Useless Conversation

[Lantyssa]

You thinking she'd have a killer spread?

[Sand]

and saying it needs more drastic steps and our physician would be glad to give advice).

At least she is telling you to consult a physician instead of giving you her own stupid advice on how to go about it?

[ghost]

You thinking she'd have a killer spread?

 

 

[Margalis]

Once on my birthday I got a bad report card from school along with a note that said I would be held back if I skipped a few more days.

Was not a good birthday, and "maybe ruining his birthday will drill this home" was at least part of the reasoning. But parents can spazz out like that because they care, which is important to keep in mind. Cutting off contact seems very extreme.

[Paelos]

Yeah I don't think I'd cut my Mom off because she thought I was fat. In fact, she wrote me a letter when I was getting fat.

I'm not making that up either, it was the same situation, but I used it as motivation to get under 200 pounds, I'm about 8 pounds from hitting 185, which is my goal for the year.

[Bzalthek]

Being 6'8" and built like a damn bear, I keep looking at ideal weight charts and thinking, that is not going to happen.  Couple years ago I weighed myself and clocked in at 550.  Since then I've been on a strict diet with periods of maintenance.  Last friday I weighed in at 367.  Damn near 200 pounds lost.  I'll tell you one thing though, I used to do the whole 'making adjustments, baby steps' cop out.  It's bullshit.  It's a placebo that makes you think you're making a difference without actually paying a price.  It's denial and procrastination.

My goal is to have my weight start with a 2.  After that, I'll see what else needs to be done.

[Viin]

Wow, good for you. And here I am trying to lose 12 lbs ..

[ghost]

6'8" and 550 pounds?  

Strong work on losing all that weight!

[lamaros]

I will just echo the whole "people telling you things you don't want to hear isn't necessarily being mean" stuff.

I have been trying to work out what to do about my brothers, who are currently breaking the law and being adolescent dickheads and negatively influencing their lives and health. It is hard to just come out and say things to people, especially when you don't see them often (I moved to a different state from the rest of the family two years ago). It is very easy to just let things go and say nothing. I'll repeat that: saying and doing nothing is easy. It is much harder to confront someone and say something that you know will make them angry, and possibly change your relationship with them. So when people do do it you need to realise the place it comes from, which is love and concern.

[Nebu]

Last friday I weighed in at 367.  Damn near 200 pounds lost. 

That's awesome!  Your knees and heart will thank you!

Keep it up.  You're doing great. 

[ghost]

The point I think some of you are missing with the RF thing is that there is obviously a tension between the MIL and her son centered around Rhyssa.  I suspect that the mother blames Rhyssa for most of her son's ills and that is what the real problem is here.  I guarantee you there is more to the story than she has told us.  I would still say that cutting off contact is very rough, having done it.  If you can work it out, try to.

[Paelos]

The point I think some of you are missing with the RF thing is that there is obviously a tension between the MIL and her son centered around Rhyssa.  I suspect that the mother blames Rhyssa for most of her son's ills and that is what the real problem is here.  I guarantee you there is more to the story than she has told us.  I would still say that cutting off contact is very rough, having done it.  If you can work it out, try to.

Oh I guarantee the MIL blames Rhyssa. It's the easy thing to do. You blame the spouse and hold your own child blameless. "If only he would get away from that awful woman, he'd change..."

The reality is that's bullshit, of course. It doesn't stop people from constantly trying to meddle though.

[HaemishM]

As someone who has gone through the "cut yourself off from your family" thing, don't. You end up regretting it, missing the interaction and when you finally do come back, the relationship is never quite the same. For the thing you are talking about, it's irritating as fuck, but it ain't worth the heartache. Suck it up, buttercup, and move on.

[Sky]

Just got the budget proposals from the mayor and county exec. Looks like they're slashing us just over a half million (our budget is 1.3m).

[RhyssaFireheart]

The cutting off from his parents, I'm leaving it up to him.  This isn't the sole reason why he would cut off contact, it's more the final straw. 

As for the relationship, tbh, I think/thought I get along with my MIL rather well.  I don't hate her, but she's shown obvious favoritism to her other son over my husband plenty of times.  It's little things, like always being willing to help out BIL to not wanting to come visit us ("she lived in the Chicago area for years, why should she come back?") to basically ignoring us unless she needs something.  We had a running joke back when she lived in the area (and we lived less than a mile away) that the only reason we got invited over for dinner was b/c she needed work done around the house.  If we invited her over for dinner, she'd come over close before dinnertime, make small talk while working on some portable quilt project, eat and then leave rather quickly afterwards.  The FIL was out of the picture  because when he retired, he just up and moved to SC and lived there on his own for over 8 years before they reconciled (or whatever) and then MIL retired and moved there. 

