Useless Conversation

[Fraeg]

Oh so we are here now  

I moved back to CA from NM when I was 39 and spent the next several years focusing on career, bought a house, fixing up said house. Reestablishing connections, working on my on again off again love affair with the bottle, and in short got tunnel vision.  Turned 44 and was like woah.... I haven't dated since I was in my 30s.  Met a woman, hung out with her and it was about as complicated as it gets.  Single mother of 3 teenagers, getting her doctorate, and working full time.  What I didn't clue into early on was:  

A) I was going about it all wrong
B) not only was her life complicated but she was a very complicated person as well
C) I completely overlooked B) because Boobies and she is a lot of fun and very attractive.

Flash forward many months and Here is where I am at:

A) what I need to be doing is simply meeting people in my age bracket (now 45) who want to go do things, who make time to go do things, rafting, hiking, biking, kayaking, etc.  I want to go do things (like I did in my 30s before the bottle grabbed the steering wheel for too many years).  The mistake I made was focusing on "must find Girlfriend ASAP".

B) Her life is complicated, but through her I have met some of her friends, and with my newfound approach I am meeting more people who want to go do the things I am interested (hell went on a 6 hour hike with one of her female friends on the Marin Headlands the other weekend. Purely platonic but making those connections is what I need).

C) Take care of myself and my house.  Down over 60 pounds, do yoga and workout in the morning 2x a week.  Road Bike 3x a week (getting back into MTN as well), Hike or whitewater kayak on weekends.   I am doing the things I want to be doing and meeting people along the way who have similar interests.

D) I will meet somebody at some point but the important thing is being consistent and keeping up the momentum.  About 25 more pounds I want to lose.  I know this is so obvious but man when you are happy with yourself and doing things you enjoy other people pick up on that and react positively to it.


tl;dr - I got my ass in gear, lost over 60 pounds, instead of focusing on Get Girlfriend Now! I am focusing on Do The Things I Want To Be Doing... and meet cool people along the way.  I was 310 fucking pounds last December.  I am in the 240s now.  want to be in the 225 range ( I am a big blacksmith build kinda guy so 225 is a decent weight for me).

*edit* and yeah being able to talk to someone who I don't want to stab in the eye is a big one. Dating pool in my area is tough. College town people in their 40s are there with a family, or just passing through the University for a few years then headed out of area.  

[WayAbvPar]

Yeah, sense of humor is a must. And finding someone who can keep up with mine is...challenging. I'm serious when I need to be, which is...not often.

Oddly, we do better in tough situations and when things are good is when we get strained.

My wife and I watched Snatch together on PPV for our second date. She laughed at all the right spots, which was a huge plus in her column.

[schild]

This thread has gotten crazy

Find an other that:
Enjoys or tolerates what you enjoy, and vice versa. The cultural things, the little things. Shallows as it is, thats the shit that actually matters.
Wont kill you in your sleep.

Why is this so complex?

[WayAbvPar]

https://youtu.be/xkq5BraESgY?t=75

That works too =)

[Sky]

My wife and I watched Snatch together on PPV for our second date. She laughed at all the right spots, which was a huge plus in her column.

This is genius, that's a great litmus type of movie.

I once recommended it to a coworker, saying it's maybe my favorite movie. She came back and said 'it was nice' and kept looking at me funny for a week.

[lamaros]

This thread has gotten crazy

Find an other that:
Enjoys or tolerates what you enjoy, and vice versa. The cultural things, the little things. Shallows as it is, thats the shit that actually matters.
Wont kill you in your sleep.

Why is this so complex?

Life can be hard. It's easy when it's easy, but. You know. Things change, people might change. Who knows.

What you've said above applies to me and my partner as individuals. But 5 years of anxiety/depression/anorexia/general fucking stress and now chronic fatigue syndrome. Could have fallen apart a few times now. Still could.

[Abagadro]

You know. Things change, people might change.

Hairstyles change...interest rates fluctuate.

[lamaros]

You know. Things change, people might change.

Hairstyles change...interest rates fluctuate.

