You've Come A Long Way, Geekpants Part Deux: G4 TechTV's Video Game Vixens

[HaemishM]

Shake that moneymaker.

[Paelos]

Touche.

The marketing overlords are really killing my interest in single player RPGs almost solely for this fact. I'm sick of graphics over gameplay. In other words, devs, we can all download porn. Porn is for beating off, games are for playing. I don't play with porn and I don't beat off to games, get that through your money hats.

[Nebu]

Touche.

I'm sick of graphics over gameplay.

I agree completely.  I've even commented that I'd play a game with stylized stick figures if the game was solid.  Sadly, it seems that people are willing to pay for this kind of crap... if not, we'd never see it.  I think the way to affect change in this industry is by talking with your wallet.  Unfortunately the people wanting this kind of crap seem to outnumber discriminating gamers.

Having said that, another nice read.  Thanks Haemish.

[Pococurante]

I want both graphic and gameplay.  If I can't have both I'll take my kids to the lake and have a better time anyway.  I rarely watch TV.  I definitely don't watch TV about gaming or electronics.  Too many other better things to do with my time.  That said I think it's always a shame when content gets tossed in favor of lowest social common denominator fluff.

Most television seems to me determined to self-immolate.

[Bunk]

If this were Fark, someone would be screaming "This article is useless without pictures!"

You are right though. It only took seeing Spikes Video Game awards once to know that I never, ever want to see shows about video games on TV. It's not really that they don't get us though. It's that they don't care about us - the mature geeks. This shit is directed at the kids with mommy's credit card who wouldn't know quality content if it dickslapped them in the face.

I like teh shiney as much as the next guy, and I'm not offended by pixilated boobies. That being said, I sure as hell don't ever want to be associated with the mouthbreathers doing these shows, or those that these shows are targetting.

[Yegolev]

Seanbaby?  For shame.

[Llava]

Sure would be nice if we could have a female villain who didn't look like a thinly disguised Dominatrix.

I always liked to think of the gaming industry as just a bit less vapid than the MTV cockmasticators.  I shudder to think of the future this could bring us.

"HEY!  Remember what the Rob Liefeld mindset did for comics?  Christ, why haven't we tried that for games yet??"

[Evangolis]

I hate it when the world lives down to my expectations.

[Jain Zar]

That rant made my day.  Awesome.

[SuperPopTart]

Well hon..

You did it again and I am thoroughly impressed with this article.

You managed to insult everything I hate AND mess with Seanbaby which although I think has sold out, I still very much like.

He's a scab on the internet and well, he makes me chuckle.

[Morfiend]

That being said, I sure as hell don't ever want to be associated with the mouthbreathers doing these shows, or those that these shows are targetting.

Thats how I feel also. I guess its a good thing that I dont watch g4 then. Also, anyone want to fill me in on who Seanbaby is? I think I missed that day.

*Wanders off to wiki Seanbaby*

[Llava]

Just Google it.

[schild]

and the one-handed typing makers of DOA Ultimate Volleyball (aka JIGGLY JIGGLY AMERICAN RIKEY BIG BREASTS K JOE PAY 3 DOLLAR!).

To be fair. DOA Volleyball was brilliant. Team Ninja took a ridiculous subject and took it seriously. They gave us Ninja Gaiden and Dead or Alive. I'll take Volleyball from them any day of the week. IIRC, DOAV came between DOA3 and Ninja Gaiden. It was a break from the norm and was a great cash-in. I applaud them and I look forward to them doing that on the 360. Now, if they only made DOAV because of the titty-cash (like Squeenix and FFX2...fuckers) I'd be pissed. But no, Itagaki and Co. get nothing but love from me.

Oh, and fuck Seanbaby. I'll rescind my ban on sellout to describe that worthless cocksucker. I hope Larry Probst is fucking him in the ass without a rubber. And gives him whatever he's got. Blech. I hope he gets a raging case of Madden motherfucking 06.

Oh, beyond that - beautiful Haem, as always.

[Margalis]

Hey man, leave wrestling out of this!

Is this why I keep seeing some sort of "Direct2Drive Women of Games" shit on Fileplant and Gamespy and such? It's pretty clear that TV + games = total shit. I don' mind T&A in games but god damn Bloodrayne was a terrible game and if the main character was male it would have been reamed and then forgotten. Gaming awards and TV and such are even worse than TV/music/hollywood equivalents, if such a thing is even possible.

Oh well...I'm looking forward to next year, when best character in a game goes to Kasumi's breasts in DOA4.
---
I remember when I was young playing Art of Fighting, when you fight King and beat him with a fireball his top blows off and he has a bra on - OMG it's a woman! Ah...memories.

