EverQuest: A Retrospective Look At Why I’m So Great And This Game Sucks

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EverQuest: A Retrospective Look At Why I’m So Great And This Game Sucks

Submitted by the "contest winner." Also known as we are lesion.


You'll get to actually see this at level 300, in a raid group the size of Zambia.
I’m fighting The Combine again, but it’s not because I’m attending a sneak preview of HL2: Episode 3.  No, I’m playing EverQuest on a “Progression” server, which is code for firmly planting the serpent’s ass in its mouth and hitting it with spurs.  I am pissed off.  The capitalization of the game title pisses me off.  Everything about my life right now pisses me off.  I now have Sony-induced seasonal affective disorder.  St. John’s Wort is the only thing between me, my car and a concrete wall.


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[MrHat]

STOP HAVING FUN THE WRONG WAY.

Awesome.

[stu]

That review was a blast to read!

[Wershlak]

You had me at "needle-laden scrotum". Well done.

[Moaner]

Funny shit.  I played for 6+ years and have seen almost everything in the game up to Prophecies of Ro. 

The one redeeming aspect of EQ is it's raiding.  If you find a good group of people, enjoy raiding, and have the patience of a fucking saint EQ provides a great experience.  Watching guild mates flounder and quit during 2 months of failed Uqua attempts was great. 

Never mind the ugly/dated graphics, convoluted lore, and the pissing away of HUGE amounts of time.

[taolurker]

Although not exactly a balanced review, or one that describes any of what made Everquest the game it was back in the day, it does do a good job of describing the current game. I was expecting more of a rant of the 10gigs it installed on your drive or the 10 hours spent patching, though.

BTW lesion the reason your graphics look like ass is that you didn't enable the Luclin character models (not that it helps much).

Should the front page article have UBB code in the tagline?

[Yegolev]

I wanted to get in here before Captain Wet Blanket, but I missed it.  Anyway, good job.

[lesion]

I read tao's blog post before doing this and figured I could skip all the glory-day facts. I had screenshots of the install but figured nobody would care, since every game these days takes up more real estate than my massive . Looks like I was wrong. Glad people enjoyed it.

[Signe]

You turned me into a bobble head!  Dammit!   

[Morfiend]

If you find a good group of people, enjoy raiding, and have the patience of a fucking saint EQ provides a great experience.

If you like ugly fat chicks stomping on your balls, having your balls stomped on by ugly fat chicks is fun. For everyone else its fucking horrible.

[geldonyetich2]

Suddenly, the overzealous bleatings of Geldonyetich v1.0 in support of Vanguard make a little more sense.  It's easy to say McQuaid successfully made a better EverQuest when the original EverQuest is that.

[Signe]

What?  Wait.  What?

[Hoax]

I covered my mouth throughout, also typing w/ one of those rubber fingers on is fucking hard.

Good show sir, enjoy the blue name you earned it!@!!

[cmlancas]

Although not exactly a balanced review, or one that describes any of what made Everquest the game it was back in the day, it does do a good job of describing the current game. I was expecting more of a rant of the 10gigs it installed on your drive or the 10 hours spent patching, though.

BTW lesion the reason your graphics look like ass is that you didn't enable the Luclin character models (not that it helps much).

Should the front page article have UBB code in the tagline?

Tao, are you serious? The article is supposed to be fucking slanted. Read some more English before you start posting dumbass uninformed shit like this. Fuck.

I firmly believe EQ1 isn't fun. IF IT WAS VANGUARD WOULD HAVE SUCCEEDED. ROFLLULZ!

Oh, and geldon said it first. I was too busy bleeding from my eyes and raging because you can't detect tone in an article.

[taolurker]

Tao, are you serious? The article is supposed to be fucking slanted. Read some more English before you start posting dumbass uninformed shit like this. Fuck.

What the fuck are you talking about? I actually thought it was a funny read, that accurately describes the current state of the game from someone who'd never played it. I know English just fine, but I wouldn't exactly say that lesion actually gave it a chance, let alone knew any of what made EQ the game it was back in it's early days.

I firmly believe EQ1 isn't fun. IF IT WAS VANGUARD WOULD HAVE SUCCEEDED. ROFLLULZ!

Oh, and geldon said it first. I was too busy bleeding from my eyes and raging because you can't detect tone in an article.

I can detect tone just fine, I just expected him to at least rant about something that was actually relevant to the history and changes to the game, and next time Cmlancas maybe read all of what I posted trying not to take things out of context. The fact that he's complaining about graphics and not using the updated Luclin models (his screenshots) means he didn't even seriously TRY.

