Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?

[voodoolily]

Frankly, I'm deeply dismayed that this wasn't posted here sooner. I wanted to put it up last week, but the links don't work anymore. It's still funny enough to read, though.

I will pay ANY PRICE in gold to whoever can give information as to how I can get myself into a loving relationship. (AKA a girlfriend.)

The amount of gold I'm willing to pay has no limit. Simply post your advice here, and name your price. If your tip actually gets me a significant other, I will pay you for your help.

1k gold? You got it. 2k? Sure. 3k? I'll farm days on end until I can pay you. Want real life money? No problem. I'll just mail it / paypal it to you.

I am 100% serious about this. Now, about myself:

My real life name is Ben, I'm 19 years old, 5"10, 170 pounds. I can lift about 120 lbs in weight, I have brown hair, blue eyes, and have never experienced intimacy with a woman before.

What does that mean exactly? That means I've never once held hands, cuddled, hugged, or even kissed a girl. Ever. Not once in my entire life have I had any form of intimacy. The furthest I have ever gotten with a girl is socialization. We talked for about 4 months, 9 hours a day over the internet, and for about 2 weeks 30 minutes a day in person. (At school.) Unfortunately she had far too many guy friends, one which she liked more, and decided to have nothing to do with me. I hacked her e-mails / AIM / forum accounts and everything else I could google in order to get revenge. I learned more than I ever wanted from that, and it hurt me to the point where I'd never do something like that again. The whole ordeal left me so crushed I tried to kill myself by jumping off a 3rd story building. Unfortunately I survived the fall. My legs are fine.
The only other time I had ever "socialized" with another girl was over a dating site, where this girl claimed to be a "girl gamer" but couldn't prove it. She invited me to the movies and a road trip, but I had work at the time. One night at 2:00 in the morning, I googled her AIM name and found her Xanga site. I said "Hi" on her Xanga, and she suddenly thought I was a stalker, and wanted nothing to do with me. :-/

Need to know what I look like? No problem.

(Pictures go from most recent to old.)

(Future Grand Marshal)
http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/8008/jam12pc.jpg

(Attempting a smile.)
http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/2729/jam25hd.jpg

(Attemping a "look away from the camera to up sex appeal.)
http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/4631/jam39zf.jpg

(Trying to look good with a head tilt.)
http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/6082/jam40en.jpg

(Another sitting on my bed pic. Happier than the first.)
http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/8007/jam57wd.jpg

Everyone has their own unique clothing that makes them different from other people. Here's mine.
http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/4738/gaminggod1sl.jpg

http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/5462/gamer9ny.jpg

I don't smile very much, as I have awful teeth:
http://img327.imageshack.us/img327/6259/myteeth0ar.jpg

Here's some older pictures.

(Me looking innocent.)
http://img327.imageshack.us/img327/3942/neutraljam5qe.jpg

(I don't like my hair short.)
http://img327.imageshack.us/img327/9404/happyjam9uz.jpg

(Long hair FTW!)
http://img320.imageshack.us/img320/8058/glassjam5ji.jpg

(Me without glasses.)
http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/2244/jammno6cc.jpg


So yes, that's what I look like. I wouldn't say I'm a stud, but at least I'm not undesirable in the looks category.

As for my life, I work as a sacker at a grocery store. I make minimum wage, but I don't really buy anything, so I have TONS of money saved up to spend on whatever I want. So money isn't a problem.

I have my own car. A 98 black Saturn in good condition. It's not a sexy car, it's not an ugly one either. It's just a generic car.

My diet consists of soup, chips, and water / juices. When my parents buy me food, it's usually expensive restraunt food. (12-14$ per person expensive.)

My metabolism is a blessing. I can eat greasy, unhealthy uber fattening junk food all I want and not gain much weight from it. If I work out or do any form of excersize I lose a ton of weight.... fast. So fast it's almost unhealthy. So I don't work out much, cause I don't need to.

Here's a dating site I signed up for if you want to learn just a bit more about me:
http://www.okcupid.com/profile?tuid=114552623809861769

I have a photographic memory, and am highly intelligent, but I suffer two "extremes."
1) I cannot comprehend math beyond a 7th grade level. (Algebra and up = PHAIL!)
2) My direction sense doesn't exist. I can't find my way for $!@%.

