Useless Conversation

[Furiously]

We will have (hopefully only) 3 in 6 years now.....  At least one is out of diapers now

Well, by the time they all get out you will be close to getting into them yourself!

[Yegolev]

The correct answer was that I neglected to buy a Valentine's Day card or other gift while I was out.  I am not going to bring it up because she has had a pretty stressful year so far, and I really need to do something astounding for her, but I wanted to know if I was missing something obvious.  I did deliver a card and yellow roses on the Day, and I'm far from the only man that stops on the way home from work to pick up these items.  I made a legal play but the ref is having a bad time, I think.

So for Round Two, I'm being led into failure again, perhaps.  She calls me up on the 14th and says, exactly, "Why does all the cool stuff happen when we don't have any money?!"  Which is true, we don't.  Outgoing > incoming at the moment.  She tells me about Ben Folds playing with a symphony in Raleigh.  I, of course, don't pick up on this as a hint that I need to arrange anything, and worse than that I was in the middle of a group of people doing Work Stuff.  So I said I would like to call her later.  Time passes and I'm informed about how terrible I am.  After listening to the details, I'm all for going, then we have a happy (non-sarcastic) discussion about how I have no idea what to get her.  I put forth the idea that if some holiday was invented for which I was expected to deflect things that she doesn't want, I would be the fucking hero of Slap-It-Down Day.

Later that evening, unprompted, she says that she has decided she doesn't want to go to Raleigh.  Trap? [y|n]  I seem to be incapable of understanding how this works, and so I put the idea to rest per the literal instruction.  Since this is what I always do, I might need to do the opposite.

Today I get a call from my sister-in-law, and she tells me that I really need to buy those tickets and get a hotel room and all that.  She volunteers to take care of the boy while we are gone.  She happens to be someone who likes Coach purses and Twilight, so I'm not immediately jumping on the "she knows what my wife wants" wagon.  So, despite being told by my wife that "those F13 people don't know anything", once again I am here.  Wat do?

[bhodi]

It's too late; you already stuck your... okay look, if Outgoing > Incoming, you don't spring for a goddamned trip with hotel room. That's just a financial reality.

[Mazakiel]

From what you've said, I would guess that she WANTS to go, but has convinced herself that due to the mentioned money issues, it would be a bad idea.  But that she's been telling her sister how much she'd like to go, how much it sucks that you guys can't, etc.  Whether she's just sick of hearing about it, or trying to do you a solid, the sister-in-law is probably telling you to do the concert because she knows the wife would love to go.  Offering to take care of the kid seems like a nice gesture to make sure you guys can have a good time to yourselves.  

So if you can find a way to make it happen, it'd probably be a good idea.  If money makes it just not possible, might see if the sister-in-law can watch the kid and just give you guys a nice weekend or something. 

[Yegolev]

Forgetting about my so-called budget, the consensus is that she wants me to take her?  Are women financially practical?  Will she be pissed that I spent the cash?  What are the numerous ways I can fuck up this?

I suppose I need to remember my resolution to regret doing things instead of regretting NOT doing things.  I am convincing myself to do it, so now I have to decide if I want to go to Raleigh NC or Jacksonville FL.  Ft. Worth is too far, and Edmonton... ha, no way.

[HaemishM]

Just remember that whatever you do, it will be wrong in some way, even if it is right on the day you give it to her.

You could just say "Isn't it steak and blowjob day?" and point to the party zone. 

[MuffinMan]

Yep, firmly in "damned if you do, damned if you don't" territory at this point.

I endorse Haem's suggestion since you're already up the creek. 

[Mazakiel]

In my somewhat jaded opinion, they're financially practical until it's something they want.  But yeah, she could get mad you spent the cash.  I would think she wouldn't, because it sure seems like she really wants to go, but...I can only go by what's posted.  As has been said already, you're sailing into 'Damned if you do, damned if you don't' territory.  Here Be Dragons. 

