Slashdot Whoring: Metroid movies to be made by John Woo

[schild]

Information here.

I for one, have more faith in John Woo to make a good video game -> movie conversion, as long as he gets a decent screenwriter. Unfortunately it's from Lion's Gate (which means it will be americanized as opposed to a traditional bullet ballet that made Woo so famous overseas) - and they are already flowering on the buzz with phrases like 'insidious life-sucking metroids.'

I nominate Jennifer Garner for when the suit is on, and Jennifer Love-Hewitt for when the suit is off, especially if it's rated R. My inner child wants boobies in a video game movie. Oh, and Kathy Bates for Mother Brain.

But I swear to god, if they put Angelina Jolie in the Samus role I will kill someone. Probably many someones.

[Alluvian]

What has woo done recently that hasn't sucked?  It is a real question.  I don't follow his work closely or anything, but there are so many movies I remember walking out of completely disgusted with that this guy had a part of.

Mission Fucking Impossible 2.  I will never forgive him for letting that abortion of a movie exist.

They have just been forgetable flicks at best, utter shit at worst.

I am also a died in the wool bruckheimer HATER and he made pirates of the carribean.  So I suppose anything could happen.  I don't know what to think of bruckheimer now.  I loved pirates but oh so hated shit like "The Rock", "Face/Off", "Armageddon", "Con-Air"...  Not sure about that last one, but they are all the same damn shitflick.

And lately woo has been making shit along that line.  Didn't he do Paycheck?  Movie could have been good.  I liked the premise, but it just fizzled and sputtered the whole 2 hours.  Most of my dislike was the awful action sequences.  WAY over Choreographed and bland as hell.  Plus they made NO sense in the context of the movie.  He was not an action superhero.  He was a fucking engineer.

[WayAbvPar]

John Woo is a cocksucking lacktalent of the highest order. I cannot stand his style (which is all there is, since his movies have no substance). After unmitigated crap like Face/Off and MI2, I will never watch another one of his films voluntarily.

[HaemishM]

What has woo done recently that hasn't sucked?  

IMO, Paycheck was a decent flick. MI2 was total eye candy, something I watched once and have mostly forgotten.

EDIT: I personally liked Face/Off, have loved his Hong Kong movies, especially the Killer and Hard Boiled. His American work has lacked something, mostly Chow Yun Fat I think.

[daveNYC]

Face/Off blew.  The hero character was so damn whiney.  Guh.

Probably didn't help that I'm not that big a fan of either Travolta or Cage.

[Rasix]

Don't forget Broken Arrow.  GOD THAT MOVIE BLEW.  Travolta again, no coincidence.

[schild]

Alright. Look - his Hong Kong stuff (A Better Tomorrow I & II, The Killer, Hard-Boiled, etc) is AMAZING. If fucking American studios would stop Americanizing the shit out of his stuff with explosions and tension and just let him make, one again, a bullet ballet - his movies would be phenomenal.

[Censorship]

Well, since Woo has never made a good/great American film and since movies based on videogames (Super Mario Brothers, Resident Evil, Tomb Raider 2) tend to suck phenomonally, I have little faith.

"We have to assume the mainstream audience is unfamiliar with the property"

Allow me to interpret what this probably means for fans of the Metroid series as well general audiences.  Ahem,

"Oh god my eyes!  How can so much blood be shooting out of my eyes!  Please someone remove my eyes!"

Fin

[Alluvian]

I am not going to go blaming Travolta for the fact that broken arrow and face/off sucked.  The movies would have sucked with Christopher walken and Depp.  Although I would have probably enjoyed them then because I just enjoy watching some people act no matter how shitty the movie (see Secret Window).

Why is Woo beyond blame for his US suckfests though?  Who is the evil person in "hollywood" that takes his otherwise awesome movies and randomly draws in explosions and shit?  In MI2, all the explosions and shit were Woo, not the screenwriter.  Woo wrote all the action before the script even existed.  As bad as the script was in MI2, the action scenes were still ludicrously STUPID.  And the explosions were his.

