Lolore: Worgens Gone Wild

[01101010]

Ok, opinion time from the readers. I need to know which zone you would rather me hit next on this journey. Here are your choices:

1 - Ashenvale
2 - Duskwood
3 - Wetlands

First off, god damn good work here. Nice to read something that I could, if I had any creative chops, saying/interpreting in those quests...having done them all myself.

Secondly, I say fuck the elves and go to duskwood. Much fun killing your own kind and you can start using your human/wolf ability to create some great storylines. Never like the Wetlands even though I have not been there since cata.

[WindupAtheist]

Duskwood seconded!

[Sheepherder]

Yeah, I only see one viable choice there.

[Paelos]

I had guessed it would be Duskwood, but you never know. It's good, because I'm tired of the elves crap anyway. 

[Malakili]

Ok, opinion time from the readers. I need to know which zone you would rather me hit next on this journey. Here are your choices:

1 - Ashenvale
2 - Duskwood
3 - Wetlands

I'd say Duskwood or Wetlands, just because as much as we all like elf jokes, an entire other zone worth might make them stale. 

[Rasix]

Ashenvale is terrible.  Both from a design point and a "full of fucking bugs" point.

[Paelos]

Ashenvale is terrible.  Both from a design point and a "full of fucking bugs" point.

My only concern is they didn't do much to Darkshore in the change, but I've never done it from a lore or Worgen perspective, so it's probably fertile ground. I'll see how it goes this week as I take some notes there.

[Sheepherder]

Before Cataclysm there was a tie-in quest between Ashenvale and Duskwood. (yeah, I know, what the hell?)  The end result was the startling revelation that all the shit going in Duskwood is the fault of those animal fucking purple elves.  It was great, I wonder if it's still there.

[Ingmar]

Before Cataclysm there was a tie-in quest between Ashenvale and Duskwood. (yeah, I know, what the hell?)  The end result was the startling revelation that all the shit going in Duskwood is the fault of those animal fucking purple elves.  It was great, I wonder if it's still there.

Sadly no.

[Paelos]

Several weeks went by of my blowing all my cash on liquor and entertainment of the elven variety. In fact, I raised such hell in Tree-town, I guess they finally got tired of me. I woke up one morning in the hold of a human boat, in an empty wine barrel wearing an elf priestess dress. When I asked one of the sailors where we were headed, he said this was the boat to Stormwind, the human capital. Huh. Do they sell pants?

We arrive in Stormwind, and I immediately head to the tailor to get myself some decent clothes. I should point out that while I was relaxing in the Worgen tree with Greystash and his buddies, they taught me a neat trick. It seems that Worgen who have mastered their minds can actually shift back into their human forms if they have enough skill. Seeing as I'm one skilled mother-fucker, this was no problem for me. Now I can wander about the human lands without anyone knowing about my wolfishness. Occasionally though, I liked to pull it out to scare children who would drop their sweets running away  in terror when nobody else was looking. I love cookies.

Anyway it seems that Stormwind sports one of those merc-boards like Treetown, so I go check it out for work. A place called Duskwood is complaining about a Worgen problem. I figure it takes one to solve one, so I head down the road to the town. As I cross the river into Duskwood, it's name becomes readily apparent. The place is fucking creepy. Spider webs everywhere, dark mists floating under the trees, gravestones, etc. It's like Hallows End all the time. I get to town where I meet the captain of the Night's Watch, who gives me the low-down. Worgen are running amok in the country-side, dead have risen from their graves, blah blah blah. Lady, I dealt with this shit back in Gilneas, just point me at what you want to die. She wants me to clean out the Worgen first.

Now, being Worgen myself, I'm not about to go kill these other Worgen unless they are total dicks. So I shift into wolf-form and go over for a friendly chat. Mistake. These guys are in fact, mindless assholes. Change of plans. It's fire time. You know what my real problem with this mission was after it was done? It wasn't killing my own kind, as I'm equal opportunity. No it's the fact you can never really get the smell of singing fur out of your senses for days. Seriously, every meal I eat for two days tastes like burned fur. It fucking sucks. It sort of makes me want to learn how to kill things without fire. Luckily, that insane notion passes quickly.

