So I uhhh, yea. Today was a fucking strange day for gaming. Started off by playing a Hentai game at 8AM. Don't know what to tell you. Well, I do. Those games suck balls. I played for about 2 hours and saw no cartoon titties, rape, or even dick. Given the first few characters you meet, I expected dick. But I don't want to talk about that right now; we're gonna start with King Arthur's World. Apologies for some the screenshots by the way, odd size and not much going on. And even more apologies for the screenshots from Divi Dead. Obviously some are NSFW, well, I've flagged those for you. There is, however, some gory shit below in decent sized pictures, so if you're browsing below 1600x1200 and don't want people freaking out, you might want to read this one from home.
I have to admit, I was pretty let down. The way the game functions is actually fairly brilliant. There's only one way to describe it. It's a 2D RTS. You start off with King Arthur and a base camp (base tent?) and your agenda is to basically look ahead, see what obstacles/enemies are in your way, select the tent and produce the units necessary to remove said obstacles/enemies. You control each platoon seperately and tell them when to attack. So, it's not REALLY an RTS in modern turns given the unit production style and some sort of bastard son of puzzle games, but there's no doubt in my mind that if it were to be classified today, it'd be classified as an RTS.
Sound cool? Yea, in theory. If I'd played it when it came out (1993), I probably would have loved it. But this game is a shining example
of badly aged. The music was pretty much wretched, the controls are something of a mess (2 analog sticks mapped for changing attack type, calling out units, and switching between units would have made all the difference), and the worst part - it's a terribly slow paced game considering what's going on. That's not to say there isn't something there
so much as it's just an old game. Sure, there's a handful of games I could play in a second from the SNES. Rampart, Mega Man X, and Super Metroid to name a few. KAW is not one of them. It's a shame really because the ideas presented would make for a fantastic current or next gen game. Yea, it'd be niche, but it would be one of those titles that has such raw appeal that you couldn't help but like it. Also, beer.
That's right, King Arthur is a beer man. That shouldn't really shock me given their daily activities included marauding and murdering. And this game is heavy on the murdering part. Of course, you aren't just murdering blasphemers here. You're going after trolls, goblins, and demons also. Of course the game isn't really worth that much time investment. Not now. Not in 2006. And not in 2007. But there was enough promise to make a sequel worth somebody's
time. Finally the box art
is just fucking awesome.
So. Hentai Game, eh? Let's get Schild to play a Hentai game. Well, there's a little backstory on this one. This game came out while I was working at CompUSA and would it be shocking if I said it was a little popular among a couple people at the store? Anyway, I was younger back then and at that particular time I wasn't playing many console games. The odd jRPG here and there, but for the most part, it was all PC. So when I was given a copy of Divi Dead (yea, like I could even figure out where to purchase a hentai game let alone wrap my head around the concept of cartoon sex) I was ecstatic. This was NEW. This was DIFFERENT. This was SOMETHING I SHOULDN'T EVER OWN. I was right, about that last part at least. But back then I couldn't even get the game to run right. But I owned it, at least in theory. I had a disc with "Divi Dead" written on it. That's what was important.
Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here
When I think of hentai games my brain b-lines to Divi Dead. I've played a good number of them, but this one really stands out as the one EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT. Or at least, everyone knows about it in passing. Sure, I wanted to play obscure games and I said I was going to play obscure games, but is any H-Game not obscure
? Other than Do You Like Horny Bunnies?
and Water Closet
of course. That, and really, this is the only H-Game worth playing. I think... Let's rephrase that, this is the only H-Game worth playing if you aren't really into the whole "sex" thing
. Yea, there we go. There's a lot of rape and death in this one.
Click the picture for the way too big version.
Divi Dead is a weird animal. It gives me great pleasure to almost say it's a compelling game
. But, for some reason, I expected more 'hentai' and less 'weird japanese shit' going into it. But maybe the lack of sex is what makes this title appealing compared to the rest of the hentai games out there. Here's the description from the case:
"My name is Ranmaru Hibikiya. Today is my first day at Asao Private School...
My uncle is the dean of this school. About a month ago, he paid me a visit and offered me enrollment at his school. Seeing I've been out of school for a long time, I accepted his offer. What was the catch? He asked me to keep an eye out for him. Bluntly, I was to be his spy...No problem.