Heck, up until fairly recently, MIL still introduced me as her son's wife, not as her DIL.  I've been with the husband for over 20 years now, married for over 18, yet I honestly believe she still just thinks of me as her son's wife.  MIL has also favored other DIL rather obviously, especially once she and BIL had kids.  I think there is a lot of "you didn't give us grandchildren" tied up into it, because she said something once that made us wonder if she wasn't upset about us not having kids (completely ignoring the whole "I can't have children" medical aspect of things).  Husband is also stuck with the whole "good son" thing, meaning he was the one that stayed in the area, helped out, was available, while BIL moved west and didn't keep in touch, lived the single bachelor life for a long while, and now lives in the middle of WA state (beautiful place, but it's a PITA to get to and out in the middle of nowhere).

Oh, and while he's going to stop calling them every Sunday, I think it's more of a "let's see if they initiate contact" test too.  He's always been the one to try keeping connections alive, they rarely initiate anything.  She can't even remember our anniversary (hint - it's right around Mother's Day) yet remembers the BIL's anniversary and will send a card.  Just silly crap that's built up over the years.  I doubt we'd ever completely cut his parents off, but there is going to be a real cooling in the relationship on his side.

Yeah, probably way more about my family dynamics than any of you wanted to know.

[Ironwood]

I have to laugh.

Sorry, I do.  Not at your misfortunes, which are many and varied, but at the situation you find yourself in.

You're FUCKED.  From what you write, it seems that MIL is never, ever, ever going to take to you and never will.  No Grandkids.  No possibility of Grandkids.  Destroying her Son with your horrid and horrible ways.

Utterly fucked.

I wouldn't get upset over it, nor would I write her out of your life, but what I WOULD do is write her off IN YOUR OWN HEAD.

You're never going to win this one and it's pointless trying.

Just relax and have fun with it.  Seriously.  Go wind her up in numerous ways.  Like, I dunno, make up a pregnancy scare and get her hopes all high before shouting 'PSYCHE' loudly at the dinner table.

Forget about her.  You're done.

[Arthur_Parker]

On families, my sister in law and her husband were really rude to my 4 year old daughter a few months ago, the grandparents asked to take her on a couple of hour visit to her 5 year old cousin, and we are expected to apologise because we let her go.  We only know how rude they were because the grandparents immediately told us, the sister in law has been odd before but it's family so I've just shrugged it off, but I can't believe some people would actually do that to a kid because they wanted "quality time" with the grandparents for their son.  They only live 40 mins away and the grandparents live close to us but tell us when they want to see our kid.

Then it's the nephews birthday, I've convinced the wife to go to the party with me to appease them, life's too short right?  The grandparents show up and make it clear my wife shouldn't go (reading between the lines the sister doesn't want her there).  So I go and have to endure her and the husband being fake polite to me, I'm not going to ruin a kids party so I'm perfectly polite too. 

Christmas is going to be fun considering the sister has turned the other brother, who lives thousands of miles away, against the wife too and the whole time I'm thinking my wife is pissed but I'm incandescent with rage and can't even let anyone know without making it worse.

[Chimpy]

Do I spend 50 bucks to see Lewis Black on Friday?

Hmmm.

[Ironwood]

I don't understand you people at all.

When you take a wife and have a kid, you make your own family.  They are your priority.

If any member of my family did this type of shit to my new family, they'd be out.  For full Disclosure, I haven't talked to my brother for over 10 years because he fucked off my wife with his insistence that we invite his mistress to our wedding.  We told him to spin, since his wife and kids were going to be there.

Cut 'em off.  And Often.  

[RhyssaFireheart]

I have to laugh.

Sorry, I do.  Not at your misfortunes, which are many and varied, but at the situation you find yourself in.

You're FUCKED.  From what you write, it seems that MIL is never, ever, ever going to take to you and never will.  No Grandkids.  No possibility of Grandkids.  Destroying her Son with your horrid and horrible ways.

Utterly fucked.

I wouldn't get upset over it, nor would I write her out of your life, but what I WOULD do is write her off IN YOUR OWN HEAD.

You're never going to win this one and it's pointless trying.

Just relax and have fun with it.  Seriously.  Go wind her up in numerous ways.  Like, I dunno, make up a pregnancy scare and get her hopes all high before shouting 'PSYCHE' loudly at the dinner table.

Forget about her.  You're done.

