Conan - Nihilistic - 360

[schild]

So what is Conan Like?

Well, it's a shameless Rip-Off of the PlayStation's God Of War.

While I've only played each of the two GoW games for 10-20 minutes each, I never really got into them since I planned to get around to it at some stage, and never did. Then got my 360 and HDTV and suddenly all my PS2 games that looked so fine before looked like bottom. So anyway, knowing this was a bit of a GoW-rip-off, I decided to pick up Conan since it was on sale as one of the big department chains, and got EB to price-match, just to keep me safe for a 7-day return.

It's not as flashy in terms of fantastical enemies as GoW, but it is pretty much just as gruesome and bloody, with decapitations, dismemberment, a few variations of curb-stomping and all manner of other bloodiness that Conan is famous for. Occasionally you also free enslaved women, who look like they've been dropped out of a Penthouse spread in terms of body shape and proportion, but you know what? I don't care. It's just a touch of eye-candy and while it may help to make the game unsuitable for little kiddies to some people, I think the gore and dismemberment is a little more unsuitable for children than some digital nipples. The story is, well, pulp trite, but if you're playing a Conan action game for the story, you're in the wrong place - go read the books instead.

So anyway, But Is It Fun? Yes, yes it is. It's shallow as all fuck, but I've been playing it for a solid four hours since putting in into the 360 and enjoying almost all of that time. Loading times between deaths is pretty long, about 20-30 seconds, but it only becomes an issue when you keep falling off a ledge while trying to figure out where to go next.

There's a bunch of different combos you buy with xp, and slowly learn them depending on your weapon choices and preference (duel wield/sword and board/2-hander) and also H2H, though you're not locked into any weapon type, you may as well specialise so you can learn the deep moves for each type. There are also magical moves you unlock by defeating bosses and getting bits of Conan's armour back. They don't seem to be a big deal, really.

In terms of enemies, Lions piss me off, as do some of the grunt-leaders. The generic grunts and the Boss fights are actually pretty fun, though the biggest thing I've fought so far was a long, multi-part Sand Dragon fight that was straight out of the GoW series, with lots of mini-gaming in it. My wife, watching me fight it, even remarked at how similar it looks to GoW (remembering watching the multi-part Hydra fight, no doubt). Apparently the last boss is a total pita to fight against from reviews I have checked out, so it looks like the game ends with some suckage.

So, is it worth buying? Well, I can't see it being worthwhile. It's one of those shallow-but-fun arcade-style games that is fun for a first run-through, but I can't see much replay value unless you want to rip through it specialising in a different weapon type. I'm just shy of 1/3 of the way through after one session, so I can very much see this thing going back to EB once I complete it in a couple of days, well under the 1-week period. As it happens, the copy I got from EB has some other guy's reciept in it, so apparently I won't be the first to return this "new" copy of Conan, presumably after playing it through within a few days.

It's hard for devs of this kind of arcade throwback. Fun once-through, but a bit pointless on any subsequent playings. I found the same issue with that Mortal Kombat beat-em-up, though that was at least co-op. A friend and I spent a fun Saturday ripping through that one last year, and despite all the MK-extra-crap they packed into that one, I can't see myself playing it again in the next year. Conan has the same kind of issue, but without a co-op mode of any kind, which could have been a help for longevity. Not sure what the GoW games do for the same issue, but each of those two only cost me twenty bucks, so I'm cool with that. Conan was $60, so doesn't get that same benefit.

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Rent it.

Sent in by Azazel.

[Azazel]

I think I'm about done with this thing. Got up to Act 10, where the grunty-grunts are just incredibly fucking nasty with their combos, so you're forced into a very careful and defensive style of play. Some of the boss fights (The Chimerae/Sorcerer Queen) got a bit silly with the amount of kiting needing to be done as well (I almost quit in frustration at that point).

But really, the fun of this game isn't solving their "clever" puzzles, because they're not clever. It's not in negotiating the careful platformy bits, because the platformy bits suck quite badly, and are either Not Fun or Fucking Frustrating. Some of the boss fights are fun, others are sucktastic, but above all the fun is not in carefully using a defensive style to carefully kill the uber footsloggers while carefully not trying to get ripped a new one.

The fun in this game is being fucking Conan El Muthafuckin Barbarian, and just tearing into a crowd of motherfuckers and ripping them all a new one in the most gory and flashy fashion possible. If there were a Wolverine game with testicles, it'd be similar in many ways.

Unfortunately. by the time you get to the later levels (ie: Act 10+), the difficulty on the grunts has ramped up so far that it's simply no longer fun anymore. I don't think I can be bothered playing any further. Still, the fun parts were still fun, and I stand my my recommendation of this as a worthwhile rental for a weekend. You'll get a couple days fun out of it, broken up with a few WTF moments and frustrations, but it's definately a must-not-buy, unless you get it for next to nothing.

Looking at the FAQ (yes, I needed it for a couple of the boss fights). By stopping playing now, at the start of Act 10, I'm skipping these sections: (trimmed for brevity)

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About one hundred million grunty shitbags with their difficulty cranked up to unfun.

followed by:

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                     =============        =============
                     !! WARNING !!        !! WARNING !!
                     =============        =============

  This bit is the first of three EXTREMELY ANNOYING sections of the game, so
  BE WARNED.


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  Even if you save it before they materialise, SAVE IT AGAIN AFTERWARDS, so
  you don't have to fight them from scratch.

                     =============        =============
                     !! WARNING !!        !! WARNING !!
                     =============        =============

                     THIS SECTION IS EXTREMELY ANNOYING

> Run past the next tar pit on the ground, and you will find that, as you run


--------

                     =============        =============
                     !! WARNING !!        !! WARNING !!
                     =============        =============

                     THIS SECTION IS EXTREMELY ANNOYING

As you reach the top of the stairs Conan will say "What Spell holds back the
Water ?"  Good question !!

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BOSS FIGHT - GRAVEN

                     =============        =============
                     !! WARNING !!        !! WARNING !!
                     =============        =============

                 THIS IS THE MOST ANNOYINGEST BOSS-FIGHT EVER

Graven is the most difficult of the bosses in Conan and, as with every other
boss fight, his is divided up into multiple sections, being as follows :-

     GRAVEN BOSS FIGHT STAGE 1 - Plastic Man #1
     GRAVEN BOSS FIGHT STAGE 2 - The Whirligig #1
     GRAVEN BOSS FIGHT STAGE 3 - Plastic Man #2
     GRAVEN BOSS FIGHT STAGE 4 - The Whirligig #2
     GRAVEN BOSS FIGHT STAGE 5 - Plastic Man #3
     GRAVEN BOSS FIGHT STAGE 6 - The Whirligig #3
     GRAVEN BOSS FIGHT STAGE 7 - Final Cutscene

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So you know, fuck that noise.