You speak the truth.

[Fraeg]

https://youtu.be/xkq5BraESgY?t=75

That works too =)

I chuckled.  :D

[Abagadro]

You know. Things change, people might change.

Hairstyles change...interest rates fluctuate.

You speak the truth.

https://youtu.be/tr7He6Xh7X0?t=1m10s

[schild]

This thread has gotten crazy

Find an other that:
Enjoys or tolerates what you enjoy, and vice versa. The cultural things, the little things. Shallows as it is, thats the shit that actually matters.
Wont kill you in your sleep.

Why is this so complex?

Life can be hard. It's easy when it's easy, but. You know. Things change, people might change. Who knows.

What you've said above applies to me and my partner as individuals. But 5 years of anxiety/depression/anorexia/general fucking stress and now chronic fatigue syndrome. Could have fallen apart a few times now. Still could.

When you agree on the little things, the rest is solvable, I've found. Basically the exact opposite of what the previous generation tried to instill which is pretty par for the course given they're a bunch of fuckin assholes that won't retire and work harder, not smarter.

But for real, when you break up with someone, you pick apart their myriad of flaws. It's a load of shit. Everyone has flaws. When you're adding shit like "does not like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the original movie" to the list of reasons something wouldn't work out - well, that's the real shit that mattered.

There's nothing less attractive than bad taste. I can tolerate a frumpy looking psychopath  if we can find a common ground like "Joss Whedon hates women but tried really fucking hard to hide it."

Edit: take pack rats and serial shoppers for instance. It's not that they're keeping too much stuff, it's just that the stuff their keeping isn't fucking gold bars. It's always literal garbage. If they had a room full of diamonds, no one would be saying "Jesus, what a pack rat." Or serial shoppers, the problem is they both can't afford and are buying shit. No one looks at rich woman who are always shopping and say "man, she has a shopping issue." They say "boy, who'd she marry" or "where'd she get that money," if we're feeling less sexist. Taste. Taste is everything.

[calapine]

.

[Polysorbate80]

Why do I let the doctor talk me into a flu shot, when I know I'm going to be up all night feeling like I've been kicked in the arm by a horse?

[Chimpy]

Why do I let the doctor talk me into a flu shot, when I know I'm going to be up all night feeling like I've been kicked in the arm by a horse?

I didn't really even notice mine. I guess I already got the autisms from vaccines so the side effects don't hit me 

[Merusk]

Shit; it's that time of year isn't it. New company doesn't offer them since we're so distributed. I guess I'll have to go hunt them down locally this year since I missed last year.

[Sir T]

I've just got mine. and usually feel achy for a couple of weeks afterwards. Better than my yearly feel like death flu though

[Paelos]

I bowled in a league once. I was terrible but it was fun. County fairs, fun (not every year though). Camping, done with that. Don't hunt but love to eat game so appreciate those who do. Those are class things? I thought they were just things. What are the high class things? Sitting in cafes sketching?

Around the south those are country things. Not saying people in the cities don't do some of them, but they rarely do all of them, and they usually don't do them in trucks with nuts on the back.

High class things? Small plate restaurants, fancy festivals with wine pairings where you can get hammered but while in a nice pair of $200 slacks and a button up from Peter Millar, the society for the Arts or the Symphony, going to resorts for the weekends, golfing at private clubs, generally being in private clubs, shopping in stores with a personal shopper instead of online, anything involving boats or lakes that's not fishing related and where you didn't have to load your boat in the water that day from your own truck.

[Merusk]

OR: Doing those "country" things as a laugh or a "let's try something new" adventure. All while in several-thousands-of-dollars worth of gear you might only use once every few years instead of regularly.

[HaemishM]

So I know this kind of conversation has gone on many times, but if I were to move anywhere in the US and wanted someplace that wasn't a shithole (I have lived in Mississippi all my life), where would I move? I have a number of places on my "not even for great money" list but since I'm seriously getting tired as fuck of this goddamn shithole state, I'd love to hear thoughts on places since all of you have lived elsewhere than here.

