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Author
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Topic: Truth or Urban Myth... Who cares? (Read 3668 times)
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HaemishM
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 42629
the Confederate flag underneath the stone in my class ring
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I got this in email, and thought it was just too damn funny not to share. Even if it is fake, it's still funny. Truth or urban myth? Only Dan knows for sure.
The person who sent this to me got it from Dan. I don't know Dan, but I like him.............
Dear Friends, My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Kathy.
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is
no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . .. sure would like to get 'em back. Dan
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Train Wreck
Contributor
Posts: 796
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Dan should have his own reality TV show.
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Furiously
Terracotta Army
Posts: 7199
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Doesn't he and isnt it called Jackass?
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WayAbvPar
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This had to be in a trailer park somewhere. Who else shops for gifts at a fucking pawn/gun store?
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When speaking of the MMOG industry, the glass may be half full, but it's full of urine. HaemishM
Always wear clean underwear because you never know when a Tory Government is going to fuck you.- Ironwood
Libertarians make fun of everyone because they can't see beyond the event horizons of their own assholes Surlyboi
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stray
Terracotta Army
Posts: 16818
has an iMac.
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Not quite as drastic, but I (purposely) shocked myself on the sole of my shoe one time. I was only 13, drunk, and thought I'd try testing out the insulation..or something. For a split second there, I honestly didn't think it'd really work. Bad idea.
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Hanzii
Terracotta Army
Posts: 729
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When I was about 5 I jammed one of moms knitting pins into a wall socket - my big brother bodytackled me to safety.
When I was 13 I peed on an electrical fence (it's a thing every boy have to do). I am now a father... allthough for a while there it felt like I never would be.
When I was 14 I "repaired" a radio, which I forgot to unplug.
When I was 30 my editor asked me to get tazed for a story. I had finally learned my lesson and declined. But a colleague said yes and went to Sweden to "try out" the swedish polices new weapon. The pictures of him being tazed by an officer, loosing all musle control and drooling on the floor werevery popular in the office.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would like to discuss this more with you, but I'm not allowed to post in Politics anymore.
Bruce
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Arcadian Del Sol
Terracotta Army
Posts: 397
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The story has too much literary aside to be a real email. his glasses were PERCHED on his nose?
Nobody stupid enough to taze themselves is smart enough to write that story.
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unbannable
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Ironwood
Terracotta Army
Posts: 28240
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Did you just call Hanzii a fuckwit ?
'cause he writes for a living now, and stuff....
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"Mr Soft Owl has Seen Some Shit." - Sun Tzu
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Arcadian Del Sol
Terracotta Army
Posts: 397
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Did you just call Hanzii a fuckwit ?
'cause he writes for a living now, and stuff.... I didn't read the thread - I read the first post and replied.
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unbannable
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Morfiend
Terracotta Army
Posts: 6009
wants a greif tittle
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My friend (against my better advice) put one of the electric dog leshes around his neck one time. You know the collars where when you pass a certen sensor, it shocks you. And ran past the sensor. OMG, that was funny. Damn thing knocked him to the ground, and had him flopping around like crazy before he managed to crawl back past the sensor.
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HaemishM
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 42629
the Confederate flag underneath the stone in my class ring
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When I was about 5 I jammed one of moms knitting pins into a wall socket - my big brother bodytackled me to safety. I did that with a fork, but I don't remember the rest of the story past the cool blue spark thingie.
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Hanzii
Terracotta Army
Posts: 729
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When I was about 5 I jammed one of moms knitting pins into a wall socket - my big brother bodytackled me to safety. I did that with a fork, but I don't remember the rest of the story past the cool blue spark thingie. Oh, I don't REMEMBER it... but my family sure does.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would like to discuss this more with you, but I'm not allowed to post in Politics anymore.
Bruce
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Alkiera
Terracotta Army
Posts: 1556
The best part of SWG was the easy account cancellation process.
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I've been zapped several times by household current, and never blacked out or anything. When I was little, I once had my fingers on the prongs of a lamp plug to guide it into the holes of the socket in the dark, got zapped, and I screamed, but didn't bother me otherwise. Been zapped by similar current a few times since then, and while it's surprising, and makes my fingers tingle a bit, I've never been held or knocked out by it.
