Useless Conversation

[Sjofn]

Y'all are almost making me glad I can't get married.

It's...tough, in a lot of ways. Mostly because, well, everyone's an adult. I've met some adults who are quite happy to let someone else make all the decisions about things, but that's not too common.

Ingmar and I are probably weird in that we would both happily let the other person make all the decisions. My apathy usually outpaces his on important shit. I usually cave on "what should we do for dinner" though.


Sorry about the shitty situation, Merusk.

[Ard]

*sigh*  I wish my wife understood that "I don't know" isn't an answer to "What do you want for dinner?"

[Yegolev]

That is a perfectly fine answer as long as there is no complaining about what she gets.

[Ard]

We both know that isn't how that works however.

[Yegolev]

At some point I quit giving a shit.  She is going to bitch about something in any case.  Fortunately I'm not a rat bastard.

[MuffinMan]

That's when you give her a backhand sandwich for dinner.

[Ard]

Honestly, I'm just glad that's the worst problem I have with regards to her.  Sorry about your problems Merusk.

[Sjofn]

*sigh*  I wish my wife understood that "I don't know" isn't an answer to "What do you want for dinner?"

I'm usually too hungry to press Ingmar further when he says "I don't know" and I've finally learned that way lies madness anyway. It's just as well, if he did have an opinion, I'd probably have to choke down a lot more Indian food than I currently do (spoiler: I don't eat ANY EVER).

[Strazos]

Now I'm curious Merusk - looking back, how much of this sort of stuff do you think you should have been able to foresee? I have no idea how long you two went out before marrying.

That all sounds like a huge damn mess, and I cannot say I am envious. Though it's not like I can talk shit, seeing as I've never been in a relationship long enough for marriage to even be considered in passing...though I guess marriage making Zero Sense at this point (or for the next few years as well) doesn't help my understanding much.

[Evildrider]

My Dad said that Indian food tasted and smelled like armpit so he refused to eat anything that may be associated with it.

[Ingmar]

It would be a pretty awesome world if armpits smelled that good.

[Lantyssa]

Snake: No you've got me confused with someone else.  She's never cheated and probably isn't even capable.  Without going too much into it I'm the only guy she's ever been with and she's still hesitant around me.  I know a large part of her problem is latent homosexual/ bisexuality that she's repressing but refusing to see anyone about.  I've known for years but she only finally admitted it to me about 9 months ago.

Get her into therapy (and you, too).  Couples would be good, but individual, too, so y'all can talk openly.

Maybe it can be worked out, maybe it can't, but it sounds like y'all both need an opportunity to have someone help y'all sort things out.  Just make sure whomever you see has some experience with GLBT issues, even if it isn't the main focus of either your sessions, so y'all don't get pressured into something that makes the situation worse.  They need to help you be you, not mold you to what they think you should be.

[ghost]

Y'all are almost making me glad I can't get married.

Um, why?

Also, I figure that most healthy marriages argue about the "I don't know" problem.  It's tough to be inventive for 10-40 years. 

[Trippy]

Y'all are almost making me glad I can't get married.

Um, why?

Also, I figure that most healthy marriages argue about the "I don't know" problem.  It's tough to be inventive for 10-40 years. 

She apparently likes Texas too much to want to move and Texas will secede from the Union before allowing gay marriages

[Miasma]

Y'all are almost making me glad I can't get married.

Um, why?

Because it would destroy America's families.   THAT'S WHY!

[Ard]

I blame you guys for the fact that I picked up indian tonight for dinner, even if it was delicious.  Peer pressure is bad.

[ghost]

Y'all are almost making me glad I can't get married.

Um, why?

Also, I figure that most healthy marriages argue about the "I don't know" problem.  It's tough to be inventive for 10-40 years.  

She apparently likes Texas too much to want to move and Texas will secede from the Union before allowing gay marriages

Fair enough.  Can't you get married in NY and be legally married there yet reside in Texas?

