Help with early parenting advice.

[Ironwood]

Indeed.

Though usually there is at least one mum out there who has had 6 or 7 and she can calm your wife the fuck down and tell her not to be so fucking stupid.

I'm given to understand.

[Yegolev]

I'm not able to comment on all that woman shit.  It does help, though.  Also, some other moms are young and have only had one.

[Ironwood]

Also, some other mums are young and hot and may be a nice substitute for your wife while she recovers.

[ghost]

This is fine, since being worried in the first place means you are a good parent.

This is absolutely not true.  Over worrying parents are some of the worst there are.

[Zaljerem]

Welcome to the difference between men and women.  More importantly, fathers and mothers.

Your wife needs to knock it off now.  It'll only lead to worse situations of smothering.  You need to understand how impossibly hard this is for her.  Like, withstanding torture hard.

If you don't sort it now, welcome to the boy being in your bed at six years old and you on the sofa.

This seems to be my lot in life here at F13 ...
1) Find interesting thread that I may be able to contribute to
2) Read thread, realize Ironwood has already said what I was going to say (and likely said it better)
3) Go back to lurking

[Paelos]

This is fine, since being worried in the first place means you are a good parent.

This is absolutely not true.  Over worrying parents are some of the worst there are.

Worse than people that release their kids into the streets while they score crack? Perspective, man.

[Yegolev]

This is fine, since being worried in the first place means you are a good parent.

This is absolutely not true.  Over worrying parents are some of the worst there are.

I'm trying to be reassuring, you cockstab.

[01101010]

Yeah, get your wife into a circle of social woman ASAP if she doesn't have one already.

Talking with a group of mums and multiple mums is the best way to find shit out and get your head out of the 'omg I can't do this, I don't know how, panic, weep, wail, run to husband' cycle.

This is how reality shows start...and other devious shit 

[Ironwood]

Welcome to the difference between men and women.  More importantly, fathers and mothers.

Your wife needs to knock it off now.  It'll only lead to worse situations of smothering.  You need to understand how impossibly hard this is for her.  Like, withstanding torture hard.

If you don't sort it now, welcome to the boy being in your bed at six years old and you on the sofa.

This seems to be my lot in life here at F13 ...
1) Find interesting thread that I may be able to contribute to
2) Read thread, realize Ironwood has already said what I was going to say (and likely said it better)
3) Go back to lurking

I can shut up if you'd like*


*This is not true.  I can't.  I've tried it.

[ghost]

This is fine, since being worried in the first place means you are a good parent.

This is absolutely not true.  Over worrying parents are some of the worst there are.

Worse than people that release their kids into the streets while they score crack? Perspective, man.

That doesn't mean that its a good idea to be either way.

[MahrinSkel]

That is a great idea.  Eventually you both will realize that no one knows what they are doing.  This is fine, since being worried in the first place means you are a good parent.

Some geek with a lot of kids and a degree in developmental psych needs to write "Babies: The Missing Manual".

--Dave

[Khaldun]

I cannot stress this enough. This thread is a good example of this. Child-rearing is the single place where people are most inclined to universalize circumstances which are intensely particular and individualistic. Especially when you invite them to give advice.

I'm not immune, so I'll tell you what I would universalize about what I've learned through raising a kid: that kids have very distinctive individual personalities pretty much from the day they pop out of the womb. Their personalities come from somewhere, e.g., they're not randomized. They have some relationship with what they inherit from parents and their wider kin network. But they're also a new RNG version of those inheritances. What you do or don't do has some meaningful effect on their personality, but it is a mistake to assume that you can just turn a switch this way or that and get a completely new person or behavior in the bargain. My brother was determined from day 1 that he was going to have a very disciplined approach to childrearing, that there would be rules, and so on. Well, problem #1 is that he's not very disciplined, so you can't teach a kid to do something that you don't do. Problem #2 is that he's not disciplined for some deep reasons, and neither am I, and that's fine--but odds were high that his kids would have some of the same affordances. Which they do. It's taken him a long time to abandon his fixations, which were not benefitting his kids or him.

You're probably right about what you're seeing in terms of different behavior in relation to different people and different styles. The mistake might be to think that there is anything but gentle modification you can do as far as that goes, because the reasons why there's different behavior might have nothing to do with the more obvious or conscious practices of your wife (or yourself)--there could be very deep, powerful cues involved that you and she are not really able to do much about, and even if you could, changing those cues might not have the results you believe that they would have.

People who think that they can make everything go the way they want with an infant or toddler and therefore produce exactly the human being they believe they should produce, particularly when the ideal is something that neither parent really exemplifies, are in for more than a few rude awakening. Raising a kid is like a long afternoon of surfing: you get some great cowabunga moments where the waves are beautiful and you hit them just right, some wipeouts, some long periods where nothing is breaking. No surfer would ever imagine that they can make the waves break just the way that they plan for them to break, or stop them from coming when you're not ready.

[Wasted]

Six months old is probably a little early for childcare imo, but don't discount the value of just one day a week for a break and early social exposure for the kid.  Also I see no mention of the grandparents anywhere, they aren't available at all?  My wife had post-natal depression with our first and after the more intensive part of the treatment my step-mother took my son one afternoon a week which was a real help, and helped make him close to my parents as well..and a lot cheaper than childcare.

[Ironwood]

you can't teach a kid to do something that you don't do.

Elena is polite, generous and kind.

 

Yeah, yeah, I know;  She probably gets that from her Mum. 

[Azazel]

Your answers will come from discussions with your wife and perhaps some couples counselling.  Not from this place.

After I read this in Nebu's post, I didn't even bother reading the rest of the thread. This is the best answer you'll find anywhere on the internet.