You mention she's had a stressful year, and that you feel like you need to do something astounding for her.  This sounds like a good opportunity to do it.  If you surprise her and she gets mad, there's always the time between now and then for her to warm up to the idea and have a good time once you go.  

You could try testing the waters beforehand by 'I think we could make it work, would you prefer going to Raleigh or Jacksonville?'.  

While I would think it'd make her happy to get to go, my experience with my personal crazy person may not translate too well.  

[Merusk]

The reason we F13 people don't know anything is the majority of us wouldn't jump through these hoops, methinks.  But I'm a huge asshole who's damn near hitting the "divorced asshole" line so what do I know?

I know I'm happier not messing with it, though my bliss may not be yours.

[ezrast]

If money makes it just not possible, might see if the sister-in-law can watch the kid and just give you guys a nice weekend or something.

This. Find something else nice to do that she'll enjoy, and you're a) respecting her decision to not go see Ben Folds, b) being financially responsible, and c) surprising her rather than waffling on a decision that's already been made.

Course, if coming up with romantic things to do was as easy as that, you wouldn't be having this problem.

[Furiously]

Yegolev, you just need to remember....Bitches ain't shit. (NSFW)

[Khaldun]

I think nice times are nice, but it's awfully hard to have a nice time when lots of factors are conspiring to make it an Official High-Pressure Nice Time.

If you really want to make someone feel nice, the thing to do is do some things quietly and without prompting that make their lives easier, relieve some burden. An unexpected, surprising fun time is better than a heavily planned and hotly contended fun time.

[Strazos]

I would like to thank the state of Benin for being so kind as to allow the country to have internet access again. It was only down for 3 days this time - progress.

[Yegolev]

Course, if coming up with romantic things to do was as easy as that, you wouldn't be having this problem.

Yep.

Time for funny pictures.

[Samwise]

Forgetting about my so-called budget, the consensus is that she wants me to take her?

Yes.

Are women financially practical?

Will she be pissed that I spent the cash?

Not if you can do it without it directly impacting her.

What are the numerous ways I can fuck up this?

Bringing up the expense or otherwise being passive-aggressive or whiny about the whole thing.  Maintain the frame of mind that you are lucky to be able to do this thing for her and you're unlikely to get in trouble.

Take Internet advice with a grain of salt, but I would make that concert happen.  Go for the cheapest acceptable (hopefully you know her well enough to know exactly what her standards of comfort are) travel/hotel options, because getting to the concert is the main point.  If money's tight, I'd find some way to make it up on my own -- eBay some old crap of mine that I don't need, brown-bag my lunch for a couple of months, sell some blood plasma, whatever.  If you both have to suffer the expense, it's not really a gift from you to her.

[Ironwood]

So, Sam, with all that advice, you'll be in a rock solid relationship right now.

 

[Chimpy]

So, Sam, with all that advice, you'll be in a rock solid relationship right now.

 

Hindsight is 20/20?

heh

[Paelos]

It's a 6.5 hour drive to Raleigh, Yeg. Take a day and swing it.

[Merusk]

Don't put the pussy on a pedestal.  It'll only hurt you in the long run.

[Sjofn]

Women aren't all the same, just a reminder. 

[Paelos]

Don't put the pussy on a pedestal.  It'll only hurt you in the long run.

Ugh. 

[ghost]

I'm thinking about applying for a faculty position at the University of Otago in New Zealand.  Is that nuts?

Women aren't all the same, just a reminder. 

And last time I checked you guys were all pink on the inside, right?   

[Salamok]

According to the post at the top of the page, "she doesn't want to go to Raleigh".  So if you go, go to Jacksonville.  Also, it sounds to me like she really wants to go but is leaving you with a guilt free way out if you feel it is too much.  

How long have you been married?  Communicating with your spouse shouldn't be this hard.

[Selby]

Is the economy finally recovering enough that headhunters are having the balls to call people on their work phones during the middle of the day?  And they never respond to my question of how they got the number...

[Yegolev]

Don't put the pussy on a pedestal.  It'll only hurt you in the long run.

