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July 03, 2025, 11:14:06 PM

we're back, baby

Dear JOhn,
I have a bad case of The AIDS. Thought you'd like to know.

SIncerely,
Voodoolily

I like how Oxygen is empowering women to appear in the thong version of Upskirt videos. YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY!

Quote from: The Onion 2056

We Need A Fourth Law of Robotics: Stop Fingering My Wife

By David Strenhorn

When robots started to become commonplace, Congress, in its great wisdom, mandated that every robot be hardwired with the Three Laws Of Robotics. For decades, these three basic rules have maintained class order in our society and kept the number of robot-caused deaths to a minimum. We all know these three laws:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

That certainly makes sense. No one wants a gore-bot to twist someone into a pretzel or stand aside and watch a human get hit by a Greyhound Shuttle.

2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except when such orders would conflict with the First Law.

This, too, makes sense. Robots are manufactured to perform the actions requested by their owners. If we didn't want that, we'd all buy SteveJobsbots.

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Uh, hello? A robot is a big investment. It only makes sense to protect humans from possible protocol violations. We can't have every robot who doesn't like his assigned duties throwing himself off the Golden Gate Overpass, can we?

Frankly, I'd be happy if these three rules were all that was necessary to ensure happy robot-human coexistence. Unfortunately, there's been a huge oversight. There's nothing in those laws to keep those machines out of my wife's coochie!

I'm not asking that we draft a law to prevent robots from manually stimulating with owner consent. If people want their wives fingered by their bots, that's fine. I wasn't born yesterday. To each his own. I'm not asking you to forbid robots from fingering every wife, just mine.

Sure, I can tell the robots from the neighborhood, "Hey, don't finger my wife!" and, under the Second Law Of Robotics, they'd have to comply. But what about the thousands of robots I've never met? The moment my back is turned, odds are my wife's going to get robo-fingered. It doesn't matter if the robot doesn't have fingers—she'll find some sorta antenna, spring, or crankshaft, and—boom—that robot will get her off.

Here's something I don't understand: We can develop a robot sturdy enough to mine the Saturnine moon Enceladus, strong enough to withstand the fierce ionic winds and burst through the 40 meters of scorched onyx that covers the planet, and smart enough to collect the vital crystals from amidst all the worthless rock, but the designers at USR labs can't figure out how to stop them from finger-banging my wife?

Do robotics engineers have any idea how much it breaks my heart to know that my wife's vulva has been probed by hundreds of metal phalanges? Are they trying to ruin my marriage?!

Good people at USR Labs, I urge you: Add a fourth item of protocol to the programming that guides the models in your next rollout. I want these automatons to get it into their intricate positronic brains that some parts of the human body are off limits, no matter how much human women plead. I, as well as thousands of other husbands around the world, would greatly appreciate it.

Quote from: WWN

10 LINES TO GET REPUBLICAN GALS -- LIKE ANN COULTER -- INTO BED

By MARK MILLER

THE RESULTS of an exciting new survey reveal the 10 best opening lines most effective in convincing a Republican woman to offer a man a night of bed-pounding, backscratching, hot monkey love!

The survey appears in Political Psychology Today magazine, and was led by Dr. Jedediah Leland. "In addition to the opening lines, we discovered a number of surprising insights," reveals Dr. Leland. "For instance, three times as many Democrat men as Republicans want to sleep with Republican women.

"When we asked them why, the Democrats responded that they had a strong urge to do to these women what the Republican party is doing to the country."

Here are the survey's 10 best opening lines to get Republican women in bed:

1 You know, in this light you look like you could be Laura Bush's younger, more desirable sister.

2 Sorry if I seem aggravated -- I'm still upset about that world-class jerk, Michael Moore.

3 Allow me to buy you a drink. After all, thanks to our beloved President, the economy has never been better!

4 I'd love to hang out with you, but I can't make it a late night -- I'm shipping out to Falluja in the morning.

5 The tattoo on my manhood spells "RAN." But when I get excited, it spells "REPUBLICAN."

6 To see you naked, I would turn in my own mother to the Department of Homeland Security.

7 If I had to choose between having a Republican President in the White House for the rest of this century, or never being able to see your cleavage again, I'd be stumped.

8 I'm all for No Child Left Behind. I'm even more for your child-like behind.

9 Just as the Republican Party boldly confronts big challenges, nothing would please me more than you confronting the big challenge rapidly growing right now in my pants.

10 Because of President Bush's leadership, we are strong; because of his vision, we will be even stronger; and because I can't stop thinking about your ass, I haven't been able to stand up for the last half hour.

Published on: 07/05/2005

I'm pretty sure you've seen this, but it bears repeating.

Quote

Ann Coulter's Beauty Secret

CONSERVATIVE VIRGINS DONATE BLOOD FOR COULTER’S BATH

by Scott C., WO'C's Children of the Night Correspondent

When best-selling author Ann Coulter arrived at Charles Coughlin College in Lynchville, Illinois, Ceci Lawrence was shocked." She looked so different from her photos," the 22-year old co-ed marveled." She had these long, bony fingers, and her skin was all stretched and thin like rice paper, and I remember thinking during her speech: she looks like a talking kite." It was then that Ceci and several of her sorority sisters resolved to do something for their distinguished visitor.

