Truth or Urban Myth... Who cares?

[HaemishM]

I got this in email, and thought it was just too damn funny not to share. Even if it is fake, it's still funny.

Truth or urban myth? Only Dan knows for sure.

The person who sent this to me got it from Dan. I don't know Dan, but I
like him.............

Dear Friends, My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on
this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch
this!"
Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true
story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for Kathy.

The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you
who are not
familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two
metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of
high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The
effects are
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant,
but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push
the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one
of these things
in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short,
I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we
don't
need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this
particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How
disappointing! I
do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward
to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud
pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I
have
yet to explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a
fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty,
after
all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one
hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause
muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about
5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin'
way!"

Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened
next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who
know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting
there
alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,"don't
do
it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole
thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the
circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision
is like
hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad
decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't
ya
hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
body
slammed me on the carpet over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me
making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever
feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is

no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not
going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent
thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge
one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little
I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been

shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an
ounce
or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . .. sure would like to get
'em back.
Dan

[Train Wreck]

Dan should have his own reality TV show.

[Furiously]

Doesn't he and isnt it called Jackass?

[WayAbvPar]

This had to be in a trailer park somewhere. Who else shops for gifts at a fucking pawn/gun store?

[stray]

Not quite as drastic, but I (purposely) shocked myself on the sole of my shoe one time. I was only 13, drunk, and thought I'd try testing out the insulation..or something. For a split second there, I honestly didn't think it'd really work. Bad idea.

[Hanzii]

When I was about 5 I jammed one of moms knitting pins into a wall socket - my big brother bodytackled me to safety.

When I was 13 I peed on an electrical fence (it's a thing every boy have to do). I am now a father... allthough for a while there it felt like I never would be.

When I was 14 I "repaired" a radio, which I forgot to unplug.

When I was 30 my editor asked me to get tazed for a story. I had finally learned my lesson and declined. But a colleague said yes and went to Sweden to "try out" the swedish polices new weapon. The pictures of him being tazed by an officer, loosing all musle control and drooling on the floor werevery popular in the office.

[Arcadian Del Sol]

The story has too much literary aside to be a real email.
his glasses were PERCHED on his nose?

Nobody stupid enough to taze themselves is smart enough to write that story.

[Ironwood]

Did you just call Hanzii a fuckwit ?

'cause he writes for a living now, and stuff....

[Arcadian Del Sol]

Did you just call Hanzii a fuckwit ?

'cause he writes for a living now, and stuff....

I didn't read the thread - I read the first post and replied.

[Morfiend]

My friend (against my better advice) put one of the electric dog leshes around his neck one time. You know the collars where when you pass a certen sensor, it shocks you. And ran past the sensor. OMG, that was funny. Damn thing knocked him to the ground, and had him flopping around like crazy before he managed to crawl back past the sensor.

[HaemishM]

When I was about 5 I jammed one of moms knitting pins into a wall socket - my big brother bodytackled me to safety.

I did that with a fork, but I don't remember the rest of the story past the cool blue spark thingie.

[Hanzii]

When I was about 5 I jammed one of moms knitting pins into a wall socket - my big brother bodytackled me to safety.

I did that with a fork, but I don't remember the rest of the story past the cool blue spark thingie.

Oh, I don't REMEMBER it... but my family sure does.

[Alkiera]

I've been zapped several times by household current, and never blacked out or anything.  When I was little, I once had my fingers on the prongs of a lamp plug to guide it into the holes of the socket in the dark, got zapped, and I screamed, but didn't bother me otherwise.   Been zapped by similar current a few times since then, and while it's surprising, and makes my fingers tingle a bit, I've never been held or knocked out by it.

Then again, I've never been unconscious outside of sleep.  I've had bleeding head wounds, been punched hard enough that I fell and cracked my head on a tile gym floor, had a wisdom tooth removed with just a local anesthetic, had other minor surgury done with just a local.  Never been knocked out.

--
Alkiera

[SirBruce]

I've been shocked three times... once by an electric fence, and twice by the same household socket that liked to spark whenever a particularly frayed toasted cord was plugged into it.  Very scary when it happens, but other than the brief paralysis until you can pull away, not particularly painful or stunning.

I don't think I've ever been knocked out by a sudden event, either... even when I fell off a wall and split my scalp open, I didn't lose consciousness or anything.  Perhaps the closest came from a completely innocent event in High School when I was horsing around in front of the lockers with some classmates, and one of them caught me with a punch to the solar plexus at just the right time.  My knees crumpled and I fell on my butt and couldn't catch my breath for several minutes, but I didn't lose consciousness.

Bruce

[Margalis]

I also was shocked once when I was young, had a momentary loss of movement...and now I possess the power to shoot shock rays that are augmented by electroshock gauntlets of my own design...

OK...maybe not so much the second part...

[SurfD]

heh, I have been shocked a few times.  The fairly typical stuff that a couple of other people have done: Bobby pin in the wall socket, pissing on an electric fence (every country boy has done it at least once), a cattle prod (my mother owned one, and used it to keep us in line).

Only time i can actually recall loosing conciousness from anything wasnt even shock related.  It was one of those, stand up real fast blood rushes out of your head kind of things.

Had been sitting reading a book for about 5 or 6 hours in a really deep, really comfy recliner chair.  Got up to use the toilet.  Finished taking a piss, got up,  and the next thing I new, I was staring up at my sister from the bathroom floor.  Absolutely nothing between.  Appearently I blacked out somewhere just after bending upright from grabing my drawers.  All my sister heard was a loud CRACK followed by a thump, as i broke the plastic seet on the toilet on my way down.

[HaemishM]

Talking of unconsciousness, I have been knocked out with a pillow.

Yes, you heard me, a frigging pillow. I was somewhere around 6 or 7, I think, over at a friends house with a bunch of kids. We were having a pillow fight. You know, grab a pillow, bash the hell out of each other. Well, the couch we were grabbing the pillows from was some real hard leather thingie, the kind you see in the 70's. So the pillow was amazingly enough just REALLY FUCKING HARD. Not to mention it caught me in the back of the neck, right where the neck joins the skull. Don't know how the hell it happened, all I remember was whack and then waking up with everyone having run out of the room and looking back in to see if I was frigging dead. Must have scared the shit out of them.

What's weird about that, other than being conked with a pillow, is that I took a baseball to the head a few years later, I mean rocketed off the bat by my brother directly in the forehead. I got hit so damn hard, I had the imprint of the baseball's stitches in my head for a week after, but I didn't lose consciousness. Years later, I took a pool cue directly to the temple and stayed up as well.

Moral of the story... even a pillow can take down a man if you hit him in the right spot. Oh, and my forehead is apparently made of admantium.

[Rodent]

When I was 30 my editor asked me to get tazed for a story. I had finally learned my lesson and declined. But a colleague said yes and went to Sweden to "try out" the swedish polices new weapon. The pictures of him being tazed by an officer, loosing all musle control and drooling on the floor werevery popular in the office.

I've never been prouder of our boys in blue.

My own shocking experiences are limited to jumping into an electric cow fence, in my defence I was 6 and my much larger and evil sisters were chasing me.