Its not like hollywood can't make a good action flick.  Sometimes they do.  Pirates, Dawn of the dead (good action flick if you don't get hung up on the lack of likeness to the original), hell jeepers creepers 2 was a better action flick than most of the Woo US shit (on my mind because I saw it this weekend and only laced with a hint of sarcasm).

I have never seen his hong kong stuff.  But is his shit in the US really because hollywood is ruining his movies?  Or has success and HUGE effects budget had the same effect on Woo that they had on Lucas?  Some people require limitations to challenge them to greatness.

It seems to me the latter is at least as likely as the former.

Heres hoping Metroid the movie is at least entertaining though.  I don't find Woo a death sentence, but it has me concerned.  But as I said before, I made the mistake of writing off Pirates when Bruckheimer was announced.  I will try and keep an open mind.

[Glamdring]

If he would lay off of the stupid slow-motion effects I might actually take him seriously.

[HaemishM]

Here's the thing about Woo. Most of his plots are really just excuses to link big, overblown action sequences together. MI2 REALLY suffered from that. He also has a number of trademark visual things that he uses OVER AND OVER. Things like doves flying in slow motion, or fights in churches, etc.

Watch The Killer and Hard Boiled. His career has not reached beyond the heights those two films achieved. The former has a pretty decent story, the latter doesn't, but it's notable for the really well-done action sequences.

[Arnold]

Alright. Look - his Hong Kong stuff (A Better Tomorrow I & II, The Killer, Hard-Boiled, etc) is AMAZING. If fucking American studios would stop Americanizing the shit out of his stuff with explosions and tension and just let him make, one again, a bullet ballet - his movies would be phenomenal.

You know, I'm getting to the point where I want to see an action film with some mundane, realistic, asskicking.  All this kung fu on wires shit is getting old.

[schild]

His old stuff doesn't have wires or kung-fu 'shit.' It's probably the medicine you're looking for.

[Arnold]

His old stuff doesn't have wires or kung-fu 'shit.' It's probably the medicine you're looking for.

Yeah, I've never seen it.  It's just when they said "bullet ballet" I had images of Neo and Trinity storming the SWAT team and things of that nature.

[HaemishM]

There is some wire work in Woo's old films, it just isn't obvious Charlie's Angels bullshit wire work. I wouldn't go so far as to say the violence is realistic, but it is ass-kicking.

Oh and McG is truly the least talented ass clown to ever direct a movie with a budget over 10 cents and should be shot twice. IN THE FACE.

[Fabricated]

Mission Fucking Impossible 2.  I will never forgive him for letting that abortion of a movie exist.

It sucked, but Tom Cruise gets hit in the head with a rock!

[Alluvian]

Was it Tom Cruise though?  Or was it a fat sumo wrestler in a mask!  Who looks EXACTLY like him until the mask comes off!!!!

[Morfiend]

I actually enjoyed Con-Air, Im not sure why. Maybe its because im a John Cusack fanboi, even though he didnt have a huge part.

I wanted to gouge my eyes out in the end fight scene of MI2, when after each punch would land, it would change views and show a wave crashing on the beach. Ugh, way to overdone. Hated it.

I think they should have tried to get one of the comic to movie directors to do this one. I have a feeling it wont be good. Not with Woo directing anyhow.

[SirBruce]

Con-Air kicked major fucking ass.

Bruce

[daveNYC]

No, but having Malkovich in it did help.

[Rasix]

Con-Air kicked major fucking ass.

Bruce

<random personal attack>Was there a squirrel cock somewhere hidden in the movie that I missed somewhere?</random personal attack>

Seriously, if you thought Con Air kicked anything you need to get a CAT scan and have some blood work done.

