Going Postal on Uwe Boll

[stray]

Kick him in the shin? :D

Might as well bite his ear then.

[schild]

Nope. Don't want the UWEBOLLS.

[Righ]

Might as well bring a taser and see how he reacts to 50,000 volts if you want to play that way. I mean, that would be amusing.

[stray]

I shocked myself with a taser once. Uwe Boll's threshold of pain doesn't have shit on me!

But of course, it could just mean that I'm actually more stupid than him as well. 

[WindupAtheist]

I said one thing. But more than that, there's an amount of rage that these people didn't hit before they fight. you could see it in them, they were scared. Uwe was scared. No one has a record. No one knew what to expect. You have to go in with a hatred spawned from a thousand suns. It's a boxing ring. You go in NOT TO FIGHT FAIR. You go straight for the kill. Kick him in the shin. Punch him in the throat. Do it for the good of man, not because the guy makes good movies. Some people don't deserve to breed.

That's what you have to go in with. Those people - no killer instinct. Anyway, yea.

Being scared shitless is indeed a sure path to defeat, but "hatred spawned from a thousand suns" is hardly a substitute for training.  A pissed-off boxer usually just gets his ass kicked all the harder by a calm one.

[stray]

Not to sound corny or "tough", but learning not to stress out was the biggest and hardest lesson I learned about fighting. The only times I ever got my ass kicked was because of timidity. Anger or ferocity are a crutch easily used against those who don't want to fight you in the first place, but when fighting someone who really isn't afraid of you, you need a clear head. You need to picture the fight as almost a casual ordeal in your mind.

[Fabricated]

Boxing lessons wouldn't hurt either. Getting hit in the face with boxing gloves hurts damn near as much if not more than getting hit with a bare fist, and the gloves allow the other person to punch you in a face a LOT without fucking their hands up. Boxing is an endurance sport as far as I'm concerned. There's a reason you see all those doughy catchers in the fights leading up to the big ticket bouts just falling all over eachother after a few rounds; boxing is some tough shit.

Also, knowing how to hit someone right on the button is always good to know. Uwe Boll may have mushed some faces in but if he was a better boxer the fights would've been over in a fraction of the short time they took. It takes very very little force to knock someone completely, utterly out cold if you do it just right. So little force it's almost fucking scary, because it's basically knocking your brain into the inside of your skull.

[schild]

Was I that unfair?

I meant Get So Angry You Don't Fight Fair. When you only get one chance to fix something in the world, you don't play by the rules.

Basically, the only reason none of those "critics" won, is because they don't care enough about movies. Having Lowtax as one of the contenders was missing the fucking point.

[HaemishM]

The point was to get people talking about Uwe Boll. He really doesn't give a shit what the Internet people say about him, but he does love the attention. I mean, let's face it, Alone in the Dark? Fucking Dungeon Siege? As movies? Who gives a fuck about that except geeks. And if geeks like me rent his movies or pay money to go see them, he wins, no matter how much nerd fury we unleash on the world about how genuinely shitty his movies are.

He makes money on the movies, and if we geeks didn't get so righteously indignant about the assraping he gives our beloved cinema, he likely would never get work again.

He's a fun verbal punching bag and I hope he KEEPS making shitty shit shitastic movies so I can keep writing about how shit shit shitty they are. There are few things so genuinely entertaining as watching the absolute trainwreck shittiness that his movies bring. It's like the anti-gourmand.

[WindupAtheist]

Was I that unfair?

I meant Get So Angry You Don't Fight Fair. When you only get one chance to fix something in the world, you don't play by the rules.

Basically, the only reason none of those "critics" won, is because they don't care enough about movies. Having Lowtax as one of the contenders was missing the fucking point.

If you just want to kick him in the nuts and laugh at his writhing pain-wracked body as you're disqualified from a match you don't care about, then I guess being SUPAR PISSED OFF ABOUT MOVIES is enough.  If you intend for the fight to come to any other conclusion, then you need to either learn to box or accept that you're going to get your ass kicked by someone who has learned to box.

[Righ]

If we're going to come to some conclusion as to the merits of Boll's boxing prowess, he'd have to entertain a real fight against somebody in his weight class as well, as you mentioned about fourteen hundred posts previously. Since that was never the intention, I think that nut kicking, tasers and arm-flapping are viable subjects for this circular discussion. And 'disqualified'? What the fuck? The ref was a Boll employee too, lest you be under some illusion that this was a real boxing match and not an opportunity to Boll to hurt a few idiots who signed legal waivers.