It was funny, but the article didn't actually say anything that any WoW player attempting a 10 minute look at Everquest wouldn't (except of course leaving out the massive installation shit).

I found the part where he was killed by the guard especially funny, but that's because I DID play EQ, so I know better than to wander around as an evil race, and not expect to be insta-killed.

late edit because UBB kicks my arse

[Jain Zar]

I found it amusing.  Everquest was ALWAYS shit.  Its revelation in 99-00 was NO RAMPAGING PKS.
Once you got past the fact random assholes wouldn't kill you you were left with a grindy suckfest with horrible controls, terrible combat, awful world design, and just general awfulness.

A year or so back I tried a free server with expedited XP gains.  It sucked even HARDER.  Its probably the worst pro MMORPG I have played.

That's right, the bug laden multiple game system fuckball that is Star Wars Galaxies is more fun.
The weeaboo megagrind furry animu grindhell of Final Fantasy 11 is better.
The epic failure game known as Asheron's 2 is better.  (Actually its World of Warcraft 0.8.)
The buggy Anarchy Online is better.
The paid Diablo Phantasy Star Online/Universe games are way better.  (Counting it as bad from a MMORPG standpoint.  Much better as local multiplayer and solo games.)
Dark Age of Camelot is better and I only played it in its first month.
Gemstone 3 is not better.  So Everquest does beat ONE game.
Earth and Beyond was better.
Shadowbane was better.

(Note that I am not saying any of the above titles were GOOD, just better than EQ.)

And Asheron's Call, City of Heroes, Ultima Online Renaissance era, and World of Warcraft are good. By MMORPG standards and conventions anyhow. 

[CharlieMopps]

lol, unfortunately no MMO thats as old as EQ is fun to play at lower levels. You have to have a capped out character. Starting those games new is a bitch.

[lamaros]

That took about 30 mins to 'research' and about 15 to 'write', right?

I'm looking forward to something remotely interesting on the fronts page that is not an interview, but it will never happen...

[schild]

That took about 30 mins to 'research' and about 15 to 'write', right?

I'm looking forward to something remotely interesting on the fronts page that is not an interview, but it will never happen...

STOP HAVING FUN THE WRONG WAY.

[lamaros]

The Wii is an excellent gaming system!

[Moaner]

If you like ugly fat chicks stomping on your balls, having your balls stomped on by ugly fat chicks is fun. For everyone else its fucking horrible.

Well obviously if you don't like raiding you won't like EQ.  I can name entire genres of games that are about as fun for me as having my balls stomped by ugly fat chicks, most sports titles for example.

That said I’m in no way defending EQ.  Getting to the level cap and to a point you can even think about starting some of the compelling content is such a painful experience at this point I could not with a clear conscious recommend the game to anyone.  And besides, I’m sure WoW has better raid level crap than EQ does by now.

[cmlancas]

It was funny, but the article didn't actually say anything that any WoW player attempting a 10 minute look at Everquest wouldn't (except of course leaving out the massive installation shit).

I found the part where he was killed by the guard especially funny, but that's because I DID play EQtake it in the rectum and still cling to hope that one day another game can adequately vice my testicles in a terrible grip of cockblocks and grindfests, so I know better than to wander around as an evil race, and not expect to be insta-killed.

FIFY.

Also, I was trying to be a little funny and it came out snarky. I used to be in your shoes when I felt nostalgic about EQ1, but having returned to it five years after I first played it, realized that just because it was my first did not make it the best.

 

[geldonyetich2]

It was funny, but the article didn't actually say anything that any WoW player attempting a 10 minute look at Everquest wouldn't (except of course leaving out the massive installation shit).

I found the part where he was killed by the guard especially funny, but that's because I DID play EQ, so I know better than to wander around as an evil race, and not expect to be insta-killed.

I could see that I Am Lesion didn't fully research the game and is indeed giving the "WoW player attempting a 10 minute look at EverQuest" perspective.  However, whether it was deliberate or not, here also is the genius of the thing. 

We who had played EverQuest since 1999 have our perspectives altered by the knowledge of how it was and perhaps how the game has evolved over the neigh-decade since then.  This knowledge is beneficial to our better understanding of EverQuest, true, but it also robs us of being able to correctly see the game as it would be witnessed by some new player trying it out now.

The new player, with fresh eyes, can really give us a better perspective the current state of EverQuest than somebody who has learned to ignore all the problems they've long compensated and made mental excuses for.  (For example, insta-kill guards based on race with no in-game warning this will happen ahead of time.)