Edit:  That's funny because I can't even get most of my gay friends to set foot in Texas, for even a layover. 

[Strazos]

Won't mean a whole lot if the state won't recognize it - they would get none of the benefits or entitlements of being a married couple.

Though in all honesty, I'm surprised that gay folks still continue to live in these backwards states.

[Sjofn]

I blame you guys for the fact that I picked up indian tonight for dinner, even if it was delicious.  Peer pressure is bad.

You're always blaming others! Always! <sob>

[Ironwood]

The Smiley Dinosaur.

[Cyrrex]

I blame you guys for the fact that I picked up indian tonight for dinner, even if it was delicious.  Peer pressure is bad.

You're always blaming others! Always! <sob>

Stop that crying before I really give you something to cry about!

Merusk - that's just too much for you to deal with alone, for you and for her.  She needs to talk to a pro.  Even then, you probably still need to consider if being in that relationship is good for either of you.  Is there any reasonable way for you to cut her off from the money and have her agree to it?  An allowance, like Morat mentioned?  Pretty drastic, but sounds like the minimum that you should do.

[Lantyssa]

Um, why?

Also, I figure that most healthy marriages argue about the "I don't know" problem.  It's tough to be inventive for 10-40 years.  

Partly I'm poking fun.  Partly I have no love interest at the moment.  Partly it's as Strazos says.

It wouldn't be recognized at all.  We'd be nothing more than unrelated co-habitating individuals as far as the state is concerned.

As for why here?  My job was/is here (Acony never got back to me. ).  I grew up here.  My family and friends are here.  The big cities are more liberal and I grew up "Texas conservative" which once upon a time was very different than kill-all-the-gays conservatism that's swept the country.  If I got into a long term relationship then I'd consider moving to someplace friendlier to our needs, but right now it's not even an issue.

I also have this silly notion of fighting to improve the plight of my friends who are here.  It's tougher to care about when you're someplace that respects you.

[ghost]

One of my college roommates is gay and he and his partner just moved from NYC to Cincinnati and therefore just missed their shot.  I guess in my mind there's other reasons to be married other than the benefits you might get from the state government. 

Anyway, I totally respect the concept of fighting the good fight.  Thankfully there seems to be a wave going through the US now of legalization of gay marriage.  Hopefully it will continue, but I suspect Tejas will be one of the last places to fall.  I've been surprised before though, and Austin is refreshingly liberal about such notions. 

[HaemishM]

Ron White says, "You can't fix stupid." When it comes to marriage, YOU can't fix fucking crazy either. Hell, most SHRINKS can't fix crazy even with drugs and years of therapy, because the crazy is usually HARD-FUCKING-WIRED. That's the thing about marriage. You better have a courtship long enough to figure out what kind of crazy your future spouse is, because you need to realize that whatever it is, you will be living with it FOREVER. That's why I suggest living together for no less than a year before tying the knot. You ain't going to fix her/his crazy in all the years you are together, so if you can't live with it, get the fuck out early.

Or in Merusk's case, get the fuck out late. Once you have kids, its infinitely harder to just say "screw you guys, I'm going home!" My internet suggestion if you aren't willing to get the fuck out? Remove her from all your joint accounts. Make her get her own account in her name not connected to you in anyway, let her cash her own checks and really make that "your money/my money" split. It sucks monkey ass, but it may be the only way to save your marriage.

[Morat20]

Y'all are almost making me glad I can't get married.

Um, why?

Also, I figure that most healthy marriages argue about the "I don't know" problem.  It's tough to be inventive for 10-40 years. 

We certainly do. It turns out that "I don't know" isn't really the discussion. The discussion is really about how far out of your way you're willing to drive, whose willing to order, and what you're sick of and don't want.

It's only been in the last year or two that we've sorted that out and stop having the "I don't know" debate and boiled down to "What are you willing to stop for" followed by "list of places that are more descriptive of how much effort I'm willing to take, followed by a few things I'm sick of" followed by "Okay, then Get X and I'll order it".