Next, I find a dude name Tobias who is looking for his brother Stalvan, who the town said was dead. He's willing to pay me to find out what happened since nobody else seems willing to talk. No problem, I can be very persuasive. I go to the city hall, where the records dude is sitting there at a desk looking all nerdy with his glasses and his books and his baldness. I ask him about Stalvan. He looks up slightly over his glasses and tells me to fuck off. I smile at him, ask him if he's sure he wants to make me angry? You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Once again, he eyes me up, probably looking at the fact I'm just a skinny guy carrying a stick, and tells me to leave before he has to call the guards to show me out. I take a look around to see if anyone is watching, shift into Worgen form, and slam his smartass head three times into his desk, breaking his glasses. You obviously weren't listening, asshole. I asked about Stalvan? He suddenly remembers the documents were stolen by Worgen. Convenient. I'll be back.

I spend the next day going around the country side looking for pages from Stalvan's journal for clues. I had to kill several Worgen to get them, but that was no problem. Some of these also learned to cast spells, but all they could do was fling shadows at me. OOOoooOOOooo, shadows. I'm fucking scared. Taste flame, dickheads. The pages I collect don't exactly paint Stalvan in a flattering light. By the time I'm done, I have a journal of a dude who got tossed out of every school he taught at for "undisclosed reasons" with his male students only to arrive in Duskwood and fall into love with an under-aged student who spurned his love for another man. Then he killed her. What a loser.

So, I head back to Tobias and tell him, "Hey dude, you're brother's journal was stolen by Worgen. Turns out he was a pederast and a murderer. Have a nice day." He's all like, woah woah, this can't be true, we have to find out more. There's a chick down in town who can divine things from his family ring. Hey you keep paying, and  I'll find out exactly where on the doll he touched them, buddy. It's your silver. Just don't be surprised if we turn up something you don't like. I take the ring to this Madam who says we can use it to summon Stalvan from the dead to ask him ourselves. She waits for me to be shocked by this information. I am not. She looks disappointed. I'm like, lady, lighting up the walking dead is a hobby of mine. One more ain't gonna make me shit my pants.

I take Tobias to Stalvan's old house and use the ring to summon him. He walks through the door looking all dead and gross wearing tattered clothes. I've often wondered why the undead bother with clothes. What are they hiding at that point? I mean if you're mostly bones, I'm guessing your naughty bits rotted off a long time ago. I wanted to ask, but Tobias started bawling at his brother first. He asked him if it was true that he was a murderer. Conveniently he left out the molesty part. Stalvan says of course it's true, he was full of rage. He says Tobias knows rage, doesn't he. After all he's a Worgen! Tobias shifts into wolf form and re-kills his dead brother, then runs off howling, "Nooooooooo!" Drama-queen.

I head back to find Tobias at his regular house, sobbing. He can't believe it's true and he's sorry he didn't mention the fact he's a worgen. I'm like, hey man, I'm a worgen too. There's a whole bunch of them living in Treetown if you can put up with the fact it's infested by ungrateful elves who are responsible for all the world's problems. He says he'll go check that out and gives me a bonus to keep my mouth shut about his brother. And so I will. Except for what I'm writing down. That doesn't involve me talking.

Captain of the Watch tells me that there are some weird lights coming from an old tower that they thought was abandoned. Would I mind going to check it out? Scared of lights are we? Fine, these people really like investigating things. Turns out there's this crazy old bastard living in the tower next to a table full of awful potions surrounded by dead flesh. Obviously, he's a necromancer. He asks if I would mind helping an old man for payment. Fire-for-hire works for anybody with cash. Plus I get to double dip on this mission. Score.

Old bastard wants me to find ghost hair. He says he needs it for window dressing or some shit to keep out bad spirits. Uh huh, dude I don't care what you do with it, you don't need to lie to me. I go to find this hair from an old dead chick called Blind Mary. She lives in a shack by herself out in a graveyard surrounded by zombies. One look at how ugly this chick was tells me that her living conditions weren't that different from when she was alive. Blech. She wants me to kill a zombie who lives in a church in exchange for the ghost hair. Why the hell would a zombie live in a church? If I ever come back as undead, I'm haunting a brothel or something.