"We decided to have a blood drive," Ceci said, "So that Ann could renew the unholy forces which animate her flesh by bathing in the blood of the innocent. Let’s face it—she travels all the time and that’s got to play havoc with any sort of rigorous beauty regimen. After all, the average human body only contains six quarts of blood, so you can imagine how many virgins it would take to fill up even one of those crappy little tubs at the Ramada Inn. I mean, come on—she can’t just keep dropping by Townhall.com and draining Ben Shapiro for a pint—he’s starting to look bleached."

Finding a sufficient number of uncontaminated maidens, even on the campus of a conservative bible college, proved to be a chore. "Yeah," observed Ceci. "It was a lot of work, but it was worth it. Ann is my role model."

Ceci explained that she began college as a Speech Communications major. "I wanted to be on TV, so I was studying to be a spokesmodel. My dad wanted me to be a lawyer, but that was like way too much work, thank you very much. But then I saw Ann on Fox News, and realized that you could be a lawyer even if you didn’t practice law, or go to court, or know anything about the constitution. And even better, people would like. . .pay you to go on TV and say bitchy stuff about people! It’s like somebody saying, ‘Hey! Spreading rumors that all the smart girls are lesbians and then locking yourself in your dorm room and masturbating to Whittaker Chamber’s Witness is actually a job. We’ll pay you for that!’ My god! Having Fox News in your life is like having a rich boyfriend who’s too Episcopalian to demand a handjob! Anywat. . . The very next day I switched my major, and next year after I graduate, I hope to follow in Ann’s footsteps and attend the Barbizon School of Law."

Asked if the arduous, daylong blood drive was worth it, Ceci was unequivocal. "Absolutely! For one thing, Ann and I have become very friendly as a result. And for another, I’m pretty sure that if she’d gone one more day without blood she would have started killing my roommates."

And how does Ann Coulter herself feel about this outpouring of admiration and blood? The blanched and hollow-eyed pundit flashed an enthusiastic thumbs-up as she lowered her emaciated carcass into a hip-bath brimming with virgin gore. "Ahh," she said, splashing the ruddy, life-giving fluid over her bony chest, "This is the life. Or the undeath, anyway."

Born in the Hungary in 1560 as Elizabeth Bathory, the conservative sensation changed her name to Countess Marya Zaleska upon first coming to the United States in 1936. She later opted for the more Anglo-sounding Ann Coulter because, in her words, "I wanted my very name to announce my patriotic devotion to America," and because, "The FBI was closing in."

Asked whether soaking in the blood of virgins might alienate the GOP’s fundamentalist Christian base, Coulter waved a bone-white hand and uttered a dismissive, "Pah!"

She added knowingly, "Look how enthusiastically the base has supported President Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthy. To me, that’s a clear sign that the Heartland has given those of us in the upper echelons of society the go-ahead to live off the blood of our social inferiors. The way I like to think of it is: red states are red corpuscle states, brimming with life and vitality. While the blue states are blood cells depleted of oxygen, the same way the Democrat party is depleted of ideas and morality. If American values and ideals are to survive, we must confront our political opponents, rip out their throats with our sharp incisors, and feed upon the warm blood flowing from their ruptured arteries."

As a tired Ceci poured the last bucketful of blood into her idol’s copper bath, she paused to reflect on the day’s labors. "I’ve learned more from Ann in one day than I think I’ve learned from all my professors over the past four years. I’ve learned that liberals are traitors who want to destroy the nuclear family. I’ve learned that plasma is an excellent humectant. And I’ve learned which girls are really virgins, and which are letting the snake into the garden, if you know what I mean, because if Ann bathes in the blood of an soiled woman, she starts to smoke and shriek like a banshee. It’s kind of like when you drop a piece of magnesium in water. Except for the shrieking."

Quote from: Shockeye on July 07, 2005, 04:15:18 PM

Pictures of Haemish's vehicle.

Quote

It's an El'Crownvicio. They made them for a short time in the early nineties. Not too popular.

I think that guy summed it up.

The picture of someone actually using it is hilarious.

Quote

The "Lapjuicer", designed to be used by dancers in night clubs, is possibly the most disgusting invention ever.

Winner.

Quote from: schild on July 12, 2005, 01:55:44 PM

Quote

The "Lapjuicer", designed to be used by dancers in night clubs, is possibly the most disgusting invention ever.

Winner.

Gives a new twist to the term sit and spin.

Yes, I'm proud of myself.

Quote from: Shockeye on July 12, 2005, 01:56:54 PM

Gives a new twist to the term sit and spin.

Yes, I'm proud of myself.

As you should be.

Why is the following equation almost always true?

Celebrity = Stupidity

I don't get it.

Because no matter how stupid, inebriated or absolutly fucking pathetic you get, there's always swarms of sub-people telling you how fabulous, smart and witty you are. Until the money runs out at least.

There was a time, circa The Big Lebowski and American Pie, that I thought Tara Reid was hot. Now she scares me.

Damn, does chick just not have any handlers that know when to break cameras?

Quote from: Shockeye on August 11, 2005, 02:15:00 PM

Wild on tramps.

I keep hoping STDs will take them down quick, but I don't think any of them work fast enough.

Tara Reid is getting a tv show? I hope it's a one episode snuff piece. Someone needs to shoot her. She's making the entire female gender look bad.