[HaemishM]

I would have liked ConAir a lot more had Cage not put on the worst Southern accent I've heard since Reba McIntire. There's just something wrong with "Put the bunny rabbit down..." with that really awful, nasally drawl.

Cusack and Colm Meaney were good, but the testosterone overdose infusing all of Bruckheimer's movies was really too much to take.

[WayAbvPar]

Con-Air kicked major fucking ass.

Bruce

<random personal attack>Was there a squirrel cock somewhere hidden in the movie that I missed somewhere?</random personal attack>

Seriously, if you thought Con Air kicked anything you need to get a CAT scan and have some blood work done.

Yep. ConAir was horrifyingly bad. The overacting and retarded script were unbearable.

[Riggswolfe]

<rant>

You know, since I joined F13.net I've seen nothing but non-stop vitriol aimed at every movie, video game, anime, actor, director, and other entertainment medium non-stop. I'm beginning to wonder if any of you actually like anything, including yourselves.

John Woo is a Master. I will go see a movie he directs simply on the strength of my faith in him. He's had a few blah movies in America (all because the studios didn't "get" him, they just knew he was big in Hong Kong and didn't bother to actually see WHY he was big. ). MI2 was probably the closest to a typical John Woo movie I've seen. (And for the record was 100X better than MI1)

Right now he's going through a phase of trying to branch out. Unfortunately he's metting resistance, not least from his major fanbase. They want to see Woo-fu (a pistol in each hand, slow-mo, doves, men shooting at each other while running by plate glass, other symbolism) but he wants to branch out. Hell, half the trademark John Woo moments in Paycheck (the tense standoff between Afleck and a thug during one scene for instance) were in there because Afleck insisted. He is a Woo fan and wanted to be in a Woo movie. John Woo himself is somewhat burned out on the same type of movies.

If any of you fucktards would bother doing some research, like watching more than his American movies before you spout off like a Mexican asshole after a bean fiesta you'd probably see what the fans are talking about.

Jesus Christ people, stop all the posing and talk of "gouging my eyes out" and trying to impress with your cynical about everything on the planet bullshit. Half of you probably sit naked in a tub of jello masterbating while watching Piranha 2 then come on here and try to sound like jaded movie critics.
</rant>

Back to your regular spouting....

[schild]

hahahahahhahah. That's cute. Really. Here, let's make it simple.

The Killer, A Better Tomorrow 1 & 2, and Hard-Boiled = Masterpiece works.

Mission Impossible II = His best American flick.

Everything else = Crap.

I think I covered everything.

Edit: I don't know where 'woo-fu' came from, but everyone in the 'know' calls them bullet ballets.  Maybe some research would help. John Woo did some masterful works, but the majority of his movies, both in and out of Hong Kong aren't that great. It just so happens that his great works are some of the best EVER made. Beat Takeshi has a better awesome:shitty ratio in his directorial career.

Alright, you posted before I could respond but it seems your comments weren't aimed at me. Ignore the mean tone in the above paragraph.

[Riggswolfe]

Paycheck's not crap, but other than that you're more or less summarized it. (Though I do enjoy Broken Arrow in that guilty pleasure way, mostly cause I like seeing Christian Slater and Samantha Morton reunited after Pump Up the Volume)

[Censorship]

Allow me to fire back.  I've actually been a paid movie critic.  It didn't last long, year and a half before I packed up and moved, but at least a sufficient amount of time to see a few fucking movies.  The average run was somewhere near 5 movies a week.  At least one would be in the theatre, 2-4 new releases, and always 1 they pulled from some cesspool called "art".

Aside from time spent reviewing general film, I've also invested my time in a few film classes when I held the ill-conceived dream of obtaining a film major.  (Haha, jokes on me, I chose English).

Now I've viewed a fair number of Woo films.  I won't pretend to have seen them all or perhaps even more than half.  However, I've seen enough to know that he is not anywhere near what most intelligent film viewers would call a master.

