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Topic: Van Helsing- How bad will it suck? (Read 19036 times)
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WayAbvPar
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So far the critics I have seen are beating the shit out of it. I am thinking ''wide berth" on this one.
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When speaking of the MMOG industry, the glass may be half full, but it's full of urine. HaemishM
Always wear clean underwear because you never know when a Tory Government is going to fuck you.- Ironwood
Libertarians make fun of everyone because they can't see beyond the event horizons of their own assholes Surlyboi
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Rasix
Moderator
Posts: 15024
I am the harbinger of your doom!
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I've used movies.com's gathering of reviews to prejudge movies many a time. So far it's worked pretty well except for movies I know I'm going to like despite what they say (I'm sorry to admit, but I actually did like Matrix: Reloaded).
Right now it's sitting at 3 positive, 5 negative and 2 mixed. They usually gather about 15 reviews so all are not in yet. Recent bombs like Envy, Godsend, And The Whole 10 Yards got absolutely shit upon (14, 15, and 15 negative reviews). So they smell out shit pretty well.
So based so far on what they've got, lets assume a break down of 5 positive, 7 negative, and 3 mixed. In my experience, this means see the movie if you like the genre or just want some mindless entertainment mixed in with horrid acting.
The disturbing part is that all of the positive reviews sound absolutely 100% paid for. Pulling all punches, using highly cliche'd catch phrases to describe the movie. Sad.
I'll probably steer clear and rent this one. Or at least the wife will, for Hugh Jackman.
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-Rasix
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HaemishM
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 42630
the Confederate flag underneath the stone in my class ring
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I've used movies.com's gathering of reviews to prejudge movies many a time. So far it's worked pretty well except for movies I know I'm going to like despite what they say (I'm sorry to admit, but I actually did like Matrix: Reloaded). At least Reloaded had the saving grace of good Monica Bellucci shots and the highway scene, which made the shitty plot somewhat bearable. Revolutions had nothing to redeem it in any way except the fact that it does end. |
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Demetra
Terracotta Army
Posts: 30
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Gayest Dracula I have ever seen. I liked it, basically mindless fun much like The Mummy. If you liked that one you will probably like this one. If you are looking for a serious movie with deep thought don't bother.
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Riggswolfe
Terracotta Army
Posts: 8027
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I'm going to see it. I liked both Mumnmy movies, and for the record Matrix Revolutions (which I think of as live action anime, probably why most Western audiences didn't like it/didn't get it.)
The key to these movies is going in knowing what to expect. Don't go into Van Helsing looking for a horror movie. Go in looking for a fun action movie.
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"We live in a country, where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest, Yoko Ono was standing right next to him and not one fucking bullet! Explain that to me! Explain that to me, God! Explain it to me, God!" - Denis Leary summing up my feelings about the nature of the universe.
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SurfD
Terracotta Army
Posts: 4035
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Gayest Dracula I have ever seen. Have you ever seen the very early dracula movies based off of Bram Stolkers origional dracula? From what i remember, he was portrayed much the same way. |
Darwinism is the Gateway Science.
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Soukyan
Terracotta Army
Posts: 1995
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Okay.
The style of acting was... I lack words to describe. If you've seen old, black and white Dracula and Frankenstein flicks, you'll understand. It was meant to be this way. It was not meant to be an overly serious, dark and sinister flick. It was meant to emulate those old horror flicks and I thought that was conveyed well by their opening scene in black and white.
Van Helsing does some crazy shit and takes a royal beating and they certainly make his character appear legendary and larger than (human) life by the simple fact that he can take such a beating and not get a scratch.
Overall, the movie is action packed and a fun romp. You'll need to suspend your reality to enjoy it, otherwise, you'll be in disbelief every 5 minutes. If you like action and a good old tall tale based on legend, you'll enjoy the film.
Plus, Kate Beckinsdale is HOT!
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"Life is no cabaret... we're inviting you anyway." ~ Amanda Palmer"Tree, awesome, numa numa, love triangle, internal combustion engine, mountain, walk, whiskey, peace, pascagoula" ~ Lantyssa"Les vrais paradis sont les paradis qu'on a perdus." ~Marcel Proust |
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Tebonas
Terracotta Army
Posts: 6365
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I found that as soon as I made up fake names for Van Helsing, Dracula and Frankenstein and pretended it was not them I enjoyed the movie.