Then again, I've never been unconscious outside of sleep. I've had bleeding head wounds, been punched hard enough that I fell and cracked my head on a tile gym floor, had a wisdom tooth removed with just a local anesthetic, had other minor surgury done with just a local. Never been knocked out.
-- Alkiera
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"[I could] become the world's preeminent MMO class action attorney. I could be the lawyer EVEN AMBULANCE CHASERS LAUGH AT. " --Triforcer
Welcome to the internet. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used as evidence against you in a character assassination on Slashdot.
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SirBruce
Terracotta Army
Posts: 2551
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I've been shocked three times... once by an electric fence, and twice by the same household socket that liked to spark whenever a particularly frayed toasted cord was plugged into it. Very scary when it happens, but other than the brief paralysis until you can pull away, not particularly painful or stunning.
I don't think I've ever been knocked out by a sudden event, either... even when I fell off a wall and split my scalp open, I didn't lose consciousness or anything. Perhaps the closest came from a completely innocent event in High School when I was horsing around in front of the lockers with some classmates, and one of them caught me with a punch to the solar plexus at just the right time. My knees crumpled and I fell on my butt and couldn't catch my breath for several minutes, but I didn't lose consciousness.
Bruce
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Margalis
Terracotta Army
Posts: 12335
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I also was shocked once when I was young, had a momentary loss of movement...and now I possess the power to shoot shock rays that are augmented by electroshock gauntlets of my own design...
OK...maybe not so much the second part...
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vampirehipi23: I would enjoy a book written by a monkey and turned into a movie rather than this.
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SurfD
Terracotta Army
Posts: 4035
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heh, I have been shocked a few times. The fairly typical stuff that a couple of other people have done: Bobby pin in the wall socket, pissing on an electric fence (every country boy has done it at least once), a cattle prod (my mother owned one, and used it to keep us in line).
Only time i can actually recall loosing conciousness from anything wasnt even shock related. It was one of those, stand up real fast blood rushes out of your head kind of things.
Had been sitting reading a book for about 5 or 6 hours in a really deep, really comfy recliner chair. Got up to use the toilet. Finished taking a piss, got up, and the next thing I new, I was staring up at my sister from the bathroom floor. Absolutely nothing between. Appearently I blacked out somewhere just after bending upright from grabing my drawers. All my sister heard was a loud CRACK followed by a thump, as i broke the plastic seet on the toilet on my way down.
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Darwinism is the Gateway Science.
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HaemishM
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 42629
the Confederate flag underneath the stone in my class ring
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Talking of unconsciousness, I have been knocked out with a pillow.
Yes, you heard me, a frigging pillow. I was somewhere around 6 or 7, I think, over at a friends house with a bunch of kids. We were having a pillow fight. You know, grab a pillow, bash the hell out of each other. Well, the couch we were grabbing the pillows from was some real hard leather thingie, the kind you see in the 70's. So the pillow was amazingly enough just REALLY FUCKING HARD. Not to mention it caught me in the back of the neck, right where the neck joins the skull. Don't know how the hell it happened, all I remember was whack and then waking up with everyone having run out of the room and looking back in to see if I was frigging dead. Must have scared the shit out of them.
What's weird about that, other than being conked with a pillow, is that I took a baseball to the head a few years later, I mean rocketed off the bat by my brother directly in the forehead. I got hit so damn hard, I had the imprint of the baseball's stitches in my head for a week after, but I didn't lose consciousness. Years later, I took a pool cue directly to the temple and stayed up as well.
Moral of the story... even a pillow can take down a man if you hit him in the right spot. Oh, and my forehead is apparently made of admantium.
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Rodent
Terracotta Army
Posts: 699
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When I was 30 my editor asked me to get tazed for a story. I had finally learned my lesson and declined. But a colleague said yes and went to Sweden to "try out" the swedish polices new weapon. The pictures of him being tazed by an officer, loosing all musle control and drooling on the floor werevery popular in the office. I've never been prouder of our boys in blue. My own shocking experiences are limited to jumping into an electric cow fence, in my defence I was 6 and my much larger and evil sisters were chasing me.
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Wiiiiii!
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