My daily schedule is sort of like this:

Wake up at 2:00 PM.
Go to work at 4:00 PM
Get home at 12:00 AM.
My time is free from 12:30 AM to 10:00 AM
Sleep from 10:00 AM to 2:00 PM

As you can see, I'm a night person. Not every day do I have to work. I usually have Tuesdays off, and the other days are random. O.o

I do not smoke, drink, or do drugs. So if your advice involves getting a drug addiction, going to a bar, or "smoking to look cool" then I will not do it. Also I do not go to school / refuse to go to college, so that's out. Also, I have no friends with connections, so I can't meet anyone that way.

Here's a list of public places I know how to get to:
1) The mall. It has a crappy arcade no one ever attends. Not very popular, but loads of people walk about the mall. Tons of people here. Lots of them are filthy rich, or underage, or both. O.o
2) Putt-Putt. It's a pretty popular arcade, especially amongst DDR players. It has go-carts, a boat ride, and mini-golf, as well as batting cages. I go here 2-3 times a week.
3) Movies. Just a movie theater. Located in between the mall and Putt-Putt.
4) Lots of eating places, movie theaters, cafe's, super markets, etc.

I can socialize. It's not my strong point, but I can look people in the eye and listen intently, or talk a bit on my own. The only time I can't is when I'm overcome with lonliness. Rarely happens as I keep myself in control, but when it does, I just look at the floor / off to the side.

As for arcades, I'm a professional Tekken 5 player. I can practically beat everyone at any arcade I go to unless they're world champs that fly to Korea to compete. (JinKid, who lives 15 minutes from me, and we play / train a lot.) I currently hold 80 wins, 2 losses as Ling Xiaoyu. Unfortunately at arcades, I have yet to impress any women with these skills, and have since taken up DDR. Not only to impress, but to "level up" my stamina. Any other arcade I can last a very long time / can beat on a single quarter.

As for real life friends, I have 2. Well, 4 if you count college / millitary. But right now just 2. One is a pothead / alcoholic / pill popper, the other is an ice user / pothead / alcoholic. They both have girlfriends, who have no female friends. They themselves also have no female friends. So telling me to meet someone through my friends will not work. :~(

My personality is mostly gaming oriented, and that's about it. I'm not mean to anyone, unless they really deserve it. Though I'm not really too nice either. Though I'd be nice to anyone who took interest in me.

My interest in music is non-existent. Yes, that's right. I don't listen to music. Well, I try, but it really doesn't entertain me. Just not interested in music. Sad

My religion is "custom" or "agnostic" I guess. I believe in many things, but not one thing. Just random stuff like how the world might be some sort of MMORPG and we're just NPC's, or how people don't go to hell forever, cause that'd be cruel. Just random stuff like that. I call it "Jammnoism." O.o

If there's anything else you need to know about me, or pictures, or whatever that'll help you give me advice in order to get a significant other, just ask. I'm willing to do what you feel it takes for me to find my special someone.

I'm very serious about this. If you take the time to educate me in the ways of "reality" I will take my time to enrich you in the gaming world. Don't want WoW gold / Real life money? How about items / currency from another game? Just name your price and if your advice helps me get a life, then I'll do it.

When I say "girlfriend" I don't mean a sex partner. I'm not out for sexual intercourse. I'm out for love.

Everyone else who doesn't have advice, you can go ahead and call me a loser and all that. I don't really care. The only way you could truly ever crush my spirit and make me feel down is if you qualify for ALL of these:
1) You can beat me at Tekken 5
2) You can beat me at Warcraft 3
3) You can beat me at Diablo 2.
4) You're better than me in real life.
5) You're better than me in WoW.
6) You're basically better than me at gaming in general.

I'd prefer you post your advice here, to make it "official," but if you don't want it to be seen by the public, just e-mail em to me at jammno@gmail.com or contact me on AIM at: Jammno

This is a completely serious topic. Be my mentor / trainer / whatever, and if what you teach helps me, I will reward you greatly.


http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.a...mp=1#post129187

[stray]

This is where silly, overused statements like "I Pity the Fool!" make sense.

[Sky]

That's just pathetic.

[voodoolily]

Here's the Something Awful thread with AIM conversations wth the poor kid.

Someone from f13 has already commented. (WHo's got the kitten named Guybrush Threepwood?)

