Emails from an Asshole

[voodoolily]

I thought voodoolilly was joking with the welcome to the internet meme. If not, well... Some people think one way about others and some don't. I'm happy with my way and I'm sure the other way is at least amusing.

I was joking (kind of) - I've used that phrase before (Bunk has it as one of his sigs). But I still think that your pleas for compassion are falling on deaf ears here.

[Cyrrex]

I think there's very little misfortune here for the victims in question, so I'll laugh at it heartily.  That isn't to say I am above finding the funny in someone's genuine misfortune (there is often plenty of humor to be found there)...that doesn't mean I don't also feel for them.

[Endie]

That's cool lily I was more kinda surprised because I know at least one genuinely lovely thing you did irl.

[voodoolily]

That's cool lily I was more kinda surprised because I know at least one genuinely lovely thing you did irl.

You just keep your mouth shut about that, Endie.

[Endie]

I am defined by discretion.

[naum]

Eh, being a jerk on Craigslist is not the most egregious injustice that can be imposed on those soliciting commerce on the interwebs. Like stated, the guy could exercise a little more twistedness and really exploit…

However, I think what these guys are doing is totally immoral and reprehensible even if they defend their shenanigans by declaring the victims to be unsympathetic scammers unworthy of respect. Pilfering money is one thing but sending people on cross-country goose chase, and instructing them in a manner that will cause them physical harm along with tugging at their emotional strings by telling them family members have died, etc.…

A great piece on it was done by Ira Glass @ This American Life — not much text but it's a fascinating 30 minute listen…

[Draegan]

PARROT WANTED
I am looking for a parrot for my two children. I used to have a parrot and loved her and would love to see my kids have one. Really any kind of parrot will do. I have a vet that can check it out - please email me if you have a parrot you don't want!

Thanks!
From Me to **************@*********.org

Hi there!

I have an African Grey parrot that my wife and I do not want anymore. It would be great for your kids! Let me know if you want him.

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Mike - tell me about your parrot! How old is he? Do you have any pictures of him? Why do you want to get rid of him?

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra,

My parrot is 2 years old. I don't have any pictures, but he looks like a typical parrot.

We are getting rid of him because my wife does not like him. My wife and I argue a lot, and the parrot seems to have picked up some of the things I have said and just shouts them at my wife when she walks by. I think the final straw was when the parrot called her a "stupid fat twat." She takes it personally, even though I tell her that she shouldn't be self-conscious just because a parrot thinks she is fat. Now I will admit that I trained it to say "nice cellulite, bitch" whenever my wife walks by, but the parrot pretty much just curses at everyone now. Whenever I walk in the door, it calls me a "cocksucking grundle licker." It kind of gets annoying when it is the first thing I hear after working all day.

Also, I let my friend watch the parrot for a week when I was on vacation, and ever since then, the parrot sings "The Final Countdown" by Europe every night at 4 in the morning. It often wakes me up and I am tired of it. I don't even like that song.

The parrot also has an issue with defecating in its cage. It will wait until I let it out, and then immediately fly over to the kitchen and shit on my food. If I don't let him out, he starts yelling "I have to shit!" until I let him out. It can go on for hours.

My wife pretty much told me either the parrot goes, or she will leave me. So I have no choice but to get rid of him. His name is Sam. I think he will be great for your kids, as long as they aren't fat and won't take the insults he yells at them personally.

I can set up a time for you to come check him out this week if you want. What day works for you?

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Mike, I don't think that parrot would be appropriate for my kids - they are only five and seven years old.

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra,

I think he would be great for your kids. I didn't mean to scare you off with the bad description of the parrot. He really is a nice parrot. There is a way to prevent him from shouting obscenities. I found that if I soak his food in drain cleaner and then give it to him, it burns up his throat and he doesn't talk for a few days. I can include a bottle of Draino and a few bags of bird food with him, if you want.

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Are you serious? That can kill him!! He sounds like he was a nice parrot but you have no idea how to take care of him! Give him to the SPCA!

From Me to Sandra ***********

Excuse me? I know how to take care of a parrot. It sounds like you don't know how to take care of your kids if you are always turning down free, lovable pets for them. THAT can kill their spirits. Why even put an ad up if you aren't willing to be reasonable? Sorry this parrot isn't perfect. You can't expect people to give you Toucan fucking Sam for free.

