Going Postal on Uwe Boll

[Murgos]

I wouldn't give him that much credit.  He seems like one of those people who thinks they are competent but really aren't.  At anything.

[HaemishM]

All his films have been profitable, even the shitty ones. So he can certainly afford boxing lessons if he feels threatened.

But really, I weigh a buck 44 on a good day. If he actually feels threatened by me or any other Internet critic, he has less balls than Laura Bush.

[Lantyssa]

If his confidence in his boxing skills are as well-founded as his ability to make good movies, he is in serious trouble.  I can only hope so.

[Righ]

I suppose we'll soon know. Apparently its going down tonight:

http://www.bollboxing.com/

He was supposed to be fighting five challengers, but apparently he already defeated some Spanish webhead called Carlos Palencia Jimenez-Arguello-Castro-Batista-Guevera-Sanchez-Pomposo-Ramires-Gonzales in an embarrasing match for all concerned:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjM2w5FOPQw

I guess Uwe was too strapped for cash to bring a European out to the Canadian gig. So, tonight he's fighting these people in Vancouver:

Richard "Lowtax" Kyanda, 30, 6'1", 155lbs, SA webhead
Jeff Sneider, 22, 5'9", 170lbs, web "journo"
Chris Alexander, 30, 5'1", 180lbs, radio jock
Nelson Chance Minter, 17, 5'7", 155lbs, some forum troll

In some countries, like Canada perhaps, where the fight is, I'm pretty sure that 17 is a minor. Boll is claiming that these folks are as good as he could manage:

Boll is ready to take on even more people willing to fight, and his challenge remains on the table.

There are some critics who chickened out and didn’t follow through with their challenges.

However:

Your search - "Uwe Boll's first good movie" - did not match any documents.

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[Fabricated]

I hope he knocks Lowtax out to be honest. Because it would be funny.

[Strazos]

Wow, neither of those sissies could fight...but it was still damn funny, especially when the Spanish guy started to turn his back and turtle. He hardly even got hit.

[Signe]

I just watched Alone in the Dark for the first time tonight... well, nearly half of it.  It was so awful it made me cry.     I really wanted to watch it, too.  It has Christian Slater in it.. who I sort of like... and some other bloke who's name I forget but I like him, too.  Why was it so bad?  Why?   

[Abagadro]

Richard "Lowtax" Kyanda, 30, 6'1", 155lbs, SA webhead
Jeff Sneider, 22, 5'9", 170lbs, web "journo"
Chris Alexander, 30, 5'1", 180lbs, radio jock
Nelson Chance Minter, 17, 5'7", 155lbs, some forum troll

Geez. Couldn't they find some skinnier toothpicks to throw in there?

[Righ]

It could be his downfall. Perhaps we can get Scott Harrison to fight him as a ringer.

[Fabricated]

This is the only tally I have so far since the video itself is getting goonrushed.

1. Lowtax got his ass kicked I guess. Fucking A, hilarious.
2. The kid got his ass kicked also.

[WindupAtheist]

Oh man, that Spanish guy was the biggest pussy I've ever seen.

[Strazos]

Anyone have a link to a video?

[schild]

Having seen that first video and how Uwe fights I am more than confident I could have made it so he couldn't pronounce his first name any longer.

[Lantyssa]

They need someone angry to fight Boll.  Ignore the pain (were they even hitting hard enough to feel any?) long enough to trounce his ass.  Cripes, I could do better.

[Yoru]

I hope y'all appreciate this, I had to go into the SA forums for it:

Video of the Lowtax fight, shitty audio and angle
Post-fight interview with Lowtax
Youtube link of a Lowtax fight clip so you can hear the booing

Lowtax fights like... well, a comedian who's never lifted a finger before.

Uwe fights like a bad boxer; his guard is down a lot and many of his punches come in really wide.

I'd rather see them fight in the Octagon, none of this pussy headgear-and-big-soft-gloves crap. Uwe's footwork sucks, he'd get his ass beat by anyone who's sparred for a few years.

Edit: More!

"3rd Fight"
"4th Fight"

[Strazos]

Absolutly pitiful. Have none of these guys ever even Watched a boxing match? They could have beat Boll by simply stepping inside of his swings, or even just jabbing him in the face whenever he'd send his hands 3ft out beside his body.

