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Author Topic: Depression Thread  (Read 170631 times)
Maven
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Reply #245 on: February 21, 2015, 12:46:35 PM

I can manage myself when there are clear rules and procedures. Things go to shit for me when situations travel into meaning and interpretation land.

My therapist tries to help me understand the social consequences, but like my health I fail to appreciate that how I pursue my wants and needs has a negative impact on my social images and connections.

Last week has been hard and I have been overcaffeinated. Attempting to detox.

I wouldn't know how to act without some outside strategy guide or norm network to adhere to. Culture clashes inevitable. Clashes with other dominant competitive people inevitable. Running afoul of environments that punish clashes inevitable.

Working at a casino changes you. I feel like I'm becoming more of a hawk as I get older. Show of strength and readiness to use force as a means of making someone think twice with messing with you. It has been used against me frequently that I think I have picked it up.
« Last Edit: February 21, 2015, 12:53:10 PM by Maven »
CmdrSlack
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Reply #246 on: February 21, 2015, 02:16:30 PM

I take lamotrigine to cut out my lows. It works quite well for my flavor of bipolar. My manic episodes are when I am super organized. It is the lows that get me. I have a benzo as an as-needed backstop. I spent 20 years diagnosed and unmedicated (excluding self-medication). Things are better now. Hard still, but better.

I traded in my fun blog for several legal blogs. Or, "blawgs," as the cutesy attorney blawgosphere likes to call 'em.
Maven
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Reply #247 on: February 21, 2015, 07:03:59 PM

In the other thread, it was mentioned that most readers had dealt with those issues in middle school.

Can you end up emotionally stunted from trauma in your preteen years? My middle school experience was bullying, social isolation, the use of intimidation and force to keep children in line by figures of authority, one instance of mild sexual abuse by a friend's older sister, and an entire year of emotional abuse by my science teacher, Mrs. Semenick, who bragged she could make a football player cry. It got so bad I would journal about killing her, which landed me in the care of a psychiatrist before my parents pulled me away because a psychiatrist had once tried to take my brother and I away from them when we were three.

I don't think I ever processed just how fucked things were during school.
Paelos
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Reply #248 on: February 21, 2015, 10:01:21 PM

It's possible for any period of your life to leave marks on you that change you. The reason you have to get help to get past those marks is because you can't have one part of your past create a complete stumbling block on any advancement in your future. That's part of what a good mental health professional will help.

Some of it is about uncovering the hidden issues. Other times it's to get people to stop blaming their current issues on past failings. Most importantly it's about realizing that the past mistakes don't have to define your future decisions. You can break any negative cycle with proper coaching and work.

CPA, CFO, Sports Fan, Game when I have the time
Ironwood
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Reply #249 on: February 22, 2015, 01:44:05 AM

I'm absolutely shocked I haven't driven most of you people absolutely mad.

If Ironwood comes to kill me, tell my mom I love her and erase my history. Though, he may be kind enough to do that.

It would be entirely ungentlemanly to kill someone and NOT erase the history.  I also carry a USB drive about just in case the victim found anything good.

Paelos is quite right about marks that change you, but sometimes it's a huge cut into your psyche that you just weren't expecting.  They're the worst, 'cause you tell yourself that you're ok.

And you're not.

"Mr Soft Owl has Seen Some Shit." - Sun Tzu
Maven
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Reply #250 on: February 22, 2015, 12:23:17 PM

Kinda messed up to know you've become a bully to deal with the bullies in your life. Switching it off for everyone else seems OK (we're talking conflict scenarios, not day-to-days). But there's a potential for false positives, and then things get real bad if/when I do encounter another dominant, aggressive personality like it did at school or I guess every person running on testosterone between the ages of 18-21.

I'm taking lamotrigine as well, 200mg daily, but when the stress builds up to over what I can process (like "I can't cry" process), then I guess I need something stronger. Or get into BDSM, I hear that helps with emotional purging.
Paelos
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Reply #251 on: February 22, 2015, 12:39:20 PM

People pick their battles. Most of the time people realize that who is "in charge" is completely useless because the people that demand to be "in charge" aren't the ones in charge. The people others follow do so without having to strongarm people.

