Random Intrawebs Advice Thread

[Cyrrex]

Okay, giving or receiving advice from internet strangers is not always the best idea.  That said, it is almost always amusing.  Not sure we have a thread for some of the less serious advice topics, so I am starting one here.  Naturally, I only do so because I am in need of some advice.  Or maybe I just need to share the particulars of my story, for everybody's amusement.

My neighbor.  It always seems to be about neighbors, right?  She lives alone, except for the several cats we think belong to her and whom she sorta treats like children.  She can be heard having conversations with them on a daily basis.  She seems like a "nice" person on a superficial level, based on the very few conversations I've had with her.  I have no idea what the inside of her house looks like in terms of cleanliness, but I can tell you that the outside of her house is an utter horror to behold.  Just random filth laying everywhere.  Her garbage can, for example, will lay out on its side in the middle of her driveway (which usually has three feet of weeds sprouting out of it) for weeks and weeks at a time.  No garbage in it, not sure what she actually does with her trash.  Her mailbox sits crookedly on top of one of those small electric station thingies that you sometimes see at the end of people's yards out by the street.  The lid hangs ajar, with some masking tape half-heartedly holding the thing together.  Mail is just spilling out of it, obviously.  She once asked by if I could watch her porch for packages that arrived while she was on vacation in Thailand, and I did so, being the good neighbor that I am.  I would go over every few days, and have to make judgements about what was legally posted mail sitting on her porch, and what was old trash.  Most of it was old trash.  She is probably somewhere between 50 and 60 years old, kind of hard to pin down.  She is not attractive...had she been born in a different age, she would have probably been accused of being a witch and I am not saying that out of meanness...she just looks a certain way. She keeps to herself for the most part and seems like a bit of a shut-in. 

Well, that sort of changes when the weather starts to turn nice.  We get to see a lot more of her when the sun comes out.  How much more, you ask?  A WHOLE LOT MORE.  You see, crazy dirty cat lady neighbor, who otherwise keeps herself locked inside for months at a time, likes to sunbathe.  Without almost all of her clothes.  Does she like to do this in the nice grassy area on the other side of her house?  Oh no, not at all.  She lays out in the driveway, probably on some kind of taped-together lawn chair.  This driveway directly borders the fence in between us, and silly us for cheaping out a little on the fencing materials, but damned if you can't sorta see right through that thing.  And even if you couldn't, the occasional passer-by out on the street would have a zero-obstruction view to crazy dirty cat lady's glory.  You can probably figure out by now that this isn't the sort of "heh, sweet, the neighbor lady is laying out topless again!  Scwhing!" thing.  This is the get-the-kids-inside-quick-oh-fuck-I-just-ate-lunch-and-am-going-to-puke sort of thing.  I am getting grossed out just typing this.  And not that it changes anything, but she will also fall asleep out there and start snoring very loudly.  Anyway, I know the human body can be a very beautiful thing, but let's be honest - it usually really isn't.  Certainly not in this case.

So, since is the advice thread, my wife and I are considering plans.  It should be noted that, in this country (DK), I don't think it is remotely illegal to do what she is doing.  Here are the various things we have discussed:

- Investing a small fortune to move all of our outdoorsy type stuff to the other side of our house, thus avoiding the problem to a large degree.  Seems extreme.
- Putting a very thick hedge up for that strip of fencing where the crime against humanity tends to be visible.  Mind you, I already did a shitload of work tearing shit like that down when we moved in a couple years ago to create more space, and would be loathe to put it back in.  If only we knew back then...
- Actually putting up a second fence over that same section, strategically aligning the slats such that it becomes impenetrable.  It would probably work, but fuck, it sure seems silly.
- Telling her, probably by anonymous letter deposited deftly in her aforementioned mailbox, that she needs to desist such behavior, lest our children suffer irreversible psychological trauma.  Actually, I am most worried about myself with this one.
- Somehow bring it up with the homeowner's association.  The obvious downside to this is that you have to communicate with the homeowner's association and FUCK THOSE GUYS.
- Do the adult thing, and go over and have a polite conversation with her.  My entire soul rails against attempting such a thing.  It doesn't help that my wife jokes all the time that crazy dirty cat lady is in to me and that might be the source of all of this.

So, I am looking for random internet advice.  Serious and non-serious suggestions welcome.  What would you do?

[Abagadro]

I thought everyone in Denmark hung about nakies.

[Evildrider]

Pics or it didn't happen.

If this is as bad as it sounds, I recommend shock therapy to purge the memories.

[Ironwood]

The adult conversation one.  It's ALWAYS the adult conversation one first.