It is true Woo has pioneered a number of what have become action film standards.  Dual guns, slow-mo and explosions from every possible angle.  He's done some cool stuff, I'll admit.  But he's just as much of a hack as he is a genius.  He overplays his symbols, his strength in action sequences becomes his handicap and in general, most of his edginess has become merely passe.

For example, MI2 sucked.  It sucked bad.  Very bad.  To even compare it to its original is a sheer sign that either you posses tastes which lie in the extreme minority or that you have no fucking clue what you are talking about.  MI (mostly) followed the true spirit of the original television series and did its best to remain both high in suspense and sheer "Ooo Aaa" action factor.  How well it succeeded is up to the viewer.

MI2 abandoned the feeling of MI, turned the movie into a twisted love story and suffered from such a severe dumbing down that in one scene, Anthony Hopkins had to define a three syllabul word to both Cruise and the Audience.  It was like action by Dr. Seuss.  The lines came across so hackneyed, the scenes so fake, the plot so watered-down that whatever gem Woo saved in his bag of gimmicks was lost by the fact the movie itself was a peice of shit.

So next time you feel like lecturing us all on how cultured your opinion is, don't even bother.

You wish to watch a master, watch Hitchcock.  But come here telling me that Woo is some kind of directorial genius when he is the one responsible for MI2, Windtalkers and Face/Off, well you've come to the wrong place.  I don't care how goddamn fantastic his Asian career was.  What he's producing now is shit, shit which leaves me little hope that he will somehow take a movie based on a videgame (a task which many have failed at repeatedly - Mario Bros) and turn it into anything other than a mindnumbing wander through flash without substance.

Edit:  Above post applies mainly to Riggs original rant.

[schild]

Out of curiosity, who are you talking to? If it was me, I'd like to respond. If not, well, I'm not going to bother.

[Rasix]

stuff

Censorship put it the elegant way.  But man, you've got "angry stupid" down to an art. Woo is a fucking hack. If he ever gets near a franchise I care about I'm going after him with a spork and a slingshot.

Next.

[Riggswolfe]

Allow me to fire back.  I've actually been a paid movie critic.  It didn't last long, year and a half before I packed up and moved, but at least a sufficient amount of time to see a few fucking movies.  The average run was somewhere near 5 movies a week.  At least one would be in the theatre, 2-4 new releases, and always 1 they pulled from some cesspool called "art".

Aside from time spent reviewing general film, I've also invested my time in a few film classes when I held the ill-conceived dream of obtaining a film major.  (Haha, jokes on me, I chose English).

Congrats. You've been paid to watch movies and taken some film classes. That bit of background makes you no more worthy than the next geek who watches tons of movies and does some research on his favorite directors/producers/etc. That's like me saying that my computer science degree makes me more qualified to tell you what games are good and that your opinion is worthless.

Now I've viewed a fair number of Woo films.  I won't pretend to have seen them all or perhaps even more than half.  However, I've seen enough to know that he is not anywhere near what most intelligent film viewers would call a master.

He is practically revered in Hong Kong. His name is right up there with Chow Yun Fat and Jackie Chan in that city. Like most of the Hong Kong action guys though, Hollywood called then didn't let them do what they're best at. (Even Jackie Chan went through a few Americanized films before he got with American directors who gave him free reign to do what he does best).

It is true Woo has pioneered a number of what have become action film standards.  Dual guns, slow-mo and explosions from every possible angle.  He's done some cool stuff, I'll admit.  But he's just as much of a hack as he is a genius.  He overplays his symbols, his strength in action sequences becomes his handicap and in general, most of his edginess has become merely passe.

That's because everybody and their dog copies John Woo now. Now he faces the fact that stuff he pioneered is so copied that it is losing its edge. To his credit he is also tired of it, problem is, people want to see a John Woo movie, which does include a slo-mo dove fly-by and a shoot out in a church.