Yes, its funny that the withered geeks were conned into thinking that Boll was going to ham it up, and that they wouldn't get hit hard. The guy is a shithead, and they called him one on the web - they should have expected him to behave like one. However, the flip side of that is that with Boll clearly picking people he could beat to a pulp without any effort, its sad that none of them were as much of a shithead as he was, and none chose to do something unexpected and actually hurt the bastard. So its not unreasonable for a few people here to fantasize about it, much like you're doing about the boxing merits of the debacle.

[WindupAtheist]

If we're going to come to some conclusion as to the merits of Boll's boxing prowess, he'd have to entertain a real fight against somebody in his weight class as well, as you mentioned about fourteen hundred posts previously.

Not really.  We would need to see an evenly-matched fight to come to any detailed conclusions, but watching him pound that stubborn but overmatched cruiserweight in the fight immediately following the Lowtax debacle was enough for me to determine that he fights below the level of a shitty professional or good amateur, but above the level of a novice.

Since that was never the intention, I think that nut kicking, tasers and arm-flapping are viable subjects for this circular discussion. And 'disqualified'? What the fuck? The ref was a Boll employee too, lest you be under some illusion that this was a real boxing match and not an opportunity to Boll to hurt a few idiots who signed legal waivers.

Who cares?  There's still a referee, and he'll still end the fight if you start kicking Uwe in the nuts.

Yes, its funny that the withered geeks were conned into thinking that Boll was going to ham it up, and that they wouldn't get hit hard. The guy is a shithead, and they called him one on the web - they should have expected him to behave like one. However, the flip side of that is that with Boll clearly picking people he could beat to a pulp without any effort, its sad that none of them were as much of a shithead as he was, and none chose to do something unexpected and actually hurt the bastard. So its not unreasonable for a few people here to fantasize about it, much like you're doing about the boxing merits of the debacle.

My decision regarding the merits of the debacle is that a competent boxer could beat up Uwe Boll, but that really hating House of the Dead doesn't make up for not being a competent boxer.

[dusematic]

I'm with Uwe Boll on this one.  Is it lame he challenged his movie critics to a fight?  Yes.  But no more lame than the "hatred of a thousand suns" some people seem to have for a dude who just makes bad movies.  Christ almighty.  The fact that this instantly condensed into a "I COULD HAVE TOTALLY KCIKED HIS ASS" hubub is funny to me, since that's exactly what the other tools who got demolished were thinking to themselves.  It's personally been a dream of mine to kick half your asses, so bravo Uwe, bravo.  You have succeeded where I have failed.

[stray]

Hmm..

Did I miss something? Seems like you're taking this thread (and site) a bit personally. What happened?

[WindupAtheist]

Someone should totally have set Uwe up with a ringer.  If you're ForumTroll69 and Uwe Boll wants to fight you, well, does he know what you look like?  If you send your buddy the welterweight Golden Gloves champ to fight under your name, will Boll really know the difference before he's on the canvas bleeding?

These fucking "critics" all marched out there like lambs to the slaughter, with nary a low blow or dirty trick between the five of them.  Idiots.

[Signe]

Duse might be right but, to be perfectly honest, I could have TOTALLY kicked his ass.

Really. 

[Yoru]

Um.. you had to send a photo of yourself in along with your app, if I recall correctly. It's somewhere up at the top of the thread. This would be why Haem's avatar is of himself posing.

[WindupAtheist]

So?  Send in a picture of your boxer friend and say it's you.  Make sure he's a welterweight or something, not a big dude, and have him wuss it up in a baggy shirt with a picture of Spock on it.  Maybe have a really tall guy standing nearby to make him look smaller.

EDIT

Lowtax has a whiny article up on SA about how he was beaten up by a professional boxer.  So I hit up boxrec thinking maybe Uwe had a couple pro fights in his younger days.  There's no record of anyone with the last name Boll having been a professional boxer ever.  Hell, I can't even find evidence of him ever having competed in any actual sanctioned amateur bouts.  As far as I can tell, he's just one of those guys who goes to the gym and spars as a hobby.

Still, I don't know of any source as exhaustive as boxrec which follows the amateur ranks, so it's possible he's done some sanctioned amateur fighting and I just haven't found records of it yet.

[Ironwood]

*Clears Throat*


Who Cares ?

[WindupAtheist]

I do.  I'm Uwe's biggest fan.  I've never seen any of his movies (which can only help, from what I hear) but I enjoy his attempts to beat up the intarweb for making fun of him.   :-D

[Llava]

So?  Send in a picture of your boxer friend and say it's you.  Make sure he's a welterweight or something, not a big dude, and have him wuss it up in a baggy shirt with a picture of Spock on it.  Maybe have a really tall guy standing nearby to make him look smaller.

I get the impression that if he saw any muscle whatsoever, he'd turn down the application.  He clearly wasn't looking for good fights.