LOL  Yeah, it's taken me a long while to realize that it's not my problem, it's hers.  And while the whole pregnancy scare thing might be amusing, it's not going to work considering I'm having a hysterectomy done on the 17th (I'll spare the male sensibilities around here and not give details after the fact.  I'll leave you all to Sand's tender TMI mercies instead.  )

I'm comforted by the fact that at least I know my mom loves us both as we are, is willing to help out as much as possible, doesn't try to dictate anything to us and she loves my husband like one of her own.  In fact, my mom will call and end up speaking to my husband and in one or two cases, never end up talking to me because he was the one she wanted to talk to.  I've joked that she loves our dog first, then the husband, and then me.

Fake edit - Oh wow, that's got to be rough AP.  Especially when the SIL is bringing the kids into it or using them as an excuse.  Have you tried talking to your other brother to see what SIL is saying that's turning family against your wife?

[Sand]

I used to do the whole 'making adjustments, baby steps' cop out.  It's bullshit.  It's a placebo that makes you think you're making a difference without actually paying a price.  It's denial and procrastination.

I wasn't going to go there since it isn't a politics thread, but yeah I was thinking the same thing.

[RhyssaFireheart]

I don't understand you people at all.

When you take a wife and have a kid, you make your own family.  They are your priority.

If any member of my family did this type of shit to my new family, they'd be out.  For full Disclosure, I haven't talked to my brother for over 10 years because he fucked off my wife with his insistence that we invite his mistress to our wedding.  We told him to spin, since his wife and kids were going to be there.

Cut 'em off.  And Often.  

Wait, your brother wanted to bring his mistress to your wedding that his wife and kids were going to be at?  How does someone even remotely think that's appropriate?!?

As for cutting them off, I've openly told my family that I love them best from 300 miles away.  

[RhyssaFireheart]

I used to do the whole 'making adjustments, baby steps' cop out.  It's bullshit.  It's a placebo that makes you think you're making a difference without actually paying a price.  It's denial and procrastination.

I wasn't going to go there since it isn't a politics thread, but yeah I was thinking the same thing.

How would that toss it into politics?

And I'd actually been feeling good about myself before this because I'd lost a bit (a tiny bit, but still...) of weight and was doing better, then got the "birthday gift".

[ghost]

So does that mean we get to hear more about Sand's colon?

[Arthur_Parker]

When you take a wife and have a kid, you make your own family.  They are your priority.

My daughter loves her cousin, she only has two and the other one is older and in Ireland, plus it's not making the grandparents life any easier.  I grew up with about 26 first cousins, I just see it differently.

[Paelos]

I'm glad my family like each other.

Citibank is trying to screw over my cousin on a house he was upside down on, but he told them to go fuck themselves and moved. So I get a lot of financial questions about that.

[Ironwood]

Fair enough AP.  Elena loves playing with she's cousins too and I wouldn't let anything really get in the way of that either.

(Yes, Ryssa, the marriage was all but over and he'd already moved on to this utter, utter execrable cunt of a woman.  Who he wanted at a table with his wife and kids who'd only just found out, kids were quite young and wife quite devastated.  It was....not his finest moment.  Even worse since he was meant to be the best man, and therefore wouldn't even be sitting with her, she'd be at that table on her todd.  It was just blinding thinking from day one.  Thus was born the story of how I got a new best man and my Bro and I stopped talking.)

[Paelos]

Once again reminding us that you Scots are a contentious lot.

[Arthur_Parker]

Fake edit - Oh wow, that's got to be rough AP.  Especially when the SIL is bringing the kids into it or using them as an excuse.  Have you tried talking to your other brother to see what SIL is saying that's turning family against your wife?

Thanks, I feel for your situation too.  It's the wife's brother and he spilled it all in a nasty email, all stuff about daughter seeing grandparents too much, he's thousands of miles away, the grandparents call the shots on the visits, we are actually a bit paranoid about taking advantage now, so no surprise where that came from.  

[ghost]

Once again reminding us that you Scots are a contentious lot.

Sounds to me like he did the right thing.

[Paelos]

Once again reminding us that you Scots are a contentious lot.

Sounds to me like he did the right thing.

I meant his brother.

[ghost]

Once again reminding us that you Scots are a contentious lot.

Sounds to me like he did the right thing.

I meant his brother.

Sounds like anywhere really.  Men are assbags much of the time. 

[Paelos]

It's also a Simpson quote from the past. Stop reading into it. 

[ghost]

It's also a Simpson quote from the past. Stop reading into it. 

This is f13.  We have to be serious.  All.  The. Fucking. Time.   

[Ingmar]

Sure, it sounds like the right move, but then his brother steals his sheep, Ironwood burns down his outhouse in retaliation, and it just devolves from there.