Van Helsings background was really really really suspect in that movie. For somebody called Van Helsing, that is. In the context of the movie (ignoring the background of the characters by other sources) it worked, though.
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UnSub
Contributor
Posts: 8064
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Having seen both LXG and Van Helsing recently, I have to say that LXG was better.
Still it saddens me to see a film with three Australian's in lead roles (Jackman, Wenham and Roxborough) that was almost so bad it was good. All of them can act better that what you see in Van Helsing, so I blame the director on this one.
So can judge my taste in films, I'm willing to also state publicly that I enjoyed the Matrix Trilogy, but mainly for 1) its style - no action film past this point can ignore what the Matrix offered, and 2) Agent Smith - a great villain and good performance.
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Alluvian
Terracotta Army
Posts: 1205
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mindless fun much like The Mummy Shit. Now I have to start burning down local movie theatres and video outlets again to keep people from watching this shit. My god did the Mummy movies suck ass. I can't think of a pair of movies I hated more than Mummy and Mummy2. No redeeming value in either film IMO. I didn't even like the effects (too obvious, too over the top). I would rewatch the weekend at bernies movies before those two. Thread was good though. Lets me know to take them off even the rental list. |
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Riggswolfe
Terracotta Army
Posts: 8027
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Oddly enough my "shit radar" went off when it came to LXG and I haven't even rented it. Haven't even looked for it on cable. VH I'll go see cause I enjoy the occasional movie roller-coaster ride. Where I can go "oooo" "aaaahhhh" then go and do something else a couple hours later.
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"We live in a country, where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest, Yoko Ono was standing right next to him and not one fucking bullet! Explain that to me! Explain that to me, God! Explain it to me, God!" - Denis Leary summing up my feelings about the nature of the universe.
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WayAbvPar
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My god did the Mummy movies suck ass. Having never seen either Mummy flick or Van Helsing, I would give the nod to VH just for the simple fact that Brendan Fraser is no where to be seen. The guy is like Keanu Reeves' less talented cousin. |
When speaking of the MMOG industry, the glass may be half full, but it's full of urine. HaemishM
Always wear clean underwear because you never know when a Tory Government is going to fuck you.- Ironwood
Libertarians make fun of everyone because they can't see beyond the event horizons of their own assholes Surlyboi
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HaemishM
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 42630
the Confederate flag underneath the stone in my class ring
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I like the first Mummy flick, and the second one, not as much. I thought it was a perfect vehicle for Brendan Fraser to play the pulpy, cliffhanger type hero, and I was right.
However, it is nowhere near serious cinema. It is the pulp serials of the 20's turned into 2-hour movies with CGI effects. That's it. Looking for any deeper meaning or significance than that will surely mean you hate it with a white-hot passion.
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daveNYC
Terracotta Army
Posts: 722
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You forgot to mention Rachel Weisz.
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HaemishM
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 42630
the Confederate flag underneath the stone in my class ring
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A hot piece of tart like that should go without saying in a pulpy action movie.
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Riggswolfe
Terracotta Army
Posts: 8027
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Exactly why I liked the mummy movies. Modern pulp.
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"We live in a country, where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest, Yoko Ono was standing right next to him and not one fucking bullet! Explain that to me! Explain that to me, God! Explain it to me, God!" - Denis Leary summing up my feelings about the nature of the universe.
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Demetra
Terracotta Army
Posts: 30
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"LXG" was genuinely painful to watch. I don't recall having seen a movie that was that bad, and had both so much potentual and so much money poured into it. The ONLY reason we didn't walk out of it was the suspense of wondering if it could get any worse. Silly me, of course it could. Plus the fact I never walk out of a movie just like I always finish a book once I start it. I paid for the damned thing, I'm going to use it no matter how much it hurts. I sat through "Nightfall" for god's sake, "LXG" was a walk in the park by comparison.
But yeah, if you hated "The Mummy" you will hate "Van Helsing". Big surprise, Van Helsing as an action hero. If you can't get your head around that you're wasting your lunch money.
