The Humor Mill

[schild]

[Anonymous]

On a scale of 1 to 10, that rates in at GAAAAAAAAY.

Infinium Labs, utilizing corpspeak to further leverage synergy and maximize marketshare, benefitting shareholders and the consumer alike, since 2003!

[HaemishM]

The words "paradigm-shift" will never help sell a game console.

But it may do wonders for pyramid schemes, which I'm sure the booth at E3 will be funding by offering beta slots for $300 a pop.

[Alluvian]

It is just another in a long line of failed projects so he can spend his live living off the money of investors.  None of this is for the gamers to see.  just the potential invenstors.  More controversy means more people at the booth so they can show the investors in their photographs how popular their booth was, and how gamerz l0v3 teh ph4nt0m!1!!

[Fabricated]

It's depressing that people think this scam is an actual game console.

[schild]

It's depressing that people think this scam is an actual game console.

But, but but but I have an Atari Jaguar in the closet with all the games. If I can pick up a phantom for little to no money, I'll pick one up for nostalgia's sake.

[slog]

It's depressing that people think this scam is an actual game console.

But, but but but I have an Atari Jaguar in the closet with all the games. If I can pick up a phantom for little to no money, I'll pick one up for nostalgia's sake.

I wish I kept my Bally.

http://www.geekcomix.com/vgh/second/bally.shtml

[schild]

Appropriate Initiation Post
 Welcome Back! We are excited to re-launch our new Corporate *****. We have upgraded the software, brought the moderation in house and built in many features to add functionality and controls to the board.

We are excited to unviel the new service and know there will be much to discuss. We look forward to hearing your comments and questions.

This was a report written by an analyst. I think it is very appropriate to start off the new *****:

http://*****.*******.net/Console.htm

This is the first and only post on the Phantom forums at the moment. I went there to post the question; "what's it like to work for the most despised game company ever to exist?" Unfortunately I was unable to post as they have locked the forums until the 10th of May. However the above "Mad Lib" was there, so Uhmm...Let's fill it in and email it to the moderator with suggested modifications

1. Noun
2. Noun
3. Adjective
4. Company Name

Also, feel free to edit the letter as you see fit. Oh, and here are two of the categories in their forums if you are interested in seeing what kinda stupid shit they make public.

Infinium Lab - General Discussion
Employment
Investment

Makes me wonder if we're supposed to offer investments and resumes via their forums.

[schild]

Oh and woo woo, they allow hot linking.

ARE YOU ASKING FOR A CHALLENGE?!!!!

I still won't buy your system to find out, fuckers.

EDIT:ed about 5 times. BBcode is uberhard.

[Velorath]

Any minute now I'm expecting Preston from the Darkfall thread to come in here to start "answering everyone's questions" about the Phantom.

[schild]

Mother of china, that is NOT funny.

[Signe]

Haemish said paradigm-shift.  

hehe...

[Furiously]

Is that "The phanton lives in New Jersey" lives?
or
"The Phantom live"? opps we added an S....

[schild]

sigh.

[Signe]

Ooooh!  Bowling!!  I'm not very good at it, I've only ever gotten a score of 23... but I have a shirt!

[HaemishM]

But do you have a mobile phone with which to bowl?

I'm really failing to understand how mobile phones are to be considered enough of a gaming vehicle or a money market to bother spending the money to advertise the games outside of the phone system itself.

[Hanzii]

I don't know.
My current mobile have higher resolution graphics, better sound and more ram, than my Commodore 64 and I bought a ton of games for that.
I also like the idea behind the N-gage, but the one on my desk right now, is unused for anything else than a portable radio because of the implementation of those ideas.


... no I didn't buy it.

[Krakrok]

Selling ringtones, java games, screensavers, and background images for cell phones is currently a $2 billion dollar a year business.

The newer camera phones take 480x640 pictures. The Hitachi G1000 phone runs Pocket PC, has a 480x640 camera, always on internet, a QWERTY keyboard, and a SD slot (for a 512 meg SD card or a WiFi card). All the new phones (including the Hitachi) also have GPS built into them.

And we're at least 2 years behind Japan. The newest phones in Japan have dog translators built in. Maybe we're glad we're 2 years behind.

I wouldn't buy bowling for a cell phone but the masses might eat it up. Or the advertiser blew a wad on nothing.

---

Edit: Despite what you might think, Sky, I don't have any financial interest in cell phone crap, my cell phone only takes 120x90 pictures, and it doesn't support java games. Happy?