For example, MI2 sucked.  It sucked bad.  Very bad.  To even compare it to its original is a sheer sign that either you posses tastes which lie in the extreme minority or that you have no fucking clue what you are talking about.  MI (mostly) followed the true spirit of the original television series and did its best to remain both high in suspense and sheer "Ooo Aaa" action factor.  How well it succeeded is up to the viewer.

MI was ok. At best. I might watch it on cable if I have nothing to do. MI2 was twice the movie the original was and always will be. Better plot. Better villian. Better action by far. MI was another sign that  maybe Brian De Palma needs to retire. He is a good example of a director who was once good but has not made a good movie in years. Mission Impossible included. I almost didn't see MI2 because of MI but I heard Woo was directing and couldn't resist. Thank god.

MI2 abandoned the feeling of MI, turned the movie into a twisted love story and suffered from such a severe dumbing down that in one scene, Anthony Hopkins had to define a three syllabul word to both Cruise and the Audience.  It was like action by Dr. Seuss.  The lines came across so hackneyed, the scenes so fake, the plot so watered-down that whatever gem Woo saved in his bag of gimmicks was lost by the fact the movie itself was a peice of shit.

MI had the feeling of Mission Impossible? What are you smoking? The team was killed off in the first 5 minutes. After that it resembled one of the less entertaining James Bond movies more than Mission Impossible. I truly fail to see how a movie that used codenames based on ancient Greek myths could be called dumbed down. About the only thing I didn't like in MI2 was the rubber masks. It was too much of a gimmick. It felt like they used it everytime they couldn't figure out how to get the Hero from point A to point B.

So next time you feel like lecturing us all on how cultured your opinion is, don't even bother.

I didn't lecture you on how cultured my opinion was dumbshit. I lectured you on how you're all full of hot air and think YOU are cultured. Sorta like telling us all how you were a paid movie critic and took some film classes. As if that makes your opinion more valuable than anyone elses.

You wish to watch a master, watch Hitchcock.  

<sarcasm> Thank god you didn't go with a safe bet and a director from a totally different genre. </sarcasm>

But come here telling me that Woo is some kind of directorial genius when he is the one responsible for MI2, Windtalkers and Face/Off, well you've come to the wrong place.  I don't care how goddamn fantastic his Asian career was.  What he's producing now is shit, shit which leaves me little hope that he will somehow take a movie based on a videgame (a task which many have failed at repeatedly - Mario Bros) and turn it into anything other than a mindnumbing wander through flash without substance.

Edit:  Above post applies mainly to Riggs original rant.

Face/Off was one of the last of the movies where Woo wasn't given total freedom. That said it is a semi-decent movie and has some Woo touches that were used poorly. Just because he is a great director doesn't mean he doesn't stumble. Almost all of them do. Windtalkers was him trying to do something a little different from his staple, and was an interesting movie if not one of my favorites. It was a little to heavyhanded in its moral for my tastes.

My guess is that Woo won't direct Metroid. He'll get frustrated and drop out of the project due to silly demands that'll probably be made on him. My guess is that Metroid will be lucky to arrive in the semi-watchable category of games->movies. However, if he does direct. I'll go see it. It may end up being shit. But with a good director like Woo at the helm, it has a chance. It depends on the script and how much freedom the studio gives him. Honestly, I don't think he's a good fit for a video game movie. Much like I don't like the thought of Jackie Chan in the role of Passepourte (the Frenchman whose name I can't spell) in Around the World in 80 days.

Anyway, I'll leave you to wallow in that superiority granted to you by your short stint as a paid movie critic and failed film student.

[Riggswolfe]

Censorship put it the elegant way.  But man, you've got "angry stupid" down to an art. Woo is a fucking hack. If he ever gets near a franchise I care about I'm going after him with a spork and a slingshot.

Next.