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MahrinSkel
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When she crossed over, she was just a ship. But when she came back... she was bullshit!


Reply #252 on: February 22, 2015, 02:22:35 PM

Kinda messed up to know you've become a bully to deal with the bullies in your life. Switching it off for everyone else seems OK (we're talking conflict scenarios, not day-to-days). But there's a potential for false positives, and then things get real bad if/when I do encounter another dominant, aggressive personality like it did at school or I guess every person running on testosterone between the ages of 18-21.
I can relate, I spent a sizable chunk of my teens and 20's looking for an excuse to let the rage monster out to play. I am ashamed of some of the things I did, they were assholes who were picking on people because they could, but what I did to some of them was just *mean*, probably scarred a few of them for life (psychologically and/or physically). What's worse, at the time I thought that would be a good thing.

I blame testosterone and childhood trauma. It's not like I could actually have been an asshole, is it?

--Dave

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schild
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Reply #253 on: February 22, 2015, 06:25:36 PM

Kinda messed up to know you've become a bully to deal with the bullies in your life. Switching it off for everyone else seems OK (we're talking conflict scenarios, not day-to-days). But there's a potential for false positives, and then things get real bad if/when I do encounter another dominant, aggressive personality like it did at school or I guess every person running on testosterone between the ages of 18-21.

I'm taking lamotrigine as well, 200mg daily, but when the stress builds up to over what I can process (like "I can't cry" process), then I guess I need something stronger. Or get into BDSM, I hear that helps with emotional purging.
This is a tough situation. Mostly because you don't strike me as dominant or aggressive. Just world-record-holding-shitty at personal interaction. Mahrin, on the other hand, is just an asshole - as he noted.

Go with the BDSM thing.

I'm not kidding. Get waivers signed.
Maven
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Reply #254 on: February 22, 2015, 06:35:01 PM

Some of my best friends are fetishists!  Ohhhhh, I see.

I have a consult with a friend of a friend who is a pro-Dom soon. We'll see what happens.
schild
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Reply #255 on: February 22, 2015, 07:11:00 PM

Chances are being someone's bitch on a leash with a ball gag will help you. So yea, do that.
MahrinSkel
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When she crossed over, she was just a ship. But when she came back... she was bullshit!


Reply #256 on: February 22, 2015, 07:17:27 PM

Mahrin, on the other hand, is just an asshole - as he noted.
I beg your pardon?  "Reformed" asshole, I haven't made anyone cry in *weeks*.

Seriously, sometimes you need to be an asshole, you just have to be sure you're really in control of turning it on and off.

--Dave

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Paelos
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Reply #257 on: February 22, 2015, 07:24:14 PM

Everybody loses it eventually. I lost it over something really stupid at work with one of my colleagues recently. But the thing is I deescalated because I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at having to constantly explain how a situation wasn't working because it wasn't working.

CPA, CFO, Sports Fan, Game when I have the time
Maven
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Reply #258 on: February 23, 2015, 03:58:09 PM

I am coming out of the funk from last week. Proper self-care, better diet. Regarding the incident in Useless, it wasn't until I went in and looked at what codes and statutes were on the books at my college, how the judicial process works, and the general attitude of the staff that I started to feel more in control and my fears assuaged.

While the matter does need to be settled with the student judicial office and has no effect on my academics assuming I get a written warning, it has been a learning experience. Everything was exaggerated in my head from my fears. The encounter was reflective of high school immaturity, and pride was perhaps the largest influence. Knowing now my rights (and his) will help better manage future situations.

I also learned that some things I should not share outside therapy, but when I'm in that dramatic state it is difficult to remember; not able to release the pressure.
shiznitz
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Reply #259 on: February 23, 2015, 05:45:34 PM

Since I started the thread, I should update. I found a therapist, after trying many, that was willing to listen to me before throwing a bunch of pills at me. He (my therapist) has been amazing and has helped me a great deal even without prescriptions even though he has not pressured me one way or the other, and if he recommended a prescription I would trust him on his call. It took a really long time to find a therapist that was willing to listen to everything I had to say, while still being able to call me out on problems I was responsible for.