Anyway, I kill the zombie, get the hair, and return it to the old loon. He mutters something about me being a fool, thinking I don't hear him, and asks me if I can get some zombie juice from the tavern. He says he needs it to stay warm. I flat out tell him, dude, I get it. You're a fucking necro. DON'T. CARE. He tries to deny it by paying me more. Whatever. I go to the tavern and bring back the juice. Now he wants ghoul ribs for, uh, he can't think of a good reason. I tell him to level with me. He's making a giant abomination to punish the town because they thought he was crazy and forced him to leave. See, I can get behind crazy revenge. I can't support being lied to. I have standards.

So, I slaughter who cares how many ghouls because they were already dead anyway, and I bring back some tasty ribs. He cackles and tells me to take a letter to the mayor. It's basically a big fuck you note to the town. Having never met the mayor, I wander up to him at City Hall in the middle of a town meeting, hand him the letter and innocently say, "This nice man I met in a tower wanted me to give you this."

The mayor is aghast and tells me I may have doomed us all. I act shocked, then tell him that I just happen to be a specialist in making undead problems go away, for the right price. He furiously argues with me for a long time about taking advantage of the town when this was all my fault. I let him rage out before he finally hears the thing out there destroying the town. I'm like, tick-tock, chief. Whatcha gonna do? He says he'll pay me after I take care of it. Nope. I learned the lesson from the bear. Pay me now or lose me forever. Why don't you crack into that town treasury over there and we'll do some business?

My pockets full of gold, I saunter into the town square to find every soldier fighting this HUGE undead abomination. Not having any kegs of gunpowder like the last time I faced these things, I'm going to have to improvise. There's a huge well in the middle of town. I jump into the fray and start casting fireballs at this big ugly. He gets pissed off and starts running after me. I proceed to run around and around the well screaming and chucking fire at this thing for what seemed like hours. Luckily it was slow and burning. The soldiers were of course, no help. Most of them were laughing as I ran around in circles like an idiot.

Finally, the thing keels over and I win. Before the mayor can decide to send the soldiers to collect his money for him, I bail out of town down the south road. Let them find me. I head over to a town called Raven's Hill. There are sane worgen everywhere in it. They tell me they are investigating reports of a loose worgen in the area who reportedly hasn't killed anyone. They are trying to put together a potion that will help the worgen regain their minds. They ask me how I regained my mind. I tell them that a bunch of elves made me drink from three wells at the bottom of a stump while chanting nonsense. They agree that probably won't work here.

The head worgen send me to go take out a few walking plants so he can make the potion. Once he gets the ingredients, he wants me to catch the loose worgen and bring him here. I find the dude in a nearby barn, sitting in the rafters. I coax him down to say we need to have a little talk, then I knocked him unconscious with my Soul Pole. I don't like to take chances. I haul him back and they manage to put him in a huge guillotine. Seems this potion better work, or heads will roll. Hur hur.

It does work and the Worgen jumps up to choke a guy named Jitters for all his problems. Apparently he brought all the Worgen here! I'm like, no dude, the elves were the Worgen, they are dicks. He's asks really? I say yeah, if you have a supernatural problem, or something turning into something evil, it's pretty much always elves. He looks confused but agrees, and puts down Jitters. His name is Sven Yorgen. Yorgen the Worgen. No I can't make this shit up. It's really that stupid.

Yorgen says the undead shouldn't be here because they killed something called Morflenbell a while ago. I'm not sure on the name. Anyway he wants me to see what happened. I go to the things house, which is of course surrounded by undead, and all I find is a bloody pointed hat. I go back and say, dude's dead. Have this hat. Yorgen thinks he must have been reborn as a lich. Does anything ever die here? Do you just wait like five years and return as a walking asshole in this town? The way I understand it you go from living to dead to worm to undead to lich to possibly angry shadow spirit? If that's the case, I don't want to be buried here. That's too much work.

Since it's simply not enough to kill a lich, I first have to assemble a staff of old which will remove the magic barrier around it. In my experience so far, these things are total bullshit. If it wasn't for the fact that I happened to randomly fall over the pieces of the staff that were missing on the way to the Lich, I would have completely ignored it. Still, I assembled the stupid thing and waved it at Morfeldugan when I saw him. He got all pissed and tossed some shadows at me. Evil is really stupid if they think that's supposed to be their edge in combat. Fire trumps shadow.