[Glazius]

Touche.

I'm sick of graphics over gameplay.

I agree completely.  I've even commented that I'd play a game with stylized stick figures if the game was solid.

Really?

--GF

[Yegolev]

Touche.

I'm sick of graphics over gameplay.

I agree completely.  I've even commented that I'd play a game with stylized stick figures if the game was solid.

Really?

--GF

He did say "if the game was solid".  KOL is pretty fun, but good thing it's free.

[Lt.Dan]

Don't forget those shows that play rendered video instead of actual, you know, gameplay.  As a gamer I like teh shiney videos way more than actually playing.

If you don't know about Seanbaby then I recommend you read his stuff on Superfriends.  It's gold, genuine laugh out loud gold.

[NowhereMan]

Gaming on TV, at its best, is going to be Korean style in-game coverage of games with commentators who actually know shit about the games.

In the west however we get minor celebrities who either are internet geeks that are so overjoyed at the thought of "really being on TV" that they'll slob on any knob going. Hell the coffee boy probably gets to rub one out on them. The other type of minor celebrities have probably never gotten any further than playing a few games of Madden on their X-box and are there because at least 100 people will actually recognise them. On top of this we get bright flashing lights and X-treme X-box aXion, possibly with an X-box free-falling out of a helicopter, landing on a sheer cliff and snowboarding down a mountain WHICH IS ALSO A GIANT X!!11!! After all this establishes that MTV thinks games are cool and totally rad everyone can wrap it up and congratulate themselves on a job well done. And this shit will probably help shift units, people who watch MTV don't give a shit about the release line-up or system specs, they're going to think, "man that X-box looks dope, I bet it'll play the new Madden/generic sports title hella cool." Their brains will the proceed to implode and any money or valuable possessions they have will be sent to me.

In a perfect world.

To go back on topic, this kind of show isn't designed to appeal to gamers. We're going to go on the internet and buy this stuff if we like the system and the line-up, having a preview of that stuff on MTV is going to sway a grand total of about 10 people. It will however let several hundred thousand other people know what the new X-box is coming and will truly be in your face. I'd be fairly confident that this will get enough extra interest in the X-box 360 to justify this travesty to any corporation's money men. Dignity is, after all, just a word. What can you buy with a word? Certainly not money hats.

[Jain Zar]

To be fair. DOA Volleyball was brilliant. Team Ninja took a ridiculous subject and took it seriously. They gave us Ninja Gaiden and Dead or Alive. I'll take Volleyball from them any day of the week. IIRC, DOAV came between DOA3 and Ninja Gaiden. It was a break from the norm and was a great cash-in. I applaud them and I look forward to them doing that on the 360. Now, if they only made DOAV because of the titty-cash (like Squeenix and FFX2...fuckers) I'd be pissed. But no, Itagaki and Co. get nothing but love from me.

Fuck DOA Volleyball.  Play Beach Spikers on the Gamecube.  Its beach volleyball that's actually FUN.  It uses more than 1 button!  It has lots more opponents!  It has create a player features!  It has codes so you can have a vball team with Nei from Phantasy Star 2 and Ulala from Space Channel 5 on it!  IT HAS NO BOUNCY BOOB PHYSICS.  Ok, it does have some lipstick lesbian vibes, but its clearly meant to be a game and not a 50 dollar game soley designed to rub one out while playing.

And its by Sega.

[Sky]

Suck it up, campers.

If you don't like G4, don't watch. I haven't, the Screen Savers was a show I watched regularly, but G4 always sucked. So I don't bitch about it, I just don't watch.

If you don't like boob-bounce physics, don't play those games. That's how capitalism works.

I think it's unfortunate, but corporate america is interested in hooking impressionable minds into a trendy (and spendy) lifestyle. That'll never change, until people stop being impressionable.

I bet it'll play the new Madden/generic sports title hella cool.

Now that just hurt, man. It's unfortunate that Madden will sell a hundred gazillion copies as sports fans can't go without their fix. Maybe VC (nee 2k Games) should make a football game with boob physics...for the political team. See Hillary's pendulous breasts knock out the opposition, the EA suits! See Joe Liebermann get sacked, with full bone-breaking action. Watch the nameless EA suit suck the life out of a lineman! The playing field could be the american flag, which could get churned and destroyed by the actions of the two teams.

[HaemishM]

To go back on topic, this kind of show isn't designed to appeal to gamers. We're going to go on the internet and buy this stuff if we like the system and the line-up, having a preview of that stuff on MTV is going to sway a grand total of about 10 people.