Somehow, I managed to miss Ultima Online when it was in its heyday.  (I think I had too antiquated of a computer at the time.)  To me, Ultima Online is an mess of inconsequential game value.  I've read about the virtual worldly aspects with academic approval, but I can't play the game without furrowing my brow in disapproval: the underlying mechanics feel about 8 years too late to be worthwhile.  To players who had grown used to its flaws, there's actually something of value of there, but my relative fresh perspective can't see it.

[Margalis]

That took about 30 mins to 'research' and about 15 to 'write', right?

Games do not require research to evaluate, they require playing.

[Hoax]

That took about 30 mins to 'research' and about 15 to 'write', right?

I'm looking forward to something remotely interesting on the fronts page that is not an interview, but it will never happen...

This is the day f13.net officially hit mmo status, feel free to unsub any time if it sucks so much.  Nobody even wants your shitty stuff.

[Strazos]

Gemstone 3 is not better.  So Everquest does beat ONE game.

Well, it's not better than Gemstone4...which is the same exact game as Gemstone3....sort of....

God, a GS4 review could be funny at this point. I think I might be the longest-tenured player of that game on f13. 

[Engels]

BTW lesion the reason your graphics look like ass is that you didn't enable the Luclin character models (not that it helps much).

Uhm, no. His lizard avatar is rendered with Luclin models.

[cmlancas]

You're not looking hard enough through EQ-Still-Rocks glasses, Engels! 

[lamaros]

That took about 30 mins to 'research' and about 15 to 'write', right?

Games do not require research to evaluate, they require playing.

We're not just talking about playing and evaluating though, we're talking about writing a review.

Reviews do require some sort of research, especially when they're reviews of games that has some signigifance historically. Unless of course you happen to be such an excellent and funny writer that people are enjoying the writing itself rather than the content. Generic rage and overwrought putdowns do get a lot of mileage here at f13.net, so I guess some people give this 'writing' a pass grade, but I personaly don't see why this is on the front page and all the other shit people talk in threads is not. There's nothing that special about it.

So like I said, get better shit on the front page or just stick to posting interviews.

Now please excuse me while I go kill myself for disagreeing with some of you. Life is hard.

[schild]

There's nothing that special about it.

Oh, I don't know.

It's about Everfuckingquest 1 maybe? We have people on this board who have had 2 kids since it came out. You want a 4 page review on the fucker, write it. No one else thinks this shit is worth 4 pages or worth discussing the history of Everquest 1. This is merely another nail in the coffin for that ugly, unplayable, piece of dinosaur shit.

Maybe you didn't get any of that though.

[lamaros]

There's nothing that special about it.

Oh, I don't know.

It's about Everfuckingquest 1 maybe? We have people on this board who have had 2 kids since it came out. You want a 4 page review on the fucker, write it. No one else thinks this shit is worth 4 pages or worth discussing the history of Everquest 1. This is merely another nail in the coffin for that ugly, unplayable, piece of dinosaur shit.

Maybe you didn't get any of that though.

If it's not worth a proper review why is it frontpage?

Obviously it's your site and you can do whatever you like. Thankfully one of the things you seem to like doing it letting people say what they think. This is what I think:

That if you're not going to put some time and effort into what you're writing, or if it's not breaking news, or if it's not full of insight, then don't put it on the front fucking page.

Just start a thread:

Subject: Everquest sucks!
Body:

Yep. I went and 'played' it for 30mins. It sucks. Fuck it sucks. Don't play it (again). I knew it was going to suck before I played it but did so just to tell you it sucks. Really this should be frontpage news. But because it's just basic abuse of a game we all know sucks it's not, it's just a generic abuse thread!

[schild]

or if it's not breaking news, or if it's not full of insight

Welcome to the gaming industry. Those things happen once every 3 months and there's a lot of websites.

But you already knew that.

As such: You must've really, really fucking loved EQ.

[lamaros]

As such: You must've really, really fucking loved EQ.

Never played it. Never had any desire to. Thus never saw the point of this review. Maybe if people were thinking "hmm, maybe I should play Everquest!" it would be a suitable warning. But was anyone?

[Samwise]

Thus never saw the point of this review.

It was entertaining.  That's the main thing I look for in a front page article.  As such, 

I don't understand why people who have never submitted articles (at least not that I know of) get all pissy and jealous when other people get something frontpaged.  It's not like it's hard.

[lamaros]

Hmm, if I'm giving the impression I'm mostly concerned with having a go at we are lesion then I apologise. I am more expressing confusion at the point of this article being a frontpage review, rather that a topic discussion starter in MMO general or something.