Serious Topic: Death, Funerals, and Grieving

[stray]

I don't know why I'm asking strangers over the Internet a question like this, but I figured you guys would have intelligent enough answers.

My grandmother died yesterday, and I'm flying off for her funeral in a couple of hours. This would be my first attendance at a funeral ever. It's not that people have never died in my lifetime...I think I've probably seen a lot of death for someone my age (Long story, but I used to be in a gang. It'll do that to you), but could never bring myself to attend funerals before. I figured it's best if I attend this one.

What's bothering me is that I don't even feel any sadness. Whether it was for friends, or in my grandmother's case. Is there something wrong with me? As for my grandmother, I truly believe she's in a better place. I'm not sure what to grieve about. She lived 90 years, an honest life, very, very devout. I truly believe she's rewarded for eternity.

In my friends' cases, I was just pissed off. There were about 20 over the years, not every one of them was really close, but a few were. Still, I feel strange for not crying even once. Maybe because they all were meaningless deaths? Like I said, I was pissed, both at them, and the ones who killed them.

I can understand crying if it's for the loss of someone's (innocent) life cut short. I really can. Like a child's, a victim, someone cut short by a disease. Fortunately, I never been faced with that situation (and it's inevitable that I will someday). In my grandmother's case though, I can't understand it. Yet, I feel so damn guilty about it. I'm not sure if it's pressure from those around me, or that I really do have a cold soul, and feel bad about that.

When I look at books about death and dying, they always have titles like "Dealing with Your Loss" or something like that. Is that what all the crying is for? Ourselves? Not for the person who died?

There was a situation I ran into when I was younger, where I truly walked away from staring Death in the face. What's worse is that I think I may have brushed into him again several years ago. I guess there may be tons written about that subject (I've seen Fearless anyhow. Maybe I'm not cold, just a little like that guy). I'm know I'm not morbid for sure, because I can still appreciate all the good things in life. But I'm just not afraid, sorrowful, and confused like I know I should be.

Anyways, I probably won't read any replies until next week. I'll be in Seattle. Sorry to get all gloomy, but it's shit I just had to get off my chest at the moment. Everyone else is asleep.

[TripleDES]

Why should someone feel bad for something that was bound to happen? She wasn't called your "grandma" for nothing. People get old and then die, not something I'd cry a river for. And it's also not my problem if others can't deal with the way life goes.

The few times I feel sad is when people die because of someone else's fault or of some terminal disease. That's about it. I caught already lots of flak in the past when I was being cynical about a few friends of mine that chose to speed like morons and then hugged trees with their cars or bikes. Hell, I won't feel sorry for someone intentionally putting his life at risk and then losing it.

But a lot of people might hate you if you don't share the same emotions like they do in a case of death. Seen that before. However the last thing to do is to excuse yourself for being rational.

And stuff.

[Kenrick]

Death doesn't always have to be something to grieve... About seven years ago my grandmother passed away, but to put it bluntly she'd been "gone" for years prior.  She had at least one massive stroke and couldn't even remember who her own children were, much less grandchildren like myself.  She was living as a shell of her old self, rotting away in a hospice.  Visiting her, however much I loved her, was always torture, having to see her that way.  When she finally did pass, it was "sad" in a sense but at the same time it was hard to be upset that she'd died.  There was mourning, but at the same time there was almost a sense of relief and happiness that she was finally free and happy.

I've also lost friends and family, unexpectedly, and at untimely ages.  That is a whole different matter.

I guess the bottom line is:  however you feel is how you feel.  No need to feel guilty for feeling a certain way or that you "should" be feeling a different way.

[Riggswolfe]

Not to sound trite but people deal with things like this in different ways. Without knowing details about your past it sounds to me like maybe you've sort of shut those parts of you down as a sort of protective measure. If you live in a situation where death is always nearby(IE a gang) you learn those kinds of survival traits.

