I'd Like to Thank Uwe Boll...

[stray]

For convincing me that I should never stop believing in myself.

I'm kind of an amateur actor/filmmaker, you see..Among other things (i.e. starving artist). I've done some work, but somewhere along the line, I stopped putting any effort into it, and quit before I even got started. I haven't tried looking for work in years. About the only creative thing I do these days is write or strum the guitar...alone. I took the safe route, and settled with something that merely pays the bills (still music/sound related..but still, it's not the same thing).

Boll has convinced me that anything is possible -- whether you suck or not. Not only does he make bad films, he makes expensive, well publicized, bad films. How does he do it?

I've gotta find out.

Alone in the Dark: 2% (Who would have thought?!)

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/alone_in_the_dark/

"The three stars have seen better days, but I'd like to think they could still do something classier and more dignified than this. Like gay porn."

"Saying Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV."

"Too stupid to watch, too loud to nap through, Alone in the Dark shows just how tenuous Plan Nine From Outer Space's hold on that 'worst movie ever' title really is."

[Margalis]

"So Edward turns for help to his ex-girlfriend, Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid), who may be able to decipher some artifacts and clues."

It could be good as a comedy. It's hard to imagine Tara Reid deciphering the drying instructions on a sweater, let alone artifacts and "clues." (It's Mr. Mustard in the library with the lead pipe!)

You do wonder how people like Uwe somehow get and apparently keep jobs. (At least for a little while)

[Murgos]

You do wonder how people like Uwe somehow get and apparently keep jobs. (At least for a little while)

It simple.  Movie costs X, if X is greater what the movie earns then Uwe losses job else if X is less than what the movie earns Uwe gets to make another movie.

Owning a chunk of a profitable movie can make an investor A HUGE return on investment.  Directors who show that they can turn a profit tend to get to keep making movies no matter how much the movie sucked.

[UnSub]

Ahh, Uwe Boll - it'll take years for computer game-related movies to get over the stench he's attaching to them. Let's see how badly he can screw up Bloodrayne...

[stray]

Ooh, it dropped down to 1% now. I'm not sure if that's happened before. Usually by this time, a bad film gets a few extra pity votes.

Uwe Boll makes Paul W.S. Anderson look like Martin Scorsese. This must just be some crazy nutcase who bought the rights to a bunch of properties and has the resources to make what he thinks are movies.

He actually has an entire group of adults call out to a lost comrade, “Marco!” What does he expect the audience to do when they hear that? I mean, come on. Even the press at a screening couldn’t resist responding.

[HaemishM]

I think Uwe Boll's cinematic genius has been a frequent topic of discussion.

If we're lucky, Alone in the Dark will tank so bad no one will think it's a good idea to make a movie based off a video game again. Not that this movie should be thought to be based off a video game, since it bears NO FUCKING RESEMBLANCE to any of the games in the series.

[schild]

Tank so badly you say? Movie ran approximately $25 million in filming and advertising (tara reid's new ta-tas are expensive) and it grossed $2.5M over the weekend. Uwe Boll will hopefully be out of a job soon.

[stray]

Uwe Boll will hopefully be out of a job soon.

Not before this is released.

I give you...BloodRayne (Click it. You know you want to).

Y'know...I'm going to have to lay a lot of fault to the actors themselves. I don't expect much from Tara Reid, and Michael Madsen (much like Eric Roberts and Chris Walken) are great actors who'll work any job for a price, but I think the other actors are the under the impression that these films are the "cool" thing to do. For them to do this shows just how out of touch they are.

[Kenrick]

I give you...BloodRayne .

wtf kingsly why?
:(

[HaemishM]

Fuck Ben Kingsley, did Michael Madsen REALLY need to prostrate himself before the shit god of cinema that badly? Is he that broke?

Oh wait, he's doing Tilt. I guess the truth points to itself.

[stray]

Fuck Ben Kingsley, did Michael Madsen REALLY need to prostrate himself before the shit god of cinema that badly? Is he that broke?

He's definitely not broke. He's probably in just as good a shape as some A-list actors by virtue of how many jobs he takes on. He's the type of actor who places more importance on a steady income than he does making great art. And if he does so happen to get offered a good script, it's just icing on the cake. The actors who are broke are the ones who either suck, or haven't come to grips with that.