[Velorath]

I don't have kids to consider so I would probably just laugh it off and try to avoid looking that direction when leaving the house. She's on her property, you said she's not doing anything illegal, she enjoys it and it doesn't sound like she has much going for her in life, and it seems like you'd object slightly less if she was attractive. I'd let crazy cat lady do her thing without having to worry about the neighbors' delicate sensibilities. But like I said, I don't have kids.

[Cyrrex]

I probably embellish a point or two.  Truth is, while I don't want to see it, if it were just me I would probably just ignore it.  It is actually my wife who is freaking out the most over it.

The adult conversation one.  It's ALWAYS the adult conversation one first.

You are almost certainly right, but given what I wrote above...it would be my wife's job to have that conversation.  Totally not worth it for me.  And my wife would move first.

Pics or it didn't happen.

Not in a million years.  I actually have a picture of her front porch from when I was playing mailman, but no way am I going into Nerf territory with this.

I thought everyone in Denmark hung about nakies.

As you probably know, there is an inverse relationship between how good looking someone is and how likely they are to sunbathe in the buff.  Sometimes you hit jackpot, but unfortunately the opposite is far more true.

[Lantyssa]

Instead of hedges, how about a trellis with climbing vines of some sort to form a visual fence?  Or the existing fence but then it'll likely go onto her side and take over the yard...

[Mithas]

Move.

[apocrypha]

Instead of hedges, how about a trellis with climbing vines of some sort to form a visual fence?  Or the existing fence but then it'll likely go onto her side and take over the yard...

That was my first though in response to "what would you do" too. Plants are nice, there's lots of really nice, fast growing climbing plants that'll give you some extra privacy pretty quickly. Things like clematis, pyracantha (also very thorny, keeps cats out), honeysuckle, morning glory, even some bean runners can work!

lest our children suffer irreversible psychological trauma.  Actually, I am most worried about myself with this one.

Not sure if you're joking here tbh. I don't think it's very likely that your kids would suffer irreversible psychological trauma from seeing some old lady boobs. We'll all be old someday, hopefully.

[Paelos]

Usually the option that seems the toughest is the right one. In this case, it's having an uncomfortable conversation as an adult first.

The other options are just half-assing your way out of an easily confronted problem if you act like an adult.

[ezrast]

I'm with Velorath. "I wish you'd stop being so ugly" isn't really having an "adult conversation" any way you frame it.

[Paelos]

Explaining that people sunbathing nude in the front yard makes you uncomfortable is hardly the same conversation as HEY UGGO, GET THEE TO A NUNNERY!

[ezrast]

I guess I don't get what there is to be so uncomfortable about. I mean, I do, but it wouldn't have occurred to me that it was anything but a personal problem.

not making my usual effort not to be insufferable because it's a thread for awful internet advice and someone has to be that guy

[Cyrrex]

It isn't really an "I'm uncomfortable with nudity" thing (well, maybe it is for my wife, not entirely sure).  One, she is super gross.  Two, the setting is not wholly appropriate.  It isn't like we are going to the beach and opening ourselves up to such things.  SHE IS RIGHT THERE FOR ALL TO SEE.

[Paelos]

Have you considered murder and then pinning it on the cats?

[HaemishM]

You could try very awkwardly to take a picture as if you are trying to hide the fact that you are taking a picture and then when she sees you, run into the house like a creeper. Then every time the two of you see each other, just give her a little of the ole "Eh? Whattathink?" eyebrow raise.

Granted, she may call the cops on you, but she'd probably hide her saggy sweater globes from now on.

Disclaimer: Not fucking serious in any way, shape or form. Post made for pure comedic effect. But if you do decide to do this, have your wife video the whole thing and post it or else it's just not worth it.

[Cyrrex]

Cat murder...interesting.

You could try very awkwardly to take a picture as if you are trying to hide the fact that you are taking a picture and then when she sees you, run into the house like a creeper. Then every time the two of you see each other, just give her a little of the ole "Eh? Whattathink?" eyebrow raise.

Granted, she may call the cops on you, but she'd probably hide her saggy sweater globes from now on.

Disclaimer: Not fucking serious in any way, shape or form. Post made for pure comedic effect. But if you do decide to do this, have your wife video the whole thing and post it or else it's just not worth it.

If my wife is right, she might take me up on any creepy offers.  Even if the risk is down to something like 10%, its just not one I am willing to take.

And as I post this, I hear her coughing outside.  Unless that was a snore.  God help me.

[shiznitz]

I certainly don't know the pertinent Danish laws, but if property rights mean anything in DK then confronting this woman is only going to lead to a Nerf moment, i.e. a spiraling series of increasingly miserable interactions that always fail to satisfy your problem.  This will result in your neighbor's behavior (someting you cannot control) seriously impacting your relationship with your spouse.

There is a fence.  If you don't like what is on the other side, make it less transparent and consider moving.  Consider this an excellent lesson is learning your neighbor BEFORE closing on a home - although I know from personal experience that 10 minute pre-closing neighbor introductions are not conclusive.

