his salt would have known better than to try to get this past standards after last year's fiasco. Not to mention the fact that any ad copy writer or director would know of about 30 billion better and different ways to get the same thing across without having to show the rear.

Fucking dumbasses.

[WayAbvPar]

Any ad man worth his hooves

Had to fix that for you.

While I think it is silly to worry about seeing an old man's ass on TV, I must admit I am just as happy to remain in the dark about how much Rooney's ass sags.

[Shockeye]

I need a shiv and a subscription to classmates.com.

LONDON -- A British man was jailed today for repeatedly stabbing a long-lost best friend he had traced via the popular "Friends Reunited" Web site, and the victim says he still wants to be buddies.

Brendan Walsh, 27, nearly killed Noel Duff when he stabbed him seven times in a drunken rage because he mistakenly believed his friend had attacked his sister, Karen, whom Duff had started dating.

However, Walsh was immediately overcome with remorse, called an ambulance and Duff was rushed to a hospital where doctors said it was a miracle he had survived a stab wound to the heart.

Walsh, who was sentenced to three years in jail by London's Old Bailey after pleading guilty to wounding with intent, had been a close friend with Duff at school and had met up with him again via the Web site, later introducing him to his sister.

"The victim is no longer angry at you and the remarkable fact is that (he) even gave evidence on your behalf and said he would like to be friends with you again," Judge David Paget told Walsh, who was cleared of attempted murder.

"Even the victim later remarked 'I can't believe a stupid fight came to this.'"

[geldonyetich]

7 stabs from a drunken ex-classmate, at least one to the heart, and the victum decides not to press charges afterwards.   I'm not sure what you'd call that.  Being a really nice guy?  Friendship?  Freaking nuts?

[sidereal]

How could you prosecute a face like this?

http://www.eonline.com/Features/Features/90210/Bios/Images/bio_brandon.jpg">

[Shockeye]

I am speechless.

Hollywood glamour couple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have split, Pitt's longtime publicist confirmed Friday.

"We would like to announce that after seven years together we have decided to formally separate," the couple said in a joint statement released by Pitt's publicist Cindy Guagenti. "For those who follow these sorts of things, we would like to explain that our separation is not the result of any speculation reported by the tabloid media. This decision is the result of much thoughtful consideration."

The couple didn't indicate if they planned to file for divorce, and Guagenti declined to comment beyond the statement, which also said, "We happily remain committed and caring friends with great love and admiration for one another."

The separation, first reported on People magazine's Web site, comes 41/2 years after the pair's Malibu wedding and after months of speculation that their marriage was in trouble.

In their statement, they asked for the public's "sensitivity in the coming months."

Aniston has recently been photographed in public without her diamond-studded wedding ring, according to People, although the magazine said the couple had spent the New Year's weekend together on the Caribbean island of Anguilla with Aniston's former "Friends" co-star Courteney Cox and her husband, actor David Arquette.

Pitt, 41, and Aniston, 35, have been together since being set up on a blind date in 1998. They were married in a lavish wedding on July 29, 2000, on a Malibu estate overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Some 200 people attended the event, which included four bands, a gospel choir, fireworks and tens of thousands of flowers.

Part of Pacific Coast Highway was shut down to accommodate the influx of guests, which included actress Cameron Diaz and most of Aniston's "Friends" co-stars. Media reports at the time pegged the event's cost at $1 million. It was the first marriage for both.

Until rumors began swirling that they were about to split, there were near-constant tabloid rumors that Aniston was pregnant. The actress had told People in 2002 that she and Pitt eventually wanted to start a family.

"Absolutely it will happen but probably not for a while," she said at the time.

Since their wedding they have been touted not only as one of Hollywood's most glamorous couples but also one of the film industry's most powerful. They are co-owners of the Plan B production company with producer Brad Grey, who earlier this week was hired to replace Sherry Lansing as head of the Paramount studio.

Aniston is perhaps the most recognizable star of "Friends," the ensemble show that concluded a 10-year run last year as one of television's highest-rated comedies. She also has starred in such films as "Along Came Polly," "Bruce Almighty" and "The Good Girl." Her father is veteran soap opera actor John Aniston.

Pitt, long one of Hollywood' most bankable film stars, is currently seen in "Ocean's Twelve." Other film credits include "Ocean's Eleven," "Fight Club," "Meet Joe Black," "Seven Years in Tibet," "Sleepers," "12 Monkeys," "Legends of the Fall," "A River Runs Through It" and "Thelma & Louise."

I finally have my shot at Rachel. Life is good.

[Shockeye]

Beware roving gangs of masturbaters.

Masturbating boys cause a stir
07/01/2005 12:24  - (SA)

Riot Hlatshwayo and Glacier Nkhwashu

Tzaneen - Sexily-dressed women in a small Limpopo town have fallen prey to a group of teenage street kids that masturbate in public whenever they see them.

One woman, 24-year-old Gloria Shingange, had an embarrassing moment on Thursday when the boys drooled over her at the Tzaneen Mall because she was wearing a mini-skirt.

"They followed me around the mall with their hands inside their trousers. I walked out of the mall and when I stopped at the robot next to the Tzaneen police station they shouted saying I was attractive," Shingage said.

She said the boys took out their penises and started masturbating in full view of everyone while groaning in ecstasy.

Cops just laughed

"One of them said my legs were sexy. He then closed his eyes, grimaced and shouted at the top of his voice in apparent enjoyment of what he was doing," said Shingange.

"He held up his penis for everyone to see and started masturbating," she added.

"I was very embarrassed. They stopped traffic and all eyes were on me."

Shingange's embarrassment was however not going to end there.

The incident sent police officers at the Tzaneen station into stitches as she tried to open a case of public indecency.

The police allegedly refused to open a case, claiming that the street kids didn't commit any offence because they didn't touch her.

"They told me straight in the face that they were not taking my complaint because I wasn't raped," said Shingange.

Mopani police spokesperson Superintendent Moatshe Ngoepe said he wasn't aware of the matter.

"This is an act of public indecency and cannot be tolerated," Ngoepe said.

"Anyone who tries to open a case of any kind at a police station and finds no help must not leave the station without speaking to the station commissioner," he added.

Some people however have a different view.

Vegetable vendor Mthavini Khoza said she condoned the boys' action.

"These boys are doing the right thing because their actions are likely to reduce the tendencies of wearing 3cm (sic) skirts in public and embarrass every woman," she said.

"I wish they rape them one day so they may start respecting their bodies," Khoza said.

One of the boys, a 14-year-old whose name cannot be revealed because of his age, had no qualms to speak about the incident.

"I feel very happy after masturbating next to a woman with beautiful legs and wearing see-through clothes," the boy said.

"There is no girl out there who wants a filthy glue-sniffing street kid so the only way to relieve our sexual appetite is to masturbate," he explained.