When my uncle died I didn't shed a tear simply because I never knew him really. I felt bad for my family who was missing him, but I didn't really have a very emotional reaction.

When my grandfather died when I was 16 it was a very different story. He went quick. He was only in his mid-60's. In the span of a few short months he died from a cancer noone knew he had.

You asked an interesting question about tears and such being for the person crying them and not for the person who died. I suppose in a way that's true, they're partly about missing that person, etc.

In any case, I don't know if this helped or not, but these are my thoughts.

[SirBruce]

You should not feel bad or worry that you don't cry or don't feel particularly great sadness for your loss.  People deal with death different ways, and if your grandmother was not that close, it's quite understandable that you don't feel personal grief.

My grandma (father's side) died when I was about 12, and that was my first big funeral.  I didn't cry for her.  I think I was more uncertain about just what to do.  I didn't go up front to see her in the casket, perhaps from fear, which is something I've later regretted.

My grandfather (mother's side) died after I had just moved to California and it wasn't really feasible for me to leave work to go to the funeral.  We were not particularly close, either, but I do miss not being able to talk to him.  He was a D-Day WW2 vet and I'd love to ask him more about that, if he'd talk about it, and to talk about Cardinals baseball games, which he used to love to watch on tv and listen to on the radio.

My father's death was particularly difficult.  I didn't really go through the "stages of dying", or if I did, it took about 60 seconds.  The hard part was that I took it upon myself to make all the arrangements and decisions in the funeral planning.  I didn't weep for him until the very end, when the bagpiper played Amazing Grace.  But I've always found music is great for eliciting emotion.  Anyway, a large part of that was the release of stress as well as grief.

Anyway, I would encourage everyone right now: DO YOUR FUNERAL/ESTATE PLANNING.  I don't just mean your will, although that's important.  But also make sure you make a living will, and you write down all the details of how you want your funeral handled.  And afterwards, make sure you tell all your friends and family what those wishes are, so there won't be any dispute after the fact.  They will have enough to deal with after your death without needing the stress of additional conflict and trying to decide what you would have wanted, to honor you.

Bruce

[kaid]

It really depends alot on the person and the situation. In your grandmas case she lived to a ripe old age there is not much to be sad about when somebody lives a rich full life and then passes naturally.


For myself I kinda shocked many friends when I went to work like normal the day my father died. My dad had battled with various bouts of cancer for about 10 years and when he finally passed I was relieved. He was a tough man who hung on to life with both hands but he was in so much pain and suffered for so long that at the end he went very fast while at his home. His greatest fear was dying in a hospital and so when he passed away at home it was a kindness.

I felt grief and anger for a long time while my dad was alive but little to none when he passed away. Death for him was an end to his pain and suffering and not something to be feared nor grieved by.

Edit

Oh I forgot I echo Sirbruces comment about funeral planning. That was one of the more ghoulish encounters with humanity I ever had to deal with when I made the arrangements for my dad. I have to say the funeral homes in my town are just about the cheesiest borderline offensive things I have ever seen. Having some guy trying to hock his uber caskets or his real authorized packer helmet urn made me want to start smacking folks around. Also if you want to donate organs please make your hand writing clear trust me the folks making arangements do not want to think about if you wanted your eyes donated to science or not.



Every situation is different and reaction to them all will be different. I wouldn't be to worried about your reaction or lack of reaction to this point. If you truly had something to worry about you would never even bother to ask yourself the questions you are asking.


Kaid

[HaemishM]

Grieving, tears, that is something for the living, not the dying. It's a mechanism for dealing with the pain and loss. If you don't feel it, you just don't feel it, and forcing it on yourself, or having guilt about it does no good.

You have to honor the memory of the person who died in your way. If that's crying, so be it. If it's not, well, those people who are bawling away WILL need a strong shoulder to cry on. Some people are made to be "strong" in these circumstances, and others just aren't. Feeling guilty because you feel or think a certain way is a waste of good guilt.