[Merusk]

HOAs solve what 10 min conversations don't.

Which is why I live in an HOA AND a PUD.  I'm a sucker for zoning law.

[01101010]

Well I read witch, so the only thing you can do is burn her.  

[Rasix]

HOAs solve what 10 min conversations don't.

Which is why I live in an HOA AND a PUD.  I'm a sucker for zoning law.

I'd go to the HOA in a heartbeat.  I don't like dealing face to face with crazy. 

Big fence would help as well.  Shitty neighbors are a lot better if you can't see them at all.

[Yegolev]

Sprinklers to water the lawn are very hard to set up properly.  You might try your best to get them to water just your lawn, but then they just spray all over the place anyway!

[Cyrrex]

Heh, I thought about that one already.  Unfortunately, sprinklers aren't a thing you do over here.  But I like the way you think!

Also, the HOA is a non starter.  Believe me, if we had an effective HOA, the filth coming out of this lady's property would have already been more than enough cause for action.  This isn't the USA.

[Samwise]

+1 vote for planting something vine-y to cover the fence.  Same screening benefits as a hedge but faster and won't take up space.  I can mail you some cuttings of the motherfucking Algerian ivy that climbs over from the neighboring lot and instantly smothers anything I plant near my back fence.

[Paelos]

We can send you some Kudzu vines from Georgia, but I'm pretty sure it would devour your country within the month.

[Velorath]

It isn't really an "I'm uncomfortable with nudity" thing (well, maybe it is for my wife, not entirely sure).  One, she is super gross.  Two, the setting is not wholly appropriate.  It isn't like we are going to the beach and opening ourselves up to such things.  SHE IS RIGHT THERE FOR ALL TO SEE.

See, I'm sure it's largely unintentional but the way you're framing things, particularly in the first post has an air of snobbery about it a bit. Like it's bad enough that her trashy yard is probably killing your property value, but now you're also kicking yourself for not building a good enough fence to completely block your view of her. You go to lengths to make sure we understand that she's crazy, ugly, and unclean. I have a feeling that if she was attractive, your post wouldn't have been about the inappropriateness of nude sunbathing in her front yard, it would be about the hot chick next door that shows off her tits and how your wife wants you to do something about it.

[HaemishM]

You realize your post could be construed as the allegorical definition of "water is wet," right? 

[Cyrrex]

It isn't really an "I'm uncomfortable with nudity" thing (well, maybe it is for my wife, not entirely sure).  One, she is super gross.  Two, the setting is not wholly appropriate.  It isn't like we are going to the beach and opening ourselves up to such things.  SHE IS RIGHT THERE FOR ALL TO SEE.

See, I'm sure it's largely unintentional but the way you're framing things, particularly in the first post has an air of snobbery about it a bit. Like it's bad enough that her trashy yard is probably killing your property value, but now you're also kicking yourself for not building a good enough fence to completely block your view of her. You go to lengths to make sure we understand that she's crazy, ugly, and unclean. I have a feeling that if she was attractive, your post wouldn't have been about the inappropriateness of nude sunbathing in her front yard, it would be about the hot chick next door that shows off her tits and how your wife wants you to do something about it.

Yeah, well duh.  If it was a hot chick, I'd spend all my time on the trampoline.

Keep in mind where I am posting this.  I myself find the whole thing rather amusing.  That doesn't change the fact that she is super gross.

[schild]

Oh, you're not in America? Are there any laws where you are that would stop you from berating her into suicide?

[Velorath]

You realize your post could be construed as the allegorical definition of "water is wet," right? 

Yes, but then I see people giving him advice like turning the sprinklers on her or go complain to the HOA and I feel compelled to clear up the fact that the main objection here seems to be that she's ugly and the more adult way to handle isn't to talk to her and tell her she needs to stop doing something she enjoys, it's to get the hell over it.

[schild]

There's no reason to get over it, ugly sunbathers are an eyesore as much as plastic pink flamingos.

[Paelos]

I'm all for people not giving a shit about their neighbors unless there is noise or nudity involved.

Examples, barking dogs, outdoors naked, construction at 5AM, blasting music after dark, fucking with the windows open in full view.

[Hawkbit]

There's a missed opportunity here:  Sell admission to the neighborhood kids like that episode of Bob's Burgers.

Or start going nekkid yourself.  If she can do it, why not you?  I think we're all thinking of this the wrong way.

[Paelos]

If he gets naked that will only encourage the old hag to think he's down for business.

[Margalis]

This definitely has the potential to turn into a Nerf situation.

I look forward to reading 2 years from now that Cyrrex's wife and kids have left him and that he now lives in a homeless community under a bridge, but that it was totally worth it because he was able to extract $100 in damages from his neighbor.