I have recently added my wife to my sessions, after very careful considerations, which some how has managed to make our relationship pretty amazing in the last couple of months. My wife also started seeing a therapist that my therapist recommended so that my wife had somebody to help work through her issues. For a long time I was so absorbed in my own issues, I never took the time to realize that my wife also needed help. I guess we just got lost in all of the financial problems, and legal pressures, and our respective histories that we both just needed somebody that was skilled and compassionate to help lead us back onto the path to healthier emotions and communication.

Even though I participated very little, this thread was a life changer for me in the advice and support that was offered without judgement. So thank you to you all.

Serious question: So when will you consider yourself "cured" enough to stop seeing a therapist?

I have never played WoW.
Pennilenko
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Reply #260 on: February 23, 2015, 10:02:35 PM

Serious question: So when will you consider yourself "cured" enough to stop seeing a therapist?

I'm not sure I could ever be at that stage. I've talked at length with my therapist about that exact topic, the consensus is that as my problems smooth out the sessions will likely evolve into an as needed scheduling. I have been invited to a private support group organized by my therapist that is free, which should help quite a bit as the length between my sessions grows.

"See?  All of you are unique.  And special.  Like fucking snowflakes."  -- Signe
Paelos
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Reply #261 on: February 24, 2015, 06:03:57 AM

The answer is you know when you know. There's no timetable on it.

There are real medical reasons behind depression, and often real nutritional or hormone related triggers that can cause it. Eliminating those triggers can help, in combination with a healthier lifestyle and therapy. Often going on medications for short or long term can help, but they are tough for some. But the thing most people who have anxiety or depression have it common is that they've developed some unhealthy life habits they have to change before they can really heal.

CPA, CFO, Sports Fan, Game when I have the time
Ironwood
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Reply #262 on: February 24, 2015, 06:06:02 AM

Like stabbing people.

"Mr Soft Owl has Seen Some Shit." - Sun Tzu
Paelos
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Reply #263 on: February 24, 2015, 06:09:32 AM

Like stabbing people.


I was thinking more like drinking or eating to cope, but sure. Or shredding people.

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Ironwood
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Reply #264 on: February 24, 2015, 06:10:11 AM

I haven't shredded anyone.  You guys just can't read properly.

"Mr Soft Owl has Seen Some Shit." - Sun Tzu
Paelos
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Reply #265 on: February 24, 2015, 06:20:34 AM

I haven't shredded anyone.  You guys just can't read properly.

I have to go return some video tapes.

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Brofellos
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Reply #266 on: February 25, 2015, 06:07:19 PM

not depression per se, but just got on celesta, xanax, and Nortriptyline for anxiety/sleeplessness. Yay law school!
Morat20
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Reply #267 on: February 25, 2015, 07:00:49 PM

The answer is you know when you know. There's no timetable on it.

There are real medical reasons behind depression, and often real nutritional or hormone related triggers that can cause it. Eliminating those triggers can help, in combination with a healthier lifestyle and therapy. Often going on medications for short or long term can help, but they are tough for some. But the thing most people who have anxiety or depression have it common is that they've developed some unhealthy life habits they have to change before they can really heal.
*nods*. My brother has a fairly mild form of OCD. It popped up, noticeably, in his teens -- and showed up in his grades and other issues in junior high and high school. (Teachers are not prone to putting their class on hold for you,, especially not 25 years ago). He spent maybe two or three years on medication for it, and all the meds were really for was to take the edge off so he could develop methods of dealing with it.

He built his early teens *around* these quirks, without really even noticing, and he had to sort of break those patterns first. All sorts of unhealthy habits that kinda formed a cycle, reinforcing the problem.