[WindupAtheist]

Random observations:

*  In Boll we have a guy who looks to be solidly in the heavyweight category, fighting a cruiserweight, a light-heavyweight, and a pair of middleweights, all of whom are actually five to ten pounds below the maximum limits for those weight classes.  Skill and experience aside, there's a REASON real boxing has those weight divisions.

*  It's very easy to stand outside the ring and say "I could kick that guy's ass!" or "All they had to do was step inside his punches!"  I suspect it all seems very different when there's actually a guy trying to punch your brains out.  So while I'm happy to denigrate that first pussy who basically cowered in the ring, I won't go too hard on the guys who tried to fight but were simply outmatched.

*  That being said, I found the post-fight bitching from Lowtax to be in relatively poor taste.  You were challenged to a boxing match.  It behooves you to assume your opponent is going to try to hurt you, and to procure your own training.  I won't say "I could kick Boll's ass!"  But I will say that if I were scheduled to travel to Canada to fight him, or anyone, I would find a gym and practice first, so as to avoid utterly embarassing myself.

[Righ]

There must be some 10 year old girls that want to fight Uwe Boll.

[Tale]

I liked the post-match interview with Lowtax. He was funny and a good performer in person, which is a rare combination with being a writer, particularly a website writer. The host liked him and he was a good interview subject on live TV, which (I work in TV, so I know) is hard to do. Well done Lowtax.

[Tale]

You were challenged to a boxing match.  It behooves you to assume your opponent is going to try to hurt you, and to procure your own training.

You've missed the point. It was fucking ridiculous that Boll challenged anyone to a boxing match. Turning up and actually having Boll throw serious punches (while you do not) is all part of ridiculing how seriously he takes his crappy self.

[Yoru]

Remember that this was also ostensibly a PR stunt, not a 'real match'. A real boxing association probably wouldn't even allow this sort of thing given the weight and training disparities. If you watch the Lowtax fight, you'll see that he's trying to 'box' using an exaggerated Sullivan bare-knuckle style - obviously for comedic effect. He's definitely not taking it seriously until Boll gives him a few good ones to the head.

[Margalis]

It is beyond insane that this actually took place. Regardless of who can beat up who his movies still suck ass.

Too bad nobody just kicked him in the balls and left.

[WindupAtheist]

Uwe would have looked a lot dumber if Lowtax had just tucked his chin down, clamped his gloves to the sides of his head, and ran around in circles for a few minutes until the clock ran out.  I mean it's not like there are professional boxing judges scoring this exhibition crap.  If you finish on your feet, it's basically a draw.

Also, this "exhibition turned out to be a real fight" crap is as old as the hills.  Falling for it just means you're a dumbass.  If you're going to do anything similar enough to "boxing" that they have a doctor present, then learn enough boxing to be able to at least run away effectively.  Just in case.  Anything else means you're an idiot.

And yeah, I think Margalis has the best idea.  Someone should have just kicked him square in the nuts.  You're in a boxing ring, it's not assault, it's just a foul.  You don't get arrested, you just get disqualified from a fight that doesn't actually count toward anything anyway.

[Jeff Kelly]

Well those fights are boring.

On saturday I saw a boxing match where one of the contestants got his lower jaw broken in round five, he went through all 12 rounds and even managed to win.

That's sportmansship.

[Cyrrex]

I'm in WUA's corner on this one (boxing pun ftw!).  Maybe it is easier for someone like me, who has zero emotional investment one way or another on the subject of Uwe Boll, to see it a bit more objectively.  In other words, Boll looks like a pretty solid guy who has more than just a small inkling of what he is doing in the ring.   Those two things alone probably give him the upper hand against the likes of your average internet journalist...no offense intended.   I mean, it was all fun and games thinking that someone might shove his nose into his brain, but did you really imagine he would issue such a challenge, not to mention being able to hand-pick his opponents, without being supremely confident of victory?

And don't even start with the "getting inside of his wild swings" and "using the jab" or whatever.   That Lowtax guy was too afraid to even throw punches.  I hardly think Boll even needed to worry about his own form, and it wasn't even that terrible anyway.

Also, stepping into the ring with a guy who (I assume) pays your expenses to travel to Canada, and plans to fight 4 or 5 different guys the same night...and you aren't even going to prepare yourself?  Not real bright.  I guess it is possible to imagine that some of these guys fully intended to get their asses kicked and thought that it would prove some kind of point, but I don't tend to buy that.  It might turn INTO that once fight-night draws nearer, but I'll wager most of them actually believed for a moment they could kick Uwe's ass when accepting the challenge.

