Useless Conversation

[Merusk]

Could be worse.  It could have been Montana, either Dakota, Nebraska, Mississippi, Missouri, Alabama or Georgia.  

[ghost]

Could be worse.  It could have been Montana, either Dakota, Nebraska, Mississippi, Missouri, Alabama or Georgia.  

Arkansas.   

[Samwise]

Now I'm curious Merusk - looking back, how much of this sort of stuff do you think you should have been able to foresee? I have no idea how long you two went out before marrying.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

I almost posted this but wanted to let Merusk say it first.   

I lived with my ex-wife for 5 years before we tied the knot.  It's comforting to think that if you date someone or live with them for X amount of time you'll automatically know what to expect from them, but my experience is that if you miss the red flags a month in, you'll still be missing them a few years in (or, more likely, you'll be aware of them but over that period of time you'll have acclimated and convinced yourself that they're no big deal).  Again, hindsight.

[Nebu]

Some people grow apart as well.  If people are growing, learning, and maturing at different rates, it's inevitable that they will start to become distant over time.  Some people change over time and that's not necessarily a bad thing. 

[Minvaren]

One gem I got out of my counseling education was the John Gottman book "7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work."  I highly recommend it for anyone interested in making or keeping a relationship working.  Anyone who's been through a few relationships will likely find much of it is "derp" material, but there's wisdom in there nonetheless.

Relating that to what Nebu posted, his research shows relationships tend to break at three key times : around the birth of the first child (stress), around 7 years in (you stopped talking and/or grew apart), and when the kids leave home (you grew apart but stayed together for the kids).

[SnakeCharmer]

BGR The Burger Joint has AWESOME tasty burgers.  A bit pricey for a burger, fries, and a drink (12 bucks) but totally worth it.

[Ard]

You're always blaming others! Always! <sob>

Only you and Yegolev.  I only blame people who hit back.

Merusk, look up gaslighting, and make sure that's not going on also.  If she's been lying about spending money, there might be other issues afoot as well, and this one is a symptom of some pretty severe problems.  I don't think this is what's happening to you, but by the very nature of it, the victim doesn't necessarily know it's happening either, and it often gets used to keep you stuck in a relationship.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

[Paelos]

Could be worse.  It could have been Montana, either Dakota, Nebraska, Mississippi, Missouri, Alabama or Georgia.  

Georgia? What the hell are you talking about?

[Samwise]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

So THAT'S what it's called.   

[naum]

Thanks for the support, folks.

Marriage can be a rough ride. From personal XP, it is miraculous me and Mrs. Naum are still together -- our marriage has been good for last decade or so, but for a few years after the beginning, it was rocky, with some similar issue overlap. Mostly, since we see each other as much as soul friends than "what you should do for me" partners (not cool) or sex objects (which, when younger, is mostly/all a man thinking focus). But every couple is its own unique flower…

One thing I strongly implore is NOT to simply "ignore" the situation. Either (a) proceed on an exit route and take measures to protect yourself (especially if she has money issues) or (b) sit down, have heart to heart talk and lay out things and expected behavior and consequences if not adhered/followed through. I don't buy that people can't change -- I and wife are good example to the contrary, but it just doesn't happen on its own. People do progress or regress in maturity, intelligence, outlook, etc.… all the time. But OTOH, person has to be committed and see/hear/feel you on the division(s) or the separation will just get gnarlier.

Godspeed.

[Soln]

As another annonymous guy on the Internet I'd just like to give my best to Merusk as well.  And echo what's already been said:

1) get therapy together,
2) get legal advice privately,
3) get accounting (forensic) advice privately. 

Protect your kids by protecting yourself.  Firewall the kids, yourself, your assets.  Do so by starting therapy together, which may be a way to distract her while you do #2 and #3.

[Ironwood]

Get out.

[Merusk]

You just want me out there on the "no sex for years" lists because I'd be a single dad. I'm on to you, Scotsman! 

[Ironwood]

You're really comparing marriage to being single as the 'no sex for years' ?

Wow.

She's got YOU good.

 

[Merusk]

Nope, basing it on the single dads 'round these parts with 8-year-olds to watch.   

We've had the marital sex-life discussion before, recall, and I'm fine there.