[Merusk]

It's Mississippi. ANYWHERE is a step-up; even Wyoming. That's saying something.

That said, what do you do for a living and what does the wife do? That will drive places suggested more than anything.

[Stewie]

I would say come to Vancouver, but you specifically said "anywhere in the US" and there is the whole immigration thingy.

Also there is this: http://digg.com/2017/most-unaffordable-housing-markets

That being said Seattle seems like its a pretty good progressive city that embraces nerd culture. (Which I am assuming may appeal to you)

[schild]

So I know this kind of conversation has gone on many times, but if I were to move anywhere in the US and wanted someplace that wasn't a shithole (I have lived in Mississippi all my life), where would I move? I have a number of places on my "not even for great money" list but since I'm seriously getting tired as fuck of this goddamn shithole state, I'd love to hear thoughts on places since all of you have lived elsewhere than here.

Given your general state of being, the answer here is legit Detroit.

[Nebu]

So I know this kind of conversation has gone on many times, but if I were to move anywhere in the US and wanted someplace that wasn't a shithole (I have lived in Mississippi all my life), where would I move? I have a number of places on my "not even for great money" list but since I'm seriously getting tired as fuck of this goddamn shithole state, I'd love to hear thoughts on places since all of you have lived elsewhere than here.

If you like culture, the only choices are the coast (east or west) and Chicago.

If you like the outdoors; CO, UT, CA or WA would be my choice (Asheville, NC would be the east coast version).

For me it's about maintaining an active lifestyle in a place I can afford the cost of living.  I'd love to live between SF and Vancouver, but doubt I could ever afford it.

EDIT: I've lived all over the country if you want specifics. 

[HaemishM]

It's Mississippi. ANYWHERE is a step-up; even Wyoming. That's saying something.

That said, what do you do for a living and what does the wife do? That will drive places suggested more than anything.

Alabama is not a step up. Texas (Austin and Houston excepted) is not a step up. Not even remotely. Louisiana is not a step up. Florida is most definitely not a step up.

My day job is designing web sites, with a bit of video editing experience, lots of Photoshop, digital marketing type shit.

[schild]

It's Mississippi. ANYWHERE is a step-up; even Wyoming. That's saying something.

That said, what do you do for a living and what does the wife do? That will drive places suggested more than anything.

Alabama is not a step up. Texas (Austin and Houston excepted) is not a step up. Not even remotely. Louisiana is not a step up. Florida is most definitely not a step up.

wrong wrong wrong

an estonian ghetto is a step up

[Sky]

If you like the outdoors; CO, UT, CA or WA would be my choice (Asheville, NC would be the east coast version).

For me it's about maintaining an active lifestyle in a place I can afford the cost of living.

No love for central NY? The Adirondacks are amazing, tons of lakes and rivers, our own wine country (Finger Lakes), still enough population you can catch most tours/shows and NYC is always a reasonable driving distance for big stuff. Cheap cost of living and you can get some beautiful old houses from period Craftsman and Federalist to Victorians and Queen Annes.

[HaemishM]

If you're talking about actual cities, maybe Alabama is a step up (though I've been to Birmingham and no, it is not). New Orleans is great place to visit, but I wouldn't live there. There is no place in Florida I consider even a remote destination for anything but West Nile Virus susceptibility and diverse meth selection. I've been to Memphis and it's northern New Orleans. I've come to learn that I could not live in rural areas anymore, nor in smaller cities than Jackson (population around 175k, with the surrounding suburbs the metro area has 500k+). Which narrows the search down a bit - it's not like I'm headed to the Dakotas, Montana, Wyoming or Idaho - there's nothing in those places I could actually call a place I want to live.

As for the Estonian Ghetto, do they have fiber?  

[01101010]

If you're talking about actual cities, maybe Alabama is a step up (though I've been to Birmingham and no, it is not). New Orleans is great place to visit, but I wouldn't live there. There is no place in Florida I consider even a remote destination for anything but West Nile Virus susceptibility and diverse meth selection. I've been to Memphis and it's northern New Orleans. I've come to learn that I could not live in rural areas anymore, nor in smaller cities than Jackson (population around 175k, with the surrounding suburbs the metro area has 500k+). Which narrows the search down a bit - it's not like I'm headed to the Dakotas, Montana, Wyoming or Idaho - there's nothing in those places I could actually call a place I want to live.