So I destroyed Moodlefoodle, and saved the day. Yorgen-Worgen is very happy and pays me extra for my trouble, along with giving me a nice ring that I'll probably end up hocking for liquor in the next town. There's a chick worgen in town who says that she'd be more than happy for me to hang out with her before I leave town. I ask if she's learned how to switch back to her human form yet. She has not. I'll pass. She says she has some friends in the jungle that need help taking care of some rebels. Sounds like just the merc-work I need.

[WindupAtheist]

Several weeks went by of my blowing all my cash on liquor and entertainment of the elven variety. In fact, I raised such hell in Tree-town, I guess they finally got tired of me. I woke up one morning in the hold of a human boat, in an empty wine barrel wearing an elf priestess dress. When I asked one of the sailors where we were headed, he said this was the boat to Stormwind, the human capital. Huh. Do they sell pants?

This is way better than whatever breadcrumb quest they might have had anyway. Moar. 

[Sheepherder]

By the way Paelos, you missed some awesome in the Worgen intro:

http://www.wowhead.com/spell=68552

EDIT:  The elves ruining everything is a nice touch, I would have gone that route myself.

[Paelos]

The funny thing is it's true about the elves. Got a Naga? Ruined elves. Satyrs? Elves once. Worgen? Elves. Giant Evil Titan comes into our world? You gotta know elves did it.

[WindupAtheist]

I really wish WoW were more like this story.

[Paelos]

I had to spend some time in STV. That was god-awful. I plan on doing some on it, but not much. I'm finding much more interesting stuff in WPL, which is next on the list for a full write up.

[Paelos]

Welcome to the jungle, it gets worse here every day. No seriously, this place sucks ass. It's all leafy and hot as shit, with sharp toothy animals roaming around all over the place. Oh and even the fish have huge sharp teeth. The fucking fish! I'm not 100% on the food chain around here, but I'm fairly certain I'm somewhere between the fish and about twenty raptors working together to solve riddles. I'll leave it at that.

So I show up to the a small camp full of "rebels" and ask for the leader. I meet him in the back and get the rundown. He tells me that they all used to be part of an alliance squad sent to quell trolls in the jungle, but they ran into some problems when their commanding officer went batshit crazy. The Commander Kurzen declared himself emperor of the jungle or something and handed out potions that made you feel awesome but probably corrupted your mind. Yep, dude lost it and started passing out drugs. I hang out at all the wrong parties.

Long and short of it is the Rebel leader wants me to see what happened to Kurzen. They haven't heard anything from that end of that rebel camp. I'm like wait, they are rebels too? The leader says yes, but he rebelled from the Kurzen rebels. I'm like, if you rebel from rebellion doesn't that mean you aren't actually rebels? It cancels out right? He says it's jungle law so the rules of grammar don't apply here. I contemplated explaining what it WOULDN'T be like NOT to kick his ass, but I think the point would be lost.

I head over to Kurzen's camp and find a bunch of weird looking dudes wandering around in dresses chugging blue shit from bottles. They all have a crazy half-cocked eyebrow look and pencil thin moustache that let you know right off the bat rational thought has left the building. I do a quick scouting of the camp to find out they have managed to construct a fully functioning lumber mill, a large mansion, and a substantial stone tower next to a cave. I have to admit that's pretty damn industrious for being in the middle of the jungle. I mean for being batshit crazy at least Kurzen maintained a solid workforce of drug-addled transvestites. King Greystash would have just hollowed out a fucking tree and called it a day.

I managed to sneak into the mansion and toast a couple of the crazy dudes who were cleaning the place. I rummaged through the furniture to find any records of Kurzen. As I head upstairs I see three people sitting in a bamboo cage. They all start begging for me to let them out. I'm like sure, what's it worth to you? It's amazing how fast people go from happy to shocked when you start talking about price. You got a problem with it? Stay there. Freedom isn't free, assclowns. They agree to my reasonable fee and I let them out. They wait for me to take them to camp, and I tell them this ain't no escort service. Best beat feet before one of those jungle-dresses catch you out of your cage.