I can't take him to the SPCA. They told me never to come back after I tried to give them a bunch of rats that my rat trap caught but didn't kill.

If you don't take my parrot, I'm afraid my only option is to release him into my backyard, and then shoot him with my shotgun for sport.

From Sandra ********* to Me

You are a f*cking lunatic.

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra please take my parrot. I just checked and I don't have any more birdshot shells for my gun. Please don't make me have to drive all the way to Delaware to get more.

[Draegan]

One more...

The following post is a set of e-mails from me actually trying to sell my TV. I guess I was asking too much for it.
Original ad:
PLASMA HDTV - $850
I'm selling my 42" 720p Samsung Plasma TV (PN42A410). I bought it a year ago and there is nothing wrong with it. I just want to get a bigger TV with more P's.
From ************@yahoo.com to Me

hey will you take $700 for it

From Me to ************@yahoo.com

You are asking me to drop the price by $150. I am willing to do this if you let me shoot you in the groin with my paintball gun 20 times in a row. You can't wear a cup. I get to set the velocity to 450 FPS.

From ************@yahoo.com to Me

seriously?

From Me to ************@yahoo.com

Yes. 20 shots and its yours.

From ************@yahoo.com to Me

uhh no. hows $750 sound

From Me to ************@yahoo.com

Do you have a girlfriend? If you do, and she is hot (I'll need pics), and she blows me, you can have the TV for $750. You can't watch either.

From ************@yahoo.com to Me

fuck off dude

From Me to ************@yahoo.com

Tell you what, I'll sell it to you for $900 and you won't have to do any of that stuff.

From ************@yahoo.com to Me

wtf your ad said $850

From Me to ************@yahoo.com

I added $50 for you trying to haggle me. I'll remove this $50 haggling fee if you let me break an empty vodka bottle over your head.

From ************@yahoo.com to Me

fuck off

From **************@comcast.net to Me

A TV like that goes for $699 brand new at Best Buy. I'll give you $400 for it?

From Me to **************@comcast.net

For $400, I will cut the TV in half with a sawzall and give you half of it. Which half would you like? The left half has all of the HDMI inputs, and the right half has the power/channel/input buttons.

From **************@comcast.net to Me

I guess I'm going to Best Buy...

From Me to **************@comcast.net

WAIT! Before you go to Best Buy, consider my new offer:

I'll sell you the TV for my new low price of $800. Also, I was planning on leaving it on a paused frame of gay porn all weekend so it would be burned into the screen, but I won't do this if you accept my offer within the next 10 minutes.


From cory ***** to Me

ill give you $600 cash for your tv

From Me to cory *****

Sounds good! When can you come get it?

From cory ***** to Me

where do you live?

From Me to cory *****

**** *******

From cory ***** to Me

well ya i know that but like whats your address

From Me to cory *****

I'm not telling you that. Sorry, but I just don't trust people from the internet.

From cory ***** to Me

well do you want to deliver it to my place?

From Me to cory *****

And get kidnapped? I don't think so.

Here's how it is going down: We'll meet Sunday afternoon in a crowded part of town. Lets say High St, by the courthouse. I'll be walking towards Market St and you'll be walking away from it at precisely 1:00 (when the courthouse clock goes off.) Have a black suitcase ready with $600 in unmarked, non-sequential US twenty-dollar bills. I'll have a suitcase as well, and be wearing a black suit. Tell me what you plan on wearing. We will accidentally bump into each other, drop our suitcases, and pick up the other person's suitcase and continue walking. The suitcase you pick up will have a key inside it to a 1998 Ford Econoline that will be parked on Miner Street. Use the key to open the back of the van, which will have the TV inside of it. Take the TV, and leave the key in the van. You will be watched so don't try anything funny. If the suitcase does not have $600 in it, the van will be destroyed.

Does this work for you?

From cory ***** to Me

no wtf

From Me to cory *****

why not?

[voodoolily]

I bought a crib from a chick on craigslist and she insisted that I meet her at a grocery store parking lot. I think she was all scared after that pregnant lady got murdered by some crazy bitch on craigslist who was tryna sell baby clothes.