[HaemishM]

Nothing I could say to or about this person would equal the blow life has already dealt him.

[Furiously]

Here's the Something Awful thread with AIM conversations wth the poor kid.

Someone from f13 has already commented. (WHo's got the kitten named Guybrush Threepwood?)

Did I mention my kitten is a talker? He also loves water. I love turning on the sink, he sticks his head under it to take a drink and then wonders why he is getting wet. My wife likes to take baths. Needless to say, Guybrush has taken a bath. I think he decided he doesnt like that. He is annoying me by jumping between us when we sleep. I can push him off to the side, but when I wake up. There he is in the middle again. Ohh - too much sharing?

[Bunk]

Not compared to the guy above...

[voodoolily]

Nothing I could say to or about this person would equal the blow life has already dealt him.

ROFL!

Furiously, are you "Threepwood" on Something Awful?

[Fabricated]

Well, I'm uglier than him, but I definitely have better teeth. Jesus, That kid didn't fucking listen to to all that brush your teeth stuff you get pounded into your head at childhood.

[stray]

I know that Voodoo said that the original thread had been pulled, but which section of the boards did he originally post this in anyways? What would possess him to do this? Do other people post similar things there?


Anyways, I'm going to make an prediction that this thread (this one) doesn't have much life in it. We can only reply about this guy so much...So...I'm going to spice it up a bit.

Lets make this the True Confessions thread!

No?

Here, I'll start:

I'm a jerk. Sorry about that.

I don't take the Internet seriously enough, and in turn, I don't take people on the Internet seriously enough.

I'm going to turn over a new leaf though. I realize now that I should take the Internet seriously, and in turn, should take people on the Internet seriously. Whether this means that I'll be even more of a jerk from now on, or more pleasant, is yet to be seen.

There's at least a "chance" that I'll be more pleasant than before though. Not necessarily a chance that I'll be more pleasant than a jerk, but a chance that I'll be more pleasant than before. You can count on that.

[edit] Due to a skateboarding accident several years back, I cracked my four front teeth. I now have a bridge and a perfect smile.

But.....I just found out the other day that I need a root canal. Winning smile or not, I failed to care for at least a bottom right molar.

[edit] I'm also saddened right now that I just saw Samwise viewing this thread, but yet, didn't care enough to respond.

[Sky]

Root canals are no big deal. I didn't even feel mine. Novacaine is your friend and whatnot. "Apology" accepted (not really needed, imo, but it was nice). Panties unbunched! :P

My confession....I need to expand my musical theory, as I'm hampered by my metal roots and stuck in minor modes. That's about it imo.

[stray]

Well, when I cracked those four front teeth, I had to get root canals on two of them. I remember that they had to give me more shots of Novacaine than expected...The process was painful as hell and took forever. I'd hate to deal with the same thing again (but I have to, I guess).

[voodoolily]

Getting a root canal is only about as jarring as getting a tattoo, imo. But I'm female, and everyone knows women have higher pain thresholds.

My confession: even though I act mostly surly and salty, it hurts my feelings that no one's commented on my review. I put time into the latest one, and even rented the game specifically so I could contribute something to this site. I don't think anyone besides Shockeye and Sauced has even read it. 

[stray]

It hasn't been frontpaged it seems. Where is it?

[stray]

It hasn't been frontpaged it seems. Where is it?

[edit] Oops. Nevermind.

[edit] 2 posts...Hmm. How'd that happen?

[schild]

Getting a root canal is only about as jarring as getting a tattoo, imo. But I'm female, and everyone knows women have higher pain thresholds.

My confession: even though I act mostly surly and salty, it hurts my feelings that no one's commented on my review. I put time into the latest one, and even rented the game specifically so I could contribute something to this site. I don't think anyone besides Shockeye and Sauced has even read it. 

It's tough for a bunch of embittered PC Gamers to discuss a wee version of a console game when things like a new version of Civ is punching them in the face. Also, it's Castlevania. A fantastic version of Castlevania at that - not too shocking. Oh, and you know damn well I read it. Also, there's a new console out this week. Weeeee.

[Furiously]

Nothing I could say to or about this person would equal the blow life has already dealt him.

ROFL!

Furiously, are you "Threepwood" on Something Awful?

No.

[Sky]

Yeah...it's Castlevania. My eye just brushes past words like that or PeeEssToo.