[Paelos]

At first when I saw the camera phone I was thinking, WOW that's the dumbest idea ever. Then, the more I thought about it, I realized that its a pain in the ass to carry around my digital camera, and I have my phone on me at all times. Granted, I still don't own one, but I at least accepted there was a good reason behind the device. The games however, are a different story. We scoff because as gamers we have numerous other more "enlightened" ways to get our fix. But to the unwashed masses of gaming, that's exactly what they want. Something stupid to waste their time on while they are waiting in line to check out their groceries. It's not aimed at us, its aimed at a bigger demographic, regular folk who don't know about resolutions or RAM or fps.

Why then, they would target the feature at a gaming site is well beyond me. We are only like to sit there and laugh at the pitifulness of the advertising when in fact we aren't even the market for their product. It must be really cheap is all I can think.

[Signe]

But do you have a mobile phone with which to bowl?

No.  Just a shirt.  :(  Will I be kicked out of the league, now?

[daveNYC]

At first when I saw the camera phone I was thinking, WOW that's the dumbest idea ever. Then, the more I thought about it, I realized that its a pain in the ass to carry around my digital camera, and I have my phone on me at all times.

Yeah, it's a good idea in theory.  The only problem is that the phone is a piece of shit, and the phone's memory can only hold something like 10-15 pictures (at least on mine).  I would have prefered to have no camera instead of a camera that just increases the cost of the phone without providing any major benefit.

[CmdrSlack]

Heh, that bowling game came as a demo version on my new phone.

I did end up buying Ms. Pac Man because the license never expires.  It's relatively fun to play on the train coming home from work and school.

In fact, most people who have the same phone as me, or one of the other, similar phones from Sprint, seem to have liked that bowling game enough to buy it.

These are also the people who think I'm nuts for playing games on my computer, and kinda snicker that I own a PS2 and an Xbox.

[schild]

Hmmm, the post had nothing to do with bowling or anything. It was just pointing out how goddamn awful UGLY the whole ad campaign was.

[CmdrSlack]

Ah, well one of the ads was for a cell phone bowling game.

Without captions, we are left to free-associate.

[schild]

Yup. I blame myself.

[Signe]

Hmmm, the post had nothing to do with bowling or anything. It was just pointing out how goddamn awful UGLY the whole ad campaign was.

Oh, sorry... I misunderstood.  I the sigh was you daydreaming about owning such a wonderful thing.  You can have my shirt as recompense for my blunder.

[schild]

Infinium Sued.

[HaemishM]

Infinium immediately blasted SBI-USA's allegations as "frivolous, without merit and intended to interfere with Infinium's business and operations".

Reading the article further, it seems the plaintiff was meant to get a cut of any future financing that Infinium managed to secure.

"Tell you what, you give us $15 million for a product we'll never produce, and when we find some other sucker willing to put $30 million down our drain, we'll give you $18 million back. Sound good?"

"KEKKELA ^___^"

What a bunch of fucking idiots.

[Nebu]

Infinium is already embroiled in legal action with hardware-oriented website HardOCP. The threat of a further lawsuit and the prospect of a countersuit also comes at a time when the company's own Securities & Exchange Commission (SEC) filings show how much cash it still needs - $22.2m - to raise if it's to meet its current launch date and the marketing programme that will support that launch.

Two lawsuits and  still $22.2m short on capital for release.  I'm no business major, but that doesn't sound good.  I wonder if it's too late to start marketing these things as coasters?

[SirBruce]

Reading the article further, it seems the plaintiff was meant to get a cut of any future financing that Infinium managed to secure.

"Tell you what, you give us $15 million for a product we'll never produce, and when we find some other sucker willing to put $30 million down our drain, we'll give you $18 million back. Sound good?"

"KEKKELA ^___^"

What a bunch of fucking idiots.

Not quite.

What they did was 'contracted' SBI USA to raise investment capital for them.  SBI USA decided to directly invest part of it, but as we know, Infinium needed a lot more.  Infinium said, "Okay, if you can get some of your investment contacts to throw in money, you'll get some of your investment back."  Like a finder's fee.  Infinium is saying, basically, that although they've raised investment capital since then, none of that was the result of SBI USA's actions or from sources SBI USA developed.  So, they're not eligible for a "cut".  SBI USA is probably just using this lawsuit as leverage to restructure their investment agreement with Infinium.

Bruce