I find a rather poorly written journal describing how the camp is getting on without Kurzen. Apparently, they killed him when he promised them raspberry jam for breakfast but only had orange marmalade. It's a tough but fancy crowd. I also find a bottle of the blue shit they are drinking and take both of them back to the Rebel leader. He says he'll have his alchemist check on the potion, but in the meantime he wants me to take out the four captains who organized the uprising. With them gone, they shouldn't be able to keep distributing the stuff to the rest of the men. As I'm heading to my umpteenth cave assassination, the cook stops me. He asks if I can take his crockpot to be fixed at a hunting camp down the road? Dude I'm on the way to murder four men and you're talking about appliances? How about you walk the 100 yards down to the camp yourself, you fat bastard? He says he'd be willing to pay me and the thing is under warranty. I tell him I'll think about it when I get back.

The cave is like any other cave except longer and more annoying. I got lost like four times, but managed to kill all the captains. I remember back in the day when killing one guy used to get me going. Now I'm slaughtering whole caves without batting an eyelash. Not sure how I feel about that. Part of me thinks it's badass. Another part of me thinks it's really badass. It's very conflicting being this awesome. I'll have to reflect on it when I sleep on my large pile of blood money with whatever chick was willing to drunkenly lower her standards that night.

Back to the camp with a few more bottles of that blue shit for research. The leader thanks me, but tells me it's not needed. They figured out that it's basilisk blood, and it's a mind control agent. I ask if he's sure. He says 95%. I figure I'll run my own test to be sure, so I give it to one of the recruits. He drinks it and I tell him to jump in the river. He does. I tell him to drop his pants. He does. Maybe it is a mind control agent. I tell him to go take a dump in the cook's crockpot. He does. That'll probably void the warranty. In any case, Kurzen's group is finished.

Now there's a gnome researcher who wants me to find some troll artifacts for him. I'll speed this part up because quests for gnomes are always long, stupid, and a total disaster. I find all the artifacts, manage to attract a small raptor pet to myself in the process, find the body of an ancient troll warleader, and the gnome raises one of the worst Bloodlords in the history of time from the dead. Not exactly what I'd call a high moment in my career. And, to top it all off, the fucker stole my raptor! I mean I didn't like the stupid raptor, but it's the principle. I'm not gonna lie down for some undead troll bastard. So I do the only rational thing I can think of. I go to an unlicensed witch-doctor so I can mind-meld with my mini-raptor to escape the trolls. What? Dude, that's totally logical, try and keep up.

The whole escape thing looks good on paper, but when you're controlling a mini-raptor with your mind you need to remember a few things. One, don't think about how ridiculous it is. Two, nets are bad. And three, trolls will always trip over a skull when it's left on a bridge and fall into the river. No, it doesn't matter that it's right there in the open. I did it like ten times in a row, and each time I'm thinking, "Surely THIS time they won't fall for it." Damned if they didn't. Just give me ten thousand skulls and a bridge, and I could solve this whole troll problem in a matter of days. But I digress.

In the end I got busted by a shadow troll who was waiting there the whole time. Totally screwed. So, I'm out a raptor, and I'm pissed off at the trolls. On the way back to the rebel camp I see a bunch of hunters in a big clearing. I ask the lead dwarf what's going on. He says it's a hunting contest. He wants me to kill ten of the small animals, then ten of the big animals, then ten of the really big animals, then the king of the animals. If I do all that, he'll reward me with a belt. So, I rewarded him with a kick in his crackerjacks. Fuck the jungle. I'm going back to Stormwind to find some real work.

[pants]

I ask the lead dwarf what's going on. He says it's a hunting contest. He wants me to kill ten of the small animals, then ten of the big animals, then ten of the really big animals, then the king of the animals. If I do all that, he'll reward me with a belt. So, I rewarded him with a kick in his crackerjacks.

Best description of Hemingwary quests ever.

[WindupAtheist]

Fuck the jungle. I'm going back to Stormwind to find some real work.

I haven't done any of the new zones, but STV sounds like more of the same, basically.

[Paelos]

There are some shakeups. The raptor questline is sort of interesting, but it still is a B-story to you running around slaughtering animals. The Kurzen thing is fine until you get into that cave. That quest alone takes at least 15 minutes, and you feel like you're doing a mini-dungeon with all the trash wandering around.

Mind controlling the raptor escape was a nice touch, but I got really pissed the first time because I dashed by the shadow troll to escape at the end, and got caught by invisible trolls at the door. It was then, after cursing at the computer for 5 minutes that I had to do the bridge part AGAIN, that I realized you were supposed to get caught, making the whole thing seem pointless.