Emails from an Asshole

[Draegan]

Emails from an Asshole

This guy basically answers want ads and strings the people along.

I laughed at this one.

Original ad:
I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!
From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
Hey,

I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.

I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one.

You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them.

I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.

[K9]

Good find  

Edit: Read a few more, there some great stuff here, thanks for the laughs.

[dusematic]

I laughed my ass off.  Good one.

[Draegan]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=18

[Ookii]

My favorite:

Original ad:
if anyone wants a ride from baltimore to nyc tomorow let me know! i am driving up there sometime tomorow afternoon and would be glad to help someone out if they want to throw up some money for gas. i drive a hybrid, so i wont need much!
From Mike Partlow to *************@*********.org

Hello,

I do need a ride to New York tomorrow. That would be great. My only concern is the fact that you drive a hybrid car. I don't want to give people the idea that I care about the environment. Do you have another, more manly car that we could ride up in? I really don't want to be seen in a hybrid. I'll gladly compensate you for gas.

Mike

From christine ********* to Me

no all i have is my hybrid. what is the big deal, who cares what people think? u should be glad to help the enviroment!

From Mike Partlow to christine **********

I'm sorry Christine but it isn't the 60's anymore. People aren't a bunch of earth-saving hippies that run around and hug trees anymore. Does your car have tinted windows? I really don't want to be seen riding in that bitch-mobile. My only request is that you stop by a lake somewhere so I can dump a can of motor oil in it, to make up for all of the earth that your car will be saving. Don't worry, I'll pay for the motor oil.

Mike

From christine ********* to Me

wtf is wrong with u! im not giving u a ride ur a jerk!!!

From Mike Partlow to christine **********

Well I am sorry you won't have the privilege of riding with me. Fortunately for me, I found a better, more badass ride to NYC. I'll be sure to wave at your crappy little hybrid as we pass you in our F-350, spraying cans of aerosol out the window and throwing empty six-pack holders into the sea.

Mike

[Ozzu]

 

Hummer Rideshare
Posted at: 2009-06-09 18:55:11
Original ad:
looking for a ride from wilmington to manhattan next wednesday, any time during the day is good. I will pay for all of your gas as compensation.
From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org

Hello,

I am driving to NYC for a business meeting around 10 AM on Wednesday and would be able to give you a ride. Let me know if you still need one.

Mike

From Chris ******* to Me

mike, that sounds great. where do you want to meet to pick me up? i can meet you anywhere in wilmington. also, how much do you want for gas?

chris

Mike Anderson to Chris *******

Chris,

I shouldn't need too much money for gas. I drive a Hummer H2 with a swapped motor, so gas really isn't a problem. It gets about 4 MPG highway and only takes premium, so I'd say about $100 should cover it.

Mike

From Chris ******* to Me

what do you mean gas isnt a problem? 4 mpg is ridiculous. I was expecting to pay like 20 or 30 bucks tops! sorry but I'll have to pass

Mike Anderson to Chris ********

If you only want to pay 30 bucks, that can get you as far as Exit 7 on the Jersey Turnpike. I can drop you off there, and you can hitchhike the rest of the way. I'm pretty sure hitchhiking is still legal in NJ so it shouldn't be a problem for you. I can pick you up on Naaman's Road in Wilmington by the Target shopping center around 9:30.

From Chris ******* to Me

are you serious? no I dont want to be dropped off in the middle of the turnpike. forget it

Mike Anderson to Chris ********

Okay, I can give you a ride to Manhattan for $30, but in return, we need to stop at this guy's house in New Brunswick to get some money that he owes me. He's been dodging my calls, so he probably won't be too willing to give the money when we show up at his house. I need you to stand there and look intimidating so he realizes we mean business. How big are you? You should be at least 5'11 and 200 lbs. You can bring a big friend if you are scrawny, but you should ask him to throw up some gas money too.

From Chris ******* to Me

what the fuck is wrong with you? you sound like a drug dealer. i dont want to ride to manhattan with you

Mike Anderson to Chris ********

Chris, I'm sorry that you have turned down my ride. I think you should change your ad on ********** to avoid any further confusion. I re-wrote it for you so all you have to do is click "edit" and then paste this where the original ad is:

"scrawny man, not capable of intimidating people, looking for a ride from wilmington to new york. not willing to be reasonable in compensation for gas. will most likely complain about stupid stuff the whole ride up"

From Chris ******* to Me

fuck off asshole

[NiX]

I printed a bunch off to read on the train ride home. I had to control my laughter for most of the ride.