As for the Estonian Ghetto, do they have fiber?  

I loved living on South Beach when I was there. Weather can get nuts, but other than that... it was pleasant. California was nice, but cost of living is a huge turn off. Louisiana I had my fill of when I was down there for grad school. I'd enjoy a visit, but not going to be living there...ever. Strangely, I enjoyed visits to Baltimore given its location to everything - dunno about living there though. Wife lived in Portland, OR and thinks of it the same as I think of Louisiana. YMMV.

I would love to move to Colorado - this coming from a person who genuinely hates cold weather, but something about that state (Denver / Boulder area mostly) just calms my nerves every time I visit.

[naum]

So I know this kind of conversation has gone on many times, but if I were to move anywhere in the US and wanted someplace that wasn't a shithole (I have lived in Mississippi all my life), where would I move? I have a number of places on my "not even for great money" list but since I'm seriously getting tired as fuck of this goddamn shithole state, I'd love to hear thoughts on places since all of you have lived elsewhere than here.

I haven't traveled much over past decade but when I was I got to spend significant chunks of time in various parts of U.S., & my favorite & least favorite locations (if I were to depart from Arizona):

- Seattle, downtown, not across the sound or further east, but it probably cost prohibitive for most

- Miami, yeah, Florida is a shithole but I still would love living in Miami, close to beach or in Coral Gables

- Denver, would like to be downtown here, with best of what urban location can offer, but a short drive into mountains & other great outdoor fare

- Minneapolis / St. Paul, if you can handle the cold weather months

- San Diego, but only if I can be a stone's throw away from water, which makes it just as / more cost prohibitive than Seattle even

Least favorite:

- Birmingham/Alabama, pretty country but that's probably the only good thing about it

- Tulsa, OK, land is cheap here, but I would hate living here, it is just all around backwards

- Las Vegas NV / Reno/Carson City NV, nice to visit casinos but living next to them just not for me

[Chimpy]

Haemish, sent you a job posting you might be interested in on discord.

[Soln]

I would say come to Vancouver, but you specifically said "anywhere in the US" and there is the whole immigration thingy.

Also there is this: http://digg.com/2017/most-unaffordable-housing-markets

That being said Seattle seems like its a pretty good progressive city that embraces nerd culture. (Which I am assuming may appeal to you)

May I say as a Canadian living in Seattle, no fucking way?

Seattle housing is tough and getting tougher.  Portland may still be viable and has a great culture.

[Merusk]

Voodoolilly and my sister both live in Portland.  From their Facebook posts it evidently is not the city it once was, as too many folks have migrated there for the culture but *really* didn't want to be 'weird.' Also there's a strong underground white nationalist movement as  Portland is among the whitest places in the country.

So, nah.

I'm probably moving to Pittsburgh in the near future. I have a line on possible work for CMU, and the city is getting a huge tech makeover. Google,  Facebook, Apple, and Uber have offices and rumors of Amazon doing the same. Looks to be fun.

[schild]

Portland has other issues as well.

There's a huge financial disparity issue. Also the townies are getting uppity because their precious city is changing. Meh.

Still better than MS.

I stand by my recommendation of Detroit.

[rattran]

Northwest and West coast are too crowded, New England is too expensive, Chicago/Illinois is a financial basket case. The SouthEast has all turned into greater Florida in weather. Eastern slope Colorado is nice but crowded. KC, Mo isn't bad for tech, but some of the bleedover from Kansas is having an effect. Michigan is headed to the shit again, as is Wisconsin due to insane government. No one should ever have to live near Ohio. The upper western midwest winters are harsh, and so are summers.

That said, many places will be at least differently horrible than Mississippi.

[schild]

New England isn't too expensive. It just blows ass completely and totally.