This isn't a problem anymore and it's best for both of us.  But going but the numbers, I need to do something nice.

Here's what happened.  I just asked her last night what the reasons were for her not wanting to go.  Money?  Distance?  Turns out it is a combination.  If it was $500 and about an hour away, no problem.  If it was cheaper and six hours away, no problem.  I nodded, told her I was totally on board with going, then reminded her that I had said (I'm getting better at playing) I wanted to take us somewhere without the boy for a weekend, so maybe I can take her someplace closer or cheaper, not with a concert.  This is where I am now, Square One with planning a weekend again.  She is still mysteriously pissed at me but it's receding in my rear-view mirror at this point.

How long have you been married?  Communicating with your spouse shouldn't be this hard.

iknowrite ... Married for 13, known each other for 17.  It's stubbornness.

Is the economy finally recovering enough that headhunters are having the balls to call people on their work phones during the middle of the day?  And they never respond to my question of how they got the number...

Fuck yes.  At least for UNIX/AIX admin work, I've been called for a few months now.  I tell them to email me.  I'm being convinced I need to take on one of these telecommute positions and just halfass it until they let me go.  It would be easy money as long as I was able to quash my professional pride.

Another route has recently been brought to my attention: Guardium.  I have easy access to some devices and light OTJ, and the money says I need to get into this now.

[Merusk]

Was meant for Sam. (AND totally tongue-in-cheek)  I know you're too old and married to be doing it.

How long have you been married?  Communicating with your spouse shouldn't be this hard.

Sometimes spouses just don't WANT to communicate.  Then you're just fucked.   For all the bitching I've heard female friends do about their husbands 'not communicating' I've watched them do the same right back. 

"I'm pissed at Jeff.  He didn't buy me the scarf I said I wanted for my birthday." 
"Did you tell him?"
"I'm not talking to him right now I'm so pissed."

"Damnit, Jason joined another (third) softball league.  It's like he doesn't pay attention to me when I say we have no extra money."
"Well, you're in charge of the budget, why did you let him have the money?"
"He wouldn't listen to me anyway."
"So you told him no and he did it anyway? That seems like a problem."
"No, I just knew he'd do it either way so I didn't say anything.  I'll just have to find the money someplace else."

 

[Sjofn]

The second one sounds like a lady that learned the "Don't be a fuckin' SHREW, you BITCH" lesson well. 

[Samwise]

So, Sam, with all that advice, you'll be in a rock solid relationship right now.

 

My ex-wife told me after we filed for divorce that I was the best husband she could imagine having had.  Take that for what it's worth.  

I'm bad at a lot of things, but I'm very good at all the nice ones.

[Ironwood]

That was only so you didn't fucking murder the bitch and put her under the patio.

[Samwise]

After all the work I put into that patio?  Don't be ridiculous.

[TripleDES]

One thing I've figured out is that it helps starting a fight intentionally once a while. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's someone clamming up and making me miserable because I don't know what the fuck. I'm as chill as one can be, in person, you need to stab me in the leg or something to get a rise out of me. So I don't see any reason why my SO can't just come straight at me and talk fact.

[Ironwood]

After all the work I put into that patio?  Don't be ridiculous.

Actually, your garden is looking stunning.  Christine wants you to come over and assist us in the spring.  I suspect her motives aren't pure though.

[Nebu]

I'm thinking about applying for a faculty position at the University of Otago in New Zealand.  Is that nuts?

Nuts no.  Just be very thorough about the details, particularly if they expect a research program.

[Chimpy]

Also make sure your wife is eligible for a work visa. Even if she doesn't work now, a lot of people who travel overseas with their spouses who are working/studying in academia get really bored/angsty when their options are so limited.

[ghost]

Anything specific, Nebu?  I suppose I can always have you do a consult for me, right?  

What they want me to apply for is "Senior Lecturer" level.  I don't know exactly what that is, but it sounds better than Assistant Professor.

And the wife is a pediatric dentist.  We're going to try and get her on the faculty at least part time as well.