Haemish: Everyone's crazy. Relationships -- and therapy -- are about how much crazy you can tolerate and how to adjust for it. Then again, there's everyday crazy and there's bunny-boiling crazy. :)

[Murgos]

Make her get her own account in her name not connected to you in anyway, let her cash her own checks and really make that "your money/my money" split.

We do this.  Mostly though it's because we are both pretty independent people not through any scheme to handle responsibilities.  I make a lot more money so I pay all the utilities and we split the rent & food & vacations.  She pays for her car, clothes and whatever and I pay for my shit and we both maintain separate retirement and savings funds.

Things will probably have to change once we have kids but for now it's fine.

[IainC]

One of my college roommates is gay and he and his partner just moved from NYC to Cincinnati and therefore just missed their shot.  I guess in my mind there's other reasons to be married other than the benefits you might get from the state government.

Not speaking for Lantyssa here but for most, it's not so much the benefits you get from the state government, but rather the rights you don't have if you aren't married. The tax breaks, ability to put your partner on yoru health insurance and so on may be the most visible but they aren't the most important. Powers of attorney in traumatic emergency situations, intestate succession, heck even visiting rights in hospitals are all generally tied to legal marital status.

[ghost]

Oh, I understand the shittiness of not getting all those benefits.  I was talking about more from the relationship standpoint.  You know, true love and all that bullshit.

[Nebu]

After seeing how shitty a divorce can be for a man in the US (particularly with children involved), I see absolutely no reason to ever get married again.  Anyone I have a relationship with will be employed and have their own benefits.  I can set up most any legal constructs that I wish by hiring an attorney to draw up the agreement.  I have no plans to ever have more children (and will soon make this a surgical certainty).  If a woman wishes to end a relationship with me because of my preference to avoid marriage, then the relationship was likely doomed anyway.  

[Merusk]

One of my college roommates is gay and he and his partner just moved from NYC to Cincinnati

 

Good lord.. why?  WHY?  I can hardly think of a less gay-friendly Midwest city. (Although I'm sure there are)  Everyone I've discovered to be gay outside of college has felt the need to remain closeted or at least close-mouthed.

[Sky]

or at least close-mouthed.

That sounds limiting.

[ghost]

One of my college roommates is gay and he and his partner just moved from NYC to Cincinnati

 

Good lord.. why?  WHY?  I can hardly think of a less gay-friendly Midwest city. (Although I'm sure there are)  Everyone I've discovered to be gay outside of college has felt the need to remain closeted or at least close-mouthed.

His partner got a job that doubled his salary, so with the 50% drop in living expenses it was a no brainer. 

[Merusk]

Now I'm curious Merusk - looking back, how much of this sort of stuff do you think you should have been able to foresee? I have no idea how long you two went out before marrying.

Hindsight is always 20/20. I couldn't have foreseen the problems back then without the knowledge I now have both in terms of people and her specifically.  That's life.  All you can do is try to minimize problems by looking for compatibility, and you can only do that by maximizing dates or people you know.

That said, I knew her for 3 years before we got married. None of this was apparent at the time (Well other than the bi suspicion but I'm ok with that) and she was actually doing ok with money for about 5 years. (And was actually the most responsible person in her family for a good while.)  I don't know when things changed exactly but this money madness has been happening off and on since our daughter was 3.  I've told her I know about the P.O box and the med. bills and given her an ultimatum, find a therapist or find an attorney. We'll see what happens from here.

Thanks for the support, folks.

His partner got a job that doubled his salary, so with the 50% drop in living expenses it was a no brainer. 

Only a 50% drop? They must be living in one of the really nice cities like Indian Hill or Wyoming. In that event, I agree.

[Paelos]

It's always a no-brainer until you realize that you're in Ohio. That's a depressing moment, there.

[ghost]

I don't know when things changed exactly but this money madness has been happening off and on since our daughter was 3.

Sounds a lot like depression to me.