[Nerf]

If it was something substantially less than $650, I'd totally do the whole briefcase swap just to see if he went through with it.  Thats a pretty epic way to buy a TV.

[Hindenburg]

Except that you're giving him the money first.

[Nerf]

If it was something substantially less than $650

[Samwise]

Except that you're giving him the money first.

[lamaros]

If it was something substantially less than $650.

[Draegan]

Except that you're giving him the money first.

[schild]

Oh, oh, more more.

Someone quote it again.

It'll get funny this time.

[Samwise]

Oh, oh, more more.

[Furiously]

it.

[Nerf]

it.

's so easy to join!

[Tebonas]

You people kill hornets? Wasps I get, they are aggressive buggers. But killing hornets must just be for the fun of it. I'm always glad when I have a hornets nest nearby. They kill off the real nuisances, there are quite mellow for insects, and their poison is less potent than that of a bee if you happen to corner them and make them afraid. Go kill wasps instead! One stung me last week right under my armpit just for standing around and talking. Fuckers!

[chargerrich]

OYG that is hilarious! Love the parrot one in particular!

Thanks for posting these, I do not dare go to the site at work 

Keep em coming!

[voodoolily]

You people kill hornets? Wasps I get, they are aggressive buggers. But killing hornets must just be for the fun of it. I'm always glad when I have a hornets nest nearby. They kill off the real nuisances, there are quite mellow for insects, and their poison is less potent than that of a bee if you happen to corner them and make them afraid. Go kill wasps instead! One stung me last week right under my armpit just for standing around and talking. Fuckers!

I'm not sure you know what you're talking about. Hornets/yellow jackets are aggressive scavengers and sting for no reason. Wasps are pollinating insects that lay their eggs inside pest insects, and they keep to themselves.

[Tebonas]

Oh, it seems we are really talking about different animals. Then for clarification:

When I say Hornet I mean the European hornet (Vespa Crabro). Cute as a Kitty. They even back down and flee if possible (except when defending their nest).

Yellow jackets (Vespula Germanica or Vulgaris), are the vicious bastards I talk about when I say Wasps.

I guess you are talking about the Bald-faced hornet (Dolichovespula maculata), which really sounds like a piece of work as well. It technically is a Wasp, but called a Hornet in the US (that I was not aware of, sorry for that).

Hell, there even is a European subspecies of the Bald-faces hornet, the Dolichovespula media. Seems it is a nasty animal as well.

The more I read about it, the more I wonder whats wrong with the Crabos. Hippy Pinko European Socialist hornets. I guess all that healthcare pampered them 

[Sky]

I found two hornet nests in my neighbor's house just talking to him at the fence. He swore at the amount of bees and I said "well, there's a lot of activity through your foundation block". Then I saw the massive activity from his eaves, there was a half-inch hole where two boards didn't meet up and it was literally swarming with them. He didn't even know they were there.

[voodoolily]

I guess you are talking about the Bald-faced hornet (Dolichovespula maculata), which really sounds like a piece of work as well. It technically is a Wasp, but called a Hornet in the US (that I was not aware of, sorry for that).

Bald-faced hornets are pretty scary, mostly on account of the fact that they're huge and nest close to the ground (I've come *thisclose* to accidentally punting one whilst walking through tall grass - their nest looks like a big, gray medicine ball). When I say "wasp" I mean any of the various paper wasps, which are what we commonly get in this part of North America. They're still Vespids, but of different genera (Polistes).

In South America, the fig trees that comprise the rainforests are completely dependent on wasps for pollination.

[NowhereMan]

Yeah, wasp anywhere in Europe means a yellow jacket. That's one Americanism I was not aware of, I'd heard the term yellow jacket but always assumed it was some sort of hornet thing since it got differentiated from wasps. Also it's now getting nearer that wonderful time of year when wasps get kicked out of their nests and become pointlessly aggressive.

[Cyrrex]

Not "pointlessly" aggressive.  They got you scared, don't they?

[NowhereMan]

Great, they manage to turn people who would otherwise ignore them into people hell bent on their destruction. Other animals pissing off human beings is like spitting in the jocks' food in High school, they'll be stunned enough for a minut but then they're probably going to try and beat the shit out of you.

[tazelbain]

Ya, what a bunch of dumbasses....

WTF.  You have issues.