Well actually, there was a problem. Once I arrived, I started noticing some disturbing things. There was violence and misconduct happening on campus, not the usual past times at a private high school. As I got deeper into my investigation, I came across a possible correlation between an underground society and the unusual behavior of my peers. I realized that I could not trust ANYONE.
There's just one last thing...After transferring, sometime between all the sexual escapades happening on campus, and my investigation, something horrifying happened to me. I...
Join me in my quest to uncover the horrible secrets at Asao Private School.... and find out what fate holds for me...
See, the trappings of any
good hentai game. The phrase "all the sexual escapades" is fairly misleading. There's really only a few sexual escapades and they take at least 4 hours to get to (or five minutes if you just download a 100% CG Unlocked save game). This game actually plays out like your standard occult film. What do I mean by that? Occult, sex, some more occult, some more sex, some rape, something brutal, more occultish shit, some more sex, maybe another rape, maybe some more brutal shit, and then some sex. These things are what makes up the delectable content of a properly made title that should probably feature a black altar on the cover. Now, I'm as much a fan of weird shit as the next guy but after playing Divi Dead for about 4 hours, I'm actually pretty sure I want to finish it. The story, despite being written by a very mature
seven year old, is reasonably compelling. It's the sort of shit you won't see on tv
. Fine, almost every character is completely annoying and there's a decent amount of fan service and weird dialogue going on, but I'd still like to see how the whole thing plays out. Unfortunately, The Schild Chronicles
does not leave time for Finishing Each Game. Just enough time to get a taste. This is the first day where it was somewhat hard to step away knowing the game is going to be put down for a month.
Moving on, Divi Dead is old. It feels
old. It's old enough that Something Awful hasn't reviewed it (was released in 1998 over here). If you haven't played an H-Game, I suppose a short description is in order. See, you don't play
an H-Game. You read it. That was the problem with Radical Dreamers on Tuesday. I wasn't playing the Last Game by Squaresoft for the SNES. I was playing a cart-based H-Game. Today, I was ready for an H-Game. I was ready to press space bar 5,000 times while reading one or two lines and hearing a piece of shitty dialogue phoned in by a shitty Japanese dayplayer. And while pressing space bar, you may or may not have to press the up and down arrows to make a selections. Those selections (of which there may be a grand total of 50-150 in a full game) ultimately determine how much sex, drugs, gore, rape, and other great shit you see. Mind you, I'm not talking videos, I'm talking still images. Your classic hentai game has nothing to do with that newfangled moving picture shit. It's still images all the way (which meant getting screenshots for this article was super easy.
Yes, I know, I'm the nicest guy around.
This above represents the lighter side of the explicit content in this game. Obviously, if I'm considering a titty the "lighter" side of explicit content in a game, it gets worse. Well, yea. No shit, you don't buy an H-Game to not see horribly explicit content. Here's what I'd consider medium level content in a game like this:
Yes, that is a rape scene. With a man biting a nipple off.
You don't have to tell me just how AWESOME that is.
But being an H-Game, things just get weird. I'm not entirely sure what kind of brain comes up with these stories, or even if a brain does. There could easily be a VERY advanced AI in Japan called the H-Machine that just cranks a story out every five seconds and you just purchase one over the web (direct delivery, baby, Oh yea, giggidy giggidy
). But about 99.9999% of them involve a school of some sort with the main character fucking at least 2 teachers and 3 students. Everything else is a variable. You want "horror" you ask for it, and poof, it's in the mix. You want rape? Well, you definately didn't have to ask for that. You want men that could be mistaken for women? You'll get that too. The only difference in these types of games is you'll always know it's a woman by the giant tit-tays. If she doesn't have huge bewbs, you'll be told within five minutes of meeting her. In all likelihood two things will happen:
1. Your character will say something along the lines of - "What a strange girl, flat as a board."
2. She's 12.
I wish I was kidding. Child porn laws should apply to cartoons, SERIOUSLY. Or, at the very least, it should fall under the "bad taste" category. In Japan things might be different, but a lot of these games do get localized these days and that sort of nasty shit isn't taken out, even though it really, really, really
should be. In the loosest sense of the word, Divi Dead isn't really an offender on the second part (thankfully). But the game definately isn't lacking in the straight-up 'weird' category.
I don't even know. This isn't part of the main game.
Whiskers? Buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, whu? Why?
Don't ask. Never ask.
Apologies for the late posting.
I passed out last night in the middle of writing this.