I tend to think if your problem requires meds, odds are it really needs ongoing therapy -- the problem has done damage, created cycles and patterns in your thoughts and life that might have helped short-term but probably hurt you long-term. If nothing else, years of depression itself is just gonna color your life.

Some stuff you can't talk out. Some stuff you can't medicate away. I think talking first it probably the best bet, but I just can't understand throwing meds at it and not at least getting a head-check once you're stable. Heck, take ADHD -- if you're just gonna toss pills at it, screw you. You at least got to monitor the kid and teach him methods of coping when he's not on his meds. (Seriously, making ADHD folks remember to refill prescriptions is just a cruel, cruel thing).

schild
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Reply #268 on: February 25, 2015, 07:39:44 PM

not depression per se, but just got on celesta, xanax, and Nortriptyline for anxiety/sleeplessness. Yay law school!
Jesus grandpa, you got a pill box with the days of the week on it?
Brofellos
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Reply #269 on: February 25, 2015, 08:41:07 PM

not depression per se, but just got on celesta, xanax, and Nortriptyline for anxiety/sleeplessness. Yay law school!
Jesus grandpa, you got a pill box with the days of the week on it?

almost, but lemme tell you what, having no internal monologue rules.
Maven
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Reply #270 on: February 25, 2015, 09:01:11 PM

That would be nice.
schild
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Reply #271 on: February 25, 2015, 11:24:28 PM

My internal monologue has said "don't trust the skull" since 1999.
Maven
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Reply #272 on: February 27, 2015, 09:21:15 AM

Psychiatrist has started me on a small dose of Risperidone for sleep. I have yet to research it but five minutes after taking it my entire body slackened and I felt like I could relax into sleep.

I had only gotten 4 hours the night before so there might have been that. Sleep deprivation and inconsistent cycles have exacerbated my issues.
01101010
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Reply #273 on: February 27, 2015, 10:03:23 AM

Psychiatrist has started me on a small dose of Risperidone for sleep. I have yet to research it but five minutes after taking it my entire body slackened and I felt like I could relax into sleep.

I had only gotten 4 hours the night before so there might have been that. Sleep deprivation and inconsistent cycles have exacerbated my issues.

I have not got a good night's sleep since my 1st year in grad school in 1999. Unfortunately, that has no impact on my being an angry bastard.

Does any one know where the love of God goes...When the waves turn the minutes to hours? -G. Lightfoot
Morat20
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Reply #274 on: February 27, 2015, 10:16:10 AM

Not getting enough sleep fucks you up.

My wife got a CPAP machine and the difference wasn't "Oh, she stopped being so damn grumpy all the time" and "She stopped falling asleep while standing and reading aloud to her class" (seriously!). It was "Her blood pressure dropped back into normal range" and "She stopped having migraines" and "She lost 15 pounds" -- stuff up and down, most seemingly unrelated to sleep.

If you're not getting enough sleep, it's really important you get that looked at. Because it's fucking up your body and your mind.
Paelos
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Reply #275 on: February 27, 2015, 10:33:45 AM

Undiagnosed sleep apnea ruins you. It messes up hormones, blood pressure, fatigue, weight, nutrition, etc.

I know this from experience. I thought I had ALS because I was getting horrible muscle twitching and fatigue. 50% of my problem was my sleep apnea waking me up without me even realizing it.

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ezrast
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Reply #276 on: February 27, 2015, 11:31:28 AM

I should get off of third shift.
Maven
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Reply #277 on: February 27, 2015, 12:41:39 PM

The graveyard at the casino was one of the worst jobs for my health that I accepted. Stress plus off hours sleep -- the jump to a day school schedule was great, felt I veered away from a future breakdown. Well, or put it off later.

Today has been remarkably mellow. It is... odd.
Signe
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Muse.


Reply #278 on: March 01, 2015, 12:04:21 PM

I don't sleep and it hasn't made me crazy.

My Sig Image: hath rid itself of this mortal coil.
Lantyssa
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Reply #279 on: March 01, 2015, 03:03:57 PM

That's because you were crazy before you stopped sleeping. Heart

Hahahaha!  I'm really good at this!
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