[Nebu]

My sex life was FAR FAR better as a single father than it was while married.

Just saying.

[ghost]

You have to figure in the quantity versus quality issues, too.   

[Ironwood]

 

[Viin]

Make her get her own account in her name not connected to you in anyway, let her cash her own checks and really make that "your money/my money" split.

We do this.  Mostly though it's because we are both pretty independent people not through any scheme to handle responsibilities.  I make a lot more money so I pay all the utilities and we split the rent & food & vacations.  She pays for her car, clothes and whatever and I pay for my shit and we both maintain separate retirement and savings funds.

Things will probably have to change once we have kids but for now it's fine.

We do this too, but not to this extreme. We put the vast majority of our money into a joint account for family bills (house, cable, internet, car payments, etc etc). But I also put a few hundred a month into my own account that I can blow on whatever, without asking the wife's "permission". (She's better at saving than I am, so she handles the bills). Works out well, and if Fedex shows up with 10 new boxes of computer parts one day it's no big deal.

She has her own account too that she puts a bit of money away in, not sure what she does with it and I don't really care.

We both know we have these external savings accounts, so if things got tight we could and would pillage them for funds. We don't know how much money is in each, but we know its there!

[Yegolev]

That's when you give her a backhand sandwich for dinner.

Oh man, thanks for the laugh.  Fifty points for Slytherin.

[Rasix]

I can hear someone eating from my room.  They are at least 3 offices away.  Why can't people close their damn mouths when they chew? This is driving me nuts.

[Yegolev]

Some people have sinus problems.  However, after visiting AZ I think it's that there are a lot of mouthbreathers there.

[Lantyssa]

It's not 5 pm yet and I'm drunk off my arse.  Just thought I should share.  Cheers!

[Morat20]

It's not 5 pm yet and I'm drunk off my arse.  Just thought I should share.  Cheers!

Your life is far more exciting than mine. I won't be drunk for hours yet.

[Ingmar]

It's not 5 pm yet and I'm drunk off my arse.  Just thought I should share.  Cheers!

So, you had 2 drinks?

[Lantyssa]

You're funny.  Correct, but funny.

To be fair, I make very stiff drinks.  I've probably had a fourth of a fifth of vodka already.

[ghost]

It's not 5 pm yet and I'm drunk off my arse.  Just thought I should share.  Cheers!

Don't do anything silly like go off to Vegas and come back hitched.   

[Minvaren]

To be fair, I make very stiff drinks.  I've probably had a fourth of a fifth of vodka already.

So would that technically be a twentieth?   

(Note to self : give Lantyssa The Braggot(tm) next)

[Strazos]

BGR The Burger Joint has AWESOME tasty burgers.  A bit pricey for a burger, fries, and a drink (12 bucks) but totally worth it.

They're super awesome, well worth the full-meal price. They also have sweet potato fries. 

ALSO, the one I went to in Arlington had some crazy Coke machine that can do something like 120+ flavors - I was mixing all sorts of crazy things like vanilla and orange coke to make orange creamcicle coke.

[Merusk]

Oh shit I laughed..

http://www.smbc-comics.com/?db=comics&id=2045#comic

[Samwise]

...why wouldn't you just install a gas-powered generator?

[Merusk]

My theory is it's too practical. That's the kind of thing a mechanic would think of and doesn't use enough geekery.

[Ingmar]

...why wouldn't you just install a gas-powered generator?

Exhaust, duh.

[Sand]

Or maybe because its a comic and supposed to be funny? And the generator isnt an elaborate enough plot to be funny.


In other news my wife has another appointment with the ob/gyn tomorrow. Supposed to really be able to see the baby by tomorrow using ultrasound.  Of course given the fact that walking ten feet from my sick room to the bathroom or the kitchen is a major accomplishment and im wearing adult diapers not sure how to make sure i can attend.


But im not missing it! I guess its just going to be a long painful day. I havent shaved in over a week so will force me to do that at least.

[Lantyssa]

(Note to self : give Lantyssa The Braggot(tm) next)

Can't stand beer, so that probably wouldn't work.

If you want fun, make it sweet like a desert wine.  I'll down the whole bottle in one sitting.