Probably to no ones surprise I am looking forward to "The Day after Tomorrow" and "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" too.
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cevik
I'm Special
Posts: 1690
I've always wondered about the All Black People Eat Watermelons
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Probably to no ones surprise I am looking forward to "The Day after Tomorrow" and "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" too. The right side of my brain says "ohh, The Day After Tomorrow looks like it could be interesting, you should go see that." The left side of my brain says "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH FUCK!!!!1! THE DAY AFTER TOMMORROW IS COMING RIGHT AS US!!! RUN!!!!" |
The above space is available for purchase. Send a Private Message for a complete price list and payment information. Thank you for your business.
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WayAbvPar
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Probably to no ones surprise I am looking forward to "The Day after Tomorrow" and "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" too. The right side of my brain says "ohh, The Day After Tomorrow looks like it could be interesting, you should go see that." The left side of my brain says "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH FUCK!!!!1! THE DAY AFTER TOMMORROW IS COMING RIGHT AS US!!! RUN!!!!" Listen to the left. The guy who did Independence Day is in charge. The suck factor may actually go off the charts on this one. |
When speaking of the MMOG industry, the glass may be half full, but it's full of urine. HaemishM
Always wear clean underwear because you never know when a Tory Government is going to fuck you.- Ironwood
Libertarians make fun of everyone because they can't see beyond the event horizons of their own assholes Surlyboi
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schild
Administrator
Posts: 60345
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I don't understand why people feel the need to THINK in some movies. The Day After Tomorrow will be the biggest pile of shiny we've probably ever seen.
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Riggswolfe
Terracotta Army
Posts: 8027
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I don't go to movies to think. I go to movies to be entertained. Day After Tomorrow looks like an agenda movie to me so I'll skip it. Sky Captain I want to see just because it seems so different from typical mainstream movies.
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"We live in a country, where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest, Yoko Ono was standing right next to him and not one fucking bullet! Explain that to me! Explain that to me, God! Explain it to me, God!" - Denis Leary summing up my feelings about the nature of the universe.
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Shockeye
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 6668
Skinny-dippin' in a sea of Lee, I'd propose on bended knee...
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Van Helsing was enjoyable. No need to think, only be entertained.
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HaemishM
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 42630
the Confederate flag underneath the stone in my class ring
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The Day After Tomorrow is a flimsy plot excuse to destroy major cities on the big screen with beautiful CGI. Like Independence Day. Sure, after you get over the initial Shock and Awe of the spectacle on screen, the movie blows monkey balls. Kind of like Twister.
TDAT is the regular theater equivalent of going to the iMAX theater, only they toss a flimsy plot and some gut-wrenching human drama in with it. If you don't see it in the theaters, there is no reason to ever see it again, unless you own a spiffy home theater.
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Rasix
Moderator
Posts: 15024
I am the harbinger of your doom!
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The Day After Tomorrow is a flimsy plot excuse to destroy major cities on the big screen with beautiful CGI. Like Independence Day. Sure, after you get over the initial Shock and Awe of the spectacle on screen, the movie blows monkey balls. Kind of like Twister.
And like ID4 it will be worth exactly one viewing. I swear everytime I see ID4 now, the movie just gets worse and worse. Once you get past the shit blowing up and pay attention to the actual flick, it just sucks. Plot holes, shitty acting, bad pacing, this movie had it all. I doubt I'll see TDAT in theatres. My wife is rather immune to eye candy flicks and will likely not want to go. |
-Rasix
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WayAbvPar
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I don't understand why people feel the need to THINK in some movies. The Day After Tomorrow will be the biggest pile of shiny we've probably ever seen. I can watch the trailer and see the shiny. That does nothing for me. If the plot is so thin and the acting so bad that they distract from the movie, I can't enjoy it. I need something more substantial for my time investment- after all, I could be reading a decent book instead of staring mindlessly at a crappy movie. This thing is gonna blow on a biblical scale. I will avoid it. |
When speaking of the MMOG industry, the glass may be half full, but it's full of urine. HaemishM
Always wear clean underwear because you never know when a Tory Government is going to fuck you.- Ironwood
Libertarians make fun of everyone because they can't see beyond the event horizons of their own assholes Surlyboi
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cevik
I'm Special
Posts: 1690
I've always wondered about the All Black People Eat Watermelons
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I can watch the trailer and see the shiny. That does nothing for me. If the plot is so thin and the acting so bad that they distract from the movie, I can't enjoy it. I need something more substantial for my time investment- after all, I could be reading a decent book instead of staring mindlessly at a crappy movie.