The X-Box show, no, it's not designed for gamers. But the G4 show I'm bitching about in this article? The network is supposed to be all "4 gamers" or some shit. It's just about all they show on the network. Unfortunately for them, and the idiots who advertise on their station, they missed the target.

[Yegolev]

No one has mentioned CinemaTech on G4.  I like that show, and I like TiVo, since I don't have to look at any other G4 crap.  I have the episode where they showed the five-minute completion of Super Mario Bros.  That's my kind of stuff.

[WayAbvPar]

The only thing I watch on G4 is X-Play (and that only when they are reviewing something I am interested in). They have a good mix of humor and sarcasm that I find amusing. And Morgan Webb wears tight shirts, which I appreciate.

They had a great line about GTA:SA Hot Coffee- "If you are a 10 year old kid and your Mom buys you GTA:SA, that might not be your biggest problem.". Heh.

[Pococurante]

Blood & Gore TV will solve all our problems.

[Strazos]

Morgan Webb's RE4 review nearly had me on the floor from laughing so hard.

"Blowing up monks is FUN! They're filled with Candy!"

[schild]

Morgan Webb's RE4 review nearly had me on the floor from laughing so hard.

That's because you don't get nearly enough action. Don't ask me why, it just is.

[Strazos]

It wouldn't have mattered what she looked like in this instance; It was what she was saying, and how she was saying it, that I found so funny.

[Hoax]

I've seen X-Play do some funny bits, like the stupid game with the dog that was amusing.

Attack of the Show is fucking ass, the car shows are horrible although the drifting thing was strange enough to watch for about 5minutes.  Versus sucks balls I hate both the hosts with a passion and they suck at everything they do.  Lets not even talk about the top 10 show the asian lady hosts I mean seriously I swear some of her punchlines involved pissing her pants in the one episode I watched.

Yegolev is right though, CinemaTech is a solid interesting thing to have on in the backround, I've seen some cool things on that.  Also because I am not ub3r geeky and wouldn't bother to look this stuff up on my own I have found some of the Icon shows interesting, but not the StarWars one, I didn't need to know anything more about StarWars.

[Evangolis]

Suck it up, campers.

If you don't like G4, don't watch. I haven't, the Screen Savers was a show I watched regularly, but G4 always sucked. So I don't bitch about it, I just don't watch.

If you don't like boob-bounce physics, don't play those games. That's how capitalism works.

I think it's unfortunate, but corporate america is interested in hooking impressionable minds into a trendy (and spendy) lifestyle. That'll never change, until people stop being impressionable.

I bet it'll play the new Madden/generic sports title hella cool.

Now that just hurt, man. It's unfortunate that Madden will sell a hundred gazillion copies as sports fans can't go without their fix. Maybe VC (nee 2k Games) should make a football game with boob physics...for the political team. See Hillary's pendulous breasts knock out the opposition, the EA suits! See Joe Liebermann get sacked, with full bone-breaking action. Watch the nameless EA suit suck the life out of a lineman! The playing field could be the american flag, which could get churned and destroyed by the actions of the two teams.

Sir, I like the way you think.

[voodoolily]

I never thought I'd see a bunch of guys who fear Jennifer Garner's man-jaw say anything nice about Morgan Webb. Frankly, I think the girl needs to fire her stylist - what was up with the sleeveless hoodie/Elvira hairdo combo?!? And I'm sorry, but unless you know how to walk in those things (which she clearly doesn't) ENOUGH with the heels! No, they DON'T go with everything.

But I think that she and Adam Sessler are teh funneh, which is why I watch. And Icons, when it was on, was pretty great too. I have the Zelda episode perma-saved on the Tivo.

[WayAbvPar]

I never thought I'd see a bunch of guys who fear Jennifer Garner's man-jaw say anything nice about Morgan Webb.

Morgan Webb has a FACE??

[tazelbain]

I never thought I'd see a bunch of guys who fear Jennifer Garner's man-jaw say anything nice about Morgan Webb.

Morgan Webb has a FACE??

Morgan Webb isn't CGI?

[Hoax]

CGI hosts...  someday soon they will try that, imagine the abuse of elf-boobies as G4 hosts.

[Jain Zar]

I havent watched much G4 yet.  Just got rid of cable and went satellite with DVR. (Yay Dish Network!)

At the moment its all Cartoon Network and Toon Disney.  What can I say?  Im a complete slut for that Kim Possible show.  Im sure I will hate G4 soon enough...

[Margalis]

Kim Possible is just a low rent Totally Spies.