[Oban]

Thank you for the awesome find, I needed a good laugh today.

[Segoris]

That website is fucking gold. Thanks for this.

[schild]

More like emails from a hero.

[Cyrrex]

That shit is hysterical.

[Draegan]

I missed this one last time:

The Plumber That Can't
Posted at: 2009-07-21 09:40:44 | 75 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
I NEED CASH! I am a handyman and can do all kinds of work. I do plumbing, dry wall, electric, general construction, and any other job you need done! Email or call
From Dan Gibson to *************@********.org
Hello,

Your handyman skills are needed. I have a problem I was hoping you would be able to help me with. Last night, when I was throwing up, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet and flushed it. It is a small phone, so I am pretty sure it made its way to my septic tank in the backyard. I need to get this phone back. It has an irreplaceable picture of my friend Tim hooking up with a fat chick, and I need this picture so I can taunt him with it for the rest of his life.

I will hire you to sift through my septic tank to find the phone. It is a 1250 gallon septic tank, and has not been drained in a while. On the plus side, I will let you keep anything you find that is not my phone. There is probably a ton of spare change that was accidentally flushed, and maybe some other treasures. The pay for this job could potentially be huge.

Please let me know when you can help. I am free all week. Just contact me via e-mail, because my phone obviously is in a world of shit (no pun intended)

Thanks,

Dan

From ivan ******* to Me

you must be out of your fucking mind.

From Dan Gibson to ivan *******

So is that a yes? Your handyman ad said that you did plumbing.

Dan

From ivan ******* to Me

yeah but did it say that i swim through tanks of fucking shit? no.

you couldnt pay me a thousand dollars to do that.

From Dan Gibson to ivan *******

Well I just thought that was implied with "I do plumbing." I didn't realize it meant that you didn't take jobs that you are too scared to do.

I just remembered, a while ago, my ex-wife's engagement ring was accidentally flushed when I was nailing her on the toilet. If you find it, it is yours. It is only a cubic zirconia (fooled her, ha ha!), but it is still probably worth about $50.

I also just flushed some air fresheners down the toilet, to freshen up the septic tank for you.

Are you going to help me now or what?

From ivan ******* to Me

Wow You sound like a real classy guy. you dont need a handyman what you need is a fucking septic tank expert with a death wish. fuck off.

From Dan Gibson to ivan *******

Nah, I think I just need a REAL handyman, not some pussy who says he does plumbing but then backs out when he finds out that the job is too hard. It isn't even a hard job, so I don't know what your problem is. Hell, my 10-year-old son could do this. In fact, he has done this before. I'd ask him to do it again but the ex took my kids and moved to Arizona.

Will you hurry up and do the job? The phone is still ringing when I call it from the house, but the battery life will not last that long. I think I can even hear it when I stand outside over my septic tank. Tell you what, while you are sifting through it, I'll flush down some soap to clean the tank a little bit.

From ivan ******* to Me
gee i wonder why your wife took your kids...FUCK OFF. you are a fucking retard!!

[voodoolily]

Our contractor/handyman is a dude named Dan. I sent the "Special" Wife to some mutual friends for lulz.

[Tale]

Yawn. Another fake site, written for the clicks.

[Cyrrex]

I'd actually wager these are real, but who knows.

[schild]

Yawn. Another fake site, written for the clicks.

If it's fake, he's one of the best writers on the internet.

Also, he would suffer from multiple personality disorder in a way unimaginable.

[Trippy]

Doesn't have to be just one person. He could have friends writing the other parts.

[schild]

No one that funny keeps funny friends around. He's alpha-funny. He wouldn't dilute himself.

Also, Craigslist is solid freaking gold for shit like this.

[Paelos]

Who cares if it's real? It's hilarious.

Hell, 95% of jokes a comic told you never actually happened. Laugh and don't give a shit.

[Endie]

They're very funny.  I agree with Tale that they're fake as hell (he chooses a character for the interlocutors well enough but tends to respond too fully) but realistic responses just wouldn't be as funny, so that's cool.

Besides, I've seen a lot of shops in my time and you can tell from the pixels.

[voodoolily]

I'd hazard that he responds to so many of these that he has a few replies to choose from. I mean, how many "I need a summer job" or "handyman for hire" want ads do you think are out there? Hundreds? He could send the same response to all of them and just sift through the ones that actually bite.