This thing is gonna blow on a biblical scale. I will avoid it.
Way and I apparently think exactly alike when it comes to movies and why we watch them. Two hours is a fucking precious commodity in my life, I hate to leave a theater and think of all the other things I could have been doing with that time instead. I hate it even more because I have to pay to waste that time. I enjoy watching good movies, but there are a ton of other things I'd rather be doing than paying ten bucks to mindlessly stare at a screen and suspend my disbelief for two hours. |
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Arnold
Terracotta Army
Posts: 813
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I'm going to see it. I liked both Mumnmy movies, and for the record Matrix Revolutions (which I think of as live action anime, probably why most Western audiences didn't like it/didn't get it.)
The key to these movies is going in knowing what to expect. Don't go into Van Helsing looking for a horror movie. Go in looking for a fun action movie. Mummy 1 was surprisingly fun. Mummy 2 was a piece of shit, with some of the worst one liners ever voiced on the silver screen. |
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Riggswolfe
Terracotta Army
Posts: 8027
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I finally saw Van Helsing tonight. Not an oscar worthy movie. Not LoTR. Not the first Matrix. It was however decent fun, if over the top to the Nth degree. I was actually surprised at the ending, simply because I don't expect that kind of thing in a summer action movie.
Not bad at all.
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"We live in a country, where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest, Yoko Ono was standing right next to him and not one fucking bullet! Explain that to me! Explain that to me, God! Explain it to me, God!" - Denis Leary summing up my feelings about the nature of the universe.
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Paelos
Contributor
Posts: 27075
Error 404: Title not found.
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Movies in general are in a death spiral for more than pure "turn your brain off" fun. The only thing that got me out to the theatres was LOTR this year, and that was because I considered them to be wonderful films. Everything else coming out is either fart jokes, rehashed romantic comedies, CGI shiney, or star action vehicles. And that's not even the summer bullshit yet. Bitching about movies being bad has lost its panache, considering that few even make it about passable today.
If you want to intelligent entertainment, Barnes and Noble is probably close-by.
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CPA, CFO, Sports Fan, Game when I have the time
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HaemishM
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 42630
the Confederate flag underneath the stone in my class ring
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Hey, don't you be dissing fart jokes.
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WayAbvPar
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Dick and fart jokes have made Kevin Smith a millionaire!
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When speaking of the MMOG industry, the glass may be half full, but it's full of urine. HaemishM
Always wear clean underwear because you never know when a Tory Government is going to fuck you.- Ironwood
Libertarians make fun of everyone because they can't see beyond the event horizons of their own assholes Surlyboi
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SurfD
Terracotta Army
Posts: 4035
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Everything else coming out is either fart jokes, rehashed romantic comedies, CGI shiney, or star action vehicles. I dont know, I am looking foreward to Shrek 2, and Spiderman 2 as being rock solid kickass movies. |
Darwinism is the Gateway Science.
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schild
Administrator
Posts: 60345
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Everything else coming out is either fart jokes, rehashed romantic comedies, CGI shiney, or star action vehicles. I dont know, I am looking foreward to Shrek 2, and Spiderman 2 as being rock solid kickass movies. Ironically Shrek 2 will be fart jokes and Spiderman 2 will be a rehashed romantic comedy with CGI shiney and a purty vehicle for the stars. |
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Rasix
Moderator
Posts: 15024
I am the harbinger of your doom!
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I'm sure something in black and white, in Italian, and about World War 2, sad clowns, and grapefruit will come out this summer and you too will be happy.
Most of the rest of will probably enjoy those 2 offerings (I do agree on your assesment of Shrek 2, but Shrek was pretty much the same thing, yet it was entertaining).
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-Rasix
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schild
Administrator
Posts: 60345
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I didn't say it wouldn't be entertaining! I'm sure I'll love both offerings. I was just stating the obvious.
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