[schild]

Yeah...it's Castlevania. My eye just brushes past words like that or PeeEssToo.

That's because you're a freak.

[stray]

I'm a console gamer.....Just out of the loop.

Castlevania sounds rent worthy at least.

[Bunk]

Getting a root canal is only about as jarring as getting a tattoo, imo. But I'm female, and everyone knows women have higher pain thresholds.

My confession: even though I act mostly surly and salty, it hurts my feelings that no one's commented on my review. I put time into the latest one, and even rented the game specifically so I could contribute something to this site. I don't think anyone besides Shockeye and Sauced has even read it. 

Hey, I read it. I just commented on it before it made the front page, thats all. I didn't notice you contributing to my article's thread...

:)

[stray]

So, does it mean that I'm not a jerk if I'm actually willing to admit I'm a jerk?

Confession: Very few will confess much of anything, so I've changed my mind and decided to be a jerk again. It's necessary.

Hello again, Internet 

[Der Helm]

Hey, I read it. I just commented on it before it made the front page, thats all. I didn't notice you contributing to my article's thread...

What is this frontpage, everybody is talking about ?

You know someone had to say it.

[Sky]

Hey now, I made a serious confession, jerkwad 

(Moving the text I was putting here into the guitar thread...necromancy ++)

[voodoolily]

Hey, I read it. I just commented on it before it made the front page, thats all. I didn't notice you contributing to my article's thread...

:)

fwiw, I did read most of it, but I don't really have any kind of grasp on modding and my eyes started to glaze over. Sorries! I'm just not the right audience for gaming articles that use words bigger than "fun". 

[lamaros]

Why have I not seen this before?

Clearly the whole post is trolling.

The whole ordeal left me so crushed I tried to kill myself by jumping off a 3rd story building. Unfortunately I survived the fall. My legs are fine.

If that doesn't scream "anyone who takes this seriously is a sucker" then I don't know what to say.

[Ironwood]

Heh.

Maybe it's a chat-up line ?

"Hey, Baby, My Legs are Fiiiiine...."

No ?

Ok.

[lamaros]

Reading through that something awful forum... The guy has some hilarious moments in the chat log(s). :)

Given that most of the responses I've seen so far take him seriously it's some of the best trolling I've seen, though he seemed to get bored of it and make it pretty obvious in the end with his self-referential quips.

Buzkashi X: Hey man I had a question about your post on the WoW forums
jammno: What is it?
Buzkashi X: If you got a girlfriend who would be willing to never talk to any guys, what would you do about the female members of your guild?
jammno: Leave the guild.
jammno: Or keep it strictly business.
Buzkashi X: Business as in raids and trading?
jammno: Yes.
jammno: And verbal business as well.
Buzkashi X: Verbal?
jammno: "Jammno, so how was your day?" "Don't talk to me."
Buzkashi X: Oh, right, of course
jammno: "Jammno, we're raiding Thunderbluff." "On my way."
Buzkashi X: Good point, I hadn't thought of that

This is deadpan comedy gold.

[Signe]

Does anyone remember the pre-release WoW forums?  People were crying that they would commit suicide if they didn't get an invite.  People were posting their long, sad personal stories... everything from having incurable diseases to being a disabled vet sent home to recuperate.  This is the first time I've seen someone try and get a woman by telling the world they are the saddest motherfucker alive... no life, no money, no personality, no future... and no intention of ever changing any of that.  Come on, girls... how can you think that's not charming?

[voodoolily]

I know! Call me crazy, but nothing gets my roos in a wad like pure, unadulterated self-loathing, insecurity and desperation. I honestly have no idea why these guys don't get snatched right up.

[Furiously]

Because the smell of BO overpowers the smell of desperation?

[voodoolily]

I love BO (on Sauced). It's pure sex.

[Signe]

To be honest, normal body odour doesnt bother me at all.  What makes me want to puke is too much perfume to hide normal body odour. 

[stray]

To be honest, normal body odour doesnt bother me at all.  What makes me want to puke is too much perfume to hide normal body odour. 

I could say something like "Aren't you glad you're living in America now?", but that would make me a dick.

[voodoolily]

Yeah, my favorite is when someone walks by and their cologne is so strong that you can TASTE it. That happened to me today at the grocery store.