The sadness if for the living. The dead have gone on to a better place, a final rest.

[UD_Delt]

In my opinion grief is a very selfish emotion. Not to say that I don't experience it or anything, but the reason you are grieving is for the loss of the person you cared for. Sometimes, that grief can be outweighed by the relief you feel that the person is no longer suffering. In those cases you've usually already prepared yourself for the enventual so the loss isn't as great as it would be when someone dies unexpectedly.

Personally I like Kahlil Gibran's writings in this area:

http://www.globusz.com/ebooks/Prophet/00000018.htm">On Joy and Sorrow

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

    When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

http://www.globusz.com/ebooks/Prophet/00000026.htm">On Pain

http://www.globusz.com/ebooks/Prophet/00000037.htm">On Death

[Azaroth]

My take is that it doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with you right now. You're removed.

However, my grandfather died recently. Watching my uncles tear up over losing their father, and trying to be strong for my father who is one of the strongest men I've ever met, was a bit too much for me at times. If you can sit beside your grieving parent who just lost their mother during the funeral and feel nothing - there might be something wrong with you.
 
Nobody is terribly emotional the entire time, or before, but there are some points that you have to go through that are decidedly quite moving.

Not my place to judge. Just my opinion ^^

[Dark Vengeance]

I haven't read the responses, so I may be restating the obvious. Funerals aren't for the dead, but for the living.

If that means saying goodbye, or being angry, or bawling your eyes out, or feeling sorry about the fact that this person is now gone from your life, or feeling bad about things they missed out on, or just remembering the deceased and celebrating their life, or any combination of the above....it's completely up to you. Everyone deals with death in their own way.

But aside from any religious rites performed at the burial site, the funeral service, eulogies, etc are for the survivors.

Bring the noise.
Cheers.............

[geldonyetich]

Haven't attended any funerals myself.   They'll probably all hit at me at once, which I don't terribly look forward to.   I fear not for the one in the casket/urn/ect: their problems (at least in this mortal coil) are over.  Rather, I fear coming face to face with the reaper's handywork firsthand.

Why death in the first place?    It has been suggested that death makes life worth living, for without it life isn't nearly as precious.   Sure, that works, in much the same way that limiting the diamond supply makes diamonds more precious.  

It's probably fair to say that powers that be have an interesting sense of humor.   It hurts less to laugh along with the comic irony of a definate end being posed to life than to obsess over it.   I'm told that as you get older this becomes less a concern than when you're younger.

To cope with stress, one highly recommended approach (at least by my shrink) is to maintain mindfulness.    Living in the moment as opposed to dwelling on things you have no control over creates a much more productive atmosphere for living life.    I can recommend a book along those lines.

[stray]

I appreciate the advice guys. It helps balancing out the opinions I usually hear (not that I'm one to be too concerned with what others may think, but with subjects like this, especially when it's family related, it's hard not to question my own thoughts). At least I know that I'm not entirely alone on the matter. Just a different way of dealing with things I guess.

Anyways, I had to cut my trip short, and didn't attend the funeral service, only the memorial (Heh, I had to come back home because the dogs weren't eating. Goes to show where my real priorities are). Still, I'm glad I took the time to fly up there and pay my respect, even if I couldn't stay long.

The only pain I'm feeling now is from the trip back (Being 6'6" and riding coach in a 737 has totally fucked my back. Not to mention the rollercoaster ride on the way back to Texas -- There were thunderstorms all the way through). Also, I had another taste of "Homeland Security", and was set aside for "special attention". This time leaving the Seattle airport. Kind of embarrassing, but no big deal I guess. Not the first time it's happened either, and probably not the last. I guess Thai/Danish= Arab? (I think next time I'll wear my "Fearless Iranians from Hell: Die for Allah" t-shirt, maybe have some fun with 'em).

[Paelos]

Hehe, wear that kind of shirt and the man with the rubber glove has some fun with you. Sick Homeland Security bastards.