To be fair, he's not asking for legal advice, and a number of people here have kids. I don't see it as so different to simply asking other parents you know for advice or reflection on their own experiences. Remember Tale's dating thread? He met a 45 year old "life coach" at a speed dating session. You don't need so-called "professionals" or counselling for everything.

[Azazel]

That is a great idea.  Eventually you both will realize that no one knows what they are doing.  This is fine, since being worried in the first place means you are a good parent.

Some geek with a lot of kids and a degree in developmental psych needs to write "Babies: The Missing Manual".

--Dave

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Baby-Owners-Manual-Instructions-Trouble-shooting/dp/1931686238/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1327752337&sr=8-1

[ghost]

Your answers will come from discussions with your wife and perhaps some couples counselling.  Not from this place.

After I read this in Nebu's post, I didn't even bother reading the rest of the thread. This is the best answer you'll find anywhere on the internet.

To be fair, he's not asking for legal advice, and a number of people here have kids. I don't see it as so different to simply asking other parents you know for advice or reflection on their own experiences. Remember Tale's dating thread? He met a 45 year old "life coach" at a speed dating session. You don't need so-called "professionals" or counselling for everything.

What about angry programmers and drunken Scots? 

[Azazel]

I see no reason that being one thing precludes being a caring or good parent as another.

[UnSub]

1 word: routine. Keep it and keep it consistent for your child. They need to sleep at fixed times, eat at fixed times and play at fixed times.

If you and your wife are doing things differently in that area, then it could be a reason for a number of issues.

[Merusk]

Unsub has made an excellent point. One so basic I'd forgotten it myself.  (Hey, it's been 7 years) 

[Venkman]

Shit, routine applies just as equally at seven years. Kids subconsciously want structure because until they hit double digits, parents are their baseline for How Stuff Works. 15 minute warnings, checklists, allowance, all that stuff. Obviously that kind of thing doesn't apply to a 6 month old. But some structure can start that early.

Anywho, only have two kids and they're still pre-tween, but the best advice is just a summary of this thread:

• Talk it out. And remind each other what you talked out. Because after after six months into sporadic cat naps through nights of incessant and random screaming, it's easy to forget.
  
• Be social, particularly with other new families, Your inlaws are loving having a baby toy they can put away when they're done, but they're way the hell out of practice and likely did things very different. Still love my Dad's offhand "why you worrying about bottles, that's her job" comment. Someone missed the millenium shift. At the same time, avoid people who are prone to getting all on up in your shit with their viewpoint too. You want advice, not edicts, particularly because the most hardened opinions are often whitewashing their own insecurities anyway.
  
• Routine. See above. Very important. And to not forget. If that means you're leaving the mall at 2pm to rush home for the scheduled nap, all jealous that "everyone elses' kids" are asleep in their strollers in the goddamned food court of all places, too bad. That's just another aspect of keeping up with the (always fake) Jones. Don't worry about what you see around you too much. Your second kid will be different. Which leads to:
  
• Your second kid will be different. Subtley or overtly, whatever you did the first time around isn't going to work the same way the second. Thumb sucking or pacifiers. Bottles types if bottle fed. Sleeps through the night or not. Awesome in cars or not. Loves animals or not. This all starts right away. For example, my wife knew within three weeks that our second was gonna have a bad temper while our first was (and still is largely) easy going. Six years later she was spot on.
  

Most importantnly, know your limits. Both of you. Don't feel like you're throwing in the towel if you go the daycare route. Villages and communites have contributed to raising kids since forever. This goes for breastfeeding vs bottle feeding. The former works for some. But when it doesn't, Babies R Us it.

[Yegolev]

That is a great idea.  Eventually you both will realize that no one knows what they are doing.  This is fine, since being worried in the first place means you are a good parent.

Some geek with a lot of kids and a degree in developmental psych needs to write "Babies: The Missing Manual".

--Dave

I don't need no fucking degree.  Main problem is it would be more of a pamphlet.  And full of venom.

[Ironwood]

Second Kid.

Lol.

[Lantyssa]

You laugh now...

[Ironwood]

I'd rather cut it off.  Like in Overfiend.

[Yegolev]

This reminds me that I need to be fixed.

[WayAbvPar]

This reminds me that I need to be fixed.

Yeah, I get to explore that wonderful option here in about 2 months or so...2nd one is due March 8th and I can't live through a 3rd. Still not sure the 2nd one won't kill me, but that ship has sailed.

[ghost]

The wife and I were considering it, I just hate fully burning that bridge.  I've seen too many people change their minds and have reversals. 

[shiznitz]

If it helps, it can be done to make reversals easier or virtually impossible.  I will spare everyone the details of what is done differently.

After my third, I went for the latter.  No regrets after 6 years.  At 43, I cannot imagine going through the 0-12 month phase again.  There are enough families around us with that "surprise" baby that I am doubly happy I made the call.  I also did it despite the wife's reservations at the time.  Number 3 was 4 months old and in the car when the wife dropped me off at the urologist office, crying her eyes out and asking me to reconsider.

She is completely happy I did it now, though.

[Ingmar]

The whole thing is actually way less painful than you'd expect, too.

[01101010]

This thread has plunged into the

  zone.

[ghost]

Dude, it's f13.  What did you expect?  It's actually been pretty tame, considering it isn't the politics board.

[Yegolev]

In my opinion, a second child right now would get more on the scale than having my balls detached.  I mean, not shooting sperm has no downside.

[Selby]

I mean, not shooting sperm has no downside.

Unless you're trying to conceive and nature has decided it isn't in the cards for you ;-)

[Slayerik]

The whole thing is actually way less painful than you'd expect, too.

Minus the 3 locals. After that, it's nothing :P