[Broughden]

Maybe we should test this and email people on Craigslist. See if any funny responses ensue.

[Endie]

Maybe we should test this and email people on Craigslist. See if any funny responses ensue.

The people you are emailing are real people.  Text communication does not mean that they lack emotions.

I'd just picture the person proudly shouting to his wife downstairs "honey, I got an offer!" and her all hopeful and relieved that maybe their kid will get new clothes.  Then him working it out and having to tell her that it was some dickhead lying to him to make strangers laugh at him.  I suppose that's the unfortunate side-effect of giving a shit about people.

[lamaros]

So you can only laugh at the website ones as long as you think they're fake?

[Endie]

So you can only laugh at the website ones as long as you think they're fake?

Yes.

To clarify: I wouldn't find it enjoyable to watch many movies if they were real, either.  That's fiction for you.

[Tale]

Yawn. Another fake site, written for the clicks.

If it's fake, he's one of the best writers on the internet.

Also, he would suffer from multiple personality disorder in a way unimaginable.

I'm sceptical about these sites by default. To me, they are poorly written - similar patterns appear over and over in responses.

Multiply this by a million message boards, emails, IMs, and it's payday. Coming soon: where in the US is your Craigslist victim's accent from?

[voodoolily]

Maybe we should test this and email people on Craigslist. See if any funny responses ensue.

The people you are emailing are real people.  Text communication does not mean that they lack emotions.

I'd just picture the person proudly shouting to his wife downstairs "honey, I got an offer!" and her all hopeful and relieved that maybe their kid will get new clothes.  Then him working it out and having to tell her that it was some dickhead lying to him to make strangers laugh at him.  I suppose that's the unfortunate side-effect of giving a shit about people.

Welcome to the internet, pussy.

[Samwise]

I'd just picture the person proudly shouting to his wife downstairs "honey, I got an offer!" and her all hopeful and relieved that maybe their kid will get new clothes.  Then him working it out and having to tell her that it was some dickhead lying to him to make strangers laugh at him.  I suppose that's the unfortunate side-effect of giving a shit about people.

From Me to *************@*********.org

Hey,

I saw your ad and will be able to help you out. The best thing to do for dry wall holes is to tape over the entire hole with strips of duct tape, and then paint over the duct tape. If you have wallpaper, I could just put wallpaper over the hole. That would be even easier. After the repair, nobody should lean up on the wall or it will probably tear again. I suggest hanging a picture over the hole. I have some old framed pictures of Bon Jovi that I could bring and install over the hole.

I am available all week, and my rate is $25/hr. When can I stop by?

-Dan

If I got an email like that in response to a wanted ad I'd posted I would laugh my fucking ass off and thank the guy for it.  The fact that someone could actually take that offer seriously, Bon Jovi and all, just makes it even funnier.

I did feel a little bad for the 17 year old kid who did not know that a nest of angry hornets in the engine and a flyswatter to deal with them is not a standard feature on a car, and earnestly replied that he'd happily fork over his $4k.  Just a little.

If the guy was really mean he could probably scam a lot of these people out of their money, and completely legally, like that guy who sold an empty Wii box on eBay, clearly advertised as such, to some illiterate for $300.  I think it's to his credit that he continues making the emails increasingly ludicrous until they finally "get it" rather than making a genuine effort to string them along.

[voodoolily]

I did feel a little bad for the 17 year old kid who did not know that a nest of angry hornets in the engine and a flyswatter to deal with them is not a standard feature on a car, and earnestly replied that he'd happily fork over his $4k.  Just a little.

Don't, it's the best education that kid can get. 

[Cyrrex]

I did feel a little bad for the 17 year old kid who did not know that a nest of angry hornets in the engine and a flyswatter to deal with them is not a standard feature on a car, and earnestly replied that he'd happily fork over his $4k.  Just a little.

Don't, it's the best education that kid can get. 

A rare insight as to how VL will be raising her fetus.

[voodoolily]

It's better than finding out that the internet is full of stranger danger the other way! 

Besides, my kid will know that spray adhesive is the best way to deal with a hornet's nest.

[Oban]

Flaming sticky hornets, what could go wrong?

[voodoolily]

They can't fly when their wings are glued to the floor.

[MrHat]

They can't fly when their wings are glued to the floor.

I'm glad you're on our side.

[Endie]

I thought voodoolilly was joking with the welcome to the internet meme. If not, well... Some people think one way about others and some don't. I'm happy with my way and I'm sure the other way is at least amusing.