[Yegolev]

It is beyond insane that this actually took place. Regardless of who can beat up who his movies still suck ass.

Too bad nobody just kicked him in the balls and left.

Yep.  Really, any punches thrown at Uwe should have all been below the belt.  I really fail to see the downside of throwing "illegal" punches.

[Llava]

Also, it could have stopped him from breeding.  Then we all win.

[HaemishM]

So, tonight he's fighting these people in Vancouver:

Richard "Lowtax" Kyanda, 30, 6'1", 155lbs, SA webhead
Jeff Sneider, 22, 5'9", 170lbs, web "journo"
Chris Alexander, 30, 5'1", 180lbs, radio jock
Nelson Chance Minter, 17, 5'7", 155lbs, some forum troll

In some countries, like Canada perhaps, where the fight is, I'm pretty sure that 17 is a minor. Boll is claiming that these folks are as good as he could manage:

Boll is ready to take on even more people willing to fight, and his challenge remains on the table.

There are some critics who chickened out and didn’t follow through with their challenges.

Shit, he never responded to me after I sent him my picture. Too frightened to fight a 35-year old, 145 lbs. webmonkey, I suppose. Or maybe my picture just frightened him too much, or he was too attracted to my manly wrath that he couldn't punch me for wanting to make sweet Boll love to me.

[Llava]

I think the eye lasers scared him.

[Soln]

sounds like someone got the crap beat out of him according to Lowtax, Kotaku

and David Cross was there.  Tres cool.

[WindupAtheist]

In his '92 fight against Joe Hipp, Tommy Morrison (aka the guy who played Tommy Gunn in Rocky V) suffered a cut, a broken jaw, and two broken hands.  He went on to KO Hipp in the 9th round.  Of course Hipp wasn't a particularly good fighter, and having to resort to such heroic efforts to defeat him was more an indictment of Morrison's abilities than anything else, but there you go.

/random

[Fabricated]

Boll is a world class dick but Lowtax comes off as a whiny cunt.

YEAH I SAID ID BOX THIS GUY AND THEN HE SAID HE WASNT GOING TO REALLY BOX ME AND I GOT IN THE RING AND HE FUCKING HIT ME JESUS I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THAT

Pfft. You got fucking punked by Uwe Boll Lowtax, just enjoy the extra traffic.

[WindupAtheist]

Boll is a world class dick but Lowtax comes off as a whiny cunt.

YEAH I SAID ID BOX THIS GUY AND THEN HE SAID HE WASNT GOING TO REALLY BOX ME AND I GOT IN THE RING AND HE FUCKING HIT ME JESUS I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THAT

Pfft. You got fucking punked by Uwe Boll Lowtax, just enjoy the extra traffic.

 

EDIT

I've been a boxing fan for a long time.  I've watched a million live matches on HBO and ESPN and so forth.  I've watched old footage of Joe Louis and Rocky Marciano and the like.  I know how to size up a fighter.  Boll fights above the level of the average Toughman Contest slob, but below the level of a dedicated amateur boxer.  Which, really, is just about what I would have expected.

So please, no more internet tough-guy talk.  Schild, you're a big enough dude.  But unless you box, or learned to box in preparation, Boll would probably whip your ass.

[stray]

I should write reviews more often. Who knew opportunities like this would be possible?

Tough guy talk: Southpaw. 6'4", fluctuating between 190 and 200. Fists of love. Special moves: Gangly Hook and Colostomy Shot (go go Marciano).

[schild]

So please, no more internet tough-guy talk.  Schild, you're a big enough dude.  But unless you box, or learned to box in preparation, Boll would probably whip your ass.

I said one thing. But more than that, there's an amount of rage that these people didn't hit before they fight. you could see it in them, they were scared. Uwe was scared. No one has a record. No one knew what to expect. You have to go in with a hatred spawned from a thousand suns. It's a boxing ring. You go in NOT TO FIGHT FAIR. You go straight for the kill. Kick him in the shin. Punch him in the throat. Do it for the good of man, not because the guy makes good movies. Some people don't deserve to breed.

That's what you have to go in with. Those people - no killer instinct. Anyway, yea.