What gets me is that he promised training to those selected, but then never provided it.  That's no big deal if it's a PR Stunt, but then he goes on saying that these were about serious fights from the very beginning.  Okay, if they were serious fights then why did you choose people clearly no match for you and not provide the promised training?

[Azazel]

So?  Send in a picture of your boxer friend and say it's you.  Make sure he's a welterweight or something, not a big dude, and have him wuss it up in a baggy shirt with a picture of Spock on it.  Maybe have a really tall guy standing nearby to make him look smaller.

Didn't he fly them over to wherever he was? I was under the impression that you have to provide ID and shit in order to get on a plane these days? Maybe some ID to go with the waiver?

[WindupAtheist]

It's not like Uwe is checking ID at the airport.  At worst, just fly yourself out.  The waiver is a bit trickier though... hmm...

[dusematic]

I get the impression that if he saw any muscle whatsoever, he'd turn down the application.  He clearly wasn't looking for good fights.

What gets me is that he promised training to those selected, but then never provided it.  That's no big deal if it's a PR Stunt, but then he goes on saying that these were about serious fights from the very beginning.  Okay, if they were serious fights then why did you choose people clearly no match for you and not provide the promised training?

Dude, it's not complicated.  He just wanted to kick a bunch of shit talking pussies into the ground.  I mean Jesus, he said what he had to in order to get them in the ring and to legally kick their asses without being held liable.  He also got some free pub.  Ingenious.

[Miasma]

Lowtax has a whiny article up on SA about how he was beaten up by a professional boxer.

It's not a whiny article.  He basically made fun of himself, said it was a really stupid thing to do and didn't try to hide the fact that he got his ass kicked.

Regardless, this week I'm the biggest pansy in the entire world because I got beaten up by a boxer named "Uwe Boll" (that's pronounced "Oovah Boll" to all you folks who, for some unknown reason, want to say his name in public). How did this happen? Why on Earth did I agree to leave my comfortable, spacious basement and fly up to Vancouver with the sole purpose of having my crap kicked in by a professional crap kicker? I'm not exactly sure I can answer these questions in a form more eloquent than "durrr I'm stupid retarded dumb idiot go punchy fall down hurrr," but I will try to the best of my ability.

[Llava]

Dude, it's not complicated.  He just wanted to kick a bunch of shit talking pussies into the ground.  I mean Jesus, he said what he had to in order to get them in the ring and to legally kick their asses without being held liable.  He also got some free pub.  Ingenious.

So he's a sneaky, underhanded douche who has an alpha male complex and resolves disagreements by TYPING IN CAPS and beating shit up.  And we should applaud this?

If anything, I dislike him even more now.

[WindupAtheist]

It's not a whiny article.

Yes it is.  Characterizing pudgy forty-year old amateur Uwe Boll as a "professional boxer" is a blatant misrepresentation, especially given the disparity in ability between a dabbler like Uwe and even a lousy pro.  Any shitty unranked professional would dispatch Lowtax in about ten seconds, and Boll in about thirty.

[Signe]

Boxing is a stupid, stupid, stupid sport, in my opinion.  My grandfather was a pro fighter for years.  He was mean, too.  He beat up everything.  My gradmother, his kids (except his "pretty" daughter, the neighbours, strangers in pubs...  His nose was a mess.  I can't even describe what his ears looked like.  He was so mean that they wouldn't let him box anymore.  By that time, he was already crazy.  He smoked something like 6 packs of filterless cigs a day, drank vodka CONSTANTLY and still beat the shit out of anything he could find.  He had some sort of accident later in life that left his back a mess so he could barely walk, he had terrible emphysema and he was punchy almost all the time.  Anything could set him off, a shout, a bell, a baby crying....   He spent his last days sitting in a chair in front of the tv waiting for the next fight to come on... he would start swinging as soon as they rang the bell.  Please don't tell me there's nothing wrong with people who choose to get hit and hit other people in the head for a living.  Well, you can tell me but I won't believe you.   

PS  Uwe Boll might not be a boxer, but he's stupid like one.

[WindupAtheist]

Too bad he's dead.  You could sell him to the concerned families of EQ catasses.  Whenever they would level he'd hear "Ding!" and beat the shit out of them.

[Signe]

Too bad he's dead.  You could sell him to the concerned families of EQ catasses.  Whenever they would level he'd hear "Ding!" and beat the shit out of them.

Are you that insensitive?  I would NEVER sell my dear old grandpa.  Rent... that's another thing all together.

[Fabricated]

I am tired and bored.

[Zetleft]

[WindupAtheist]

Saved to hard drive... that's awesome.

[Fabricated]

I fail at colorization. Mike was just too dark a color to make convincingly white with Hue/Saturation in PS, so I just did the best I could.