I'm not sure the same could be said for Kingsley though. He's an Academy award winner: He has the luxury of having a real say in the matter. He doesn't need to do crap...Which is why doing something like this is so baffling. It's not just crap. It's crap on the lowest level possible.

My only guess is that someone told him Bloodrayne was "cool", or that this was action-packed blockbuster material. "It's gonna be a hit, I tell you!"

Sorry, Ben. Not likely.

[Rasix]

.

I give you...BloodRayne (Click it. You know you want to).

Wow..... umm.. wow.  That looks REALLY bad.  Fucking hell, that looks bad for a movie made by USA or even Spike TV.

[Bunk]

I shall once again link to the comic that sums up my feelings towards Mr. Boll:

http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp01172005.shtml

[Lum]

Uwe Boll brings light to my existence - there is, without a doubt, one Hollywood screenwriter/director whom I would be better than.

While drunk.

Strung out on heroin.

Looking for crack.

And quite possibly, in a coma.

BTW Rotten Tomatoes score is now 0%. I'm certain this is the worst rating they've ever indexed.

[Big Gulp]

Wow..... umm.. wow.  That looks REALLY bad.  Fucking hell, that looks bad for a movie made by USA or even Spike TV.

I loved the voiceover guy.  "She LUSTS!  She FEEDS!"  She slices!  She dices!

And what the hell happened to the hot chick in T3?  Does Uwe Boll also have the magical power to make beautiful women look like dogshit?  What can't that wily kraut do!?!

[schild]

Ya know, I bet the people at G4 and TechTV could make shittier movies. I just saw some of their game reviews on On-Demand Comcast, and they were goddamn terrible. They're hurting America.

[WayAbvPar]

Ya know, I bet the people at G4 and TechTV could make shittier movies. I just saw some of their game reviews on On-Demand Comcast, and they were goddamn terrible. They're hurting America.

As long as Morgan Webb is prominently involved, I might take a gander at it.

[Big Gulp]

As long as Morgan Webb is prominently involved, I might take a gander at it.

And you sir have well and truly earned your geek card.

I don't understand the attraction for the life of me.  Square jawed, saggy tits, and a frame that screams "fat chick!" just waiting to bust out?  Sorry, I don't see it.

ETA:  Not saying that she's Quasimodo, just don't see how she's the object of so much lust out there.  As far as icons of feminine beauty go, she wouldn't even be on my list.

[WayAbvPar]

She has the biggest breasts I have ever seen on a gamer. At least a female gamer = /


Obviously there are plenty of hawter chicks running around, but I like her overall package (cute, nice body, sarcastic, into games).

[Big Gulp]

She has the biggest breasts I have ever seen on a gamer.

I think Lum had her beat for a while.

Oh, snap!

Just kidding, big fella.  You know I love ya.

[Trippy]

Uwe Boll will hopefully be out of a job soon.

Not before this is released.

I give you...BloodRayne (Click it. You know you want to).

Not to mention he's signed up to direct Hunter:The Reckoning, Far Cry, and now Counter-Strike.

Edit: Okay so the Counter-Strike thing is just one of those wild Internet rumors, but he's still signed up to do the other two movies.

[HaemishM]

I never got the Morgan Webb thing either. I always thought that Kat chick on Screen Savers (and I do NOT mean cat as in the animal goddamnit - the chick who had the pics of her smoking ganga while topless) was better looking, though they both suck at broadcasting. Both seem to be trying entirely too fucking hard to be "edgy/hip" to be believed. Hell, I thought the web chick they used to have on there (the one who got pregnant and left the show) was better looking, and more believable.

I thought X-Play was a much better show when it was just Adam being goofy, instead of trying to play goofy with the forced delivery of Morgan Webb.

And yes, Lum, you could make a better movie of your bowel movements with the above-mentioned conditions than Uwe Boll could when channeling the ghost of Stanley Kubrick.

[schild]

UweBoll.com

[HaemishM]

Oh please tell me he has a message board to poop on.

[Train Wreck]

Oh please tell me he has a message board to poop on.

Would the goal be to see who can get Stalinized the hardest and fastest?

[schild]

The goal would be to get him to kill himself. Or at the very least stop making movies. That asshole is hurting the world with each release.

[Furiously]

I REALLY liked that website..