You think he's a hack, I don't. That means I'm "angry stupid". Actually, what it means is I'm not a sheep that'll bow down to the F13 masses. You go after my Woo with a spork and a slingshot and I'll shove them up your ass. Sideways. Until you bleed. In slow motion. As a dove flies by.

[Alluvian]

I just have this odd urge to point out that MI:2 was the movie we choose to go to as a group of about 12 from my old EQ guild got together.  I am surprised we didn't get kicked out of the movie because it was cracking us up in all the wrong ways.  It was AWFUL.  I think the only reason we didn't get kicked out is that we were far from the worst offenders.  Nobody from that group even gave it a 'decent' rating.  It was more on the lines of prefering an ass fissure to seeing the film again.  It was that bad.  First MI movie also sucked.  MI2 was worse though.

I don't give a shit what people in other countries think of Woo.  Why would I?  Jerry Lewis is a fucking saint in France.  Does that mean I should laugh at his stupidity?  David Hasselhoff is HUGE in many places. Does not mean I ever want to listen to the crap that comes out when he opens his mouth.

And I also don't care about his classic films.  It has no bearing on the subject at hand which was the idea of him making METROID into a movie.  And I can't see that as being anything but a clusterfuck.  For whatever reason you want to take (there are a ton of them).

All that said, I would still check out reviews before saying I would never see it.  I had stated I would never see another Bruckheimer flick after watching armageddon.  Then he goes and makes Pirates of the Carribean.  Based off a freaking Disney ride.... WTF?  Sure Depp made the movie great, but it wasn't the only good thing in the movie by far.  It still would have been good without depp, but not great.

[WayAbvPar]

^^^^^^^
Exactly.

MI was ok. At best. I might watch it on cable if I have nothing to do. MI2 was twice the movie the original was and always will be. Better plot. Better villian. Better action by far. MI was another sign that maybe Brian De Palma needs to retire. He is a good example of a director who was once good but has not made a good movie in years. Mission Impossible included. I almost didn't see MI2 because of MI but I heard Woo was directing and couldn't resist. Thank god.

MI didn't have fucking spray on faces that looked identical to real people. Or two idiots crashing into each other at 50 MPH after leaping from head on motorcycles only to get to their feet, unscratched, and have a fucking martial arts fight.  I could go on, but the point is MI2 was too stupid to live.  Don't even get me started on Face/Off.

The few Woo movies I have seen have made me weep with their sheer idiocy and retarded 'style'. Why should I go back and see his older stuff before he was a sellout? Any master of his craft would be improving, not getting worse. If that is the case, my head may actually explode watching his older works. I can only tolerate so much stupid, after all.

Informational- I have a VERY high standard when it comes to movies, especially when I get off my ass and go see one in the theatre. It is not the money that bothers me- it is the waste of time, and having to rub shoulders with all the fucking dimwits who are grinning ear to ear while I am looking around for exit signs and trying not to vomit. If a movie sucks on cable or DVD, I can turn the goddamned thing off, or at least do something entertaining while it is on. In a theatre, my 2 hours are already wasted.

[HaemishM]

Actually, if you want to discuss why Chan, Woo and Fat have not made such a big splash with American movies, OR why their American movies are not as good as their Hong Kong ones, I'll give you one reason.

Stuntmen. Not that our stuntmen are worse, but see we have UNIONS here. And OSHA regulations and shit that define just how much physical danger a stuntman can be placed in on the job. In Hong Kong, those restrictions were much, much more lax. So the stunts that can be done are much less dangerous and authentic looking than the ones they do in Hong Kong. So in essence, the directors/actors/stuntmen are restricted creatively and have to rely on things like shitty CGI and bigger explosions to cover up the things they'd just have stuntmen do in Hong Kong.

Not to mention that yes, those 3 guys could pretty much have carte blanche in Hong Kong, whereas over here, they are just some Asian guy.

[daveNYC]

MI2 was twice the movie the original was and always will be.

Twice of zero is still zero.