[voodoolily]

Yeah, wasp anywhere in Europe means a yellow jacket. That's one Americanism I was not aware of, I'd heard the term yellow jacket but always assumed it was some sort of hornet thing since it got differentiated from wasps. Also it's now getting nearer that wonderful time of year when wasps get kicked out of their nests and become pointlessly aggressive.

The yellow jackets (hornets) do just sting out of spite this time of year, since the winter kills them they have nothing to lose. Makes mushroom picking more interesting.

[Hawkbit]

Anyone mess with mud daub wasps before?  I had a mud/clay nest outside of my front door a few years ago and managed to kill the offending wasps involved.  When I knocked down the nest, it broke open on the ground and out came a bunch of stuff. 

The nest contained larvae of the wasps, little wiggling worms.  It also dumped out hundreds of little things that on closer inspection, I found to be paralyzed spiders.  Yes, you read that right.  The wasp bites the spiders with a paralyzing agent and carries them off to the nest where the spiders stay enclosed for days, maybe weeks until the larvae hatch to eat.  Scary thread material here folks.

Super duper derail, btw.  Glad to be a part.

[Endie]

Anyone mess with mud daub wasps before?  I had a mud/clay nest outside of my front door a few years ago and managed to kill the offending wasps involved.  When I knocked down the nest, it broke open on the ground and out came a bunch of stuff. 

The nest contained larvae of the wasps, little wiggling worms.  It also dumped out hundreds of little things that on closer inspection, I found to be paralyzed spiders.  Yes, you read that right.  The wasp bites the spiders with a paralyzing agent and carries them off to the nest where the spiders stay enclosed for days, maybe weeks until the larvae hatch to eat.  Scary thread material here folks.

Super duper derail, btw.  Glad to be a part.

Spiders do that to others.  That's some Dante-esque punishment-fits-the-crime shit right there.

[Torinak]

I guess you are talking about the Bald-faced hornet (Dolichovespula maculata), which really sounds like a piece of work as well. It technically is a Wasp, but called a Hornet in the US (that I was not aware of, sorry for that).

Bald-faced hornets are pretty scary, mostly on account of the fact that they're huge and nest close to the ground (I've come *thisclose* to accidentally punting one whilst walking through tall grass - their nest looks like a big, gray medicine ball). When I say "wasp" I mean any of the various paper wasps, which are what we commonly get in this part of North America. They're still Vespids, but of different genera (Polistes).

In South America, the fig trees that comprise the rainforests are completely dependent on wasps for pollination.

Whoa, these guys gals are pretty scary?  We've got a few nests of them around our yard, and I can walk right up to them without them even going on alert. I crashed a lawn mower into a bush with 2 nests in it, and they only came out and started bouncing off of me as a warning.

Yeah, we'll remove the nests once they freeze this winter, and will probably try to keep them from returning (at least too close to the house), but they haven't been a problem so far, with two volleyball-sized nests in a bush a bit outside our front door, and a beachball-sized nest (!) on our shed.

[01101010]

Whoa, these guys gals are pretty scary?  We've got a few nests of them around our yard, and I can walk right up to them without them even going on alert. I crashed a lawn mower into a bush with 2 nests in it, and they only came out and started bouncing off of me as a warning.

Yeah, we'll remove the nests once they freeze this winter, and will probably try to keep them from returning (at least too close to the house), but they haven't been a problem so far, with two volleyball-sized nests in a bush a bit outside our front door, and a beachball-sized nest (!) on our shed.

See.... no. No way, no sir. Insects equipped with not only flight but small sharp melee weapons? fuck that... they are getting the gas face.

[voodoolily]

Whoa, these guys gals are pretty scary?  We've got a few nests of them around our yard, and I can walk right up to them without them even going on alert. I crashed a lawn mower into a bush with 2 nests in it, and they only came out and started bouncing off of me as a warning.

Yeah, we'll remove the nests once they freeze this winter, and will probably try to keep them from returning (at least too close to the house), but they haven't been a problem so far, with two volleyball-sized nests in a bush a bit outside our front door, and a beachball-sized nest (!) on our shed.

I would hazard that the fumes from the lawnmower must've calmed them a bit. Though their sting only gets a rating of 2.0 on the Schmidt Sting Pain Index.