Going Postal on Uwe Boll

[Gutboy Barrelhouse]

From AICN

http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=23578

Towards the end of the filming of Postal, the five most outspoken critics will be flown into Vancouver and supplied with hotel rooms. As a guest of Uwe Boll they will be given the chance to be an extra/stand-in in Postal and have the opportunity to put on boxing gloves and enter a BOXING RING to fight Uwe Boll. Each critic will have the opportunity to bring down Uwe in a 10-bout match. There will be five matches planned over the last two days of the movie. Certain scenes from these boxing matches will become part of the Postal movie. All five fights will be televised on the Internet and will be covered by international press.

To be eligible you must be a critic who has posted on the Internet or have written in magazines/newspapers at least two extremely negative articles in the year 2005. Critics of 2006 will not be considered.

Folks between 140 and 190 pounds, send an email to info@boll.kg.de and help Uwe prove that he isn't a bad filmmaker through physical violence.

[SurfD]

I will personally chip in to see that at least one of the people who gets accepted recieves top notch ninja training so that he can administer an immediately fatal blow to Boll (preferably something that causes him to erupt into gooey gibbets of meat) during the first round of his match.

[schild]

Yea, we frontpaged this. Keke.

[Lantyssa]

Damn those requirements.  Whomever wins better put lead shot in their glove.

[Samprimary]

I could never hurt Uwe Boll. I love the man.

 Once I read a quote from him: he was so happy that BloodRayne took place in "the 1700's" because it meant that the sequels could involve Nazis.

You cannot fake that. He is genuine. And adorable. He's a German Ed Wood with questionable use of grammar and CAPITALIZATION for EMPHASIS and none of the crossdressing.

[Soln]

where's Haemish?  or that other Scot?  yea Ironwood.  Pass the collection plate, let's get them moving.

[Signe]

Ironwood - the "other" Scot. 

[Ironwood]

Sigh.

[Merusk]

Hey, it could be worse.  He could have called you an Englishman.  Or Irish.

[Soln]

I meant it nicely.  Diaspora and all.    :-D

[HaemishM]

My Challenge Hath Been Issued.

Seriously, I'm so in on this. If that pasty-faced Bastard of Bad Cinema wants to fight me, who am I to argue?

[WindupAtheist]

Someone needs to write an utterly devastating review and sign it as Bernard Hopkins.

[Samwise]

I think that's why they stipulated that it needed to be written in 2005, and that the challenger has to weigh under 190 pounds.

[WindupAtheist]

Hopkins is well within that weight range.  And come on, let's fake up some film critiques for him.  :-D

Or not.  Watching Boll beat up Haemish could be fun too. 

[Righ]

Well, I emailed Mr Boll and sent him Haemish's challenge.

[Signe]

We should really try and make this happen.  I bet Haemish could make Uwe Boll cry big fat girlie tears without ever once resorting to violence.

[Morfiend]

We should really try and make this happen.  I bet Haemish could make Uwe Boll cry big fat girlie tears without ever once resorting to violence.

Tell me what I need to do to make this dream a reality.

[HaemishM]

As I posted over on Game Angst, Dr. Boll has emailed me back requesting a JPG. I assume the JPG is of myself, though the temptation to send him some really vile shit is a great one.

But even more overlooked is the knowledge that I NOW HAVE HIS EMAIL ADDRESS.

[schild]

Also overlooked the fact that those articles weren't posted on GA in 2005. But hey, I'm not gonna argue if you're actually going to fight the guy. Though I suspect at this point that he's trained in something terrible like shootfighting.

[Signe]

We should build a trebuchet and buy some cows!

[Evil Elvis]

I hope to God that whoever wins goes Tong-Po on his ass.

I'm talking a glass-glued-to-hands, muy thai, monkey kung-fu ass kicking.  He deservers no less.

[Merusk]

As I posted over on Game Angst, Dr. Boll has emailed me back requesting a JPG. I assume the JPG is of myself,

Of course, you don't want to actually have someone who looks like he can fight win the contest.  You want to pick through to find the weakest, dweebiest 180lb. 'contestent' (who's also photogenic, because we can't use ugly people, this is going to be in a MOVIE!1!.)  It would look bad if Uwe were to actually get his ass handed to him.

[Sky]

We should build a trebuchet and buy some cows!

'round here we use fetuspults, girly!

[HaemishM]

Also overlooked the fact that those articles weren't posted on GA in 2005. But hey, I'm not gonna argue if you're actually going to fight the guy. Though I suspect at this point that he's trained in something terrible like shootfighting.

I'm betting that Uwe doesn't want anyone involved. He released one movie in 2005, Alone in the Dark. Bloodrayne wasn't released until Jan. 2006. Which means he'd have to be damned unlucky to have both reviews posted in 2005 by anyone.

I personally think it's just a smug bit of self-promotion, thinking no one will take him up on it.

[Soln]

pass the hat and hire this gentleman.  And then wish Uwe goodbye.

[WayAbvPar]

That isn't a good pic of Chuck- you can't even see his sweet white trash Mohawk!

[Righ]

Of course, you don't want to actually have someone who looks like he can fight win the contest.  You want to pick through to find the weakest, dweebiest 180lb. 'contestent' (who's also photogenic, because we can't use ugly people, this is going to be in a MOVIE!1!.)  It would look bad if Uwe were to actually get his ass handed to him.

I think he's looking for five 140lb girls in latex to beat the shit out of him while he wears a nappy full of poop.

[HaemishM]

My avatar now reflects my committment to (being knocked out) kicking Uwe Boll's ass.

[Gutboy Barrelhouse]

I did realize people hate Uwe, I did not realize some peoples lives could change over this story. Perhaps Jack Thompson could be convinced to make a ring appearance and we could take care of 2 of humanity's most notorious people associated in the gaming world?

[Pococurante]

The list is longer than two.  ;)

10) Any EA W2 - resistance is futile, prostitution involves even more sucking
9) Porsche quote boy - he can eat cake with Marie A. off the hood of a 1973 El Camino
8 ) A certain less than smart yet dreckish Derek
7) He Who Shall Not Be Named But Is Furry and Has Made-Up Excel Charts
6) Gordon - hey, actions have consequences.   Best. Common-sense. Quote. Evar. Competence must be punished
5) Raph (sorry guy, but if you'd let someone beat the crap out of you we can put that whole player justice thing behind us)
4) Anyone with a consonant in their name whoever said 'something'-TO-CRUSH
3) Anyone who's ever released an anime MOG - and has no epithantic folds
2) Lum - no other reason than he's sizable, sardonic, and swarthy.  Well no not swarthy but I was on a roll. And it segues well to...
1) Dr. Twister - c'mon folks, the boy is hurting and needs loving of the most dismissive kind

My work here is done.

[Soln]

we need a YTMND with Haemish and Uwe and some Rancid.  Or the like.

[Pococurante]

[bhodi]

Lowtax is on the list.

[Xerapis]

http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20060621

[WindupAtheist]

Betcha Uwe wouldn't issue this little challenge if he weren't confident in his being more proficient with his fists than the average internet pundit.  It's going to be funny when he beats all five asses.